jondoe2227 Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 Getting really worried about my wife and ongoing inappropriate chat with male friends. I am the most unjealous person you could meet, and have no problem with appropriate male friendships - i.e. not the usual paranoia attack. However, to put this in context, in Jan this year, she cheated on me and had a 'night out with the girls' where she actually met up in a hotel with a guy she had met online. This was the only time it happened and she was truly sorry and I forgave her. We were going through a bad patch in our marriage, she was on antidepressants, I was a workoholic, and she felt neglected, and one thing led to another. I forgave her because I cannot imagine life without her, I love her so much and I could see the error of my ways - I have changed since then and my family comes first. Since then, I have caught her chatting innappropriately a couple of times, with other guys from when we had issues, gone through the apology thing again and moved on. She recently started chatting with her ex from 13yrs ago, who I think is having some relationship issues himself, and I am really worried things are going to escalate again. I don't think she can help herself on the saucy chat, and whilst I hope it would come to nothing, I am besides myself with worry that it will and it will end up with an encounter. I personally think saucy chat is innappropriate under the circumstances. I have dropped 3 stone since Jan, feel stressed all the time and worry that I will lose her again to an online flirty relationship. I dont know what to think or do anymore - I cant live another 6 months in pain waking up to the thought I am not enough for her and that she might do something silly again I know she loves me, but I worry whether I ever got her back at all, or whether she realises that there is something (or someone) more she wants out of life other than a devoted husband, security and the greatest kids in the world? Link to post Share on other sites
Davey McG Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 Why are you still with this woman? You forgave her and she carries on doing this type of thing. You are naive to think that flirting online is innocent and if she's in contact with an ex then it can't lead to anything good. YOU ARE NOT HAVING A PARANOIA ATTACK. There is no such thing as not being able to help yourself when it comes to having cyber-sex. Its not heroin! She clearly has NO respect for you, which is why she's openly doing this with other guys. She seems to have done nothing to fix the relationship, though and you can't make her want to. Kick her out. Then carry on working on yourself (congrats on the 3 stone). The kids will grow up better not having a cuckold for a father and a mother that doesn't respect him. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 if she really loved you, she wouldn't be flirting online like that... she is taking the p***. Absolute no respect for you. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 I could see the error of my ways - I have changed since then and my family comes first. When one spouse feels this way and the other clearly does not, the marriage is basically over. She does not see the error of her ways, she has not changed, and clearly her family does not come first. There is only one way to end this sort of thing, and that is by force. You will have to sit her down and tell her that she will stop what she is doing under threat of divorce. Get rid of, or password lock all of the computers and make it so that she cannot get on line. If she has a cell phone, monitor her bill. If she begins to 'need time' and leave a lot, put a PI on her tail. Make it as impossible as you can for her to do what she is doing. She will be angry - very angry, and probably threaten divorce herself but that is what junkies do when you take away their fix. Get her to counseling one way or the other. If she refuses and continues to refuse, go get divorce papers drawn up, and get a lawyer who will put you in the clear advantage. Bring them home, sign them and tell her that she will get her sh*t together and work on this marriage, or she will sign the papers, pack her crap and get out immediately. End of story. Take the reigns. You have to be in control now, since she clearly is not. That is your only option if you want your marriage back. Otherwise she is simply going to continue to do this for as long as you tolerate it or you leave. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted August 15, 2009 Share Posted August 15, 2009 She is out there in cyberland looking for a replacement for you. You are not paranoid, not at all. All the time she is chatting with others she is ignoring you and getting further away from you. The talking to the ex has got to be your wake up call. You have already forgiven her for her first cheating episode and now she feels she can just do it again, and all will be forgiven. Show her otherwise. Pack her bags and tell her to get out. See what she does then. Might be just what she needs to scare herself out of it. Otherwise, things go on as there are and when she finds someone else, because she is actively seeking to do so, she is gone anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jondoe2227 Posted August 16, 2009 Author Share Posted August 16, 2009 Thanks for the advice guys - guess I have some BIG time thinking to do. It is a shame as I think she is a case of being too easily lead astray and giving off the wrong messages to these guys in terms of her happiness in life, which they interpret as a come-on. I don't understand it as I chat online to girl friends (while she is there) but never in that way - to me it would not feel right. The more I look at it, she knows my thoughts and I can't stand this sort of this secret sneaky stuff - will see what the future brings Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 16, 2009 Share Posted August 16, 2009 Unless you force this to stop, your future holds this: More chatting and more affairs. She is going to continue to do what you let her get away with. People do not stop this sort of thing altruistically. They only stop when forced to, and when forced to see what a terrible loss they will face if they don't stop it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 16, 2009 Share Posted August 16, 2009 She hasn't suffered ANY consquences and that's why she's still chatting away online. You need to stand up and take control. She needs to see what she's been doing is wrong as well as do counselling..her depression isn't gone, whatever issues she has going on inside of her NEED to be dealt with so she can become a happier person, a better wife.. Those issues are still there and she's getting something, an ego feed, or a need met by chatting online. Something is missing inside of her. Link to post Share on other sites
motive2002 Posted August 16, 2009 Share Posted August 16, 2009 I love her so much and I could see the error of my ways The error of your ways?? You know there's something wrong when your wife cheats and you assume the blame for it. Her cheating is her issue, not yours. You simply need to decide if you care to live with it anymore. The best case scenario is possibly marriage counseling. You really need to make sure she knows that her behavior is unacceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
singledad2 Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 my wife was "addicted" to facebook and in the last 2 weeks friended her high school prom date and packed her bags took all the money out of the checking account, and left me with 3 kids and our second vehicle instead of the new Minivan. Its not your imagination. God help me to move forward. Please pray for my kids to get over this, and I will pray you guys can get counseling so you can understand your part in all this and she can fill the emptiness in her heart which is leading her away from Jesus and to temptation so easily. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts