MW: no right to vent but venting anyway

[taylor]

It's been such a long time since I started a new thread I forgot how to.

 

A number of BS here told me I need to assign some blame to the OM for the affair. He was culpable, hence, should take some blame.

 

I still can't blame him for what he did because I was doing the same thing...and I invited him to. I can't throw stones at someone for doing the same thing I was doing.

 

My husband can and other BS can, but I don't feel I deserve that right.

 

I discussed this with my therapist yesterday. She said I have no right to blame him for anything.

 

But I do harbor some resentment...I do blame him for something...but it has nothing to do with his role in hurting my husband. Again I can't blame him for hurting my husband since I invited him to and I was doing the same thing.

 

What I resent about him is how he went silent when I needed him the most.

 

As an OM he owed me nothing. It was his right to walk away any time he wanted. I get that.

 

But as a PERSON..as a FRIEND (we did have a friendship) I felt I deserved better.

 

I put a smile on this man's face when he was down and out.

 

I gave him the confidence to believe in himself again.

 

I gave him strength every day to cope with his many troubles...both on the homefront and at work.

 

I was there for him to dry tears he shed, to settle his nerves, to pick him up when others knocked him down, to calm his fears and frustrations.

 

I handed him the keys to my car when his broke down and he needed to pick his sick daughter up from daycare.

 

I gave him $200 for tires so that he would be safe driving his kids on the highway.

 

I bought his lunches when he didn't have 2 cents to buy a burger off the dollar menu at McDonalds.

 

I bought his children gifts for birthday and Christmas because he couldn't afford to buy them squat.

 

I listened to him talk non-stop about his troubles with the bosses, troubles with his ex-wife, troubles with his brothers and other family members.

 

I gave him child care advice when he was scratching his head about what to do with the kids.

 

I helped him find daycare. I helped him sign up for vocational classes to boost his earning power.

 

I gave him guidance and strength to fight the legal battle for custody of his children.

 

I helped him reclaim his manhood that his ex-wife stole from him.

 

And I made him laugh, see the world in a brighter light..and put a bounce in his step.

 

I gave him hope that the future was a place where his dreams could come true.

 

I WAS THERE FOR HIM.

 

 

He told me he didn't want to lose me.

 

But the second I lost my job, it seems, he was gone. No where to be found. His silence, his lack of concern and compassion, cut me like a knife right thru the heart.

 

He told a friend he blamed himself for me losing my job. It was true. I got fired because he was so distracted with me he couldn't get his work done. He was called in the office over a half dozen times about not being in his dept. and for not meeting production. The boss decided the only way to get his focus back on his job was to get rid of me..he was the more valuable employee.

 

But after I lost my job, did he once tell me he was sorry? Did he once tell me he felt bad? Did he once tell me he thought he may have been to blame in any way?

 

Could he not have found it in him to send a simple two word text saying, "I'm sorry," or "You OK", or "Miss you."

 

Other coworkers were literally crying when I left the job and throwing cell phone numbers at me. What did I get from him. A big fat NOTHING.

 

If it had been him who lost his job, I would have been devastated and I would have contacted him immediately. Where was the compassion. Where was the empathy.

 

At the same time, my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and was given a week or two to live. He died after 6 days.

 

I had coworkers calling me out the whazoo, expressing concern and sympathy.

 

WHERE WAS HE!! His silence cut me like a knife.

 

I don't care if he was THE OM and I was the MW. We were also friends and I treated him as such for a long time. I felt he did owe me some common human decency. I never asked him for anything. I was the giver in the relationship. And the one time when I needed him to give, he couldn't do it.

 

I often wondered after D-day, this man wanted to have sex with me..but he couldn't even pick up the phone and call me to tell me he was sorry I lost my job...sorry I lost my father. I guess I was seeing his true colors. Everytime I think about this I want to puke.

 

The therapist asked me what I would do if I ever passed him on the street.

 

I told her if he stopped and said, "Hi, How are you?" I would keep on walking. I wouldn't even dignify it with a response. Why in the world would he even care now when he couldn't muster an ounce of concern or care the only time I really needed it...the only time I ever expected a shred of decency and human compassion from him.

