Why do I miss a guy who spit on me?

[analisa]

Hello,

This feels nuts but I need help dealing with ending a five year relationship with a man who is clearly mentally ill and a jerk to boot - but I cant stop thinking about him, about the sex ( which was completely amazing! why are crazy guys so hot?), about the good times we had ( few & far between )....'

Ive broken up with him several times and I have a restraining order! after he climbed in through my window when we were estranged and got in my bed and refused to leave. Each time I go back. I feel like I am addicted to:

 

the drama

the make up sex

the sex in general

the fact that he's obsessed with me

the way he is super nice at first when i go back

the idea that it could/should be so easy, so good......why cant we make it work?

 

I mean, yeah, the guy spit on me, for christ's sake. He called me a whore in front of his dad. He called my best friend a cunt. he has no friends, and pretty much his entire family is really unpleasant to be around. my friends and kids think he's creepy.

 

and he says that if I would only really commit and move in/marry him, he will finally feel secure and happy and stop crying everyday and telling me that he needs a real girlfriend. ( i avoid going over there when he has crying episodes. he is chronically depressed but says it's because he is lonely cuz i wont come over )

 

of course i would never ever move in.

 

anyway, any suggestions for getting the jerk off my mind and making sure I just dont go out and replace him with a new improved jerk? I've dated other men, i work a lot, hang with friends, pamper myself, exercise, read, do art, sew, etc etc.....it just feels really ****ed up to be hung up on someone who is so clearly whack. i dont understand.

 

thank you ! lisa

[whichwayisup]

You are addicted to how he makes you feel, even though it's a VERY unhealthy dynamtic filled relationship. It won't work because he IS the wrong guy for you. Yeah he turns you on in ways that noone else could compare, but a relationship is supposed to be more than that. He is f**ked up, is a jerk and won't change, for you or anyone else because he won't admit HIS faults. It's easier to be an a-hole and deflect crap on others. Yuck, I hate people like that.

 

How do you get over him? Be strong and allow yourself to grieve the loss. Grieve what could have been, but just know that ending it and cutting him out of your life forever is setting you free - Free to grow as a person, free to find someone will love you, respect you and treat you well. Unlike him.

 

Keep busy, talk to your friends and family, enjoy life as much as you can - Don't let your saddness or desire of wanting him get in the way. And, keep posting.

[sugarmomma]

Wow! I have been there and done that. You are addicted to the drama and it only gets worse. Please try to work on your self worth and self esteem issues. He is gonna start beating the crap out of you if you keep going back. You sound as if you also have boundary and codependency issues. Stay out of r for a while and get into counseling for abused women.

 

I wish you the best because he is not it.

[Groovy]

Hi:) I am sorry you are having this problem. Some people flock unconsciously toward abusive unhealthy relationships. This can be caused by self esteem, upbringing and many factors.

 

I would suggest finding counseling for domestic abuse in your area. These services are usually free and provide reading materials, groups, individual counseling, etc.

 

While you may not be physically battered it sounds like you have elements of control, verbal abuse, jealousy, etc that define domestic abuse that can affect areas of your life. You are allowing trust, respect and self worth to be destroyed by someone and do not deserve that. No one does. I'm sure there are good times. But someone who is a friend should not do these things, plain and simple.

 

Best of luck and hugs......

[Angel1111]

What he really means is that if you would just marry him, he would then be able to escalate his abusive behavior and make your life a true, living hell because marriage means ownership to him.

 

Simply put, this addiction you have is just a dependency chemical in your brain. It's a near-impossible cycle to break but you need to muster every ounce of strength you have and get away from this guy.

 

If you think this rollercoaster relationship is bad now, think about marrying him and having kids with him. His abuse will escalate to physical abuse and you get to live with this horror, and with the horror of knowing you're raising your kids in an insane environment. Not only that, if you do leave him (and if he doesn't kill you in the process), that will mean that your kids will have to go to this nut's house without you being there and then you get to guess how he might be torturing them. And don't kid yourself that the courts will step in because that usually doesn't happen.

 

If you think there's anything cute of sexy about a man that is on the path to wrecking your life in every way he can, go ahead and keep pondering what it's all about. There will come a day that you will hate him so much that you'll be thinking of ways to poison him without getting caught because you'll realize that's your only way out.

