rrggww Posted November 15, 2003 Share Posted November 15, 2003 Im 26, she is 20. We met online in Feb. She was living with a guy, but she said it wasn't going anywhere and they weren't sleeping together anymore. We talk again in April, and she has moved out and is living by herself. We talk for a couple of weeks, all of the time. She is really into me, and she is really sweet and cute and fun to talk too. I talk her into driving 300miles to come see me for the weekend and she does. She is really cute in person and fun, she admits that she has slept with 3 guys since we had talked in Feb. I let it go and we continue to have a good time, but no sex. She goes home on sunday, and we talk all week. I fly down to see her the next weekend, and we have a great time. I tell her I love her and vise versa, I met her family and we went paddle boating on the river. I ask her to come back with me, so we get a uhual and pack up her stuff and she just leaves to come back with me. She didn't tell her job that she was leaving, or tell her mom untill later. We move her into my house, and introduce her to my parents and family. Things are great, but she was dependant upon me and eventually I get to the point where its hard for me to spend all of my time with her. We take alot of trips, and have fun, but she doesn't interact alot with my family. Some friction develops, but not much, when i make a suggestion she does it, whether it is changing her hair or working out or makeup or whatever. She cooks and is fun to be with, but she hasn't had alot of an education, has never heard of the civil war. I leave for a month for school, while she stays back looking for a job which is adding alot of pressure. We write each other all the time and i call her alot. I called her my future fiance on the phone, and when i get back i find out im engaged. I go along with it, and she has alot of wedding songs on her computer, and is really excited about it. but after a while I say, hey i never asked u to marry me and put off the engagement for a while. This hurts her, she thinks she did something wrong. She gets a job, and spends alot of time there. Things between us were akward after the fiance thing, and she is kinda sad. I wasn't sensitive enough, and I get tired of her being sad all the time and I tell her its not working out. She cries, but i just went to bed without talking to her. In the morning I apologize and try to make things better, but there is now alot of friction. I tell her its not working out again, but just to get a reaction out of her. She starts wanting to hang out with people from work, doesnt come home untill 5am. I get mad, she keeps wanting to go out with them, and by herself. I find her at 3am at a house with another guy, she says she's not cheating. I think something is up, but we still hangout alot. But she keeps wanting to go out, so eventually i just say no. I catch her lying about it, and it gets to the point where she wants to move out. She says her feelings changed for me, but still wants to see me, and asks if she can ask me out on a date when she moves out. So she moves, and another guy from work has been staying at her house the entire time, about a month. I asked her about him numerous times, and she said he was a dork and she didn't like him, just friends. Even after she moved out she said that. But eventually she says they're starting to date. I freak out and try to get her back, notes, letters, trying to go by and talk to her, ect. She just starts ignoring me, but I keep trying to talk to her. Sent flowers, letter, pouring my heart out, telling her im sorry about the engagement thing, ask her to marry me again. She just says no, and that I should move on. I deliver her some mail, and im thinking I'll never talk to this girl again. The next day, we talk online for about an hour. I made her laugh alot, we talk about my family, she says she misses and loves them. I try to charm her, but she says "its too late, haha", but i tell her i learned my lesson and compliment her alot, and that makes her feel good and she says, "well i wish you would have learned your lesson when you got back from your school trip instead of when i moved out". But she also says she is sad "always" and "doesent know where happiness is", and ends the conversation by saying, "talk to ya later, k? and let me come to you when im ready, ok?" I don't really know what she meant by that, I've giving her another letter trying to get her back a few days ago, and I took her some more mail with a stuffed animal and a little note, just saying hi and just some topical stuff. I haven't heard from her in a week, and this other guy is still staying with her. Her mom is manic depressive and is telling her to meet alot of people and not settle down, so im going against that too. She obviously isnt happy, but wont talk to me either. I have poured my heart out to no avail, and don't know what to do now. Im very good looking, and this other guy isnt. I didn't spend enough time with her when we were living together, but I tell her that I love her and that if she comes back I'll be her perfect guy. Can anyone help me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rrggww Posted November 15, 2003 Author Share Posted November 15, 2003 I should have more specific, when she moved in, we had sex alot and it was great. But after the engagement thing, the sex stopped, she didn't want to anymore, I think to punish me but who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 15, 2003 Share Posted November 15, 2003 I tell her its not working out again, but just to get a reaction out of her. People have GOT to stop playing these stupid