MW: no right to vent but venting anyway

[taylor]

I would say that you still are coming to terms with realizing who he is.... and that it's taking an uncommonly long time to do so. You are now 16 months past affair and past losing your job, and you are just NOW beginning to get angry at HIM - and even now most of your anger appears to be because he didn't help you when you needed it - he didn't meet your fantasies of what and who he was.

 

You are only now starting to realize that he really was the predator he said that he was. He may have fooled you, but maybe you are angry because YOU fooled YOURSELF. You saw what you wanted to see.

 

You wanted (needed?) to be his rescuer and he allowed you (wanted you?) to fill that role, because it helped him. So you rescued him. Gave him money, gave him your job, came just short of giving him yourself and your marriage. Now you are angry because he didn't rescue you when you needed it... but those weren't the rules of the game you both were playing... you may not have known those rules, but they were certainly being broadcast.

 

Sorry, not trying to be mean, but this is what I see....

 

Yes, I think you are very right with much of what you say here, Silktricks.

 

When I looked at him as a person and tried to define who he was I only had so much info to go on. I wasn't his wife or his mother. I didn't live with him. I only saw him at work, watched him interact with others. I only knew what he told me and what others told me about him. I had no access to any other sources of truth.

 

So, I filled in the blanks of WHO he was with what I wanted him to be. I expected him to be a certain way and behave a certain way based on how I filled those blanks in.

 

I think we all do this to some extent with people we don't know all that well. We fill in the blanks. We assume things that aren't necessarily true.

 

I am sure I assigned some good attributes to the OM that he many not have possessed in reality.

 

But don't we all do this?

 

And then when they don't live up to our expectations, we feel let down.

 

I am sure that with affair "goggles" on and the high level of fantasy that seems to exist in alot of affairs, the probability of an affair partner living up to expectations and not letting us down is very very small.

 

Yes, I do believe I fooled myself. But it is very difficult to draw that line between where he stopped fooling me and I started fooling myself.

 

There were times when he did not live up to my expectations of him..times he let me down..times he surprised me by his behavior..during the course of the affair.

 

But nothing that alarmed me. I just chalked it up to me getting to know him better..getting to see some of his shortcomings and flaws. Again, nothing that alarmed me too much.

 

There were other times when I tried to convince myself that nothing was happening between us...like when he gave me a Valentine's card with what appeared to be a very heartfelt expression of feelings. It alarmed me but I soothed my fear by convincing myself it was "nothing." I even showed the card to a coworker friend of mine who assured me it was "nothing." A couple hours later, while on break, the OM said, "NOW, am I going to have an angry husband at my door." And then I knew it wasn't "nothing." It was something.

 

But hte OM's decision to not contact me after I lost my job...that was very blatant. Very real. A huge eye-opener. No room for misinterpretation.

 

And even then I didn't want to see it. Made excuses for it..Was truly trying to fool myself. But it was just too obvious. I couldn't fool myself for too long. I had to admit he didn't care. There was no other real explanation. That was reality.

[taylor]

A very interesting thread, Taylor. I empathize with your loss of your father, but with little else. For somebody who is supposedly a "giver", you are remarkably self-absorbed. Yes , your OM was a louse, I was an OM and I was a louse (albeit for different reasons) but that is no excuse for your present behavior. Concentrate on your husband, remember him? Stay NC with the OM and let the OM stay NC with you. JMHO.

 

I usually try not to indulge in self-absorbency, boldjack. That is why for months I have answered other people's posts, not started one of my own.

 

I am a giver. That is what got me into this mess.

 

But I am aspiring to become less giving, especially to lice (is that the plural of louse) who cross my path from now on.

 

I am concentrating on my husband and as soon as I take a few moments to clear the anger I have in me regarding this OM, I will return my focus to him. Thank you for the reminder, tho.

 

When and if I need to solicit any advice regarding my husband, I will do it in the marriage forum, not here in the OM/OW forum.