 

OK, BS, the anger is flowing out of me now. Perhaps not in the way you think it should, but it is what it is.

[Gamine]

You were not only his lover but also his friend. I have a very compassionate nature just like you. Unfortunately some can see this as a way of having their needs met and exploit it without any feeling of accountability to the one helping them.

 

My dad used to say that some people are givers and some people are takers. That's all they do is take and believe they are entitled to it. Folks like this have to have charisma to pull it off otherwise they'd never 'get' what they want.

 

And the genuine people sit back and wonder how on earth this could have happened. That is my life story in a nutshell. Go ahead and be mad. You have every right to be. But at the same time thank God above that you have a heart so filled with hope... that you have a heart so genuine. For to have such a big heart means that you have been blessed beyond measure. See yourself as an example. Your heart so full of love and giving. When you remain open to continue to share this part of yourself you may affect the lives of others in ways so dramatic... and yet be utterly unaware that you have done so. Your hopefulness inspires hope in others. Your giving nature may change someone's life and you'd never even know it.

 

So, this fella may be one of the takers my dad talked about. Don't let that change you. People with big hearts can work absolute wonders just by living and being around for everyone else.

[carhill]

That's a healthy vent, IMO. I've had similar feelings for many years. The conclusion I came to was, and it is a practice I follow to this day, and did just two days ago, is to give to others what I wish to freely and without expectations, so, if they disappear tomorrow, I will be happy with who I am and what I did and the love I showed. Whatever comes back is a life blessing. That said, when I encounter a person or have a relationship where I come to the point that I feel I cannot give of myself freely and without expectation, then I cut that person out of my existence. No anger, no rancor, no resentment. They are merely gone; blended back into the billions of people whom I respect as humans but have no other feelings for or interest in.

 

I find such a philosophy keeps my pop-off valve (vent) seated far longer and more healthily than prior. IMO, it's a different perspective on the same dynamics.

 

BTW, I've been an OM; imagine reversing your dynamic's gender roles and that would've been me.

[me003]

Taylor, I know most BS like to blame the OW/OM, but in reality everyone here is a big boy/girl and make decisions as such. I know sometimes one party might be going to some emotional rollercoaster which might make it easier to an affair.

I like that you are able to admit and not be blinded by that. With that said, I do agree, this man took and took and when you needed it he was not there.

 

Some people are givers and other are takers. Usually takers can spot givers a mile away and befriend them until they have no more use for them.

 

Since I don't know your situation. I an not sure if this person left the affair because he needed to preserve his dignity or if he thought you were going to leave your BS, or what.

 

 

In this forum we are told NC NC NC. That NOTHING should stop the NC because that stops our progress to get out of affairs and prosper.

 

Either way what you are feeling can't be put in black and white. I do hope that you get over and let go of the bad feeling. Once you do move on from this you can get on with your life.

I wish you look and with lack of sleep I hope that his makes sence.

[taylor]

 

On Valentines' Day, the OM gave me a card. He hesitated to do so, saying he was afraid he may have crossed a line. The card said that I had come into his life at exactly the right time. That I changed him in ways he never thought he could change. That I put a smile on his face even tho he didn't want one. That he was grateful to have someone who believed in him when he didn't believe in himself..thankful that I didn't give up on him when everyone else did.

 

I told him the only thing that makes life worth living is reaching out to others..that to give without expectation is fulfillment in itself..that he shouldn't remain self-absorbed to avoid rejection because that is a very lonely world.

 

ANd even with all that said, he still failed to be there for me during two simultaneous crises in my life...the only time I truly reached for him..and was left groping in the dark.

 

You mention "takers." I should have been wiser. My boss approached me the day I gave the OM my car keys to pick up his daughter. He warned me that the OM was a "user." I didn't know him or the OM well but didn't heed the warning. Instead I viewed the boss as cold-hearted. I should have listened to him.

 

Thank you for your beautiful words, Gamine. I'm not going to change who I am because of this OM. I am a giver and that's a quality I don't want to lose. I may just have to be a little more guarded, tho.

