MW: no right to vent but venting anyway

[taylor]

If he had showed you a little compassion or a little attention, you probably would have easily slept with him, wouldn't ya?

 

If I kept the sex at bay when the OM was standing so close to me I could feel his warm breath on my neck as he told me he wanted me so bad it hurt..

 

I think I could have kept the sex at bay if he called me on the phone and told me he was sorry I lost my job/lost my dad.

 

And, yes, I guess this is a self-proclaimed pity party. I don't do it very often. But I have kept these feelings of resentment bottled up for a long time. Another thread about assigning blame to the OW/OM helped to bring these feelings to the surface and I am releasing them in an attempt to get rid of them.

 

For a long time I felt I had no right to resent the OM and no right to vent about the hurt he caused me. After all, we were causing far greater hurt to my husband. And I do believe I may have hurt the OM in some ways as well (just assuming). And I kept reminding myself, "When you play with fire, you get burned." I felt I deserved the "burns", felt I deserved the pain, and had no right to complain about it. That is why I prefaced this thread with, "no right to vent."

 

I still have hurt feelings and resentment towards the OM with respect to his silent exit and I know I need to let go of it to get to the point of indifference with regard to this so that I can move on. I don't want to hold on to this resentment any longer. It's been festering for a year now. It's the last "tie" I have to this man. hI need to let go of the feelings so I can finally let go of him. Not sure if this is making any sense.

 

I let this OM define me...define my self-worth. He built it up for 12 months and tore it down in a matter of a couple weeks. I've been trying to get it back for over a year now.

 

I don't know why I let this person have so much power. I guess when you are weak, you let others take control. And I was weak, the weakest I had ever been in my life.

 

I recall one time the OM being extremely down, feeling like a POS. The boss had once again belittled him, swore at him, patronized him in front of other coworkers. I left a little note on his car windshield at the end of the day saying, "Let the people who love you the most define your self-worth..not those most interested in what you can do for their bottom line. Now go home and hug your family." He told me the next day that I had made his day.

 

I should have listened to my own advice.

[bentnotbroken]

Taylor, how are you this morning?

[Owl]

Taylor, you appear angry that OM went NC, "cold-turkey".

 

You seem to believe that things would still have gone the way that they did...that your marriage could/would have recovered the way that it did, even had he given you a "closure call".

 

But having been on here for a while now, can you not see how RISKY it would have been had he done so? Can you not see how easily this could/would have set the stage for the affair to resume/continue?

 

This seem non-sequiter to me...

 

NC is a requirement for recovery...but you resent the fact that you got NC, basically.

 

You can't have it both ways. You can't appreciate the fact that your marriage was able to recover (which required that cold, hard NC) and also be angry at him for giving you exactly what you needed to make this happen.

 

I'd get being angry at him for using you. I'd get being angry with him over the damage this caused your marriage. I'd even get being angry with him over the whole job situation.

 

But you're angry with him for doing exactly what he needed to do in order to give your marriage a chance.

 

Had he NOT gone full blown NC...the odds are HUGE that things would have turned out much differently in your life...so I don't get why you're angry of THIS?

[taylor]

Hi Taylor, I have another perspective… I know you loved this OM, but to me, after reading your post, the things you did for him, the way you took care of him, the affection you lavished on him.... From the little information that I have, seems like he used you, used your kindness, generosity… and then on top of it all he used your love. You mentioned that you and your husband were not in a good marriage at the time, this OM knew that and used your loneliness and the fact that you weren’t getting your needs met by your husband to his advantage. I think this guy’s a player, he roped you in because he needed you. And yes, you responded to his affection because you needed him and you fell for him, you were a willing participant. This EA became a total fantasy for your both… But, if this OM had any shred of decency, he would have not allowed himself to become involved with a married woman. He has free will and could have made a different choice.

 

I think for him, it was the chase, the high he got from seeing you, having you fall for him, you made him feel alive and he enjoyed the power of having you respond to him, the fact that you took care of him. I don't think he did want more than an EA... a PA would have been too messy for this guy, besides he was getting what he wanted and needed from the EA. However, once you were gone, away from work, away from him, it’s like he no longer needed you to play with him, he wanted this EA contained within the work area, because that’s where it was fun for him. So, he moved on… you were out of site out of mind. I wonder, is he doing the same thing with someone else now? This guy sounds awful, a total player and user… be glad and thankful that he is out of your life. As it was, you paid a huge price while he got away with everything. And until now you haven’t blamed him for his part in this? You’ve beat yourself up enough over your part in this EA, yes, you fell for a total user... I think it’s high time you get good and pissed about the OM’s part and finally move passed this excuse for a man. And start living your life, be happy, enjoy your life.

 

 

Molley, thank you so much for this post. I do think you are right on target as to what the reality was in my affair. My husband summed the affair up in very similar words.

 

It's been very difficult for me to "see" it, just like I think it is for anyone who's too close to a relationship to "see" it for what it is. I appreciate the objective view you provide because I know it provides greater clarity than any scenario my "clouded" vision can provide.

 

It is just so darn hard to ACCEPT this reality because when I try to face it that's all I do is get more angry at myself for being weak and stupid. I believed in this man..in his goodness...and then that belief and trust was shattered. In some ways..I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like I was betrayed in some way by him. (BS laughing and shaking heads right now)

 

Again, I know I have no right to feel this way..especially coming on this forum, surrounded by BS who have been betrayed in the WORST way. Knowing that any pain and hurt I have endured because of this affair IS OF MY OWN DOING, unlike innocent BS whose pain has been inflicted by their own spouses. And knowing that while I feel a sense of betrayal by the OM, it is nowhere near proportional to the betrayal to my husband.