[boldjack]

OP, Had you not lost your job, the EA would still be continuing, and as you said , it would probably be a PA by now. If I were you, I would consider myself lucky to be out of it, instead of still being a cheating wife. I would rather be anything, any day, than be a cheater again. At least NOW, you have a future. Good Luck:)

[taylor]

A very interesting thread, Taylor. I empathize with your loss of your father, but with little else. For somebody who is supposedly a "giver", you are remarkably self-absorbed. Yes , your OM was a louse, I was an OM and I was a louse (albeit for different reasons) but that is no excuse for your present behavior. Concentrate on your husband, remember him? Stay NC with the OM and let the OM stay NC with you. JMHO.

 

To add:

 

I make no excuse for "my present behavior."

 

I have anger and resentment for this OM and I am trying to find a way to get rid of it so that I can forgive myself and move on. These negative feelings are getting in the way of my marital recovery and I need to deal with them, not bury them, for mine and my husband's sake.

 

No excuses.

 

Out of curiosity, why were you a louse? What was your MO?

 

From your perspective as OM, do you see any reason why I should, would, or could have any anger or resentment inside of me towards this OM? Did your affair partner have any towards you that you know of?

 

BS here want me to blame him for inserting himself in my marriage but I can't because I invited him. But I do blame him for leading me to believe he was someone he wasn't. Had I known who he really was, I never would have involved my heart and there never would have been an affair.

 

I thought I was having an affair with a sheep, not a wolf.

[NOTSURE7]

To add:

 

I make no excuse for "my present behavior."

 

I have anger and resentment for this OM and I am trying to find a way to get rid of it so that I can forgive myself and move on. These negative feelings are getting in the way of my marital recovery and I need to deal with them, not bury them, for mine and my husband's sake.

 

No excuses.

 

Out of curiosity, why were you a louse? What was your MO?

 

From your perspective as OM, do you see any reason why I should, would, or could have any anger or resentment inside of me towards this OM? Did your affair partner have any towards you that you know of?

 

BS here want me to blame him for inserting himself in my marriage but I can't because I invited him. But I do blame him for leading me to believe he was someone he wasn't. Had I known who he really was, I never would have involved my heart and there never would have been an affair.

 

I thought I was having an affair with a sheep, not a wolf.

 

taylor- as you said to me previously in one of my posts, after all these pages and pages you are writing it becomes clear that you are not over this om because after all this time you are still wondering and wondering,get over it and concentrate on your m, you say your h is so loving and caring,then concentrate on that and stop wasting time on whether your om should have called you or not, your om wanted only the good times and not the bad, its pretty simple.its time to move on and give your h and your m the full respect and full chance it deserves.its not fait to still be thinking about this om in any capacity.

 

The fact of the matter is this would have been a full blown A had you not lost your job,nothing else would have stopped it, consider your self lucky that the sex never happened and that your om left.. consider yourself lucky that you only had an ea and that your H is still by your side and loving you each and everyday and not having to also deal with the fact you had sex with the om..

 

i

[taylor]

I would say that you still are coming to terms with realizing who he is.... and that it's taking an uncommonly long time to do so. You are now 16 months past affair and past losing your job, and you are just NOW beginning to get angry at HIM

 

I put alot of faith and trust in people. Always have. And faith dies hard.

 

And when I make an emotional connection with someone, it's usually pretty strong.

 

I'm not one for casual, superficial, meaningless relationships. Waste of time.

 

I don't want to spend my day chit-chatting with 100 people about the weather. Again, waste of time.

 

My husband, on the other hand, loves the superficial, casual relationship. All of the relationships in his life are like this. He lives on the fringe of everyone's lives. He says it's safer that way.

 

I think I'll take his lead. It going to be a long time before I can freely put my faith and trust in anyone. So I guess now we are in the same boat.

[boldjack]

Taylor, I don't know that I had anything like an "MO", all I was interested in was sex, and I did what I had to, to get it. I didn't care if the women were married, engaged or single, loved me, liked me, or loathed me, as long as I got laid. Did any of them resent me? Sh*t yes, they did, most of them. But they always came back, because I'm fairly good in the sack, and I'm a great salesman. How's that for a Louse. But as I said, you should feel fortunate. Think how much worse it would be if you had been sexual.

[taylor]

OP, Had you not lost your job, the EA would still be continuing, and as you said , it would probably be a PA by now. If I were you, I would consider myself lucky to be out of it, instead of still being a cheating wife. I would rather be anything, any day, than be a cheater again. At least NOW, you have a future. Good Luck:)

 

But now I am a former cheating wife who can't forgive herself and is angry for letting some guy get the best of me.

 

What would you have me do to begin the forgiveness process since nothing I've tried in the last year has worked? What did you do to forgive yourself for being a louse?

 

And what would you have me do with this anger? Did you hold any anger or bury any of it after your affair?

[taylor]

taylor- as you said to me previously in one of my posts, after all these pages and pages you are writing it becomes clear that you are not over this om because after all this time you are still wondering and wondering,get over it and concentrate on your m, you say your h is so loving and caring,then concentrate on that and stop wasting time on whether your om should have called you or not, your om wanted only the good times and not the bad, its pretty simple.its time to move on and give your h and your m the full respect and full chance it deserves.its not fait to still be thinking about this om in any capacity.

 

The fact of the matter is this would have been a full blown A had you not lost your job,nothing else would have stopped it, consider your self lucky that the sex never happened and that your om left.. consider yourself lucky that you only had an ea and that your H is still by your side and loving you each and everyday and not having to also deal with the fact you had sex with the om..

 

i

 

You are right, NS.

 

I am not over the anger and resentment associated with the OM.

 

Every time I drive by my former place of employment (it's on a major route) and see his car there and not mine, it makes me angry.

 

Every time I think about how it didn't even matter to him that I lost my job..partly because of him, it makes me angry.

 

I am well OVER the OM in terms of feel-good feelings. My only fantasies of him now is of someone..someone more cunning than myself...doing to him what he did to me.

 

I would love to see him lose his job because of some pretty little thing who played up to him at work, and then when he contacted her, she tells him to "get lost, loser," and laughs in his face. Fantasy, just fantasy.

 

FWIW, I do consider myself lucky that the EA didn't go to a PA. Maybe I held back because somewhere deep inside I truly DIDN'T trust him enough.

 

And I am working on the marriage. Losing the anger and forgiving myself is part of that.

[taylor]

Taylor, I don't know that I had anything like an "MO", all I was interested in was sex, and I did what I had to, to get it. I didn't care if the women were married, engaged or single, loved me, liked me, or loathed me, as long as I got laid. Did any of them resent me? Sh*t yes, they did, most of them. But they always came back, because I'm fairly good in the sack, and I'm a great salesman. How's that for a Louse. But as I said, you should feel fortunate. Think how much worse it would be if you had been sexual.

 

Thank you for sharing this, boldjack.

 

A few more questions if you could take time to answer:

 

What did you do or say to get these women to give you what you wanted?

 

Did you ever pretend you had feelings or intentions for them that you really didn't?

 

Did you ever try to disguise who you really were to get them to give you what you wanted?

 

Were you ever concerned about breaking any of these women's heart while in pursuit of sex from them?

 

Did you ever feel any remorse for hurting any of these women?

 

Did you ever apologize to any of these women when you realized what you had done to them?

 

What did you think of married women who participated in sex with you? Did you consider them to be louses (?) like you, too.

 

Were you still able to enjoy the sex knowing you were hurting these women at the same time?

 

Woould you say the sex was more important than your integrity? More important than how you treated another human being?

 

Do you think my OM was a louse like you?

 

**I have no agenda here. Just trying to get into the mind of an OM. I would appreciate the insight.

[taylor]

Sorry, just a couple more questions, boldjack:

 

Would you have pressed forward in your pursuit of sex if you knew your job was in jeopardy?

 

Would you have given up your supervisory role at work so that you could spend breaks and lunch with your sexual interest?

 

Would your job and title at work been worth losing to get sex from one of these women?

 

How many months would you pursue one woman to get sex before you would "give up" and move on?

 

How far were you willing to go for sex?

[bentnotbroken]

I think you have several issue balled up in one going on. The death of a loved one, the loss of your job, loss of EA and guilt. First you took all responsibility for the EA and job loss on yourself. You weren't ready or willing to deal with anything at the time because of the magnitude of the losses rolled into one. After some healing time and progress in the grieving cycle, all your the repressed feelings are starting to surface. My guess(as unprofessional as it is)is that you hurt more about the loss of your job than OM. He didn't stand up for you and may have stabbed you in the back, so the anger comes from losing something you enjoyed.

 

You have just displaced your anger. Does that make sense?