 

I need to get rid of this resentment, tho. It's hindering progress. I need to get to the point of indifference regarding the OM. Not there yet. Uggg

[Gamine]

On Valentines' Day, the OM gave me a card. He hesitated to do so, saying he was afraid he may have crossed a line. The card said that I had come into his life at exactly the right time. That I changed him in ways he never thought he could change. That I put a smile on his face even tho he didn't want one. That he was grateful to have someone who believed in him when he didn't believe in himself..thankful that I didn't give up on him when everyone else did.

 

I told him the only thing that makes life worth living is reaching out to others..that to give without expectation is fulfillment in itself..that he shouldn't remain self-absorbed to avoid rejection because that is a very lonely world.

 

ANd even with all that said, he still failed to be there for me during two simultaneous crises in my life...the only time I truly reached for him..and was left groping in the dark.

 

You mention "takers." I should have been wiser. My boss approached me the day I gave the OM my car keys to pick up his daughter. He warned me that the OM was a "user." I didn't know him or the OM well but didn't heed the warning. Instead I viewed the boss as cold-hearted. I should have listened to him.

 

Thank you for your beautiful words, Gamine. I'm not going to change who I am because of this OM. I am a giver and that's a quality I don't want to lose. I may just have to be a little more guarded, tho.

 

I need to get rid of this resentment, tho. It's hindering progress. I need to get to the point of indifference regarding the OM. Not there yet. Uggg

 

 

Taylor, giving up the resentment can take a long time sometimes.

 

I remember a coworker came to me asking for $50 so she could buy Christmas gifts for her daughter. She was divorced recently and was abusing alcohol and her life was a total mess. I gave her the $50 bucks.

 

I never thought anything about it. Big deal, right? At the time she didn't seem especially over the top thankful but I didn't care.

 

Years later, she ran into my father. She had left the job a long time ago. My dad told me that she was now a manager of a retail store and was in training for a regional manager's position. My dad told me that with tearful eyes she explained how my responding to her time of need when no one else even cared made enough of a difference in her life to give her the fuel to stand up and try. She said if I hadn't given her the $50 bucks that day she wouldn't be where she is.

 

She wrote me a letter years following even this encounter thanking me for changing her life through my one act of kindness...

 

I cried. I realized that we never really know the ripple effect of the stuff we do. I always believed that helping someone change their life around had to involve a lot of heaving lifting. Strange how it is that sometimes it is the things we overlook... as being the most significant.

 

My heart swells with happiness whenever I think about that. And, I reaffirm my commitment to myself that it is consistently being pure of heart that can move mountains.

[Spark1111]

Taylor, IMHO....reality set in. Losing your job is a REAL life-altering situation that two people in a committed relationship SHOULD share, WOULD share and address the pain it causes, and enact a plan.

 

If he truly blamed himself, and if up to that point had ONLY seen admiration, validation, and encouragement in your eyes, then perhaps he could not bear to see the pain he believed he caused you.

 

It would have destroyed his newly found self-image to see anger and pain from you. That would have been too real in any relationship.

 

But it wasn't. It was a fantasy. Both for him and for you.

 

Yes, you and he gave each other a lot: attention, validation, confidence. But maybe it had less to do with HIM taking, and more to do with HIM avoiding CONFLICT at any cost.

 

Maybe it was good, no great for him until a real problem reared its ugly head. He ran away in fear you may express being upset regarding his promotion resulting in your job loss.

 

Think about that. As long as you were his perfect, unkind, uncomplaining never upset with him soulmate, the relationship was "perfect."

 

Consider yourself lucky. Can you still imagine a future with a person who at the first sign of upheaval runs away with not even a backwards glance? Disasterous! All lives and relationships encounter problems that need resolution. NO relationship is perfect.

 

Unless one of the partners need it to be, and that is not realistic at all.

 

Do not change who you are, a kind and caring giver, for anyone. And it is also realistic to have expectations of what you need, and to have those needs met by a loving partner, IMHO.

[taylor]

The OM was absent from work the day I lost my job. That night his best friend called. He told me the OM felt bad and blamed himself. I told the best friend to tell him I took responsibility for losing my job and did not blame him. I didn't want him to feel any regret. And I'm a big girl. Neither one of us saw it coming..Him possibly getting fired, but not me. It came as a shock to both of us.

 

This was the order, within a 2 week period:

 

 

OM expressed feelings and told me he wanted a relationship with me.

Lost job

D-day for me/husband

Told OM husband knew

OM tells me he doesn't want it to be goodbye

I tell him I don't know what else it can be.

He says he will call but doesn't

I call and tell him my dad is terminal

He says he will call. He doesn't

He disappears/silent exit

 

I think the knowledge that my husband knew made him run for the hills.

 

There was never any talk of me leaving my husband. I never told him I loved him. But he knew I didn't want our connection to end and he told me the same. Then disappeared.

 

Too many emotional crises happening at one time. One text from him with a couple words of compassion would have meant the world to me before NC. But he didn't have it in him.

 

It's going to take a long time to handle this resentment. You are right.

[boogieboy]

Well now you know Taylor. If theres anymore OM in your life, as you can see, they wont commit if you wont. SO you can keep giving, but dont expect anything in return. I really dont know how much of a "freind" he really was to you when those whole business was happening. Maybe he really did get scared off by your husband. But you just have to be generous for the sake of generosity. If you dont expect anything in return, from a non-committed relationship-you dont have to be resentful and dissappointed. No one who is into you like that should just dissappear, so I question his idea of how he felt about you.

[foreal]

Taylor

 

Is it possible your OM IS being 'giving' to you by remaining NC?

 

Is it possible you Do mean more to him, yet he knows having ANY contact with you is not good for YOU? That this is a great gift he is presenting?

 

Maybe thinking of it this way, you will not be so resentful? (or feel so used)

 

Then again, he could be just a first class Ahole and user...in which case, your resentment should be exchanged for relief that you got away from him when you did-

[bentnotbroken]

Taylor, where was your H during this crisis time?

[Molley]

Hi Taylor, I have another perspective… I know you loved this OM, but to me, after reading your post, the things you did for him, the way you took care of him, the affection you lavished on him.... From the little information that I have, seems like he used you, used your kindness, generosity… and then on top of it all he used your love. You mentioned that you and your husband were not in a good marriage at the time, this OM knew that and used your loneliness and the fact that you weren’t getting your needs met by your husband to his advantage. I think this guy’s a player, he roped you in because he needed you. And yes, you responded to his affection because you needed him and you fell for him, you were a willing participant. This EA became a total fantasy for your both… But, if this OM had any shred of decency, he would have not allowed himself to become involved with a married woman. He has free will and could have made a different choice.

 

I think for him, it was the chase, the high he got from seeing you, having you fall for him, you made him feel alive and he enjoyed the power of having you respond to him, the fact that you took care of him. I don't think he did want more than an EA... a PA would have been too messy for this guy, besides he was getting what he wanted and needed from the EA. However, once you were gone, away from work, away from him, it’s like he no longer needed you to play with him, he wanted this EA contained within the work area, because that’s where it was fun for him. So, he moved on… you were out of site out of mind. I wonder, is he doing the same thing with someone else now? This guy sounds awful, a total player and user… be glad and thankful that he is out of your life. As it was, you paid a huge price while he got away with everything. And until now you haven’t blamed him for his part in this? You’ve beat yourself up enough over your part in this EA, yes, you fell for a total user... I think it’s high time you get good and pissed about the OM’s part and finally move passed this excuse for a man. And start living your life, be happy, enjoy your life.

 

From a professional HR stand point, I’m amazed that your company got away with firing you… what was the cause they provided? I don’t understand how the company justified terminating you; seems like there’s just not enough to go on for termination. AND if they fired you (say they did have just cause,) how could they justify NOT firing the OM, since you were both equally to blame…. I believe you could easily file against your company for discrimination and unfair termination. The way your company handled this is completely inappropriate. Of course… I’m in CA, where employment law leans toward the employee, not sure what state you live in.

[jj33]

Taylor you have EVERY right to vent. We all strive to heal ourselves and let go of resentments. But it seems to me that you have good reason to be resentful. He let you down.

 

this was not about just sex, it was about being close and intimate all the things that you did for him you did as a lover but first and foremost as a friend.

 

Every single time something was wrong in your life (and these were big things) he was absent.

