SidLyon Posted August 16, 2009 Share Posted August 16, 2009 SidLyon, get over it....I did not jump into conclusion(maybe some other poster did, but not me)..I asked...or did you miss that part? because I obviously, missed the part where you said from 'weeks ago' that you cheated on your ex-BF. I'm sorry I am not an ardent follower of your posts . Jesus, get over it already. You were asked. So sex was better for you when you cheated, ok fine, move on. Yes -you too. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 16, 2009 Share Posted August 16, 2009 I have had 3 SO. My first partner (for 5 years) and I had amazing sex. He was so uninhibited and free and happy and it made our sex life great. My second partner (for 25 years) and I had different levels of sex drive and he had a lot of personal problems which affected our relationship greatly. Finally, meeting MM sex life is incredible. We have the same level of sex drive, we like the same stuff, we both enjoy sex very much. My conclusion is that it is very important to have similar sex drives. For MM and I, after having for many years been with partners where this was not the case, it was a relief and a joy to find someone who enjoyed sex as much as he/I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted August 16, 2009 Share Posted August 16, 2009 I have had 3 SO. My first partner (for 5 years) and I had amazing sex. He was so uninhibited and free and happy and it made our sex life great. My second partner (for 25 years) and I had different levels of sex drive and he had a lot of personal problems which affected our relationship greatly. Finally, meeting MM sex life is incredible. We have the same level of sex drive, we like the same stuff, we both enjoy sex very much. My conclusion is that it is very important to have similar sex drives. For MM and I, after having for many years been with partners where this was not the case, it was a relief and a joy to find someone who enjoyed sex as much as he/I did. I was wondering if this enthusiasm for one another is attributed to the lack of frequency or to the frequency. Do you see this man very often? Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted August 16, 2009 Share Posted August 16, 2009 Tami, that's why I have told that I was a cheater, from the very beginning, so that the revelation wouldn't affect my believability. OP, Affair sex is no better or worse than any other kind of sex. If you are good at it, it will be good, if not, the reverse is true. That whole " thrill", thing about doing something "bad", is way over-rated as an aphrodisiac. I t may make it better once or twice, but after that the sex is only as good as both partners can make it. Very true, BJ. From my experience I didn't happen to see any difference in talent or outcome. I married the best lover I ever had. Link to post Share on other sites
Sanafa Posted August 16, 2009 Share Posted August 16, 2009 Ours was by far the best sex..... BUT at first it was good... no question we had the chemistry and like someone else said it wasn't until we really start seeing each other, and getting to know each other that it got better. So much has to do with a match not just in the bedroom.... and for us, being open-minded let me understand and learn and he was great at letting me explore on my own terms. I honestly don't expect to have that again, took me 40 years to find the whole package the first time... I don't see it happening again. As far frequency, if it often plays a factor.... it didn't for us, we seen each other multiple times a week.... in fact the more we were together, especially in other areas...daily lunch whatever.. the connection grew and in the end was far more intense than in the beginning. With all the stuff I am going through, I have also decide to not downplay what we had, regardless of if it was right or wrong. We made mistakes, and we are truly paying the consequences but I am tired of downplaying the reality of that relationship due to the nature of it. Do I think they will ever experience that level.... no I don't. but on the flip neither will I, simply how the cards were dealt. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 16, 2009 Share Posted August 16, 2009 I was wondering if this enthusiasm for one another is attributed to the lack of frequency or to the frequency. Do you see this man very often? We see each other just about every day, and have sex 2 or 3 times a week, sometimes more. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 16, 2009 Share Posted August 16, 2009 Very true, BJ. From my experience I didn't happen to see any difference in talent or outcome. I married the best lover I ever had. Gamine, this is interesting, how did your H go from the best lover you ever had to tapping you on the shoulder (as I remember reading in one of your old posts)? What happened? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted August 16, 2009 Share Posted August 16, 2009 Affair sex is no better or worse than any other kind of sex. If you are good at it, it will be good, if not, the reverse is true. That whole " thrill", thing about doing something "bad", is way over-rated as an aphrodisiac. I t may make it better once or twice, but after that the sex is only as good as both partners can make it. Agreed. I've had several As. The sex was not uniformly brilliant, it varied according to the lover. Similarly, sex with my H was and remains awesome - it was no better when it was an A than it is now it's an M. If anything, now that we're together full-time, and can have so much more of it each day, there's much more of it to be awesome. Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 Gamine, this is interesting, how did your H go from the best lover you ever had to tapping you on the shoulder (as I remember reading in one of your old posts)? What happened? You have been in a long term relationship. I'm surprised you have to even ask. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 You have been in a long term relationship. I'm surprised you have to even ask. My SOs never changed their ways in bed as the years went by, and my own sex drive stayed as strong as always, so yes, I do not know the answer to this question. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 I married the best lover I ever had, but our emotional connection at times remained rocky. I believe, he was the best lover she (OW) ever had. His emotional connection to her was very strong. The flattery and validation was a huge turn on to him. He told her we never had sex and she bought it. Unfortunately, we never stopped. Aye yay yay! I hurt for her, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 My SOs never changed their ways in bed as the years went by, and my own sex drive stayed as strong as always, so yes, I do not know the answer to this question. Of course, tapping me on my shoulder was my perspective on the whole thing. But it was contoured from my life experiences in a way. I have lived a very colorful life in the fast lane. I was never a slut (sorry, I don't know how else to put it) and never a drug user but I lived in the glamorous fast line of NYC life. Those who know me say I should write a book. But in all of that glamour I became accustomed to being highly 'prized' and men would go out of their way to get to know me and would lavish me with wonderful adventures. So in many ways I never had 'normal' relationships and when I did they seemed boring to me. I realize this sounds shallow but it really wasn't. Okay, maybe it was shallow. But in all of this I became accustomed to being seduced... not a sure thing. I must admit that the assumption that I was now there for sex available without any leg work ... in time... felt like "hey, what do you think this is?". Just rolling over and wanting some... So he had his issues and I had mine. I was used to being pursued.. so over the top... with extreme displays of affection. The roll over and tap is my way of explaining the drastic difference I encountered in a life spent in the fast lane... as in contrast with a domestic life. I hope this makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 It does, Gamine, thank you for explaining. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 I don't think it's the A.. it's simply the 'newness' of it all. (the excitement) I never cheated.. With my first ex.. sex was a sacrifice.. I thought I had lost my libido forever.. but when I left him and had sex with another man (after 20 years with the same guy) ... it was crazy (in a good way)... I never had enough.. (that's why it didn't work out with the first lover I had after I left my ex, I wanted too much.. and he wasn't as sexual as I were)... and it's been crazy since... So, for me.. it doesn't matter who it is.. it's the excitement of being with someone new.. There are and will always be bad lovers.. MM or single. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted August 17, 2009 Share Posted August 17, 2009 Surprisingly sex with my AP was not as good as with my husband. My affair partner was very young...but we had such a great chemistry and connection with each other. He was a very good kisser though:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Surprisingly sex with my AP was not as good as with my husband. My affair partner was very young...but we had such a great chemistry and connection with each other. He was a very good kisser though:laugh: I agree that sometimes sex is better with the spouse.. but that wouldn't be IMO common.. especially for a woman.. I think that when she has an A.. she already has disconnected emotionally with her H.. while a MM can still be very connected to his W emotionally and also to his AP. Link to post Share on other sites
OW_WS Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 So, for me.. it doesn't matter who it is.. it's the excitement of being with someone new.. Jury is still out on this one but I am suspecting it's my case as well. I agree that sometimes sex is better with the spouse.. but that wouldn't be IMO common.. especially for a woman.. I think that when she has an A.. she already has disconnected emotionally with her H.. while a MM can still be very connected to his W emotionally and also to his AP. I must be the exception. Strike that, I know I am. There is still a reasonably strong emotional connection with my OH and while the sex is there, it's just.... there. With the OM though it's brilliant. Not "best I've ever had, sparks flying" sorta good, no "the emotional connection makes our love making deep and connected" just consistently raw, fun and satisfying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Devil Inside Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 Since I started this thread...I should probably post. Sex with my AP was out of this freaking world. She was the best lover I have ever had...not even close. However, from the age of 23-33 I was only with my wife. I think being older I am more sexually aware, confident, and communicative. My AP was coming out of a similar situation married since a young age. I think the sex was so good because we communicated so well, were connected emotionally, and both had sex drives through the roof. My question, however, is if this connection was a result of the A...the taboo of the situation or the newness. Is it possible to have this strong sexual bond outside of an A. I wonder if I had left for my xOW, if sex would not have been as good after the "honeymoon period." Link to post Share on other sites
IntoLove Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I guess,the connection between the two connecting so wonderfully is what Matters , and not the fact they are married or into some other kind of relationship , be it an A or whatever . Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Is it possible to have this strong sexual bond outside of an A. I wonder if I had left for my xOW, if sex would not have been as good after the "honeymoon period." Yes, it is possible to have this strong sexual bond outside of an A. In my personal experience, it's even intensified, physically and emotionally. We've went through so many MORE things since he left, that it brought us even closer, which I didn't even think was possible. Honeymoon period? There's no honeymoon period when someone's going through a divorce. I find it funny that so many BS's say when her WS leaves that he's in a fantasy with the OW. Please-it isn't a fantasy. I was around for the entire process and let me tell you-there's nothing but reality day in and day out. In our case, it made us an even stronger couple. And it made our sex life even more intimate and amazing. He is not only the best lover I have ever had, but the most considerate, unselfish and wild one as well. Whoever said married sex sucks, married the wrong person. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
