MW: no right to vent but venting anyway

[ednadean]

I was there for him to dry tears he shed, to settle his nerves, to pick him up when others knocked him down, to calm his fears and frustrations.

 

 

I listened to him talk non-stop about his troubles with the bosses, troubles with his ex-wife, troubles with his brothers and other family members.

 

 

 

And I made him laugh, see the world in a brighter light..and put a bounce in his step.

 

 

oh my dearest....welcome to the awful awful world of the OW.

that's what we ALL do, and it's generally a thankless, pathetic job.

HANG in there. We're here for you.

[bentnotbroken]

oh my dearest....welcome to the awful awful world of the OW.

that's what we ALL do, and it's generally a thankless, pathetic job.

HANG in there. We're here for you.

 

 

Sorry misread something.

[taylor]

(((Taylor))) I am so sorry for the loss of your job and mostly for the loss of dad. My deepest sympathy on your loss of dad.

 

Thank you so much for these words, ForumFool. I can't tell you how much it means to have someone acknowledge and understand the kind of pain and grief a person feels when they lose people and things that mean so much.

 

you had sooo many losses in a short time that it wasn't until now that you are starting to be able to pick the issues apart

 

Yes, yes, yes. OMG, someone finally understands!!

 

My fairytale life with my husband and children fell apart a few years ago. In a very short period of time I lost my brother in a car accident, my mother developed dementia, I became her sole caregiver..totally losing myself in her care and isolating myself from the outside world.

 

My husband and I grew distant..He had a hard time dealing with my losses as well..the grief, anxiety, anger, and depression I was going thru. He didn't quite know what to make of it all and he certainly was at a loss knowing what to do about it. Like I said, up until then our lives had been all flowers and rainbows. Instead of joining forces, we pulled away from each other. It felt like yet another loss in my life... a huge loss..my marriage was dying. And I felt like I was dying inside as well. I felt all alone.

 

I decided I needed to make some changes in my life...I needed to stop the isolation and I wanted so much to feel "normal" again. I thought a job would be a good, first step. When I found a job, I felt happy for the first time in 7 years.

 

And then I met the sOM there. He made me feel alive and he made me laugh...two things I hadn't done in a long, long time.

 

A year later, within 3 short weeks, I lost the job, lost the OM and lost my father.

 

Yes, many, many losses. I have been trying to deal with all of these losses in therapy.

 

My therapist said I had been running on empty for a long time. She told me my "box" was empty and that when that happens you can feel totally lost...not even know who you are anymore.

 

I know it was wrong to reach out to the sOM at work. But we did have a special connection. He was also hurting from losses in his life..he was also someone who was struggling to make sense of his world. We understood this about each other. In many ways we were each other's saving grace for a year.

 

And then, quite unexpectedly a year later..and within a matter of a couple weeks, I lost him, the job, and my father.

 

I told God in my last prayer to him 1.5 years ago that I couldn't handle any more..please don't take anything else away from me.

 

I have been trying to deal with these losses and find myself and find my way back to God ever since then.

 

 

 

I kind of have a feeling he sold you out on.....and holy cow the creep took your last check....he is a user...and has no self respect

 

I never thought about the possibility of him selling me out with regard to the job. Maybe he did and that's why he felt he was to blame. I don't know. Maybe he just thought I wouldn't have lost my job if he had been able to keep his emotions in check and stay focused on his job..Again, I don't know.

 

Yes, I gave him the check. Stupid. I know. And I wondered for awhile how he felt about taking the money. But, again, I gave it to him. I still don't regret it. I didn't want the money..I was bitter about losing my job.

 

Sometimes when you have a lot of losses it takes a LONG time to process them because its such an assault on your Self so your mind only allows so much in as not to overwhelm.....Your vent and anger are very justified.

 

Thank you SO MUCH for understanding this, ForumFool. It is so comforting to know someone can put the stupid affair aside and truly empathize with all of what a person is going thru in their life.

 

I am however glad your back was covered as far as your marriage ...you deserve this nice husband and I hope in time you reaize that....

 

I realize more and more with every passing day what an amazing person my husband is. We are rediscovering each other and finding more about each other to love.