 

Its probably water under the bridge but as Molley said you may also have a sex discrimination suit - HE couldnt do his job because he was distracted with you? HOW in the world did management know that? Did he tell them that? How did you become the fall guy for him losing his job? It would be hugely messy and the underlying facts would come out but if you are still within the time frame it would be worth talking to a lawyer. settlements are generally confidential. Being a big girl doesnt mean losing your job for some guy who cant even step up to the plate. I hate to say it but it sounds like he dropped you in it to save his own butt (unless the A was a public thing) even so why was it "because of you" unless thats what he told them.

 

Youve been through quite a lot between OM your job and your family. I hope things get easier for you.

 

He sounds like a very weak man. You are clearly very caring and mature and I am sure he has some redeeming qualities but he hasnt shown them in the way he has dealt with you. You deserve so much better. I hope you are finding more happiness in your marriage and that you find peace in your fealings with OM.

[Liquid9898]

 

I need to get rid of this resentment, tho. It's hindering progress. I need to get to the point of indifference regarding the OM. Not there yet. Uggg

 

 

If he had showed you a little compassion or a little attention, you probably would have easily slept with him, wouldn't ya?

[Spark1111]

taylor, IMHO, you take TOO Much responsibility for everyone else's feelings, shortcomings and crappy treatment of you.

 

get good and angry and make it stop.

 

what does Taylor need? what does Taylor want? What will make Taylor happy? How does Taylor DESERVE to be treated?

 

I think YOU NEED to get angry. Then you will make positive changes in your life for you!

[taylor]

Well now you know Taylor. If theres anymore OM in your life, as you can see, they wont commit if you wont. SO you can keep giving, but dont expect anything in return. I really dont know how much of a "freind" he really was to you when those whole business was happening. Maybe he really did get scared off by your husband. But you just have to be generous for the sake of generosity. If you dont expect anything in return, from a non-committed relationship-you dont have to be resentful and dissappointed. No one who is into you like that should just dissappear, so I question his idea of how he felt about you.

 

Believe me, boogieboy, there won't be any more OM in my life.

 

I wasn't looking for a commitment. The relationship hadn't evolved anywhere near that far. We both admitted we had feelings and wanted to spend more time together. He said he wanted to take the relationship outside of work but I don't think he was totally convinced. And I was most definitely sitting on the fence about it..even tho a huge part of me wanted to. I knew that would be a huge leap in the relationship and he did, too.

 

I don't expect anything in return when I give of myself. In fact, it is so much more rewarding most of the time to give just for the sake of giving.

 

But I had been there for the OM thru many of the tiny crises in his life. Above all, he knew he could count on me..lean on me. His life was full of drama and he didn't hesitate to share all of it with me. I knew this man was on a healing journey in many ways...recovering from being abandoned by his first wife..a nasty divorce...adjusting to being a full-time father of young children...living alone..dealing with foreclosure and bankruptcy..dealing with a boss who reminded him every day he should be thankful for his scummy, minimum wage job.

 

I never expected anything from the OM...just seeing the change in him over the year I knew him was enough for me. It gave me great satisfaction. It was fulfilling.

 

But when I lost my job, lost my father, and lost the OM all at the same time, it was emotionally overwhelming. I was on anti-anxiety medication for 2 mos. and anti-depressants for 7 months to cope. It's been quite the healing journey this past year...not just healing from the marriage, but healing from all these other traumatic changes in my life.

 

The OM had to have known the devastation these changes were bringing to my life. He had to have known he COULD have done something to alleviate some of the pain I was going thru.

 

The one time he had an opportunity to do something for me, rather than the other way around, he threw it away. He turned his back. He totally shut me out. He acted as if I didn't even exist.

 

And, you are right, I did question for a long time how much I meant to this OM. No one behaves the way he did toward someone they truly care about when that person is going thru the emotional crises I was. Obviously he didn't care for me nearly as much as I cared for him. It's taken me a year to come to terms with this.

 

It told me alot about who he was. It was a great disappointment...not because I had done so much for him...but because I believed he was a better human being than that.

[taylor]

In this forum we are told NC NC NC. That NOTHING should stop the NC because that stops our progress to get out of affairs and prosper.

