Is there anything that I can do to get her back?

[trying]

keeping a journal might help

whenever you are tempted to call or email or write to her, write in the journal instead...or post here

that way, you can process and express your feelings WITHOUT contacting her

[rrggww]

What is supposed to happen by me not contacting her? What excatly (hopefully) will take place from her perspective?

[lostforwords]

I freak out and try to get her back, notes, letters, trying to go by and talk to her, ect. She just starts ignoring me, but I keep trying to talk to her. Sent flowers, letter, pouring my heart out, telling her im sorry about the engagement thing, ask her to marry me again. She just says no, and that I should move on. I deliver her some mail, and im thinking I'll never talk to this girl again.

 

 

perhaps you dont learn from your mistakes?.... most likely youll freak her out and she'll just cut you off out of her life......

[lost_in_chgo]

You are pushing her further away if she cannot deal with you now. What you accomplish is allowing her time to come to terms with things. This isn't about you any more. It's about her and her thought and feelings. You cant influence that positively at this point.

 

You already told her you want her back right?

So she knows, but she isn't ready for that.

 

So wait.

 

Honestly, she may never come back. But nothing you do is going to change that. So wait.

Decide how long you are willing to wait .... and wait.

 

If you don't you'll eventually push her to the point where she'll take steps to prevent you from talking to her. (like not talking to you, then changing her numbers, then calling the police.) None of which will be a positive influence on your relationship chances.

 

So suck it up and wait.

The distance will help you a little bit too.

 

I'm going on a month of no contact now, 3 months since the breakup. Still hopeful, but it isn't up to me.

 

You should focus on you and stay open to new possibilities. She may end up regretting this, and she may even end up regretting that you found someone better before she came back. Time will tell.

 

Read this:

http://www.divorcecentral.com/forums/lifeline_forums/messages/10542.html

[rrggww]

She took steps to stop talking to me a while back. Didnt answer her phone, blocked my email address, wouldn't come to the door when I went over. But I left her some mail and a note saying that I was sorry that I had been acting so crazy. So, the next day we talked for a hour and it was great. But the next week (last week) I sent a few notes, ect. And tuesday she talked to me, but only because she was pissed off. So, I left her a photography book (because she mentioned to me once that she loved it but never had time) and just said that I was sorry for calling her sister and pissing her off, and that I thought that she might like the book that I hoped it would make her hate me a little less, and that she was special to me and that I was sorry for upseting her.

 

Yeah, it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do from a tactical standpoint, but you have to understand that it was my fault that the relationship ended. #1 I told her it wasnt working out (out of the blue), and #2 I had said and done some really insensitve things. So, I hoped that the book would make her realize that I did listen to her when she talked about photography, and that it would take away some of her anger.

 

Obviously, I can't do anything else without just being totally pathetic. I'm leaving her alone to her emotions, and her other guy (which is really hard). I'll wait for her to talk to me online, which will hopefully be this weekend.

 

How do I be her friend, but not be "just a friend" at the same time? I want to be there for her, but I also want to try and turn the tables and make her miss me and wonder what Im up too. But I'm not sure exactly how to do it??

[lost_in_chgo]

Well she wont miss you if you are talking to her all the time.

 

If she contacts you play it cool. Talk about anything but the relationship unless she brings it up. I know this is really hard. I failed myself and I've been in the dark for a month. So listen up! Voice of experience! If you push, she with disappear on you and who knows if she will come back. I tried the friends thing and tried just to push it to go to lunch occasionally and got a serious back-away reaction and then the door (figuratively) slammed in my face and I haven't heard anything since.

 

You can send her an email saying that you want her back when she is ready. Try not to say too much more, but make your feelings clear.

 

My situation is a little different, no betrayal, just insecurity and fear.

In your situation she is no doubt feeling betrayed. This may take awhile.

 

You have to wait it out while she sees the other guy. Don't take her back while she is still seeing him. Don't drive by her house. Don't call and hang up. Don't talk to her family or friends (unless they call you). Be cool. Go out with your friends and try to have a good time. And wait.

[KitWalker]

LOST.....how u doing in your situation? This stuff working for you? We seem to be along the same lines? Im trying to leave my ex alone totally...although in Feb she's planning on leaving to go on a working/holiday around the world. Its been about 3weeks since I last talked to her (said goodbye to her the night before she went away to Thailand for 2weeks). She's back now (got back 2 days ago).....was planning to give her a call to 'catch up' maybe next week on Wed? What do you think?