[fooled once]

fooled once and 2sunny,

But as in your cases, and mine, those people are not willing participants..they don't freely give us the information we need that can help us find closure. It just makes closure that much more difficult to find.

 

fooled once - 11 years is a long time to go with unanswered questions. You seem to have found some peace. Was it just the passage of time that dulled the urgency to KNOW the answers? Yes - passage of time helped. I never got real answers. I got more lies. More "I am so sorry, I love you" crap. For a while after it ended, and even though I was dating, I was haunted by "what did I do", "why did he do this", "how could he do this". It was truly heart wrenching. Was it realizing the answers wouldn't make any difference..that the outcome is the same regardless? Part of it was realizing that no matter what he said, I couldn't believe it. He had done nothing but lie to me. How could I ever trust him again? How could I ever believe him again. Was it that you just resigned yourself to the fact that these questions would never be answered and so you pieced the reality together best you could and left it at that? Or was it a case where you just said F it..it's not going to control me, and made a promise to yourself to not look back ever again? I think it was a combination of both. I could and would have driven myself crazy to keep focusing on it. But as I grew as a person, I also began to care less. As I started filling my days with things to do (my son was very active in baseball and the end of the affair coincided with the start of baseball season) I was out more; doing things. I had less time to "obsess" about it. And like I said, I started dating and the "f it" part came into play.

 

 

Why did I fall for this man? You would think if you are going to throw your marriage away you would at least pick an affair partner "better" than your spouse. Just another question that needs answered and put to rest.

 

I am not sure why we fall for certain people. My ex husband and current husband are totally different in so many ways. I wonder what attracted me to my first husband and what attracted me to my current one. I think my answer is maturity. When I married for the 2nd time, I knew ME more and knew what I wanted. I had survived divorce and knew how to live alone. I knew it wasn't such a bad thing; in fact, two of the best years of my life were between my divorce and my remarriage. My son and I are very close today (he is 20) and I think it is because we shared a very special time so many years ago. When I married my H, I loved him deeply, and it wasn't about getting married so I didn't have to be alone. I had been alone and survived.

 

Taylor *hug* I truly hope you are feeling better about this situation and I hope we here were able to help you, even just a little bit. As each day passes, now that you have purged, I bet you start feeling just a little bit better.

 

At least I hope so!

[taylor]

And now you really understand what it is that has you angry......the simple fact that he wasn't what you thought he was. That he knowingly and intentionally led you to believe that he was one thing...while he was in reality something completely different...so that he could get you to carry this over to the physical.

 

This IS something to be angry at him for.

 

YES <YES< YES exactly!

 

Thank you to you, OWL, and all who have posted here to help me get to the root cause of this ANGER.

 

Every time I thought about him not contacting me after I lost the job, I would well up with anger..then bury it. I never took time to examine WHY that thought provoked such rage.

 

You are right. It wasn't just because he didn't contact. It's because by not contacting, he SHOWED me who he really was, and that did not match at all with who he pretended to be the previous 12 months.

 

It was all a PRETENSE and he was a FAKE.

 

It sickens me to think that the whole time I was engaging my heart, showing genuine care and concern, he was FAKING IT. He let me get more and more involved knowing his heart wasn't in it at all.

 

I should have seen thru it. I didn't. He got the best of me and he knows it. And now I know it. It's a hard pill to swallow. I put my heart, my job, and my marriage at risk FOR THIS. Idiot, idiot, idiot.

 

I am angry at him for duping me, but more angry at myself for not seeing thru it.

 

How do I get rid of this anger? How do I forgive him for faking it and how do I forgive myself for being too stupid to see the pretense?

 

I paid a heavy price for his duplicity and my stupidity. It cost me my job, my income, my self-esteem, my integrity, a year of my life, and almost cost me my marriage.

 

 

You know...somedays I wonder if I shoulda hung out a shingle...LOL.

 

Yes, you should!

 

Maybe your shingle should read:

 

Got your feathers ruffled by someone? Stop on in. I give a HOOT!

[silktricks]

Most people here are bigger fans of forgiving than I am .

 

You don't need to work at forgiving him, you need to work at forgiving yourself, so you can move forward in your marriage. Being angry with him may actually help in that process.

 

The anger towards him will die down one of these days. You don't need to force it. It will die its own death. Until it does die, though, you can know that you've had it burned into you that there are a ton of liars in the world, and not everyone is who and what we want them to be. You don't want to become suspicious of everyone, but a little caution is not a bad thing.

[taylor]

all your the repressed feelings are starting to surface.

 

Yes, I most definitely repressed these feelings of anger and resentment.

 

I was on emotional overload for a long time. There's only so much a person can deal with at a time. I put some things on the backburner, while I dealt with other things that were more pressing at the time.

 

Dealing with WHY I betrayed my husband and the guilt was number 1.

 

Dealing with WITHDRAWAL from losing the OM was number 2.

 

Dealing with HOW to recover the marriage was number 3.

 

Dealing with WHAT the affair was and was not was number 4.

 

Dealing with the JOB LOSS was number 5.

 

Dealing with HOW to forgive, forget and move on is number 6.

 

And sprinkled on top of all of that was grief and coming to terms with the loss of my father.

 

At this point in time, I am confident I have put #2 to rest.

 

The others are works in progress.

 

 

 

you hurt more about the loss of your job than OM. He didn't stand up for you and may have stabbed you in the back, so the anger comes from losing something you enjoyed.

 

Right now, I am hurting more about losing the job than losing the OM.

 

That wasn't always the case. During withdrawal, I could have cared less about the job loss. All I grieved was him.

 

I blamed myself 100 percent for the job loss and, for the most part, still do. I didn't safeguard it, just like I didn't safeguard my marriage. I didn't see the threat to it..just like I didn't see the threat to my marriage at the time.

 

It's funny you say "he didn't stand up for me, and may have stabbed me in the back." My therapist said the EXACT same words early on in therapy. She wanted me to hold him accountable for SOMETHING. I couldn't at the time..I was heavy into withdrawal.

 

But I'm a big girl and I take responsibility for my own job loss. I miss the job. It was perfect for me. It gave me purpose and fed my self-confidence. I was good at what I did.

 

The job loss was a huge blow to my self-esteem (not the only one). I had never lost a job before. And now I have a black mark on my record. It makes for a very sticky job interview. How do I explain my termination when it had nothing to do with job performance?

 

I also had made some good friends there. I still maintain contact with two...but it's not the same.

 

It bothers me that I lost my job while the OM's job remained secure. And I'll admit I was angry about it. His bad behavior at work was worse than mine, yet I paid the price for both of us. I'm reminded of this every time I see his car in the company parking lot.

 

But I know deep down I would not want him to lose his job. He has two small children to support on a shoestring. I would not want that guilt of knowing I was responsible in any way for him not being able to provide for them. I can say this with a clear head now because I am no longer in withdrawal.

[taylor]

Most people here are bigger fans of forgiving than I am .

 

You don't need to work at forgiving him, you need to work at forgiving yourself, so you can move forward in your marriage. Being angry with him may actually help in that process.

 

Thank you for this, silktricks.

 

Last year, when heavy into withdrawal, I kept trying to think of SOMETHING I could get angry at him about so that I could get over him. I couldn't think of a darn thing.

 

Time and distance (NC) helped me to get over him...not anger. He is dead and buried to me now.

 

This newly found anger... anger at realizing he was not the person I thought he was..not the person he pretended or led me to believe he was...well...that's just the last nail I guess I needed to seal the coffin.

 

You are right. I think I will hold on to this anger for awhile and savor it..now that I know where it's coming from. It's to my own benefit.

 

 

there are a ton of liars in the world, and not everyone is who and what we want them to be. You don't want to become suspicious of everyone, but a little caution is not a bad thing.

 

Fine words of wisdom to live by!

[PhoenixRise]

Taylor

 

 

I am glad to see you are working through your feelings especially if this buried resentment and anger was blocking you from recieving your husband's forgiveness and keeping you from forgiving yourself.

 

Does your husband know about this anger you have uncovered? Did you ever talk to him about not being able to fully receive his forgiveness?

 

or

 

Are you trying to fix this all by yourself because you think it is all your responsibility?

[taylor]

Taylor

 

 

I am glad to see you are working through your feelings especially if this buried resentment and anger was blocking you from recieving your husband's forgiveness and keeping you from forgiving yourself.