 

There is a part of me right now that wants to lash out at this OM for playing with my heart. But I stop short because I know I LET him do it when I had no business letting him get that close. And I also think, I used him as well, to get emotional needs met. We used each other. But in the end, I think I got hurt worse because I let my heart get so much more involved than he did. And again, I get angry at myself for being so stupid.

 

Much of the self-loathing I feel is related to all of this...as well as the knowledge that my "stupidity" hurt my husband beyond measure.

[bentnotbroken]

Taylor, read this. You aren't alone

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t198876/

[silktricks]

 

But as a PERSON..as a FRIEND (we did have a friendship) I felt I deserved better.

 

I put a smile on this man's face when he was down and out.

 

I gave him the confidence to believe in himself again.

 

I gave him strength every day to cope with his many troubles...both on the homefront and at work.

 

I was there for him to dry tears he shed, to settle his nerves, to pick him up when others knocked him down, to calm his fears and frustrations.

 

I handed him the keys to my car when his broke down and he needed to pick his sick daughter up from daycare.

 

I gave him $200 for tires so that he would be safe driving his kids on the highway.

 

I bought his lunches when he didn't have 2 cents to buy a burger off the dollar menu at McDonalds.

 

I bought his children gifts for birthday and Christmas because he couldn't afford to buy them squat.

 

I listened to him talk non-stop about his troubles with the bosses, troubles with his ex-wife, troubles with his brothers and other family members.

 

I gave him child care advice when he was scratching his head about what to do with the kids.

 

I helped him find daycare. I helped him sign up for vocational classes to boost his earning power.

 

I gave him guidance and strength to fight the legal battle for custody of his children.

 

I helped him reclaim his manhood that his ex-wife stole from him.

 

And I made him laugh, see the world in a brighter light..and put a bounce in his step.

 

I gave him hope that the future was a place where his dreams could come true.

 

I WAS THERE FOR HIM.

 

 

He told me he didn't want to lose me.

 

But the second I lost my job, it seems, he was gone.

 

I'm so sorry, but to me it sounds to me like he used you, and when you were no longer of use to him he dropped you.

[taylor]

From a professional HR stand point, I’m amazed that your company got away with firing you… what was the cause they provided? I don’t understand how the company justified terminating you; seems like there’s just not enough to go on for termination. AND if they fired you (say they did have just cause,) how could they justify NOT firing the OM, since you were both equally to blame…. I believe you could easily file against your company for discrimination and unfair termination. The way your company handled this is completely inappropriate. Of course… I’m in CA, where employment law leans toward the employee, not sure what state you live in.

 

I hesitate to go into details about the job loss on this public forum.

 

I never contemplated a law suit. Suing people is not my thing. I just want peace.

 

But I will say this:

 

Six weeks prior to the job termination the boss called the OM and I into the office..told us were were her (yes, female boss) superstars and that she was counting on us to lead the rest of the staff. She was worried about the impending recession and we were all aware we all needed to step up to the plate to keep the tiny company afloat.

 

The OM was the head of his department. I was the head of mine. He was production with a half dozen temp employees under him. I was support with 2 regular employees under me.

 

We told her we would not let her down.

 

Prior to this meeting the OM had been called in the office at least two times for being in my dept. too often and too long. After the meeting, he was called in the office at least another 4 times...once for 2.5 hours.

 

He always came out of those reprimand meetings fit to be tied and proclaiming he was on the verge of losing his job. He told me each time the boss complained about him being in my dept. and that he had no business being in there. He said she told him to take his breaks and lunches alone...that he shouldn't be fratenizing with regular employees since he was a supervisor. He said he told the boss he could take his break and lunch with anyone he darn well pleases.

 

I always tried to calm him down afterwards but I never told him to stay out of my dept. (I should have). I didn't feel it was my job to do.

 

I never asked him if he ever mentioned me in those meetings. And I never asked if the boss ever mentioned me in those meetings. I thought those meetings were between him and the boss. I was steering clear of it.

 

On two occassions the boss expressed frustration to me about the OM not meeting production goals. I told her I was sorry "we" didn't make production because our depts. did work in tandem. She told me, "It's not you, Taylor. It's him."

 

So, you can see why he and I were both concerned about him losing his job. It never crossed my mind that I would be the one let go.

 

The day I got let go was a day the OM happened to be absent.

 

She called me in the office (FIRST TIME EVER) and told me it was my fault we didn't make production on two orders. I told her it was not my fault...that the orders didn't go out on time because new temps were working on them, were slow at the job, and weren't responding well to training. She knew darn well the orders didn't get filled because the OM was too busy with me to watch over these temps, train them, and keep them on task.

 

I didn't bring up his name. I wasn't going to throw him under the bus. I thought about his two kids and how important it was that he did not lose his job. She accused me of "protecting him" because I did not get after him about getting the orders done...because I did not come to her and tell her he was not doing his job. It was not my job to do that. I was his support, not his boss.

 

I didn't understand what was happening. I had never had a verbal or written warning. I hadn't missed ONE day of work. I had never been called into the office. And just 2 weeks before I got fired, a rep from our most important client, visited our shop and said he wished he could move my dept. to his company because it was THAT good. I had excellent performance reviews and maxed the pay increases every time.

 

So, I didn't understand what was happening. I didn't understand the about-face and I didn't see it coming.