 

I strongly recommend that you read the book entitled, "Why Does He Do That?" and you'll understand this cycle of abuse in a way that no other book describes it. The author counseled literally thousands of abusive men and he has a perspective like no one else. These guys all have the same story, the same reactions, the same excuses. You'll understand that even the happy times with this guy are also a form of abuse because it's also part of the cycle. They know that they can't torture a person 100% of the time so they measure this torture. And if you think this obsessive love he has for you is something wonderful, here's a newsflash for you - this obsession is about him - not you. And if you ever piss him off for any reason - like being upset that he's abusing you - then he'll cheat on you just to prove to you just how little you mean.

 

I know all this sounds too crazy and you don't think you'll ever get involved that deep. But the truth is, you have already travelled very far down this road. Get over this idea of thinking that you're someone special to him. You're not. You're someone that he has targeted as the person he wants to break. You're the one he has decided to become the best actor in the world for so that he can take you down a few more notches. It's like being in a dark alley and being selected by a rapist. Not flattering. You're a victim. These men are lethal and you need to dig yourself out of this trap.

 

Marry this guy and kiss your life goodbye. He will take everything your ever knew about yourself and crush it into the ground. I don't care how strong you are. He'll bring you to your knees. Then you can tell us how sexy he is after that.

 

P.S. If you think the numerous break-ups show that you're strong and that you're taking up for yourself, let me wake you up just a tad. A woman who truly respects herself would never even consider uttering two words to a man who spit on her and called her a whore. You need a reality check. You're perspective is already skewed drastically because he has gotten you to that point. You have compromised your dignity and self-respect. You're sleeping with a man who treats you like trash, and he has somehow managed to make you believe this is somehow hot and sexy.

[Citizen Erased]

You have children, think before you let someone like this into your life.

[Taramere]

...it just feels really ****ed up to be hung up on someone who is so clearly whack. i dont understand.

 

thank you ! lisa

 

There have been times I've had to represent people who are seriously mentally ill...going to visit them in psychatric hospital, taking their instructions - and (here's a laugh) trying to advise them. It's like trying to give rational advice to a determined troll on a message board....except that you've got reports in front of you to remind you "This meeting is not for entertainment purposes. This person is not trying to be funny or controversial to amuse you. He/she is mad. Don't take any stupid risks, sit close to the door and get out the moment you see any freakiness that's suggestive of a violent outburst being imminent."

 

It can sometimes be difficult to comprehend that the deeply irrational and disturbed are not just fooling around or trying to freak you out for a laugh.

 

after he climbed in through my window when we were estranged and got in my bed and refused to leave.

 

the guy spit on me, for christ's sake. He called me a whore in front of his dad. He called my best friend a cunt. he has no friends, and pretty much his entire family is really unpleasant to be around. my friends and kids think he's creepy.

 

he says that if I would only really commit and move in/marry him, he will finally feel secure and happy and stop crying everyday

 

If someone's hooked into a bad relationship with someone like that, I don't automatically think "well they must be insane too." I think it's just sometimes very difficult for relatively normal and rational people to accept mental illness as a fact. To realise that it isn't something that can be cured with love, reason or fair play. That the person spitting on you or calling you a whore isn't a decent and normal person who's been driven to violence because of something insanely annoying or wrong about you. You're just seeing the effects of faulty wiring in the brain, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix it.

 

Either you stick around in the misguided belief that one day they'll magically get better....or you accept that there's a mental illness, and get ready to play tolerant and understanding psychiatric nurse. Not to mention placing yourself and your own mental health at risk....and (as Citizen Erased has touched upon) exposing your children to the risk of emotional and physical abuse from that individual. The reward is the odd bout of freaky, wild sex.

 

It's hard for women to accept that they're being led by their libido, I think. Sounds so much more romantic to talk about being led by the heart....but I think if you were being led by your heart here, you would surely have absolutely no problem in ditching someone who is very likely to put your children at risk.

[2sure]

Sometimes when a person has been abused in the past or in a current relationship...they ask themselves: Why do I keep coming back or Why does this happen in every relationship? The abuse doesnt always have to be the same kind, but the result is that you are the victim of someone else's problem.

 

You probably tell yourself that you stay because you love him.

 

The fact is, you have developed a comfort level with abuse. It is familiar to you. Its what you are used to navigating, the relationship you have become accustomed to. Thats why so many people consistently find themselves is unhealthy relationships....we gravitate to the familiar, we assume the same roles.

 

Maybe.

