ralph1319 Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 well this is my story. i've been married for well going on 16 years this nov.but my wife and i had separated mid april.(not my choice).there was no cheating in this relationship just a change of feelings on her part and i do take some of the blame of our relationship.i still and will always love her with all my heart.she has moved out and live with our 2 kids.although both kids wanted to live with me.i work nights so having the kids stay at home at night alone was a NONO!! and my wife works hard 12-15 hours a day plus goes to school. i dont want her to drive to have to see the kids after her hard day at work and school. so they stay with her.now its been 4 months apart now i do miss her alot still.at first i gave her the space she wanted then came the txting once a day i didnt think it was alot but i guess txting her wasnt really giving her the space she wanted.that was about a month ago.now i txt her if i have questions about the kids but i find myself txting her sometimes saying sorry for what i have done.im going to try the n/c now but i really want to talk to her.i still have hope we will get back together maybe im just being stupid.right now im staying with my friend in a studio type place(very small) my bed is the couch. do to our finance we both cant get a place untill our bills are paid off so i have givin up on getting a place till we are caught up with our bills.you can say i live of crumbs of what money i get a week .now my kids are in school i have to drive to where my kids are to take them to school then drive back home (which isnt close)take my nap then drive to pick my kids up.hang out with them. then drive home relax and drive back out to where my kids are to go to work.so i find myself driving 3x out there.i had told my wife about how many times i have to drive out there. i guess i was expecting for her to say stay at her house while shes at work but it seems like that would be in her space.i have given up more than alot of people would have(for love).i walked out with nothing but my crap car and my clothes.we have to have our accounts together untill mid oct then what i make is mine and what she makes is hers.but intill then i give her money to pay bills. ( im sorry for the venting guys)i just feel im in a whole i cant get out of.i just hope and pray one day she will see how much i have done and givin up for her.i just dont know where to go from here.i miss living with my kids and one thing i know for sure if she does want a divorce i do know ill never want to se or talk to her again i just dont understand how someone can turn ther back on someone they have been with almost half there lives like it was nothing. again im very sorry for the venting.im just so lost i dont know what to do anymore i thought i had the answers on what to do. if anyone can give me some advice.thank you Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 ralph... you are not alone...i don't get IT either, my H left after 14 years together... i am baffled, sad, hurt, scared...etc... not sure i can really give you any answers right now myself..i am in one of those backslides...can't seem to get out of my own head and pain. but there are so many AMAZING members here on LS...and i am sure one or more will have some advice or something that you can benefit from:) alot of men in your very same shoes ( or were at one time)....i am sure they will be responding shortly.. until then, i just wanted to say, we are all glad you came here to vent...dont' ever be sorry for venting here..this is what we are all here for... so even tho i have no good advice, cause i am so broken too..but i wanted to let you know, we all care..and keep posting and keep reading.... ok...take care and keep posting OK:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralph1319 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 thank you dela. for for feedback im sorry you are dealing with the same thing i am.I would never wish this on anybody.If you dont mind me asking have you been separated long? Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 ralph... its been nearly 6 months since D day...February 25th...seems like yesterday, the wound is fresh and painful..still...i have had weeks at a time that i was able to move forward and function...but i am in a deep backslide right now...ack! so i lurk and read and at times post, if something catches my eye... there are some amazing people here on LS...i KNOW i could not have gotten thru this without them...tojaz, lisaUK, lupa, Gunny, and more...so many wonderful people that didn't deserve to be hurt so badly. you are all in my prayers and thoughts tonight... sweet dreams all... you too ralph...hang in there OK...keep staying involved in the posts...THEY help! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 So not going to happen! Your on your own now! Go for yourself! Which means look out for you and your children! I got called out for being too hard corps! But I'm telling you here and now if you don't get yourself a serious cup of WTFU your going to find yourself in a world of hurt that will go on for years and years ~ never ending! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 Ralph, first off, sorry your going through all this, this situation I wouldn't wish on anyone ever. You do need to follow Gunnys advice, while a bit harsh it's well meant. Gunny has to grow on you, kind of like a fungus! (:p:p Love ya Gunny :p:p) You need to start living for your self, like shes not coming back. I'm not saying she isn't and I'm not saying to give up hope. It's just to prepare yourself for what may happen. Plus, her seeing you preparing to move on WILL BE NOTICED!! In the mean time, post some details of how it all broke down. That way we can try to help. Also, start reading threads from some of us that have been through it. I'd suggest Lupas "Apart and Shaken" as a good starting place. Mine sounds similar to yours as well, but you'll need to dig. If you click my name to the left and then go to statistics, you can find my old threads. Look at "MY STORY" and "the rest of My Story" Keep posting!! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralph1319 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 well this is where it all started.one day i notice my wife kinda being a little distant from me i had asked her if something was wrong.she said nothing is wrong then weeks later i felt something was wrong again so i sat her down and said i feel we are drifting apart whats going on.She said something inside her has changed.it was her feelings towards me.i asked if we can go to counceling. she said that wont bring back the feeling.she said she's not inlove with me but loves me still.first thing came to my mind was who is putting this in her head.so i asked she said she hasnt talked to 1 person another girl at work(which i might add left her kids dad after she had her baby)i asked my wife why didnt you just sit me down and tell me it was this bad her answer was at first i didnt want to say anything because i didnt want you to get mad and leave i dont want to be alone.then came well you should have known.i do admit i wasnt the nicest to guys but when we see each other 2 times a week and 30 min. a day i'd get angry that she would not get home in time for us to have dinner together but in her mind i didnt support her with work.i see what things i have done wrong in the relationship and i know that will never happen again.at first i left the house 2 times a week on our days off so she can have her space.then i decided to leave the house for good to give her the space she really wanted cuz me livving there wasnt really giving her the space.i had told her i cant live like this.how can i live like this i cant tell the person i care about i luv you or hold the person i luv.so i left.that was mid april.on aug 11 out lease on our apt was up so she down sized from a 3 bedroom to a 2 bedroom.1 bedroom each for my 2 daughters while she sleeps in the livingroom on the couch.she had even asked meif i can help her move.which i did.at first she had said this will come to getting a divorce.but the day i left she said this is just a separation who knows what might happen.she had gone to dinner with a close friend to both of us.that friend told me that she doesnt know what she wants she just wants time and space to find herself again.she said she was always a mom and wife nothing else. maybe its because we got married at a young age me 20 her 19 im 37 now shes 36.she had a very bad childhood from a bipolar mom/drunk/drugs/lazy/bad temper.my wife took care of her drunk mom and little brother all her life.so maybe that played a part who knows.but i do know for sure i also played a part i should have payed more attention her feelings.i remember her saying she was mad because the days she would go to school after working 12-15 hour work shift shed cook me and my kids dinner and leave it for us but we didnt eat it.she said it was a slap in the face.but she didnt think that by the time i got my 2 kids home from softball practice it was late they wouldnt be hungry just tired and want to sleep.besides they had told me they didnt like her cooking.but yet again that was my fault.go figure.in the begging of the break up she had txt me (i love you) now i get -0(nada) although last week she did txt me how i was doing after i went to the dentist which was nice of her.other than that i wouldnt get any txt from her about anything unless it had something to do with my kids.i had confronted her again one day about this whole thing and was there another guy or did she want to see other people let me know.i told her i can accept you cheating and we break up rather than us breaking up because you didnt want to tell me something is wrong or i shold have known.im not a mind reader by the way incase anyone thought i was .she said this isnt about another guy its about her and finding herself.she's starting to workout more reading selfesteem books and go to school more .she works even more now.even attends work stuff on her day off.work work work,,,i do know deep inside she still cares for me when we do see each other she comes to me and kisses me on the lips hi.we hug.all i know if it was me i wouldnt kiss the person i didnt care about anymore.maybe its just me.she is a very stong woman and a good person but what shes doing right now is a whole diffrent person.i do know all her life she never wanted to be like her mom.i think shes trying way to hard to not be like her mom and shes nowhere close to being that.you know she even asked me if i just married her because she was pregnant.ahh we have 2 kids which means i didnt.ill post more when more comes to mind. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 well this is where it all started.one day i notice my wife kinda being a little distant from me i had asked her if something was wrong.she said nothing is wrong then weeks later i felt something was wrong again so i sat her down and said i feel we are drifting apart whats going on.She said something inside her has changed.it was her feelings towards me.i asked if we can go to counceling. she said that wont bring back the feeling.she said she's not inlove with me but loves me still.first thing came to my mind was who is putting this in her head.so i asked she said she hasnt talked to 1 person another girl at work(which i might add left her kids dad after she had her baby)i asked my wife why didnt you just sit me down and tell me it was this bad her answer was at first i didnt want to say anything because i didnt want you to get mad and leave i dont want to be alone.then came well you should have known.i do admit i wasnt the nicest to guys but when we see each other 2 times a week and 30 min. a day i'd get angry that she would not get home in time for us to have dinner together but in her mind i didnt support her with work.i see what things i have done wrong in the relationship and i know that will never happen again.at first i left the house 2 times a week on our days off so she can have her space.then i decided to leave the house for good to give her the space she really wanted cuz me livving there wasnt really giving her the space.i had told her i cant live like this.how can i live like this i cant tell the person i care about i luv you or hold the person i luv.so i left.that was mid april.on aug 11 out lease on our apt was up so she down sized from a 3 bedroom to a 2 bedroom.1 bedroom each for my 2 daughters while she sleeps in the livingroom on the couch.she had even asked meif i can help her move.which i did.at first she had said this will come to getting a divorce.but the day i left she said this is just a separation who knows what might happen.she had gone to dinner with a close friend to both of us.that friend told me that she doesnt know what she wants she just wants time and space to find herself again.she said she was always a mom and wife nothing else. maybe its because we got married at a young age me 20 her 19 im 37 now shes 36.she had a very bad childhood from a bipolar mom/drunk/drugs/lazy/bad temper.my wife took care of her drunk mom and little brother all her life.so maybe that played a part who knows.but i do know for sure i also played a part i should have payed more attention her feelings.i remember her saying she was mad because the days she would go to school after working 12-15 hour work shift shed cook me and my kids dinner and leave it for us but we didnt eat it.she said it was a slap in the face.but she didnt think that by the time i got my 2 kids home from softball practice it was late they wouldnt be hungry just tired and want to sleep.besides they had told me they didnt like her cooking.but yet again that was my fault.go figure.in the begging of the break up she had txt me (i love you) now i get -0(nada) although last week she did txt me how i was doing after i went to the dentist which was nice of her.other than that i wouldnt get any txt from her about anything unless it had something to do with my kids.i had confronted her again one day about this whole thing and was there another guy or did she want to see other people let me know.i told her i can accept you cheating and we break up rather than us breaking up because you didnt want to tell me something is wrong or i shold have known.im not a mind reader by the way incase anyone thought i was .she said this isnt about another guy its about her and finding herself.she's starting to workout more reading selfesteem books and go to school more .she works even more now.even attends work stuff on her day off.work work work,,,i do know deep inside she still cares for me when we do see each other she comes to me and kisses me on the lips hi.we hug.all i know if it was me i wouldnt kiss the person i didnt care about anymore.maybe its just me.she is a very stong woman and a good person but what shes doing right now is a whole diffrent person.i do know all her life she never wanted to be like her mom.i think shes trying way to hard to not be like her mom and shes nowhere close to being that.you know she even asked me if i just married her because she was pregnant.ahh we have 2 kids which means i didnt.ill post more when more comes to mind. This sounds very much like my story. Have you asked about MC? Situations