 

At one point in the conversation I said, "****, what's really going on here. Please talk to me. This doesn't make sense." She said, "Drop it. I've said all I am going to say. I'm not going to let you or anyone else drive me crazy around here."

 

As I packed up my things, I shook her hand and told her I appreciated the opportunity to work there and I left with tears streaming down my face. She told me she would send my last paycheck thru the mail. I told her I didn't want it if she didn't feel I earned it. Her last statement to me was this: You earned every penny of it.

 

As I walked out the door my only thought was that I had lost my job and the OM at the same time.

 

I don't blame the boss for what she did. The OM was her TOP production man. He was in charge of overseeing all the inexperienced temps under him. HE was the reason we acquired the big client account that we had..the account that was going to "see" us thru the recession. When the OM started changing his work habits..his focus..his performance..she knew she had to do something to get him back on course. The survival of the company depended on it. It would be very difficult to replace and train someone in his position during such a difficult economic time.

 

I see all that now. I didn't see it then.

 

The only satisfaction I take now is in knowing she went thru 7 people in the past year trying to find someone to replace me. That was good enough for me.

[bentnotbroken]

Sounds like OM sold you out to save his own sorry carcass. It is good all that this is coming out of your system. When you release it, you heal.

[PhoenixRise]

Taylor

 

 

The more you post about this OM the more I am convinced you have every right to be venting.

 

 

He used you. He used your giving nature and your care for him. THEN He sold you down the river to save his own sorry a$$.

 

He didn't contact you because he knows he unjustly caused you to lose your job.

[NOTSURE7]

he used you to satisfy himself, its plain and simple, you know i am a wh and i have no problem admitting my faults..

 

when times were good he was this amazing om for you but when the going got tough he headed right for the hills,he didnt want the bad times taylor, he just wanted the good times..plain and simple..

 

personally i wouldnt waste your time on the resentment issue and work on forgetting about him once and for all..

[Gamine]

I hesitate to go into details about the job loss on this public forum.

 

I never contemplated a law suit. Suing people is not my thing. I just want peace.

 

But I will say this:

 

Six weeks prior to the job termination the boss called the OM and I into the office..told us were were her (yes, female boss) superstars and that she was counting on us to lead the rest of the staff. She was worried about the impending recession and we were all aware we all needed to step up to the plate to keep the tiny company afloat.

 

The OM was the head of his department. I was the head of mine. He was production with a half dozen temp employees under him. I was support with 2 regular employees under me.

 

We told her we would not let her down.

 

Prior to this meeting the OM had been called in the office at least two times for being in my dept. too often and too long. After the meeting, he was called in the office at least another 4 times...once for 2.5 hours.

 

He always came out of those reprimand meetings fit to be tied and proclaiming he was on the verge of losing his job. He told me each time the boss complained about him being in my dept. and that he had no business being in there. He said she told him to take his breaks and lunches alone...that he shouldn't be fratenizing with regular employees since he was a supervisor. He said he told the boss he could take his break and lunch with anyone he darn well pleases.

 

I always tried to calm him down afterwards but I never told him to stay out of my dept. (I should have). I didn't feel it was my job to do.

 

I never asked him if he ever mentioned me in those meetings. And I never asked if the boss ever mentioned me in those meetings. I thought those meetings were between him and the boss. I was steering clear of it.

 

On two occassions the boss expressed frustration to me about the OM not meeting production goals. I told her I was sorry "we" didn't make production because our depts. did work in tandem. She told me, "It's not you, Taylor. It's him."

 

So, you can see why he and I were both concerned about him losing his job. It never crossed my mind that I would be the one let go.

 

The day I got let go was a day the OM happened to be absent.

 

She called me in the office (FIRST TIME EVER) and told me it was my fault we didn't make production on two orders. I told her it was not my fault...that the orders didn't go out on time because new temps were working on them, were slow at the job, and weren't responding well to training. She knew darn well the orders didn't get filled because the OM was too busy with me to watch over these temps, train them, and keep them on task.

 

I didn't bring up his name. I wasn't going to throw him under the bus. I thought about his two kids and how important it was that he did not lose his job. She accused me of "protecting him" because I did not get after him about getting the orders done...because I did not come to her and tell her he was not doing his job. It was not my job to do that. I was his support, not his boss.

 

I didn't understand what was happening. I had never had a verbal or written warning. I hadn't missed ONE day of work. I had never been called into the office. And just 2 weeks before I got fired, a rep from our most important client, visited our shop and said he wished he could move my dept. to his company because it was THAT good. I had excellent performance reviews and maxed the pay increases every time.

 

So, I didn't understand what was happening. I didn't understand the about-face and I didn't see it coming.

 

At one point in the conversation I said, "****, what's really going on here. Please talk to me. This doesn't make sense." She said, "Drop it. I've said all I am going to say. I'm not going to let you or anyone else drive me crazy around here."

 

As I packed up my things, I shook her hand and told her I appreciated the opportunity to work there and I left with tears streaming down my face. She told me she would send my last paycheck thru the mail. I told her I didn't want it if she didn't feel I earned it. Her last statement to me was this: You earned every penny of it.

 

As I walked out the door my only thought was that I had lost my job and the OM at the same time.

 

I don't blame the boss for what she did. The OM was her TOP production man. He was in charge of overseeing all the inexperienced temps under him. HE was the reason we acquired the big client account that we had..the account that was going to "see" us thru the recession. When the OM started changing his work habits..his focus..his performance..she knew she had to do something to get him back on course. The survival of the company depended on it. It would be very difficult to replace and train someone in his position during such a difficult economic time.

 

I see all that now. I didn't see it then.

 

The only satisfaction I take now is in knowing she went thru 7 people in the past year trying to find someone to replace me. That was good enough for me.

 

Some major big time cyber hugs from me to you. From reading your post it seems your boss may have known about the affair and that you, not him, were fired for it. It just makes me feel sad.

 

You have lost a lot in a short period of time haven't you? I've had times like that in my life too. I always try to tell myself that when all doors close to an old life it leaves all doors open for a new life. And, this presents a gigantic opportunity to reinvent yourself.

 

You have a blank canvas upon which you can paint a masterpiece.

[PhoenixRise]

AND Taylor

 

 

It seem to me that you took his silence as a negative judegment of your character by him. I think you are/were projecting your own feelings of guilt and your own lack of self worth onto FOM. On the filp side, it is for these same reasons you are having a hard time accepting the forgiveness of your husband.

 

Your FOM doesn't seem like a good and noble man who was struggleing and just needed help. He seems to me like an unscrupulous man who threw you to the wolves to save his own hide. I doubt he is any any way "deep" enough to pass any kind of judgement on you.

 

I respect the way you have stepped up and taken responsibility for your actions, but don't carry this WS stigma around for too long. It will hurt you and it will eventually hurt your marriage.

 

I made a decision some time ago that I would not be wasting my life carrying around the weight of my H infidelity and all the pain associated with it. I also made the decision to see the truth, my H is much more than just a WS. He still has the attributes that I fell in love with many many years ago and now I see some of the negative aspects too. It doesn't negate the good though.

 

Although dealing with the fall out from infidelity is not an experience I would ever want to reapeat.....I can say I HAVE grown from the experience and so has my H.

 

Bottom line, You are not just a WS Taylor. Your H knows this or he would be gone. AND your OM did not take a good look at Taylor the WS and go running for the hills because he was horrified by your ethical lapse. He ran because he was ashamed to look at you knowing he had cost you your job to save his own skin. It was no accident he was not at work the day you were fired.

[taylor]

Taylor, I asked where your H was in all the turmoil and what his actions were to help you cope.

 

BNB,

 

Forgive me for taking so long to respond to your posts. I wanted to focus on the OM vent, before turning to thoughts regarding my husband..if that makes any sense.

 

Where was my husband during all this?

 

He was standing right by my side!

 

I didn't deserve his compassion, his empathy, his listening ear, his shoulder to lean on, his hand that wiped my tears. The guilt was overwhelming.

 

Even having just learned that I had been involved with another man for the past year, he still reached out..still stood by my side...didn't waver one bit in his commitment to me.

 

I could hardly stand the guilt. And I didn't understand how or why he continued to stand by me. It sounds wierd but a part of me wanted him to turn his back on me..let me get thru the crises on my own...because that's what I deserved and he deserved so much more.

 

My husband was giving unconditionally to someone who absolutely didn't deserve it. I didn't want him to..it hurt too much to "take" anything from this man I betrayed.

 

I look back at the stark contrast between my husband and this OM. How the one I "took so much from" stood by my side..was there for me.. and how the one I gave so much to turned his back and ran.

 

The unfairness, the unjustice, the utter violation to my husband became very clear at that moment.

 

Yet I could not stop the feelings I had for this other man.

 

How my husband got thru that I do not know.

 

One thing I do know, tho, is that seeing the stark contrast between the OM and my husband during the crises I was in was the first and foremost thing that made me re-commit to my husband. Some wondered how I could recommit so fast. This is why.

 

I could clearly "see" the value in my husband for the first time in a long time. I was seeing him with new eyes. There were HUGE opportunities for either man to be there for me during this most difficult time in my life. One came through..the one who had every right to walk away. The other ran/went silent.

 

The cold, closed, distant husband of mine all of a sudden grew closer, warmer, and more loving than ever before. He was my ROCK during these hard times.

 

So, I guess I should be thankful the OM acted like a creep. He made my husband SHINE. It made me realize who the better man was. I had to be reminded. And now I have made him a promise to never, ever forget.

[NOTSURE7]

BNB,

 

Forgive me for taking so long to respond to your posts. I wanted to focus on the OM vent, before turning to thoughts regarding my husband..if that makes any sense.

 

Where was my husband during all this?

 

He was standing right by my side!

 

I didn't deserve his compassion, his empathy, his listening ear, his shoulder to lean on, his hand that wiped my tears. The guilt was overwhelming.

 

Even having just learned that I had been involved with another man for the past year, he still reached out..still stood by my side...didn't waver one bit in his commitment to me.

 

I could hardly stand the guilt. And I didn't understand how or why he continued to stand by me. It sounds wierd but a part of me wanted him to turn his back on me..let me get thru the crises on my own...because that's what I deserved and he deserved so much more.

 

My husband was giving unconditionally to someone who absolutely didn't deserve it. I didn't want him to..it hurt too much to "take" anything from this man I betrayed.

 

I look back at the stark contrast between my husband and this OM. How the one I "took so much from" stood by my side..was there for me.. and how the one I gave so much to turned his back and ran.

 

The unfairness, the unjustice, the utter violation to my husband became very clear at that moment.

 

Yet I could not stop the feelings I had for this other man.

 

How my husband got thru that I do not know.

 

One thing I do know, tho, is that seeing the stark contrast between the OM and my husband during the crises I was in was the first and foremost thing that made me re-commit to my husband. Some wondered how I could recommit so fast. This is why.

 

I could clearly "see" the value in my husband for the first time in a long time. I was seeing him with new eyes. There were HUGE opportunities for either man to be there for me during this most difficult time in my life. One came through..the one who had every right to walk away. The other ran/went silent.

 

The cold, closed, distant husband of mine all of a sudden grew closer, warmer, and more loving than ever before. He was my ROCK during these hard times.

 

So, I guess I should be thankful the OM acted like a creep. He made my husband SHINE. It made me realize who the better man was. I had to be reminded. And now I have made him a promise to never, ever forget.

 

so then now its time to forget about this om, your H sounds like a great guy, why are you still wasting your valuable time on this resentment issue?..this om used you for good times, when they were bad he ran, pretty straight forward stuff..

 

it sounds to me like this om did you a huge favor and in the aftermath the process awoke your h and you now have an incredible strong realtionship.i wouldnt even give it anymore thought...

[taylor]

He didn't have a giving spirit. He was a taker. Everyone wasn't blessed with this gift. He takes a special person, a strong person, a person with a heart big enough to give pieces of it away to whomever needs it. The problem is, unless their is someone there to help heal and replace the missing parts. It seems you didn't have that. I didn't have that. Until I realized that no person could do it. It could only happen by the way you got that big heart in the first place, God.

 

No, he didn't have a giving spirit. He was very withdrawn/self-absorbed when I first met him. He didn't reach out to anybody and they didn't reach out to him. I excused and justified his behavior, believing it stemmed from him being hurt and let down by so many people that he had given up on people altogether.

 

I guess I was the first in a long time who reached out to him. He responded back.

 

The boss told me early on that he was a "user" and I should watch out. I didn't believe it. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to see him open up. I wanted to see his goodness.

 

And I did see him open up and start engaging others. I also saw him start to give to others..help others..in small ways.

 

And that is why I was so disappointed when he withdrew/closedup/went silent on me, of all people, when he did.

 

It's funny. One day we had a talk about what animal we would be if we ever got reincarnated (just small talk)

 

I said a butterfly.

 

My friend coworker said, "A chicken, because I'm always afraid to go after what I want."

 

The OM then responded, "A wolf, because I always go after what I want."

 

I said, "You're not a wolf. A wolf is a predator."

 

He said, "That's me. A predator."

 

I thought he was joking/flirting. I should have listened a little more closely to what he was saying.

 

And yes, BNB, I did give him a piece of my heart. He knew it. I've been trying to get that piece back now for over a year. Almost there.

[taylor]

Taylor you have EVERY right to vent. We all strive to heal ourselves and let go of resentments. But it seems to me that you have good reason to be resentful. He let you down.

 

Yes, this is how I felt the minute I got fired and he didn't call me for 10 days. Every employee in the place contacted me one way or another afterwards. Everyone but him. Yes, I felt let down, bigtime. His silence cut like a knife.

 

 

 

this was not about just sex, it was about being close and intimate all the things that you did for him you did as a lover but first and foremost as a friend.

 

There was a sexual attraction but we didn't cross that line. Wanted to, but didn't. What I had with him was an emotional connection..we fed each other emotionally. But the minute I lost my job, he left me to starve to death..or so it felt. I thought we were friends enough to not do that to each other.

 

 

Every single time something was wrong in your life (and these were big things) he was absent.

 

I only knew him a year. During that time he knew nothing of my private life. I lead him to believe it was all flowers and rainbows. He saw me as happy, confident, strong, upbeat, ...a had it all together kind of person.

 

I don't think he ever anticipated anything going wrong in my life..nothing where I might want to lean on him for a change.

 

Guess he didn't like the role reversal.

 

it would be worth talking to a lawyer.

 

No, not worth it to me. I just want peace and to be able to move past it.

 

 

Being a big girl doesnt mean losing your job for some guy who cant even step up to the plate. I hate to say it but it sounds like he dropped you in it to save his own butt

 

I do hold some resentment because I lost my job over this guy. But it's me I am angry at. If I hadn't let the affair develop..if I had kept him bay...stopped him at the door...didn't encourage him in any way..I would probably still have my job.

 

Both my husband and my therapist say it's my own fault I lost my job because I let the OM get too close..so close that it jeopardised both of our jobs. Both said I should have been watching out for myself, not for the OM. In a way, the boss was right..I was trying to protect the OM so he wouldn't lose his job, but I failed to safeguard my own job.

 

For awhile it angered me that the OM did not lose his job since he was the one not doing his job and was getting reprimanded for it. Why should I pay the price for his poor job performance?

 

My husband said companies don't look at it that way. He said the OM was the more valuable employee because he was production..the bread and butter of the workforce. As support, I was more expendable. The boss had to solve a problem and she did it by getting rid of her more expendable employee.

 

I could not have stayed at that job too much longer, tho, since the affair was on the verge of becoming a PA.

 

I see the job loss today as a blessing in disguise.

 

And even though in some way I don't think it was fair he got to keep his job while I lost mine, I am glad he retained his job for the sake of his two children.

 

I addressed the job loss in my closure letter to him. I told him I did not want him to blame himself for my job loss. That things happen for a reason. That I looked at it as a blessing in disguise because if I had stayed there, I didn't think I would have had the resolve to end the affair and would have crossed the line with him..something we both would have lived to regret. I told him I was glad it was me, not him, since he needed the income more than I did to support his children.

 

Youve been through quite a lot between OM your job and your family. I hope things get easier for you.