 

Frankly I would do 2 things regarding the job...now that time has passed talk to the female boss who fired you..NICELY ASK HER OFF THE RECORD WHY....

 

Oh, this is a pipe dream of mine. Maybe one year when we run into each other in the grocery store or the mall, I'll ask her to coffee and if she accepts, we can have a heart-to-heart. But not now..way too fresh.

 

tell your husband you miss your job and are mad you lost it...dont mention OM..

 

My husband is well aware that I miss my job and am angry I lost it. But his reply is always the same, "It's your fault you lost it" and "I'm glad you lost it."

 

He's right. So right.

 

I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and I am totally convinced the job loss was a blessing in disguise, despite the circumstances by which I lost it.

 

Had I remained in the job, the affair would have turned sexual. The OM and I probably would have both lost our jobs. We would probably hate each other. And my marriage would have been over....truly over.

 

Thank you once again, Forumfool, for listening and understanding.

[taylor]

Also do you think your hubby threatened om???

 

Honestly, I do not know.

 

I have no evidence whatsoever that my husband tried to contact him in any way. He never threatened to contact him.

 

For awhile I did suspect he must have threatened him because the OM did an unexpected silent exit on me. This was 5 days after I told my husband I had feelings for this man beyond friendship (that was our D-day) and 1 day before I told the OM my husband had suspicions.

 

So, maybe he did the silent exit because I told him of my husband's suspicions. Or maybe my husband did call and threaten him so he disappeared quickly. I just don't know..and I am not about to ask my husband any of this now.

[taylor]

oh my dearest....welcome to the awful awful world of the OW.

that's what we ALL do, and it's generally a thankless, pathetic job.

HANG in there. We're here for you.

 

I was the MW in an EA with an OM who had a live-in girlfriend for a couple months. She left him soon after the EA started. She didn't leave because of me...there were other deal-breaker issues between them.

 

So yes, technically, I was an OW as well..at least for awhile.

 

I remember the first time I saw her. She came to our place of employment with his two kids to surprise him for lunch.

 

He had just told me that day...at first break...that he thought he was falling in love with me.

 

It was a HORRIBLE< HORRIBLE feeling. I remember thinking to myself..I am the OW. The realization hit hard. I never thought of myself in that way until I saw her...actually saw her.

 

I instantly felt like dirt, but at the same time, felt sorry for her. ANd I got ticked at him, wondering, "What the heck are you trying to pull, buddy."

 

I remember deciding that instant to PULL BACK. My GUT said, "Don't go there!"

 

But like so many OW's have attested to here, the cheating man, whether single or married, has a way of pulling you back in. And he did.

 

She left him a short time later. I remember thinking, "Good for her. She deserves better, considering what he is doing with me here at work."

 

To this day I believe she was a nice girl and deserved so much better than him.

 

And now I believe the same about myself.

[Snowflower]

T

 

Yes, many, many losses. I have been trying to deal with all of these losses in therapy.

 

My therapist said I had been running on empty for a long time. She told me my "box" was empty and that when that happens you can feel totally lost...not even know who you are anymore.

 

 

taylor, I can completely empathize with you about the many losses you experienced.

 

In the two years that preceded my husband's affair, I also experienced a lot of loss. Like you mentioned above, my husband and I also grew apart as a result...when we should have drawn together. I have sometimes wondered what would have happened if I had met 'the wrong person at the wrong time' rather than my husband.

 

I believe anyone is susceptible to having an affair, in the wrong circumstances. 'Never say never' is my motto.

 

Like you mentioned, taylor, I felt a complete sense of loss of who I was. I didn't know what I should even do with my life anymore...I had been struggling to regain my footing for almost 2 years before what I now call the final blow, the icing on the cake...losing my marriage.

 

Like you, I remember praying, 'Please God, not my marriage too. I can't lose anything else,' after my husband had told me he was done and wanted a divorce. I didn't know what had really happened-I just knew my marriage was in serious trouble.

 

Sometimes I feel like I am taking too long to heal from what happened...but then I remember that I am still trying to heal and come to terms with other losses in my life, the death of my father, a tough relocation, etc. It all takes time.