 

And I am a firm believer of NC. I know I couldn't have broken the "addiction"...severed the connection...without it.

 

I just wish the OM would have taken the time to tell me he was sorry...sorry I lost my job...sorry I lost my dad....sorry we had to say goodbye.

 

Instead, the message he delivered with his silence was this:

 

I don't care about you. Never did. I was only in it to use you. Your husband knows..I'm outta here.

 

He made me feel like trash..like I wasn't worth his care or concern.

 

One of our coworkers, who watched the EA unfold, asked the OM a week after I got fired, "Did you call Taylor?" He answered, "I don't have time. My daughter's been sick."

 

My only thought upon hearing this...3 weeks ago you tell me spending time with me is the happiest thing in your life...you want a relationship with me..want to take it outside the workplace..AND NOW you don't have time to pick up a phone and call when I need you the most.

 

It would have gone a long way to help my healing journey if I hadn't had to deal with the trashy feeling his silent exit gave me.

 

How much more healing it would have been had he just picked up the phone, told me he was sorry for all that happened, told me he cared, and then said a FIRM GOODBYE.

 

Yes, I believe in NC, but I think there are right and wrong ways to implement it.

[tami-chan]

Taylor, why do you feel you do not have the right to vent? Stop the self-loathing. It is not healthy. You are a wonderful, thoughtful woman-ok so somewhere along the way there was a glitch...but you fixed it, you owned it and you are a better person for it. Your xOM is also on NC and he is respecting that at all cost for everybody's sake. Stop asking about him, stop listenng stories about him. ...not yet, anyway....

[taylor]

Taylor, giving up the resentment can take a long time sometimes.

 

I remember a coworker came to me asking for $50 so she could buy Christmas gifts for her daughter. She was divorced recently and was abusing alcohol and her life was a total mess. I gave her the $50 bucks.

 

I never thought anything about it. Big deal, right? At the time she didn't seem especially over the top thankful but I didn't care.

 

Years later, she ran into my father. She had left the job a long time ago. My dad told me that she was now a manager of a retail store and was in training for a regional manager's position. My dad told me that with tearful eyes she explained how my responding to her time of need when no one else even cared made enough of a difference in her life to give her the fuel to stand up and try. She said if I hadn't given her the $50 bucks that day she wouldn't be where she is.

 

She wrote me a letter years following even this encounter thanking me for changing her life through my one act of kindness...

 

I cried. I realized that we never really know the ripple effect of the stuff we do. I always believed that helping someone change their life around had to involve a lot of heaving lifting. Strange how it is that sometimes it is the things we overlook... as being the most significant.

 

My heart swells with happiness whenever I think about that. And, I reaffirm my commitment to myself that it is consistently being pure of heart that can move mountains.

 

Thank you for sharing this story, Gamine.

 

I can tell you and I think very much alike.

 

I am a firm believer that we should all use the gifts we are blessed with to help others...the gifts of time, talent, and treasure.

 

There have been some dire periods in my life when virtual strangers, for no reason whatsoever, reach out and took my hand, and helped me get thru something I knew I couldn't handle on my own.

 

I do believe there are many angels among us...people willing to put themselves out there...no matter the inconvenience..no matter the sacrifice..for the sole purpose of helping another in need..another in pain.

 

I was a caregiver for my mother for several years (dementia). I was amazed at the number of people who gave of themselves expecting nothing in return but to have the "privelege" of helping another (their words).

 

One day I asked one of these "angels" why they did what they did, knowing they would be getting nothing in return. She said, "Oh, but I do get something in return. More than you know."

 

The "angels" taught me alot about the rewards of unconditional giving...as did my mother.

[Mino]

You were not only his lover but also his friend. I have a very compassionate nature just like you. Unfortunately some can see this as a way of having their needs met and exploit it without any feeling of accountability to the one helping them.

 

My dad used to say that some people are givers and some people are takers. That's all they do is take and believe they are entitled to it. Folks like this have to have charisma to pull it off otherwise they'd never 'get' what they want.

