Wish I'd never...

[Sarebear]

Hi All,

 

I wrote a few months ago about the problems I was having with my ex and my new boy and all the help was great. My situation has now swapped. I am back with my ex after much deliberating. I think I needed the time away from my ex as now we have an excellent relationship. We worked through everything, including the fact that I had an affair with someone from work (my old "new" boyfriend now ex).

 

I broke things off with the guy from work, citing personal problems which was true. It is now months later. Out of the blue last week the work-ex called me up and layed into me, he was incredibly cruel (verbally and emotionally) and I was not aware I had done anything to incite this. The work-ex said he had gone away for the weekend and seen some things he did not like and he thought I would like to know his opinions on them and a few other matters. I let him know I did not appreciate such behaviour and it was uncalled for. He did apologise, but the repercussions of his words are quite severe despite this.

 

I used to suffer depression because I was severely abused, sexually and emotionally, as a child. The work-ex used this against me. I am trying really hard to fight it but I find myself going back into the depression. I am doing things again that I haven't since I was last diagnosed. Work has become difficult as I can't bear looking at him as it reminds me of the awful things he said.

 

I wish I had never had the affair. I can't seem to raise my mood and I don't want to let the bastard win and get the better of me. I can't help thinking he did it on purpose as he knew how severely such words would affect me. I need some advice on how to handle the work-ex at work and myself. Please help!!

[D.]

It sounds like this worker "ex" has been on a slow boil since you left him to return to your husband ... especially if he was dredging up everything he possibly could to upset, insult and hurt you. The steam on the slow cooker finally blew the top off the pot and he wanted to lite into you to make himself feel better.

 

At this time, that is ALL the significance I would give it, ignore it totally and let it go. Let him have his satisfaction of having "given you what for", ya know.

 

However, should this continue, it is NOT a good thing and could possibly turn into something really nasty. Should that happen, you can always take out a restraining order against him and it would be highly reccommended.

 

Let up hope he was just blowing steam and nothing else will come of this.

 

DO NOT LET HIS WORDS HAVE POWER OVER YOU TO CONTROL HOW YOU FEEL. THEY ARE HIS WORDS. IT IS YOUR CHOICE TO PERCEIVE THEM AS YOU WILL. IT IS YOUR CHOICE TO KNOW IT IS HIS PROBELM AND NOT YOURS AND NOT TO LET THE CRUEL AND VISCIOUS THINGS HE SAID HAVE ANY AFFECT UPON YOU. LET IT GO! AGAIN, LET IT GO! YOU HAVE THE POWER!

[Tony T]

When you decided to become involved with the gentleman at work, I am sure you considered all ramifications in the event of a falling out.

 

Now, you simply have to transcend his emotional outbursts and immature reactions and look past them to the future. As I say in almost every post, we have to face the consequences of our actions. Luckily, they always contain excellent lessons.

 

Depression is anger turned inward. Your depression is not due to this man or the end of the affair but to the events from your past that have surfaced to your conscious level as you described in your post.

 

Children who sustain serious sexual and emotional abuse as children deal with their helplessness by repressing the anger they feel at the time. Make this the golden opportunity for dredging up all the anger from your childhood and processing it out of your soul. Your anger is most likely at the perpetrators of the abuse. You know who they are...the people that hurt you and the people that didn't protect you from that abuse.

 

By eliminating the pent up anger, you will lift your spirits greatly. If you cannot afford adequate counselling or therapy, consider a visit to a library or bookstore to read some literature on anger, dysfunctional families and co-dependency. Look in the index and read all the pages on dealing with anger.

 

You will feel a whole lot better.

 

Also, children who grew up in terribly chaotic and unpredictable home environments tend to try to re-create that same drama in their adult lives. Once you heal, you will place a much greater value on peace and normalcy and most likely not go for situations that will disturb your quality of life.

 

This whole episode may have happened to change your life for the better. If you turn it around to your benefit by getting over the pain and hurt from your childhood so you can get a lot more joy and happiness from your adulthood, you may bow down and thank this ex worker/love interest for the good he has given you in your life.

 

As far as how to handle him, you can't. He has to handle himself. Just give no measure of power to his words and don't seem bothered. He will quit and you will have learned your lesson.