[ForumFool]

Man Taylor I wish I was there to hug you in person...you have had even more losses than I knew..I am sorry on your brother and mom...I lost my brother and sister in the same year and my mom , dad and brother in law all in a short time also ....I think in part that is why I can empathize with how you must feel and have felt. Ya know, when my brother and sister died NOBODY called me (they sent them to my sis in law) or sent a card to say they were sorry for how I felt so I FEEL your pain when I read your thread. I know that feeling of nobody "gets it" as to how that hole in your heart feels. It kind of feels like you are afloat at sea alone ....You my friend have a lot of losses and they all lead to feelings of abandonment..I don't know how to do all the quotes so sorry this is sloppy...and all out of order.....I like what your therapist had to say on the box....I may have said you had a box overflowing with abandonment issues from mom's cognitive losses to your brother...marriage...self esteem...job loss....loss of xSM ..closness with spouse..dad..and on and on.....and you pick up a piece and say look at missing your brother....then only partially looked at you move to dad....and hubby isn't able to help on the loss of dad so you pick up a piece of a loss in the marriage and pretty soon...you are overwhelmed and havent been able to put the things in the box away in a safe way...they keep coming up because in many ways they all connect...like a puzzle....all pieces of loss and abandonment...AND the life raft you reached for ( and I for one don't blame you) was the sOM a friend who helped you feel good for a while.....maybe pushed the box out of sight......then....bang..dad...the job..d day and sOM all go away...and there you are...at sea again...no life raft..wondering...trying to fix a good but leaky raft (your marriage)....Its hard and it sucks....You will work it all out in time.......They all DO connect.

 

I don't think it was stupid to give him te check..I think it was stupid HE TOOK it...he ought to have shown some class and said give it to a homeless shelter or something.

 

I feel another sad thing is you did ALL the RIGHT things as far as trying not to isolate anymore and got a job and YOU got screwed out of it..I don't care how valuable he was on the job he wasnt doing his job and it wasnt YOUR fault ...If I caused a car accident due to texting but was a better driver over the years .....should someone else lose their licenSe becaue I CRASHED MY CAR texting? YOU got screwed on that job hon....you did...and your husband is wrong if he sez it was your fault.....it wasnt your fault....if they went by fault sOM would have been fired...This vexes me beyond measure.

 

iTS LATE I hope my sloppy letter makes sense ..more in a few

 

 

 

Thank you so much for these words, ForumFool. I can't tell you how much it means to have someone acknowledge and understand the kind of pain and grief a person feels when they lose people and things that mean so much.

 

 

 

Yes, yes, yes. OMG, someone finally understands!!

 

My fairytale life with my husband and children fell apart a few years ago. In a very short period of time I lost my brother in a car accident, my mother developed dementia, I became her sole caregiver..totally losing myself in her care and isolating myself from the outside world.

 

My husband and I grew distant..He had a hard time dealing with my losses as well..the grief, anxiety, anger, and depression I was going thru. He didn't quite know what to make of it all and he certainly was at a loss knowing what to do about it. Like I said, up until then our lives had been all flowers and rainbows. Instead of joining forces, we pulled away from each other. It felt like yet another loss in my life... a huge loss..my marriage was dying. And I felt like I was dying inside as well. I felt all alone.

 

I decided I needed to make some changes in my life...I needed to stop the isolation and I wanted so much to feel "normal" again. I thought a job would be a good, first step. When I found a job, I felt happy for the first time in 7 years.

 

And then I met the sOM there. He made me feel alive and he made me laugh...two things I hadn't done in a long, long time.

 

A year later, within 3 short weeks, I lost the job, lost the OM and lost my father.

 

Yes, many, many losses. I have been trying to deal with all of these losses in therapy.

 

My therapist said I had been running on empty for a long time. She told me my "box" was empty and that when that happens you can feel totally lost...not even know who you are anymore.

 

I know it was wrong to reach out to the sOM at work. But we did have a special connection. He was also hurting from losses in his life..he was also someone who was struggling to make sense of his world. We understood this about each other. In many ways we were each other's saving grace for a year.