games. It always backfires on you! It looks like you are learning a lesson a lot of other men who have come to this board have learned the hard way - you need to tend to the relationship while you have it. People treat their partners badly; the partners fall out of love, and then people expect that they can 'fix' what they broke. Hearts don't work like that!!! You can't kill love and expect it to grow again. Relationships are like houseplants - if you don't take care of them the first time, you can't revive them once you've killed them. She might come back. However, it doesn't sound good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rrggww Posted November 15, 2003 Author Share Posted November 15, 2003 Does anyone have any plan of action that I should take? Should I leave her alone and hope that she misses me? Or try to be her friend? Anything I haven't thought of? Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted November 15, 2003 Share Posted November 15, 2003 This is not love; more like lust and infatiation. Friend - The two of you moved way too fast. And she sounds like she has alot of personal issues. I only see much grief and heartache if you try and pursue her. Stop with the poems and letters and just leave it alone!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rrggww Posted November 15, 2003 Author Share Posted November 15, 2003 Ok, but assuming I don't want to leave it alone, what should I do. Link to post Share on other sites
mr_roggger Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 At least leave her alone for a few weeks then!? Space will do the both of you good, I am giving my ex space right now and I know it is doing me good...it was hard at first, but giving this space gets *slightly* easier each day. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 rrggww - Have you already decided that you are not gonna leave it alone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rrggww Posted November 16, 2003 Author Share Posted November 16, 2003 I'm going to go with giving her space, it its hard though. I've written her everything that can be written, and tried everything else. Flowers, notes, long letters, stuffed animals, ect. Keep in mind that at one time this girl worshiped me and loved me more than anything. So, its hard to imagine her not even wanting to talk to me now. But I've been pestering her I guess, how long should I not contact her? Especially with the holidays comming up? Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 Flowers, notes, long letters, stuffed animals, ect???? You need to stop this right now!!! Dude - You're definately not gonna win her back -- More like freak her out and scare her off!!! Don't contact her at all, not even during the holidays!!! Cherish what you had, suck it up and drive on!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rrggww Posted November 16, 2003 Author Share Posted November 16, 2003 I think after getting hurt, that she just wants to have fun and not worry about anything right now. But the more that I act like i still love her and want her back, the more she feels like she can still go have her fun. So, Im gonna compleately back off so that she doesnt have me as a fall back anymore. Thats my only option besides getting a horse drawn carriage or a helicopter and wisking her away, haha. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rrggww Posted November 16, 2003 Author Share Posted November 16, 2003 There is just so much pain because it was all my fault, and I have alot of guilt about that. And there is jelousy, because she has another guy or whatever. And, she says that she is depressed and sad and unhappy, so I feel for her for that. And my family really misses her, and I miss having her to go do things with and having someone to love. I've never been through anything like this before. Its torture, especially when you think about all of the fun things we did together and how much she loved me. Link to post Share on other sites
KitWalker Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 rrggww i know where you're coming from, I didnt do "too" much on the hanging on part, I wrote a letter I sent "a flower" and now i've stopped contacting her all together, hoping that she will come back after having some time off. Its been 1month and 16 days since she broke up with me and its been around 2 weeks that I've not contacted her at all...... Theres a few of us in the same boat mate, so what we have to do is rally together, drop a line in this forum instead of trying to contact our 'ex'. You can look at the good side of her seeing someone else, as that whoever she will go out with now, she will compare with you! More than likely, she will realise that all these other people that she goes out with will not measure up to yourself! Could be back sooner than you think! I'll keep my fingers crossed mate! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rrggww Posted November 17, 2003 Author Share Posted November 17, 2003 I can't even come close to forgiving myself for doing all of the stupid things that I did, and saying the idiotic things that I said. I did alot of great things for her, but in the end I hurt this perfect angel and I know that I don't deserve to get her back. I don't think I'll ever get over this, Im such a dumbass. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Just wait her out. It may take 3 months or more. Let her come back to you. In the meantime, work on improving yourself and your situation. Concentrate on yourself. Good things will follow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rrggww Posted November 17, 2003 Author Share Posted November 17, 2003 How do I get her respect back, after trying so hard to talk to her and the letters/flowers/ect. I know that number 1 I should not contact her at all, but if she talks to me, what should my attitude be? Should I be friendly, but not try to get her to see me. Or should I seem busy, and seem like I've lost a little interest. Or something else? Any ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