 

Does your husband know about this anger you have uncovered? Did you ever talk to him about not being able to fully receive his forgiveness?

 

or

 

Are you trying to fix this all by yourself because you think it is all your responsibility?

 

My husband and I have not talked about the OM at all in almost a year now. To him the subject is dead and buried.

 

So, no, he is not aware of this anger and resentment. I am trying to work it out on my own and last week shared it with my therapist.

 

My husband is very aware of my inability to forgive myself, however. It's been frustrating to him because for a long time, as he tried to get closer to me, I pushed him away, telling him I don't deserve him..he deserves better.

 

As I become more forgiving of myself, it opens doors to closer intimacy with my husband.

 

So, for that reason, I am working hard at forgiveness.

[taylor]

I heard this song on the radio yesterday and had a light bulb moment...

 

I will have you, yes, I will have you,

I will find a way and I will have you.

Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly,

I will collect you and capture you.

 

You are an obsession, you're my obsession

Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me.

Who do you want me to be to make you sleep with me.

 

I feed you, I drink you by day and by night

I need you, I need you by sun or candlelight.

 

Your face appears again, I see beauty there

But I see danger, stranger beware...

Your affection is not what it seems

 

My fantasy has turned to madness

All my goodness has turned to badness

My need to possess you has consumed my soul

My life is trembling, I have no control.

 

 

While I see many elements of this song that remind me of me during the affair, I see TWO elements in particular that scream OM...the parts bolded.

 

I think on a daily basis he asked himself WHO HE NEEDED TO BE TO SLEEP WITH ME.

 

And every day he set out to CREATE that person so that I would be attracted to him and fall for him. He was quite good at pretending to be someone he wasn't. He had me fooled.

 

Sure, there were times during the affair when his AFFECTION WASN"T WHAT IT SEEMED TO BE. It made me feel uncomfortable because I KNEW I was developing feelings for him. Realizing the danger, I would pull back, withdraw my emotions for fear of being hurt. Yet, every time I did this, he would sense it and was able to come back and DO something to put my fears and doubts to rest. He would DO something to reaffirm his sincerity..his intentions.

 

Was he fooling me? Yes. Was I fooling myself? Yes. Because the more attached I became to him, the less I questioned him..the less I doubted his intentions, the less fearful I was of him hurting me.

 

And then when I lost my job, he stopped pretending. The opportunity to realize his goal was gone. He no longer had a reason/motive to pretend any longer. He "let" me see who he was for the first time.

 

This was the difference between he and I:

 

He felt he had to change himself to be someone he wasn't so that he could sleep with me.

 

I didn't change who I was at all. I believed he liked and accepted me for who I was. I believed that's all I had to do was be myself..my genuine, sincere self..for him to like me..to become attached to me..to sleep with me.

 

He put up a pretense to get me in bed.

 

I offered my sincere self to get him to emotionally bond with me.

 

In the end, neither one of us got what we wanted.

[GreenEyedLady]

He put up a pretense to get me in bed.

 

I offered my sincere self to get him to emotionally bond with me.

 

In the end, neither one of us got what we wanted.

 

Men have been doing this since they were old enough to use it. The ones who tell girls they love them, so they'll "do it" with them.

 

I think I figured out why you're so shocked about everything.

 

You've been married how long?

 

I think you're used to the way your H respects and treats you and you expect the same from other men.

 

If you were to get divorced, I think when you reentered the dating world, you would see this same behavior in other men. The ones who feel no responsibility for the women they date or sleep with and basically string along and then dump.

 

It's not a new phenomena, it's just that you aren't used to it because you've been with your H and not in the dating world. And not all men act that way, but there's plenty of single men who do and it's not uncommon.

 

I think that it makes you feel that you weren't special to him and that hurts since you risked your M.

 

GEL

[taylor]

Men have been doing this since they were old enough to use it. The ones who tell girls they love them, so they'll "do it" with them.

 

I think I figured out why you're so shocked about everything.

 

You've been married how long?

 

I think you're used to the way your H respects and treats you and you expect the same from other men.

 

If you were to get divorced, I think when you reentered the dating world, you would see this same behavior in other men. The ones who feel no responsibility for the women they date or sleep with and basically string along and then dump.