like this are very hard to resolve without profesional help. I would suggest MC to her, but don't tell her it's to save the marriage. She may run. Tell her it's too help you both understand and leave it at that. Give this a look and see if it applies. http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/ TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralph1319 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 her answer to M/C was i know where the problem lies.so i tell her is it all me she says no. i do know her past as well as mine has alot to do with where we are right now.but in her mind as of now she has to fix things about herself by herself.she had mention that the reason she gave up on me was because i wouldnt change.in her way i guess she had told me.(in her way)But i dont think telling me im acting like how my dad was. (i guess lazy ,hard headed)was saying hey we have a major issue in our marriage and it might end us up divorced. in my eyes she was just venting for something i did at that time.i told her you should have just sat me down talk to me about our problems and how bad they were i w ould have done anything for her.ive been to counceling myself and i have asked her do you notice change in me her answer was YES.but she still need time and space.doesnt make sence to me i have changed to be a better person to her which she thought i couldnt do.the funny thing is we never got into fights most of our fights was me saying 1 thing or not saying anything to stay quiet and let myself calm down.but we really never fought every1 we know says.noway not you guys out of all the people my friends knew they all thought we were going to be married forever this was a shock to 100% of the people we know.this is how much i knew we had problems i was going to get her name tattooed on my arm for valentines day luckly i ran out of money to get it. thats how much i thought we were doing fine.like i said i am not a mind readeri wish i was though:). so here i am in the waiting game. i do go out with friends but the whole bar seen or club seen scares the sh!!!!T out of me i am truely scared of being alone and never finding another. not that im looking right now.but it is very scarey. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 The reason the positive changes you made didn't effect her is because the key problem lies in her, not in you. Congrats on making changes in yourself, but if shes not willing to put in the work, theres nothing else you can do for her. I would strongly suggest revisiting MC. MC isn't so much about identifying problems as it is for giving you the tools necessary to repair the rift between you. If she agrees to MC, thats a commitment to your marriage, thats what it sounds like your looking for. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 Hi Ralph I know what you mean about someone walking away like it's nothing. My ex and I were together for more than half our lives, from age 15 to 33 years old, 18 years. He did not try and resolve anything with me and only gave me reasons after he left me. He said "people break up all the time"! Like this is normal after 18 years! Bizzare. Tojaz is right, the reason the changes you made had no effect is because the problem lies within your wife, not you. Like he said, MC is your best bet here. Keep posting, we all know how you feel and we will get through this together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ralph1319 Posted August 15, 2009 Author Share Posted August 15, 2009 thank you everyone for your support.it means alot to me more than words can ever say.well M/C for her is a NO. she thinks she need sto work on herself by herself.so im solo in M/C.i do really want her to wake up one day and think wow he has changed and he has givin up alot for me more than anyone i know would.But if and when she does see all that i have done i dont know if ill be there for her anymore.although i would really like to be.at first id say id wait for the rest of my life to be with her again and if im single forever so be it.But that not being real more of a fantasy.sad to say but i guess only time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 16, 2009 Share Posted August 16, 2009 You do need to follow Gunnys advice, while a bit harsh it's well meant. Gunny has to grow on you, kind of like a fungus! No you don't need to follow my advice! Nor should you! WTF do I know? I've only been 'in country' a couple of times or more! Be it going into combat or going to prison ~ there's the 'vets' that are going to tell you how to come out the otherside of this mess! I use to go through my platoon and rip off this and that! "You need this, your need that, but you don't need this and that!" Number #1 was sleeping mats! Take out a e-tool and dig out a hole for your buttocks! But some idiot in Washington, D.C. decided that Marines should tote around sleeping mats like kids in Kindergarden? There's the way it is and there's the way its suppose to be! Somewhere beteween the two? Is a little thing I like to call reality! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts