Affair sex

[Gamine]

GEL: "Whoever said married sex sucks, married the wrong person."

 

I love it! I totally agree with you!

 

JJ, you aren't married. And GEL, check back with us in 10 years.

[complicatedlife]

In my personal experience, it's even intensified, physically and emotionally. We've went through so many MORE things since he left, that it brought us even closer, which I didn't even think was possible.

Same here.

 

There's no honeymoon period when someone's going through a divorce. I find it funny that so many BS's say when her WS leaves that he's in a fantasy with the OW. Please-it isn't a fantasy. I was around for the entire process and let me tell you-there's nothing but reality day in and day out.

You are not lying. Let me add: sometimes depressing, painful, hurtful "oh God, what else now?" reality - day in and out.

 

In our case, it made us an even stronger couple.

This one I'll wait to speak on but so far, so good.

 

And it made our sex life even more intimate and amazing.

Same here - it's like all of the pressures that were on us made us even freer than before; it makes the emotions during so....so much more intense because we feel like now it's "right". This is very difficult to explain.

[complicatedlife]

And GEL, check back with us in 10 years.

I was with my SO prior to this one for over 10 years and the sex was BETTER than in the beginning. I have two friends married for over 15 years who say the same. It really depends on the couple; I don't understand why a lot of people generalize that most couples together for a certain period of time equals the natural decline of the frequency, intensity, and quality of sex. Just like a marriage/relationship is what you make it, so is the sex in it; it's what the couple make it, and some DO make it one of their top priorities. I know I do.

[jennie-jennie]

JJ, you aren't married. And GEL, check back with us in 10 years.

 

That is just stupid. You know I have been in a relationship for 25 years. What do you mean, was marriage the kiss of death to sex for you, not time?

 

SO1: 5 years

SO2: 25 years

SO3: 4 years

 

I believe I have more experience of long term relationships than you do.

[Sanafa]

Imo, like so many of these threads there is no possible way to put everyone in the same pot. Some of course will say the sex will wane - and I like several others here have had a long term ( Non affair)..... it may have been different overtime but it never waned.

 

The thing is this... I truly believe some couples choose to become stagnant....growth, different directions, fear of experimenting or asking too....all things that can happen to many couples. Personality plays a key role.

 

Even prior to the A, I was and will most likely be a very affectionate loving person, I LOVE the build up of anticipation and I love playing with the mind ( biggest sexual organ imo).

 

And again, we had hot sex at the beginning but it was truly heightened once we knew each other and had an emotional connection - and I am of the opinion it would have been better had we not felt the guilt of doing something wrong.

 

I would have given my eye tooth to have him as a single, free man --- mind and body and can't even imagine the levels we could have gone too.... Again, I truly believe those that don't experience can't possibly agree because for many, the "typical" is true.

 

Many men and woman never find that comfortable niche..... you can't speak of something you have not experienced.

 

I have a good friend who has "that" relationship.... I can say prior to my A... I literally thought they were insane and at times I found the " our life is bliss' a little too much to take.

 

Once I had it, I understood it and respect them so much... btw, they are going on 10 years and I believe them now when they say for them - It only gets better.

[GreenEyedLady]

And GEL, check back with us in 10 years.

 

I don't expect to still be on this forum in 10 years.

 

But I know the sex will remain AMAZING.

 

I love sex, I love my H and I have a very high sex drive, no matter the circumstances.

 

I really don't believe the whole M and time puts a damper on sex theory.

 

As I've said before, I think that life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think I'm going to have amazing sex, therefore I am.

 

You gotta be positive Gamine! Don't shoot it down before you even start.

 

GEL

[California]

I don't expect to still be on this forum in 10 years.

 

But I know the sex will remain AMAZING.

 

I love sex, I love my H and I have a very high sex drive, no matter the circumstances.

 

I really don't believe the whole M and time puts a damper on sex theory.

 

As I've said before, I think that life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think I'm going to have amazing sex, therefore I am.

 

You gotta be positive Gamine! Don't shoot it down before you even start.

 

GEL

 

 

I love it! A great philosophy that sets these Dr. Phil and Oprah morons to the side.