 

And the genuine people sit back and wonder how on earth this could have happened. That is my life story in a nutshell. Go ahead and be mad. You have every right to be. But at the same time thank God above that you have a heart so filled with hope... that you have a heart so genuine. For to have such a big heart means that you have been blessed beyond measure. See yourself as an example. Your heart so full of love and giving. When you remain open to continue to share this part of yourself you may affect the lives of others in ways so dramatic... and yet be utterly unaware that you have done so. Your hopefulness inspires hope in others. Your giving nature may change someone's life and you'd never even know it.

 

So, this fella may be one of the takers my dad talked about. Don't let that change you. People with big hearts can work absolute wonders just by living and being around for everyone else.

very nice post Gamine;)

[taylor]

Taylor, IMHO....reality set in. Losing your job is a REAL life-altering situation that two people in a committed relationship SHOULD share, WOULD share and address the pain it causes, and enact a plan.

 

If he truly blamed himself, and if up to that point had ONLY seen admiration, validation, and encouragement in your eyes, then perhaps he could not bear to see the pain he believed he caused you.

 

It would have destroyed his newly found self-image to see anger and pain from you. That would have been too real in any relationship.

 

But it wasn't. It was a fantasy. Both for him and for you.

 

Yes, you and he gave each other a lot: attention, validation, confidence. But maybe it had less to do with HIM taking, and more to do with HIM avoiding CONFLICT at any cost.

 

Maybe it was good, no great for him until a real problem reared its ugly head. He ran away in fear you may express being upset regarding his promotion resulting in your job loss.

 

Think about that. As long as you were his perfect, unkind, uncomplaining never upset with him soulmate, the relationship was "perfect."

 

Consider yourself lucky. Can you still imagine a future with a person who at the first sign of upheaval runs away with not even a backwards glance? Disasterous! All lives and relationships encounter problems that need resolution. NO relationship is perfect.

 

Unless one of the partners need it to be, and that is not realistic at all.

 

Do not change who you are, a kind and caring giver, for anyone. And it is also realistic to have expectations of what you need, and to have those needs met by a loving partner, IMHO.

 

You are right Spark...me getting fired IS what broke the affair fantasy bubble. No doubt about that.

 

That one event unleashed a huge mass of confusion for me..and I am sure, for the OM as well. It changed everything.

 

It was like floating along on a lazy river one minute and then the next getting smacked with a Class VI rapid..upheaval, turmoil..not knowing which end was up..not knowing which direction the relentless waves are going to take you..not knowing where you are going to end up..or if you are going to get through at all.

 

I know he blamed himself for me losing my job. He told his friend. But never bothered to call to tell me how he felt or to find out how I was doing. I interpreted his silence as apathy..an apathy that was confusing to me as it was not what I would have expected from him...not towards me, anyway.

 

I also know he was very concerned about losing his own job..after I lost mine. He was concerned as to whether he was next..but he wasn't. He retained his job.

 

My therapist said he should have gone to HR to fight to get my job back. I told her he never would have done that..he was too afraid of losing his own job.

 

Perhaps I am wrong to interpret his silence as apathy, but I have no other info to go on since he went silent.

 

I tried to excuse the silence for a long time for this reason or that reason..and of course, NC was the BEST reason. I just wish he would have let me know he CARED that I lost my job and my dad (if he did) BEFORE he went NC. The healing process would have been so much easier.

 

Instead, his apathetic response to the crises in my life made me feel utterly worthless in his eyes. How he reacted to these two losses in my life bothered me more than ending the affair. It shattered my self-esteem. It took me a long time to pick the pieces of my self-esteem up out of the trash and put them back together again.

[bentnotbroken]

Believe me, boogieboy, there won't be any more OM in my life.

 

I wasn't looking for a commitment. The relationship hadn't evolved anywhere near that far. We both admitted we had feelings and wanted to spend more time together. He said he wanted to take the relationship outside of work but I don't think he was totally convinced. And I was most definitely sitting on the fence about it..even tho a huge part of me wanted to. I knew that would be a huge leap in the relationship and he did, too.

 

I don't expect anything in return when I give of myself. In fact, it is so much more rewarding most of the time to give just for the sake of giving.