 

It's not a new phenomena, it's just that you aren't used to it because you've been with your H and not in the dating world. And not all men act that way, but there's plenty of single men who do and it's not uncommon.

 

I think that it makes you feel that you weren't special to him and that hurts since you risked your M.

 

GEL

 

I've been out of the dating world for over 10 years, GEL.

 

And you are right. I have probably forgotten what it's like out there.

 

But I knew this man for a year and he didn't seem to have any trouble opening up to me. He seemed to be one of those guys who wore his heart on his sleeve. He seemed real, sensitive and down-to-earth to me.

 

But who knows..maybe my radar is rusty from being out of circulation for so long. (lol)

 

I just never got the feeling he was hiding his true self or his true intentions. He never told me he loved me or wanted to carry me off into the sunset or any other such nonsense which I would have easily picked up on as insincerity. He didn't make me any promises or talk in superlatives, like "you are the best..the only..the greatest."

 

He did tell me he wanted to spend more time with him and that being with me made him happy. We did develop a friendship over time and he told me that friendship changed him for the better.

 

He didn't spend alot of time trying to impress me like some men do. But he tried very hard at getting emotionally close to me. He did lean on me alot for emotional support.

 

And when I tried to lean back, just once, he was gone. It made me feel like a piece of garbage he threw in yesterday's trash bag. Not special..not at all.

 

Some posters have told me this sometimes is a sneaky guy's method of operation...trying to get close emotionally. I had never experienced this before in my life. Any man who ever wanted to get that emotionally close to me wanted a relationship and if I was attracted to him, that's what we did..have a relationship.

 

Thanks for sharing. It helps alot.

[taylor]

If you were to get divorced, I think when you reentered the dating world, you would see this same behavior in other men. The ones who feel no responsibility for the women they date or sleep with and basically string along and then dump.

 

I am glad I am not in this dating world, GEL. I guess I should fear for my daughters.

 

If I was in this dating world, I would get eaten alive. I am far too trusting of a person.

 

Who produces men such as this? They should come with warning tags.

[GreenEyedLady]

I am glad I am not in this dating world, GEL. I guess I should fear for my daughters.

 

If I was in this dating world, I would get eaten alive. I am far too trusting of a person.

 

Who produces men such as this? They should come with warning tags.

 

I married pretty young and had been with my XH since I was 19.

 

At the age of 29 I was in for a rude awakening with the way some men treated women.

 

I got hurt a couple of times and then I started to figure it out. THANK GOD!

 

But I was trusting, too. Too much so, I guess.

 

I think it is really the lack of responsibility these men show that got to me. Like they just thought they could be a jerk and you had to accept that. And it's not just to divorced women, I've seen this with my friends who have never been married.

 

I don't know why some men are like that. It's almost like women are expected to just be happy someone's with them?

 

Uhh, NOT!

 

They should come with a red flashing light! DANGER!

 

But really, after awhile you can start to spot them pretty easy. I'm glad that I don't have to deal with that anymore.

 

Hopefully your daughters will fare better. I'm hoping mine will. (Thank the lord I don't have to worry about that for awhile!)

 

GEL

[ForumFool]

(((Taylor))) I am so sorry for the loss of your job and mostly for the loss of dad. My deepest sympathy on your loss of dad. I think from all I read here that you had sooo many losses in a short time that it wasn't until now that you are starting to be able to pick the issues apart and thus feel the anger ..because you can look back on these things without dad's passing being so fresh...I am also so sorry the OM wasn't there for you on some level...even if just to send a note with I am sorry about your dad. The Job I kind of have a feeling he sold you out on.....and holy cow the creep took your last check....he is a user...and has no self respect IMHO....Sometimes when you have a lot of losses it takes a LONG time to process them because its such an assault on your Self so your mind only allows so much in as not to overwhelm.....Your vent and anger are very justified. I would be spittin' mad over my job esp....I am however glad your back was covered as far as your marriage ...you deserve this nice husband and I hope in time you reaize that....

 

Frankly I would do 2 things regarding the job...now that time has passed talk to the female boss who fired you..NICELY ASK HER OFF THE RECORD WHY....and....tell your husband you miss your job and are mad you lost it...dont mention OM..This may help you gain some closure there...

 

Also do you think your hubby threatened om???