[lost_in_chgo]

KIT, I am on hold.

 

She has to work it out. She's recently divorced after a long marriage and needs to sow her wild oats, so it's a bit more complicated for me re: her feelings. I'm hopeful and hopeless depending on the time of day. But I'm also keeping my options open and moving along with my life and plans as if she will never get her act together. This is the best thing for me in the long run, and if she comes back, hey better for me. She's got a couple kids too, so it's kind of a win-win for me either way. On one hand I don't have the extra responsibility of her kids (some would say burden, but I wouldn't). On the other hand, we are together and happy.

 

But she has some trust rebuilding to do here too. While I understand the the fear and insecurity and stress she is going thru, I can't be her bitch either.

 

 

I told her this:

 

(partial text)

---

If you can't bear to see me, then it is probably better for both of us

that we don't have any contact at all until you sort this out. I won't contact you again. But I hope that you will contact me.

My door is open to you for whatever you are willing to give. I wont ask for any more.

 

I don't know what you are looking for now. Or what you really ever wanted. I know that the divorce is stressful. But you didn't have to run. When you decide what you really want in the long run, maybe you can talk to me about it then.

 

So, I am still interested in trying again if you ever think you might want to, but we will have to start from scratch. If you can't you can't, but please try to separate that from our friendship.

---

 

I was still trying to save the friendship at that point, but now I feel that it is better that she distanced herself. The friendship thing is way too stressful to maintain, especially on a positive footing (which I did manage to do). We've never had an argument over her leaving. I kept it on a positive basis, trying to salvage what I could. But I pushed and I'm on hold now.

 

I repeatedly asked her to try to work things out with me, not realizing that she was already moving on to a new guy. She was refusing to talk to me at all. Once she had started sleeping with him, she began talking to me again. Since she told me about him, I have not asked her back, but have told her how I feel and that I want her back if she changes her mind.

 

After that our online chat was like 4-5 hours a day. 5 hours of work related mindless chatter, nothing serious. But every once in awhile I'd drop in a request for lunch or a talk. She'd get upset and withdraw for a day or two, say she wouldn't ever talk to me again and then come back in a day or two to chat.

 

Then I sent flowers and the new boyfriend saw them and got upset. (aww boo hoo poor baby). So she overreacted and didn't come back. That was a month ago.

 

That's where I am.

 

I'm trying to help those heading for the same disaster.

I really think it best to distance yourself in a nice way and allow her time to recover.

 

Also, I was told all of this from the start by a friend of mine who told me to back off and give her room. I didn't listen because I wanted to make sure I said my piece and that we had some level of communication going. Which we did.

 

She and I have a mutual friend, who a week ago asked her to go to lunch (the 3 of us). She got an answer that she couldn't exactly recall, but she said she had the clear impression that she wasn't ready for that yet. (Not NO, just NOT YET)

 

This evening I was advised by another friend to leave her alone. He said, if I call her, the call will not go the way I want. If she was ready to talk, she would have called. Which means she isn't ready, so calling is a bad idea. I do believe that (in my situation).

 

So I wait.

 

So what have we learned?

 

1) She knows what I want and how I feel. I made it clear.

2) Don't call. If she wanted to talk to you she would call. She isn't ready.

3) Don't call.

4) Don't call.

5) Don't call.

6) Move on with your life as best you can, avoid getting into a rebound relationship too early and for too long. Wait for her if you must, but don't call.

7) OK, a nice neutral card for the holidays (hannukah, xmas, what have you...) signed with just your name. Or send an ecard.

8) Keep your chin up.

9) When she comes back, she does so on mutual terms, not on her terms.

 

Im in my late 30's. Anyone reading this under the age of 20 should probably think about mvoing directly to finding another date. Your g/f or b/f is probably not ready for what you want and wont be for many years.

[NotAnActorOrStar]

I just started reading this thread and rrggww, your position in freakishly very similar to mine.

Me and my girl broke not on a really bad thing, just we both had really stressed out times at the same time, and were't there for each other. She's started to see a guy from work, right away and all I want is her back.