mr_roggger Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Act happy...hopefully you will be happy eventually so won't have to act. Don't bring up the relationship, but if she suggests to meet I know I'd agree if it were my ex.! Do not show yourself as needing her, show yourself as being able to get on with your life without her! Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 i agree, you should now be focusing more on yourself instead of ways to manipulate her into coming back or depserate ways to winning her back etc..... when you start to see what roles you did in the relationship to cause it to end, its that time for you to evaluate how you acted during your relationship and how you can change yourself... it may be she does not want you back for fear of it getting back to the way it was.... for whatever reasons shes not wanting your relationship back for specific reasons.... maybe look within your self and see what you need to change.... you doing what your doing is definately NOT desirable for her, nor is it changing her mind about you for the better.... if anything your most likely scaring the bejeesus out of her...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author rrggww Posted November 17, 2003 Author Share Posted November 17, 2003 I wish I had got this advice sooner. I hope that Im not in the too late segment. It just feels like Im helpless, and I have been really working on my self and looking at what I did wrong, and what I can do to fix it. Its just hard to only rely upon time to do what it might never do, this sucks. Thanks for all the great advice though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rrggww Posted November 18, 2003 Author Share Posted November 18, 2003 Does this "give her time" stuff ever work?? Link to post Share on other sites
mr_roggger Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 I would think that it's more likely to work than not giving "her" time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rrggww Posted November 18, 2003 Author Share Posted November 18, 2003 Well she talked to me today, but just to bitch me out for calling her mom. She had told me how depressed and sad she was and she told me that one time when she felt that way the thought about taking pills, so I had to call her mom and tell her to watch out for her and to help her. When I talked to her mom she said that she really appreciated me telling her that. If she had done something, I never would have forgiven myself for that. So anway, she tells me to leave her family alone, which I did last week, and I haven't contacted her or anyone else related to her for 6 days. So, I think that she just wanted to take out some anger on me. She told me that I shoulnd't have been an ass to her, and that I should be over it. But I told her that the guy (me) who teased her and stuff before isnt me, and I went on to tell her all the things that I loved doing with her is the real me. So I totally disarmed her, but I understand that she is still mad at me and has a right to be able to get her feelings out, so I let her. When I was saying the really nice things to her, she just said, well I don't have time for this, bye, leave me alone. She is still really pissed at me I guess, but she has a right to be. I know that I don't deserve her, but if she gave me another chance I really would love her the way that she deserves to be loved. Could it be that she is still pissed because she still has feelings there? Should I try to apologize for calling her mom, or just leave it be and let her come to me when she has quit being pissed? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rrggww Posted November 18, 2003 Author Share Posted November 18, 2003 Should I do something really sweet for her, and say sorry, not in a pathetic way, just say that I thought about it and I think she is right? Would that help or hurt? Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 NO!! She is either having trouble dealing with her feelings, in which case you have to leave her alone until SHE works it out. -or- She is having trouble dealing with making you sad, in which case you have to leave her alone until SHE works it out. -or- She is having trouble facing you because she did something that she is ashamed to talk about, in which case you have to leave her alone until SHE works it out. -or- She is overwhelmed by her feelings for you and needs to sort things out, in which case you have to leave her alone until SHE works it out. You cannot convince her. You cannot coax her. You cannot make her change her mind. You have told her everything you can tell her. So wait. Plan on sending her a christmas card on Dec 12th, a nice neutral card, with just your name signed, nothing else. Don't do anything until then unless she contacts you. If she does, leave everything completely up to her as to how fast to take things and do not bring up the relationship unless she does so first. I know it seems like you have to do something, but your task right now is to wait. Nothing else. Link to post Share on other sites
KitWalker Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 Sounds like some very good advice! Link to post Share on other sites
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