[Angel1111]

I think it's just sometimes very difficult for relatively normal and rational people to accept mental illness as a fact. To realise that it isn't something that can be cured with love, reason or fair play. That the person spitting on you or calling you a whore isn't a decent and normal person who's been driven to violence because of something insanely annoying or wrong about you. You're just seeing the effects of faulty wiring in the brain, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix it.

 

This is very true. I would also add that abusers walk a fine line between normal and devious, but I do not believe they're insane. The problem is, they KNOW they're being abusive and they deliberately water-down their behavior so that the abused person is left somewhat dizzy and confused. Or, to put it another way, they will show the proper remorse so that the abused person believes he finally gets it, that he finally understands how badly he's acting, and that he'll stop. And then he'll blindside you from out of the blue, and it starts all over again.

 

The truth about abusers is that they know what they're doing and have no desire to change their behavior because they're addicted to the feeling of power that abusing gives them. This is why I have no sympathy for them at all. They only ACT like they're sorry because they know that women are dumb enough to buy into their BS. Women aren't taught that self-respect is primary in a relationship. It supercedes everything else. This crap about love conquering all is just that - total crap. These guys are not fixable, and every second spent with them is a second wasted.

[Taramere]

This is very true. I would also add that abusers walk a fine line between normal and devious, but I do not believe they're insane. The problem is, they KNOW they're being abusive and they deliberately water-down their behavior so that the abused person is left somewhat dizzy and confused. Or, to put it another way, they will show the proper remorse so that the abused person believes he finally gets it, that he finally understands how badly he's acting, and that he'll stop. And then he'll blindside you from out of the blue, and it starts all over again.

 

The truth about abusers is that they know what they're doing and have no desire to change their behavior because they're addicted to the feeling of power that abusing gives them. This is why I have no sympathy for them at all. They only ACT like they're sorry because they know that women are dumb enough to buy into their BS. Women aren't taught that self-respect is primary in a relationship. It supercedes everything else. This crap about love conquering all is just that - total crap. These guys are not fixable, and every second spent with them is a second wasted.

 

That's a good description of a psychopath. I was posting about psychopathy a while back, and Cherry Blossom suggested I get hold of a copy of "the sociopath next door". So I did - and it's currently in a pile of about 20 other "must read before the year end" books. Taking a quick look at the intro, it talks about the assumptions people have that those they are dealing with have a conscience (similar to the assumption rational people have that those they are dealing with share that ability to be rational).

 

Imagine - if you can - not having a conscience, none at all, no feeling of guilt or remorse, no matter what you do, no limiting concern for the well-being of strangers, friends or even family members. Imagine no struggles with shame, not a single one in your whole life, no matter what kind of selfish, lazy, harmful or immoral action you had taken. And pretend that the concept of responsibility is unknown to you, except as a burden others seem to accept without question, like gullible fools. Now add to this strange fantasy the ability to conceal from other people that your psychological makeup is radically different from theirs.

 

The difference between that and mental illness is, I suppose, that sociopaths are rational and in control of what they do. The physical abuser who takes care to hit where it won't show. The mental abuser who consciously employs a strategy of demonstrating affection one moment and cruelty the next, in order to keep the target in a constant state of approval seeking confusion.

 

The strand running throughout it all, and the thing that keeps the target hanging on, is probably the implicit message "you are sh*t in so many ways....but you do excel in the business of tolerating the abuse I dish out. That is the only strength you can pride yourself on."

[westernxer]

These trolls, I'm telling you! LOL

[Taramere]

These trolls, I'm telling you! LOL

 

Do you think the OP is really a guy providing some online, anecdotal evidence to support the "women prefer guys who abuse them" theory, W?

[westernxer]

Do you think the OP is really a guy providing some online, anecdotal evidence to support the "women prefer guys who abuse them" theory, W?

 

I don't know who or why... I can only trace the patterns they weave.

[Angel1111]

The strand running throughout it all, and the thing that keeps the target hanging on, is probably the implicit message "you are sh*t in so many ways....but you do excel in the business of tolerating the abuse I dish out. That is the only strength you can pride yourself on."

 

OMG, that is SO true, it's funny.

[Angel1111]

I don't know who or why... I can only trace the patterns they weave.

 

Ummm....what ARE you talking about?

[Angel1111]

Ok, nevermind. I see what you're saying. Yeah, the OP did disappear but sometimes that's because they're so ashamed of what they've been doing. Regardless, it's better to treat the OP as if they're genuine. If they're trolls, then they're trolls. Who cares about them?