 

Thank you for the well wishes, jj. I read some about post-traumatic stress. I think I went thru some of that afterwards. It's not fun.

[taylor]

Taylor, you appear angry that OM went NC, "cold-turkey".

 

You seem to believe that things would still have gone the way that they did...that your marriage could/would have recovered the way that it did, even had he given you a "closure call".

 

But having been on here for a while now, can you not see how RISKY it would have been had he done so? Can you not see how easily this could/would have set the stage for the affair to resume/continue?

 

This seem non-sequiter to me...

 

NC is a requirement for recovery...but you resent the fact that you got NC, basically.

 

You can't have it both ways. You can't appreciate the fact that your marriage was able to recover (which required that cold, hard NC) and also be angry at him for giving you exactly what you needed to make this happen.

 

I'd get being angry at him for using you. I'd get being angry with him over the damage this caused your marriage. I'd even get being angry with him over the whole job situation.

 

But you're angry with him for doing exactly what he needed to do in order to give your marriage a chance.

 

Had he NOT gone full blown NC...the odds are HUGE that things would have turned out much differently in your life...so I don't get why you're angry of THIS?

 

Owl, I am angry that this man was not there for me when I lost my job and lost my father.

 

A simple text saying "I'm sorry" would have sufficed.

 

Two days prior to the job loss he was carrying on about taking the relationship outside the office..wanted to move to the next level..wanted me to meet his kids..told me he didn't want to lose me..

 

(as if he knew something was going to happen???!!!)

 

And then he does this huge about face the second I lose the job.

 

This man did not go silent because he wanted to do something noble..because he was thinking about what was in my best interests. He went silent because it got too inconvenient for him to play footsies under the table with me, because he realized I wasn't going to take it to the next level, because the risk got too great, and because he was very fearful my husband was going to kick him in the azz.

 

I am not going to give this OM one ounce of credit for helping my marriage recover.

 

He didn't go full NC.

 

He gave his friend his landline number to give to me because his cell phone got shut off by his ex-girlfriend.

 

And 4 weeks after I lost the job he gave a coworker friend a message to pass on to me which said, "See if you can try to get your job back."

 

I sent him a closure letter instead..4 days after I buried my father. And in that letter I told him I was going full NC, why, and told him my husband and I were already in MC..which was true.

 

The only way this man helped my marital recovery was by showing me his true colors when I needed some support in my life. By showing me the creep that he was he made my husband shine. But he "helped" by default. No kudos there.

[Owl]

I guess I still don't get it, Taylor.

 

Why are you angry at a man for not being there...when he had no business "being there" to begin with???

 

I'd agree that it's likely he didn't do ANY of this with anything other than his own selfish motivations in mind...but why does that surprise you?

 

I don't think you should feel any kind of gratitude or whatever for him at all...but at the same time, if you're going to be angry, be angry at him for the damage he did...don't be angry for not being there for you in your husband's place.

 

Be angry that you got involved with him to begin with...be angry that he played you, and suckered you into an affair that damaged your marriage with your husband, be angry that he lied to you just to get what he wanted out of you, be angry about WHAT it was he wanted from you...

 

...but don't waste your energy being angry at him over the fact that he simply demonstrated the real worth of your relationship to him when the chips were down. To me, being angry at him over this almost sounds like you want him back, want the relationship back...like you're mad at him for not fulfilling the relationship, rather than setting the stage for your marriage to fail and for you to get fired in the first place.

[taylor]

I'm so sorry, but to me it sounds to me like he used you, and when you were no longer of use to him he dropped you.

 

Yeah, that's exactly what it sounds like.

 

But I let him do it.

 

And I was using him as well.

 

The difference is my heart was in it. I thought his was, but it wasn't.

 

If his heart was in it, he would have shown a shred of compassion when I lost my job and/or when I lost my father.

 

When I look back now at those very confusing weeks after I lost my job...look closely at what he was or wasn't doing, I can say his interest at that point was three-fold:

 

Test the waters to see if I had any interest in continuing the relationship outside the workplace. We met outside of work and discussed this. I said yes, but friendship only..even tho in my heart I wanted more.

 

Make sure my husband didn't have a clue. We discussed this on the phone. I told him my husband did have a clue...he had suspicions. He questioned if I had a boyfriend at work. I told the OM there would be trouble if he called the house.

 

See if there was any way I could get back into the shop again. He sent a message to that effect thru a coworker a month after I got fired. I responded with a closure letter telling him NC and that my husband and I were in MC. I thought to myself, he HAD to be joking.

 

 

He had no concern whatsoever about what I was going thru after losing my job and my dad. Not an ounce of compassion.

 

His only concern was whether or not there was any way possible to keep on using me. There wasn't, not without great risk. He was done then. So was I, but for different reasons.

[taylor]

I guess I still don't get it, Taylor.

Why are you angry at a man for not being there...when he had no business "being there" to begin with???

 

Although the entire relationship was inappropriate due to the fact that I was married, it STILL, NONETHELESS , was a relationship. And inside that relationship, it functioned liked many normal relationships function.

 

He was THERE for me for almost a year meeting my needs and I was THERE for him for almost a year, meeting his needs. We became dependent on each other. I was losing my heart to this man and I thought he was doing the same thing.

 

I saw him cry, laugh, be happy, get angry, get frustrated, get scared, get embarrassed. I saw him worried, irritated, silly, joyful, victorious and defeated. I went thru all these ups and downs with him. I was a strong and steady pillar for him to lean against and a soft place for him to land when he needed comfort.