 

And then, quite unexpectedly a year later..and within a matter of a couple weeks, I lost him, the job, and my father.

 

I told God in my last prayer to him 1.5 years ago that I couldn't handle any more..please don't take anything else away from me.

 

I have been trying to deal with these losses and find myself and find my way back to God ever since then.

 

 

 

 

 

I never thought about the possibility of him selling me out with regard to the job. Maybe he did and that's why he felt he was to blame. I don't know. Maybe he just thought I wouldn't have lost my job if he had been able to keep his emotions in check and stay focused on his job..Again, I don't know.

 

Yes, I gave him the check. Stupid. I know. And I wondered for awhile how he felt about taking the money. But, again, I gave it to him. I still don't regret it. I didn't want the money..I was bitter about losing my job.

 

 

 

Thank you SO MUCH for understanding this, ForumFool. It is so comforting to know someone can put the stupid affair aside and truly empathize with all of what a person is going thru in their life.

 

 

 

I realize more and more with every passing day what an amazing person my husband is. We are rediscovering each other and finding more about each other to love.

 

 

 

Oh, this is a pipe dream of mine. Maybe one year when we run into each other in the grocery store or the mall, I'll ask her to coffee and if she accepts, we can have a heart-to-heart. But not now..way too fresh.

 

 

 

My husband is well aware that I miss my job and am angry I lost it. But his reply is always the same, "It's your fault you lost it" and "I'm glad you lost it."

 

He's right. So right.

 

I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason and I am totally convinced the job loss was a blessing in disguise, despite the circumstances by which I lost it.

 

Had I remained in the job, the affair would have turned sexual. The OM and I probably would have both lost our jobs. We would probably hate each other. And my marriage would have been over....truly over.

 

Thank you once again, Forumfool, for listening and understanding.

[ForumFool]

I was just kicking this around with you...I would not ask hubby ever ...but a third option could be...hubby may have called and nicely said please stay out of our marriage my wife lost her job and now her dad....and that may be why sOM kept/started the NC...I just thought it might help to see all the shades of grey and not just the black and white of sOM is a good or bad guy...as he may very well be trying to be the best friend he can by helping you get back the marriage and all you had at one time...and he could be scared as you said when he was told hubby knew....he is human and all...and mostly I am sorry he let you down as a friend

 

I think more than anything I pray you get back to God and I will bug Him every night when I go to bed....I was so pissed at Him once...when my mom died that I cussed him out in church We be cool now....you will be too..Think of it this way many of the people in the OT had anger issues with God and they found out it wasnt God messing with them...just life and other people

 

hugs

 

Honestly, I do not know.

 

I have no evidence whatsoever that my husband tried to contact him in any way. He never threatened to contact him.

 

For awhile I did suspect he must have threatened him because the OM did an unexpected silent exit on me. This was 5 days after I told my husband I had feelings for this man beyond friendship (that was our D-day) and 1 day before I told the OM my husband had suspicions.

 

So, maybe he did the silent exit because I told him of my husband's suspicions. Or maybe my husband did call and threaten him so he disappeared quickly. I just don't know..and I am not about to ask my husband any of this now.

[taylor]

taylor, I can completely empathize with you about the many losses you experienced.

 

In the two years that preceded my husband's affair, I also experienced a lot of loss. Like you mentioned above, my husband and I also grew apart as a result...when we should have drawn together. I have sometimes wondered what would have happened if I had met 'the wrong person at the wrong time' rather than my husband.

 

My husband and I had many, many nightly talks post d-day, as I am sure you and your husband did. You know..those gut-wrenching talks full of admissions, confessions, and raw emotions. During the initial talks we both poured alot of energy into finger-pointing and power games...a true waste of time. But as we dug deeper, we slowly turned the fingers around and pointed them where they needed to be pointed...and we each rendered ourselves powerless to each other....and that's when we started to make progress. That's when we started to see for the first time what factors led to the weakening of our marriage. We could see the vicarious positions each of us were in.