WalkInThePark Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Maybe some people get a kick out of the secret character of an A. I personally found the secret character, the fact that it was an A problematic. I wanted to be with my MM and have a "normal" relationship. The physical part of the relationship felt very good but that was because it was in a context of emotional connection. I am sure that the physical aspect would be as good if he would be "free". As a matter of fact, I'm convinced it would be better because there would not be the burden of "will he divorce or not". Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Since I started this thread...I should probably post. Sex with my AP was out of this freaking world. She was the best lover I have ever had...not even close. However, from the age of 23-33 I was only with my wife. I think being older I am more sexually aware, confident, and communicative. My AP was coming out of a similar situation married since a young age. I think the sex was so good because we communicated so well, were connected emotionally, and both had sex drives through the roof. My question, however, is if this connection was a result of the A...the taboo of the situation or the newness. Is it possible to have this strong sexual bond outside of an A. I wonder if I had left for my xOW, if sex would not have been as good after the "honeymoon period." I have a theory. People are going to sow their wild oats when they are young before they marry or later after they've married. Curiosity builds. An unknown. All of this psychologically has to play into the intensity. I sowed mine when I was young before getting married and frankly found no one (except for my spouse) to be an over the top experience. What are the chances that the AP could possibly really be (objectively) that great of a lover or is it really intertwined with build up over time? I wonder if this woman would have been so hot to you if you had the same experience as a single man? It's like a guy driving a mini van yearning to drive the convertible. It always surprises me the amount of older married men who approach me in parking lots when I'm driving my MGB telling me how they gave theirs up when they got married and had kids. And they say they wish they never did. I'll throw this out to you as food for thought. What if you had sown your wild oats. You already knew what a 'girl like that' was like. Would you have still chosen your wife? Thus the peril of marrying and/or committing too young before these questions are answered. But this is now a matter of spilled milk. Something you can't redo or undo because no matter what it will never be like it would have been had you done it as a single man. Now its all jaded and you are with jaded people... and/or people who share the same situation of having stunted their own growth by committing too young. So because your AP was in a similar situation as you... well... it comes as no surprise that it was fireworks. I know if I think about eating chocolate cake ... and don't have any .... it begins to take on a contemplation of eating it... an urgency... that would otherwise be no big deal if you had as much chocolate cake as you wanted. At any time. Would the sex become garden variety after time? Well it did with your spouse, didn't it? And, apparently hers did with her spouse, right? Logic dictates that the yearning for sexual exploration and variety might have been snuffed out just like with your wife. It wouldn't be long before the convertible would pull up and on and on it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Affair Sex. 1. Its hot because like any other kind of sex - when its new, a new partner, new location, new kink, etc. - its hot. 2. Its taboo. So, by nature it has a kink to it, see above. 3. A guy that just came from banging his wife will still F you like a man just released from prison. 4. People in affairs have affair goggles on that make their partner seem like the most beautiful, the sexiest, most passionate, etc. Its a requirement of their own ego and the partner need not actually possess any of these qualities. 5. When your affair partner attributes fantasy qualities to you...you feel like you are all that...your confidence rises, you feel uninhibited...leads to great sex. 6. During an affair meetings are arranged, usually with the sole activity being sex. Its like getting ready for a date but with just the sex in mind. Hours to prepare, every detail to attend to. By the time the arranged meeting takes place , you've been ready for the sex for hours. And odds are excellent your partner rarely sees you unprepared, or cleaned up the bathroom after you, or with your legs unshaved, etc. 7. There is nothing but anticipation of sex and ego fulfilling pillow talk. No kids, no shared chores, no obligations. Life outside of the affair ceases to exist. Its a compartment sealed by discretion. 8. Many affair partners, or at least mine ...mistook the hot sex , passion, and ego strokes for something else. They thought I thought they were special. They thought I was their sole mate. They actually thought that if they were single, I would want them. This only made their need greater and filled their ego more. It became "forbidden love". Link to post Share on other sites
spiraling downward Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Just curious. MM/MW was/is sex better with your OW/OM or your S? OW/OM was/is sex with MM/MW better than sex with other partners or previous/current S? Is it the A that makes the sex better or not? Sex with MW was better only in the sense that I was attracted to her but not attracted at all to my xW... my xW was ready to go anytime, anyplace... but I really didn't like her personality or attitudes... so sex with her was a chore. My MW is not quite the nymph that my xW was... but I'm finding that she also has quite the sexual appetite... much more than I think she let on at the start of our affair... something about gals in their mid 40's... One of my good friends put it so profoundly... "it's hard to make love to a bear!" Further edit: I'm on my rant now... so here I go... if a woman wants more affection from her man... she better learn to be kind and sweet to the guy... on the flip side... the guy better recognize her for these qualities and respond to her with the love and affection (and I'm not talking about just sex...) it's a two way street. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 GEL: "Whoever said married sex sucks, married the wrong person." I love it! I totally agree with you! Link to post Share on other sites
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