 

And the one time I needed and wanted him to do the same for me, he wasn't THERE. I was good to this man and I did expect he would be good back to me. Simple.

 

My heart was in the relationship. I thought his was, too, until I lost the job. And he turned stone cold. It shocked me. And hurt me.

 

It's a mean, heartless thing to do to any human being you are in any relationship with, regardless the circumstances, IMO.

 

Just because I had no business having such a close relationship with him doesn't give him the right or entitlement to treat me like a POS when I could have used a little TLC.

 

"It was just an affair. It was inappropriate so it's OK if he treated you like crap" --This is what I pick up from your post.

 

The thing is I did not treat HIM like crap...not once.. even tho it was "just an inappropriate affair." And I dealt with his unpleasantries day in and day out. I didn't walk away when I got tired of hearing about his ex-wife and his hassles with the boss, the courts or the debt collectors. He was high maintenance., but I stuck it out because I cared. I would never have thought of treating him like crap in a million years...just because he was an OM in a affair with me.

 

So I do feel entitled, I do feel let down, because I invested myself in this man for an entire year and the one time I needed him to invest a little of himself in me, he decides it's not for him.

 

And it's insulting for me to think that this man could have also had me give him my body for absolutely nothing in return.

 

Like I said, it was not the end of the affair so much that bothered me, it was realizing he was not the man I thought he was. He was a huge disappointment. And he had to have known how much he hurt me by not supporting me in my time of need like I supported him in his time of need. I hope he felt a little twinge of guilt, knowing I was there for him, but he wasn't there for me.

 

 

 

I'd agree that it's likely he didn't do ANY of this with anything other than his own selfish motivations in mind...but why does that surprise you?

 

Like I said, Owl, I was under the impression his heart was in it and that he cared about me. Why would I think anything different?

 

if you're going to be angry, be angry at him for the damage he did...don't be angry for not being there for you in your husband's place.

 

I know this is "right" thinking, Owl. But it just isn't how I feel. I was hurting my husband right along side the OM, so how can I point fingers or get angry at someone who was doing the same thing I was?

 

Over the course of a year I was replacing my husband with the OM..in my heart. That is what an EA is, I'm sure you know that...So, AT THE TIME, it was not my husband I was looking for any kind of emotional support from...I hadn't looked to him for any kind of emotional connection at all for a long, long time. My emotional connection..the give and take dynamic..was between the OM and I..not between my husband and I.

 

To tell you the truth, when my husband stepped up to the plate to support me thru everything, I WAS SURPRISED. That just wasn't where we were in our marriage at the time.

 

Be angry that you got involved with him to begin with...be angry that he played you, and suckered you into an affair that damaged your marriage with your husband, be angry that he lied to you just to get what he wanted out of you, be angry about WHAT it was he wanted from you...

 

Yes, I am angry at this..and getting angrier by the minute. It's been bottled for a very long time. But much of the anger is at myself for being so stupid, for being an idiot, for being weak, for letting it all happen. THIS is where much of the self-loathing comes from.

 

He couldn't have played me, suckered me, damaged the marriage or used me IF I didn't let him. This is why I hate myself..because I was so stupid and weak to let this man do this to me.

 

If I had lost my marriage because of this, I never could have forgiven myself. Still having a hard time doing that, even with my husband by my side. I let this man get the best of me..and I just can't forgive myself for that.

 

...but don't waste your energy being angry at him over the fact that he simply demonstrated the real worth of your relationship to him when the chips were down.

 

But I do, because it "felt" like a betrayal..it felt like being let down by someone I believed in and who I thought cared about me.

 

To me, being angry at him over this almost sounds like you want him back, want the relationship back.

 

No worries there, Owl. Like I said in an earlier post, I wouldn't dignify a word he said with one utterance from my lips. My only connection to him now is one of resentment.

 

..like you're mad at him for not fulfilling the relationship

 

The relationship had only one way to go to be "fulfilled" and that was by entering a sexual relationship. I won't deny that I longed for that closeness with him well after the affair ended. But the longing was always coupled with resentment for the way he handled (or didn't handle) the bigger, more important things that were happening to me in my life.

 

It's as if he said, "You're worth my effort if it means fun and sex, but anything more than that..you just arent worth it." He was a man of no substance, but I didn't realize it until my losses put him to the test.

 

I gave everything to this man except my body. Thank God that didn't happen.

[fooled once]

Taylor

 

*hug*

 

How long ago did this EA end? How are you and your H doing?

 

Your 'wounds' sound fresh, but for some reason, I don't think they are.

 

As for the job, almost all states are "at will" states - companies can fire people for any reason or no reason.

 

*hug* I am sorry you are hurting so much and I hope by venting and purging you will begin to heal.

[taylor]

Sounds like OM sold you out to save his own sorry carcass. It is good all that this is coming out of your system. When you release it, you heal.

 

I never gave that much thought..that he sold me out. I always surmised the boss just considered me to be the more expendable one and it solved her problem by getting rid of me.

 

I have no idea what the content of their conversations were in the reprimand meetings..except what he told me.

 

I should have asked. But, like I said, I was more focused on him not losing his job, than me not losing mine. I didn't see the threat.

 

I am glad there are good people like you BNB who have the patience and compassion to listen to all this crap. It's been buried for a long time.

 

My husband thinks I've moved passed all this. The therapist thought so to until last week.

 

I really didn't realize how much resentment and anger I had. This vent is going on and on.

 

I feel guilty in some ways dumping it here on those who have been thru far greater hurt and betrayal (BS) than I have.