 

I was very surprised to learn that my husband was just as unhappy about the lack of emotional intimacy in our marriage as I was. I was surprised he was also concerned about how distant we had become. I was surprised he was just as frustrated at not knowing how to get back what we had lost. I was shocked to learn HE FELT THE SAME WAY I DID prior to the affair. And like you, he told me exactly what you told your husband..he wondered what he would have done had he met the "wrong" person at the "wrong" time.

 

That was one of the best talks we had post d-day. That's when I started to feel a sense of hope that we were going to get through this because for the first time we were united. We were able to put ourselves in each other's shoes. And we were able to start looking at our marriage as a united couple.

 

 

 

I felt a complete sense of loss of who I was. I didn't know what I should even do with my life anymore...I had been struggling to regain my footing for almost 2 years before what I now call the final blow, the icing on the cake...losing my marriage

 

Like you, I remember praying, 'Please God, not my marriage too. I can't lose anything else,' after my husband had told me he was done and wanted a divorce. I didn't know what had really happened-I just knew my marriage was in serious trouble.

 

Sometimes I feel like I am taking too long to heal from what happened...but then I remember that I am still trying to heal and come to terms with other losses in my life, the death of my father, a tough relocation, etc. It all takes time.

 

I am sorry to hear about your dad, Snowflower. Did he pass before or after your relocation? Did you move away from family?

 

I have a friend who moved several states away..1,000 miles away from her family...within a few months of her father's death. She felt like her whole world had been turned upside down. It took her almost 3 years to regain her sense of self and a sense of belonging.

 

And I don't know why it is but it does seem like when it rains, it does pour. One event can send you reeling and before you get a chance to recover..a chance to heal...a chance to get your bearings...you get hit with some other devastating event.

 

I am sorry your husband stepped outside your marriage and hurt you the way he did at a time when you were already hurting and struggling with other changes in your life.. But I am glad God has given you and your husband the wisdom and patience to see your marriage thru this difficult time. I recognize this blessing in my life and in my marriage as well.

 

Sometimes I get upset with myself because, like you, I feel like I am taking way too long to "get over" all of the losses in my life. Sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time wallowing in grief, or melancholy, or fear, or anger, or bitterness, or whatever the "feeling of the day" is that's keeping me from moving forward.

 

But my therapist said this is not a waste of time. That it is a part of healing and that healing is a process that does take time. She tells me all the time that I have to be patient with the healing process..it can't be forced or rushed.

 

I take great comfort and hope in hearing about your healing journey. And I thank you for understanding how challenging it can be sometimes to overcome loss, especially when it follows closely on the heels of other profound losses.

[PhoenixRise]

Wow Taylor.

 

One of the most valuable things that I have learned as a BS is that affairs are often born during a personal sh** storm. Job losses, children sick, stillbirths, financial troubles, parents die or get ill, etc, and one or both parties in the M pull away from the pain of the situation and reach for something new.

 

I know you don't see all the losses you suffered as an excuse, and it is not, but you clearly have suffered and those losses affected you in ways you couldn't have predicted. I am so sorry about the loss of your dad and brother and the imparement of your mother. For most people, parents represent unconditional love and support. It must have been devestating.

 

No wonder you lost yourself for awhile there.

 

Don't try to rush through your healing Taylor. As painful as this has been for you, I believe that at the end of the day, when you do get it all worked through, you are going to be a powerhouse.

[Snowflower]

[/b]

 

 

I am sorry to hear about your dad, Snowflower. Did he pass before or after your relocation? Did you move away from family?

 

I have a friend who moved several states away..1,000 miles away from her family...within a few months of her father's death. She felt like her whole world had been turned upside down. It took her almost 3 years to regain her sense of self and a sense of belonging.

 

And I don't know why it is but it does seem like when it rains, it does pour. One event can send you reeling and before you get a chance to recover..a chance to heal...a chance to get your bearings...you get hit with some other devastating event.

 

 

We actually relocated BACK to be near family a year before my father's death. We had lived away from my family (and some of my husband's) for nearly 10 years. It was good time to be near my father during that last year.

 

We moved to be closer (but not really close) to family, in part, but moved away from friends and fulfilling lives. I regret the decision to move and so does my husband for a lot of reasons. It ended up being one of the worst decisions of our entire married life together. Not to mention if we hadn't moved-my husband wouldn't have had his affair.