 

But I had been there for the OM thru many of the tiny crises in his life. Above all, he knew he could count on me..lean on me. His life was full of drama and he didn't hesitate to share all of it with me. I knew this man was on a healing journey in many ways...recovering from being abandoned by his first wife..a nasty divorce...adjusting to being a full-time father of young children...living alone..dealing with foreclosure and bankruptcy..dealing with a boss who reminded him every day he should be thankful for his scummy, minimum wage job.

 

I never expected anything from the OM...just seeing the change in him over the year I knew him was enough for me. It gave me great satisfaction. It was fulfilling.

 

But when I lost my job, lost my father, and lost the OM all at the same time, it was emotionally overwhelming. I was on anti-anxiety medication for 2 mos. and anti-depressants for 7 months to cope. It's been quite the healing journey this past year...not just healing from the marriage, but healing from all these other traumatic changes in my life.

 

The OM had to have known the devastation these changes were bringing to my life. He had to have known he COULD have done something to alleviate some of the pain I was going thru.

 

The one time he had an opportunity to do something for me, rather than the other way around, he threw it away. He turned his back. He totally shut me out. He acted as if I didn't even exist.

 

And, you are right, I did question for a long time how much I meant to this OM. No one behaves the way he did toward someone they truly care about when that person is going thru the emotional crises I was. Obviously he didn't care for me nearly as much as I cared for him. It's taken me a year to come to terms with this.

 

It told me alot about who he was. It was a great disappointment...not because I had done so much for him...but because I believed he was a better human being than that.

 

 

He didn't have a giving spirit. He was a taker. Everyone wasn't blessed with this gift. He takes a special person, a strong person, a person with a heart big enough to give pieces of it away to whomever needs it. The problem is, unless their is someone there to help heal and replace the missing parts. It seems you didn't have that. I didn't have that. Until I realized that no person could do it. It could only happen by the way you got that big heart in the first place, God.

[taylor]

Taylor

 

Is it possible your OM IS being 'giving' to you by remaining NC?

 

Is it possible you Do mean more to him, yet he knows having ANY contact with you is not good for YOU? That this is a great gift he is presenting?

 

Yes, foreal, I have thought about this alot. And I am glad he and I are both maintaining NC, for both of our sakes.

 

But, like I said, I think there is a right way and a wrong way to implement NC..the right way being in a way that causes the least amount of hurt..or additional hurt.

 

Of course it would have hurt..and did hurt...to say goodbye and end the affair.

 

But it hurt 100 times more when he went NC with a silent exit, leaving me to figure out what was going on in the midst of a mass of confusion and with other crises going on in my life.

 

And it cut deep that he couldn't even take 30 seconds to tell me he was sorry about the loss of the job and the loss of my father BEFORE he went NC. It would have made all the difference in my healing.

 

he could be just a first class Ahole and user...in which case, your resentment should be exchanged for relief that you got away from him when you did-

 

Believe me, this thought ALSO crossed my mind many times. Again, I don't have enough info to know for sure. I always thought I was a pretty good judge of character, but I just don't know. Emotions may have totally clouded that judgement.

 

But I would be rich if I had a dollar for every time I said to myself, "How could I have been that wrong about him all that time?"

 

So, he's either someone who cared about me and got scared, confused and uncomfortable and decided to back away when the reality hit him in the face

 

OR

 

He's a first class A-hole who used me and when I lost my job the fun was over..time to move on to the next good-time girl.

 

I thought time would offer greater clarity and my gut would tell me what it was. But, even after a year..I remain clueless.

 

I'm a firm believer that action speaks louder than words. I just don't know what the motivation was behind his actions...honorable (NC to respect the marriage/do the right thing) or dishonorable (silent exit as he ran scared/or no more use for me..out of sight, out of mind).

 

For some stupid reason, if makes a difference.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't understand the point of this self pitty post.

 

How is your husband doing? What are you doing to him now to make up your almost sleeping with someone else?

 

 

If you have read all her posts, you would know that her H forgave her, wants her and is with her. Her "pity party" as you put it, is her not being able to accept what her H is offering her without her beating herself up. When God forgives and the person wronged forgives, it is done.

[bentnotbroken]

Taylor, I asked where your H was in all the turmoil and what his actions were to help you cope.