 

She'll still talks to me, crys if we talk about our relationship, still carries and treasures; everywhere she goes, the necklace I gave her. Says she misses me to her friends and family, but stays with this new guy.

Yes I want to marry her, yes I want to spend the rest of my life with her, no I'm not young idiot, yes I belive we were ment to be. And NO I WILL NOT GIVE UP.

 

I read these threads and see so many people going or gone through the same or similar.

Do you call her or do you give her the space? Do you give up or do fight to the end?

All the loss of sleep, appitite, thought, waiting by the phone or to get a respones.

It really sucks. And we're all really fricken confused and almost desprate.

 

Suicide is in some of our minds, BUT IS NOT THE WAY!

I have learned that...

 

It feels like we have only one chance to get back what we've lost, and we want to grab it but we're not sure how to. I wonder if anyone ever has gotten their love back?

[lost_in_chgo]

The answer to that is yes. There are some examples here. If I can locate them again I'll post the links.

The reasons for the breakup may be significant to the eventual outcome though.

 

Hang in there.

[KitWalker]

Guys id be intersted in knowing the outcome/progress of this! I am at wits end here....I know that I have to back off and leave her alone, but she is going away overseas for a year in Feb 04 so Im kinda sad that I wont see her basically for a whole year.

 

Im hoping that one day I will get a call from her, but it seems so wrong that I didnt cheat on her, never lied nor abused her in anyway? Yet I am getting shut out of her world as if I did something as extreme as that????

 

We've been through so much, we've loved each other to bits! Yet now, its just switched off???? I dont know if I could handle knowing she would be with another guy...that would prolly kill me knowing that some b(*&%d is touching her....

[lost_in_chgo]

Kit, same here, good relationship. She said she misses the way things were but she just cant do it and that she is under alot of stress. I dunno if mine will work out or if your will, but they both sound situational rather than specific to problems in the relationships. That gives me hope.

 

I'd say hold out as long as you can. But with that deadline looming, maybe you should pursue a penpal arrangement for the time she is away. I'd say sometime mid January, send her a note or give her a call. Perhaps all of this is her preparing for this big adventure and you were a loose end to tie up. A year long commitment means something very important to her that maybe she just feels she has to do now.

[KitWalker]

LOST good advice..thanks! I can appreciate that she needs to go away for awhile, maybe to clear her head, maybe to get all that 'partying' and 'travelling' out of her system! But if that was the case, I cant understand why she would need to break up with me to do so? I've always been supportive and if things kicked off again prior to her going, i would still be happy for her to go (in a way!) and be happily keeping in contact with her whilst she's away and be here for when she returns!!!

 

The saying "Men will never understand women" is not far from the truth in my case!

[rrggww]

Well I hadn't talked to her since a week ago today. And that was when she was really mad at me for calling her sister, I had tried to be sweet to her but she just through some things back in my face that I had said and done.

 

So today, I was hoping that she would contact me again because its her day off. I never got a message from her, so I im'd her this after noon asking if she was still upset with me, and that I hoped she wasnt becuase I was really sorry.

 

A little while ago I get an im from her saying that she wasnt mad anymore, and she was asking me how I had been? I said great. She said she had been really bad. Basically she said that she was sick last week, broke, hated the neiborhood she moved too after she moved out of my house, missed Austin (remember, she moved here for me...but has been spending alot of time with another guy since I hurt her). She even mentioned that she was a loner 3-4 times. Not sure if she's hinting she's not with this guy anymore, or what. Even if she is, she is obviously not in love or happy enough to want to stay here with him, and she never mentioned him and niether did I.

 

I offered to give her money, she said no..but that she would let me take her to dinner (her favorite place) and let me loan her some money. I said ok. She mentioned that she didnt have a coat, so I offered to get her one as an early Christmas present, she said she would think about it.

 

I don't know if she is wanting to be friends, or is offering me some signs or what. But I can't just leave her alone totally. I reached out to her today, and she reached back, and even brought up letting me take her to dinner.

 

So, I have to be cool, but I have to show and interest too.

[lost_in_chgo]

Hah! an example of my third scenario from an earlier message in this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=128204#post128204

 

comes to life in this post:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=151884#post151884

 

 

As a friend of mine also went thru earlier in life, she cheats and then cant deal with facing him. So she lies instead, and breaks up, never telling him why.