 

But you're right...when it rains, it pours...especially with bad events in our lives. This year has been much quieter and I have finally started to regain my sense of self. But it is such a long process and I just feel so differently about things now. It is hard sometimes to get a grip on my new reality-but even that is becoming easier. And I have come to realize that my 'new' life isn't so bad. I have some very good things in my life, good friends, my family, my children and my husband, who, despite everything, had always loved me.

 

I know it will take me a long time to heal from everything that has happened over the last few years and I will remain forever changed by it.

[taylor]

Wow Taylor.One of the most valuable things that I have learned as a BS is that affairs are often born during a personal sh** storm.

 

OMG, PhoenixRise, this made my day.(LOL)

 

All aside, though, you are so very right.

 

My husband and I forgot a very valuable lesson while in the midst of adversity which is this: United we stand, divided we fall.

 

It was my fault. I pushed him away while I was struggling with these losses in my life. I don't know why. Instead of shutting him out, I should have grabbed on tight to him. I denied him an opportunity to get close and I denied our marriage an opportunity to grow and strengthen while in the face of adversity.

 

one or both parties in the M pull away from the pain of the situation and reach for something new.

 

I think sometimes when a couple is in the midst of some kind of struggle..perhaps a devastating event or illness...they can feel like they are in quicksand..in a situation where neither one believes the other one can pull them out because they are both stuck and helpless. They don't turn towards each other and lean on each other or reach out to each other. They both struggle to get out of the quicksand on their own, independent of each other.

 

This is what my husband and I did. And it was so wrong. It led to further alienation and erosion of the marriage.

 

 

 

I know you don't see all the losses you suffered as an excuse

 

Thank you for that, PhoenixRise.

 

No, I absolutely have no excuses for the affair. But as my husband and I filtered thru the muddy waters that became our marriage, it became quite clear as to what led to the breakdown of the marriage, leaving it weak and vulnerable. After months of self-examination and putting ourselves in each other's shoes, it became very clear as to what personal s***storm each of us was dealing with at the time.

 

I am so sorry about the loss of your dad and brother and the imparement of your mother. For most people, parents represent unconditional love and support. It must have been devestating.No wonder you lost yourself for awhile there.

 

Thank you for your kind words, PhoenixRise. Much appreciated.

 

Nothing could compare to the loss of my mom. She was my best friend. She was a very active independent woman. The dementia rendered her helpless in so many ways. I had to bathe her, feed her, and take her to the bathroom. She lost her speech, her memory, and the use of her right arm. She would no longer read a book, drive a car, or make a pie. Her loss was my loss as well.

 

I wanted to reach for my mom when in the midst of the EA. I needed her to tell me what to do. But the dementia left her child-like and I knew our relationship was forever changed. But in many ways I believe she helped me stop the EA from turning into a PA. I knew I could never do that and stand in front of her and tell her what I did without feeling the utmost shame. So, in many ways, she WAS there for me.

 

 

 

Don't try to rush through your healing Taylor. As painful as this has been for you, I believe that at the end of the day, when you do get it all worked through, you are going to be a powerhouse.

 

Miley Cyrus has a song called "The Climb." I love that song.

 

It reminds me that what important isn't the mountain that's in front of me..or even getting to the other side of it...but it's the climb..the journey I have to take.

 

I think it's like that for everyone who has their own personal mountain to climb.

 

What's nice is knowing that none of us have to climb alone.

 

Thanks for understanding, PhoenixRise.

[taylor]

Man Taylor I wish I was there to hug you in person...

 

Cyber hugs feel pretty darn good, too, Forumfool, so thank you for that.

 

I lost my brother and sister in the same year and my mom , dad and brother in law all in a short time also ....I think in part that is why I can empathize with how you must feel and have felt. Ya know, when my brother and sister died NOBODY called me (they sent them to my sis in law) or sent a card to say they were sorry for how I felt so I FEEL your pain when I read your thread. I know that feeling of nobody "gets it" as to how that hole in your heart feels. It kind of feels like you are afloat at sea alone

 

I didn't know your history, but I could tell you had to have endured some loss in your life as well to be able to offer the insight and compassion to me that you did. I am sorry for your losses, as well, and for the fact that they came so close together...not leaving much time for healing.