 

I just don't have that many avenues to release this stuff. Sharing here has helped immensely.

 

I go back quite often and reread posts to pound the insight, advice and perspectives given into my thick head.

 

I want to move on from this affair. My husband is waiting patiently for me.

[taylor]

Taylor

 

*hug*

 

How long ago did this EA end? How are you and your H doing?

 

Your 'wounds' sound fresh, but for some reason, I don't think they are.

 

As for the job, almost all states are "at will" states - companies can fire people for any reason or no reason.

 

*hug* I am sorry you are hurting so much and I hope by venting and purging you will begin to heal.

 

Hi fooled once.

 

The EA ended almost 16 months ago. So the wounds are not fresh. But I buried some feelings...mainly anger and resentment..at the OM, but mostly at myself. And now they are just surfacing so they feel fresh. I think these buried feelings about the job loss/OM have prevented me from moving on. I need to come to terms with them.

 

I live in an "at will" state.

 

And I don't blame the boss for firing me. I don't think it was fair, seeing as the OM was the one not doing his job..the one with the poor work performance. I, on the other hand, had stellar work performance, and perfect attendance...and I got along with everyone in the place.

 

But I understand it. She needed to solve a problem. She had to get the OM back on track because he was the only one in the place with the skill and know how to satisfy our one major client. She tried to do it by talking to him and threatening him. When that failed, she took more drastic action...getting rid of the distraction (me).

 

I asked him one day after one of the reprimand meetings if he wanted me to talk to her and he said, "NO, that will just make matters worse. I'll handle it myself."

 

In the end, firing me did get the OM to take notice and fly right. He was terrified he would lose his job next. But he didn't. He is their bread and butter.

 

I just wish she would have sat down with me and discussed the dilemma she was having. I wish she would have told me my job was on the line and I needed to make some changes if I wanted to keep it. I wish she would have given me a chance, as an employee, to be part of the solution...to help fix the problem. I wish I would have not listened to the OM and gone in to talk with her myself.

 

I guess firing me was both her way of telling me I was the problem and her way of making me part of the solution.

 

I lost my job, my income, my self-esteem, and got the first black mark on my work history because of this. It still bothers me the OM walked away unscathed.

 

Thank you for your kind words and support.

[taylor]

Taylor

 

 

The more you post about this OM the more I am convinced you have every right to be venting.

 

 

He used you. He used your giving nature and your care for him. THEN He sold you down the river to save his own sorry a$$.

 

He didn't contact you because he knows he unjustly caused you to lose your job.

 

Thank you for your insight, PhoenixRise.

 

My husband and therapist both said exactly what you have said here. They "saw" it right away.

 

I am just beginning to "see" it now...over a year later.

 

I can't tell you how much it hurt he didn't contact me after I lost the job. It hurt like hell.

 

But do you know what idiotic thing I did? You are going to think I am just bananas....

 

I gave the OM my entire last paycheck. I met with him and told him I didn't want the boss's money. It was blood money and I wanted no part of it.

 

I guess in a way it was my parting gift to him..that and a goodbye letter.

 

If he truly felt like he had caused me to lose my job (I certainly didn't look at it that way then), I wonder how he felt about taking that money from me?

[fooled once]

Hi fooled once.

 

The EA ended almost 16 months ago. So the wounds are not fresh. But I buried some feelings...mainly anger and resentment..at the OM, but mostly at myself. And now they are just surfacing so they feel fresh. I think these buried feelings about the job loss/OM have prevented me from moving on. I need to come to terms with them.

 

I live in an "at will" state.

 

And I don't blame the boss for firing me. I don't think it was fair, seeing as the OM was the one not doing his job..the one with the poor work performance. I, on the other hand, had stellar work performance, and perfect attendance...and I got along with everyone in the place.

 

But I understand it. She needed to solve a problem. She had to get the OM back on track because he was the only one in the place with the skill and know how to satisfy our one major client. She tried to do it by talking to him and threatening him. When that failed, she took more drastic action...getting rid of the distraction (me).

 

I asked him one day after one of the reprimand meetings if he wanted me to talk to her and he said, "NO, that will just make matters worse. I'll handle it myself."

 

In the end, firing me did get the OM to take notice and fly right. He was terrified he would lose his job next. But he didn't. He is their bread and butter.

 

I just wish she would have sat down with me and discussed the dilemma she was having. I wish she would have told me my job was on the line and I needed to make some changes if I wanted to keep it. I wish she would have given me a chance, as an employee, to be part of the solution...to help fix the problem. I wish I would have not listened to the OM and gone in to talk with her myself.

 

I guess firing me was both her way of telling me I was the problem and her way of making me part of the solution.

 

I lost my job, my income, my self-esteem, and got the first black mark on my work history because of this. It still bothers me the OM walked away unscathed.

 

Thank you for your kind words and support.

 

Taylor *hug* I think you are well on your way to healing and getting it all out and put behind you.

 

The firing may have been the best thing for you. I truly believe in things happen for a reason. And I think in this case, the firing stopped things from progressing since neither you nor him may have stopped it.

 

A blessing in disguise sorta thing.

 

I hope by posting you are finding peace. I have a lot of "whys" in my past relationship with a MM which I would like answers to, but after 11+ years of NC, I know I won't get them and honestly, it would all be lies anyway. Took me a while to get to the point where I was about it. I wish there had been a place like this for me when I was going through my troubled times.

 

I hope you have gotten some help/relief/words of wisdom ---- whatever you want to call it -- by sharing a part of your life.