 

I don't think we ever get over these kinds of losses. We learn how to accept the loss and how to find some happiness despite the loss. But we never get over it. We lose something of ourselves with each loss and we just learn to live without that missing part. Some losses are irreplaceable.

 

 

 

You my friend have a lot of losses and they all lead to feelings of abandonment

 

Yes, feelings of abandonment. Not the kind where someone intentionally abandoned, but feelings of abandonment nonetheless.

 

I recall telling my husband how I felt during the year prior to the EA. I told him I felt like a solitary leaf floating aimlessly on the wind...not connected to anyone or anything...lost, empty and alone.

 

The thing is the OM I met at work felt the same way from losses he had experienced in his recent past. It was the cement the connected us and made us both vulnerable.

 

I like what your therapist had to say on the box.

 

Yes, I did, too. She said we spend our lives filling our box up with things that make us happy, give our lives meaning and purpose, and things that define who we are. And then when we lose something profound from our box, we lose a part of ourselves. The bigger the thing we lose, the more of ourselves we lose. In an attempt to find ourselves again, we try to replace the missing item from our box. We try to find a replacement.

 

My therapist said I put the OM in my box to fill the voids in my life. Of course, it was the wrong thing to put in the box because it negatively affected all the other good things that were in my box.

 

The box analogy makes it easier for me to see what I need to do to fix myself and fix my marriage.

 

 

 

I feel another sad thing is you did ALL the RIGHT things as far as trying not to isolate anymore and got a job and YOU got screwed out of it..I don't care how valuable he was on the job he wasnt doing his job and it wasnt YOUR fault

 

Yes, the job would have been an excellent way to "refill the box."

In fact, it did, for awhile. It gave me a sense of purpose..a reason to get out of bed, get dressed up, and do something worthwhile. It made me feel normal, energized,...and it gave me hope for the future.

 

But getting emotionally involved with a coworker there was a wrong move. Had I maintained strong boundaries, the situation at work...the one the boss had to solve...would not have existed.

 

Had I not protected the OM...had I complained to the boss about him not finishing his work so that I could finish mine and make shipment..I might have still had my job.

 

And had I kicked him out of my dept. and forced him back to his dept...making it clear to him I wanted nothing to do with him...I might have still had my job.

 

The decision to fire me was not fair in terms of job performance.

 

But I accept the fact that I was at fault for helping create a situation that affected production.

 

I hold anger and resentment to some extent because the OM did not get fired alongside me because that would have been fair in terms of job performance as well as with respect to who was most directly at fault for a situation that affected production.

 

But business doesn't operate that way. They only look at how to quickly and easily get rid of a situation that's effecting production. It has nothing to do with fairness and doesn't always have to do with who is most directly to blame.

 

But I will admit, seeing his car in the company parking lot still VEXES me.

[ForumFool]

Thank you (((Taylor)))...yeah I have had a lot of losses and most of the time I am fine with it....its been a while and time helps...but every once in a while life throws a curve ball and those losses can get stirred up...all in all I do well. I generally don't say much about myself on here ..I am kind of a quiet person and don't have a posse in here ..I hate to post to myself lol......I ought to post an update on me in a few days...but am not sure anyone would see it..

 

I am reading so much and getting to know you somewhat better as well as the ladies above and I feel you have moved farther towards healing than you may think.......but the journey is soooo hard......and mega painful You really are a kind person who was/is just overwhelmed by so much....I hope you are kinder to yourself in thought than you seem to be in here..Sometimes I think you are toooo hard on yourself

 

Mega hugs...a very tired me I woke to my dog having a seizure and am just worn out today/night

[taylor]

Thank you (((Taylor)))...yeah I have had a lot of losses and most of the time I am fine with it....its been a while and time helps...but every once in a while life throws a curve ball and those losses can get stirred up...all in all I do well.

 

Yes, ForumFool, it's funny how everything can be moving along smoothly and all of a sudden something out of the blue can trigger an intense emotion or two...hence the initial reason for this post.

 

I hesitated to post here. It had been such a long time since I had logged on actually looking for advice. But I needed to vent and many LSers responded in ways that not only gave me comfort but validation, clarity, insight and perspective.

 

When you are ready, I hope you will post. We can never have too many friends! And, for the most part, I think the comraderie here is amazing.

 

I will be off LS for the next 10 days at least as my husband and I are renewing our vows and going on a second honeymoon..It's definately been an uphill climb to reach this point. But it is a significant point..one that I hope we will be building our future on. It feels like a second chance for both of us.

 

Sometimes I think you are toooo hard on yourself

 

Yeah, you aren't the first to say that. But I think, as women, we all do this to some extent.

 

Mega hugs...a very tired me I woke to my dog having a seizure and am just worn out today/night

 

I hope he is doing OK. Not sure if dog seizures are like people seizures but my mom gets them too. They are sooo scary sometimes. And she is exhausted for the whole day after she has one.

 

I am also a dog lover (noticed your avatar)..we have two..a lab and a beagle. quite the odd couple.

 

Will talk to you when I get back from my trip. Take care, Forumfool.

[Dexter Morgan]

But I do harbor some resentment...I do blame him for something...but it has nothing to do with his role in hurting my husband. Again I can't blame him for hurting my husband since I invited him to and I was doing the same thing.

 

What I resent about him is how he went silent when I needed him the most.

 

 

taylor, sounds as if the only reason you aren't still in an affair is because he went NC. For all the things you say about being truly remorseful and doing your best to correct what you did to your husband, the bolded statement kind of negates all that a bit.

 

 

As an OM he owed me nothing. It was his right to walk away any time he wanted. I get that.

 

But as a PERSON..as a FRIEND (we did have a friendship) I felt I deserved better.

 

if you are to work on your marriage, the "friendship" with any person a cheater sleeps with needs to be severed.

 

you felt you deserved better?

 

 

I put a smile on this man's face when he was down and out.

 

I gave him the confidence to believe in himself again.

 

I gave him strength every day to cope with his many troubles...both on the homefront and at work.

 

I was there for him to dry tears he shed, to settle his nerves, to pick him up when others knocked him down, to calm his fears and frustrations.

 

I handed him the keys to my car when his broke down and he needed to pick his sick daughter up from daycare.

 

I gave him $200 for tires so that he would be safe driving his kids on the highway.

 

I bought his lunches when he didn't have 2 cents to buy a burger off the dollar menu at McDonalds.

 

I bought his children gifts for birthday and Christmas because he couldn't afford to buy them squat.

 

I listened to him talk non-stop about his troubles with the bosses, troubles with his ex-wife, troubles with his brothers and other family members.

 

I gave him child care advice when he was scratching his head about what to do with the kids.

 

I helped him find daycare. I helped him sign up for vocational classes to boost his earning power.

 

I gave him guidance and strength to fight the legal battle for custody of his children.

 

I helped him reclaim his manhood that his ex-wife stole from him.

 

And I made him laugh, see the world in a brighter light..and put a bounce in his step.

 

I gave him hope that the future was a place where his dreams could come true.

 

I WAS THERE FOR HIM.

 

wow, and here I thought you were working on your marriage because its what you wanted.....not because OM decided to end it.

 

this post of yours here, in my opinion, is one huge step backwards.....for your husband, although he probably won't realize it or know it.

 

 

The therapist asked me what I would do if I ever passed him on the street.

 

I told her if he stopped and said, "Hi, How are you?" I would keep on walking. I wouldn't even dignify it with a response. Why in the world would he even care now when he couldn't muster an ounce of concern or care the only time I really needed it...the only time I ever expected a shred of decency and human compassion from him.

 

OK, BS, the anger is flowing out of me now. Perhaps not in the way you think it should, but it is what it is.

 

So does your husband know you are only with him now because the OM snubbed you?

 

Does your husband know that you reel with these thoughts, even though you are suppose to be working on your marriage and making things right with him?

 

I'm sorry taylor, I gave you the benefit of the doubt, and that is a rarity for me to do with cheaters.

 

but this post, to me, negates all the things you said about remorse and doing right by your husband.