 

I also believe that passion needn't decline with time or "socks on the floor" and the rest of it. "Everyday life" can be wonderful if you put some thought and effort into it.

 

Life is all about attitude, really...

 

California

[choklit]

Since I started this thread...I should probably post.

 

Sex with my AP was out of this freaking world. She was the best lover I have ever had...not even close. However, from the age of 23-33 I was only with my wife. I think being older I am more sexually aware, confident, and communicative. My AP was coming out of a similar situation married since a young age.

 

I think the sex was so good because we communicated so well, were connected emotionally, and both had sex drives through the roof. My question, however, is if this connection was a result of the A...the taboo of the situation or the newness. Is it possible to have this strong sexual bond outside of an A. I wonder if I had left for my xOW, if sex would not have been as good after the "honeymoon period."

 

My situation was similar, the OM and I were very sexually compatible and the sex was awesome. We were friends for years prior to the A, he is not at all perfect in my eyes but he was strong at giving the specific emotional needs that I crave. Certain needs that my H is not good at, even while dating, but I assumed his many other positive attributes were more important. When I got married, I was clueless to what emotional needs were, the various needs, and what was most important to me. A few reasons why I probably developed strong feelings toward the OM and was far more sexually open with him. There are also several other reasons we were more open with each other sexually but I prefer not to disclose that information. Unfortunately, there are certain natural circumstances that cannot be changed, and yes, in some areas there are alternatives, but, those alternatives may affect something else, interrupt the mood, or cause discomfort.

 

You made a good point in regards to being married at a young age, we both, along with our spouses had limited sexual experience prior to marriage. We are both in mid-late thirties, I married early 20s and the OM married who he dated(virgin) in late teens. You hear often about spicing up the sex in your marriage and trying new things. But, bodies are and react differently.

 

Unfortunately, I used to think sex was overrated but the OM made me realize what I was truly missing sexually. I am now more aware of what I prefer to give and receive sexually and my sex drive has soared. Does my H satisfy me, yes, but everyone is different, it's just not the same and will probably never be close. Along with emotions, there are many other factors to consider during a sexual experience: pre-ejactulatory fluid, sweat, flexibility, vaginal lubrication, etc. In my situation, the secrecy, preparation, blah blah of the A is not what made the sex great.

[White Flower]

Just curious.

 

MM/MW was/is sex better with your OW/OM or your S?

 

OW/OM was/is sex with MM/MW better than sex with other partners or previous/current S?

 

Is it the A that makes the sex better or not?

Heck, there are just about as many answers as there are people!

 

For some, I believe a rare few, the white-hot sex is about the illicitness of the A. Most of these people are probably sociopaths, but not all. Not all thrill-seekers are sociopaths but I digress.

 

When I was in love with my H the sex was great. I had nobody to compare him with really and it was the love for him (and my perceived vision of his love for me) that made the sex great to me.

 

Fast-forward about 25 years. The love has died and sex is just a release to both partners. M begins to fall apart. Enter MM. He really courted me as much as a taken man can. I fell in love with him long before it turned P, which was about a year and a half. I believe it was my love for him, his for me, along with our mutual maturity and experience in Rs and in sex, that made our love-making out of this world.

 

It was not about secrecy whatsoever, at least on my part. His W was non-existant to me as they lived far away and there was no chance of ever bumping in to them/her. We didn't work together. When we met, we met alone without our friends or coworkers, etc., at a halfway point between our cities. Our little bubble.

 

There may have been mystery in that bubble that led to wild and passionate sex, but I believe it was all love and do not believe it would stop if he left and M me. Our bubble would have always existed in the bedroom and the sex would have always been white-hot.

 

OP, I hope you are not giving up true love in order to be an 'altruistic relinquisher' as mentioned on another thread. I really hope you do what is right by ALL and not just your W. You are important, your OW is important, AND your W is important.

 

How do you want to be remembered? As someone who gave to charities, but did so resentfully, or gave to charities but did so gleefully?

 

If I were the charity, I would want the giver to enjoy with all his heart giving to my foundation.

 

Best of luck,

WF.

[White Flower]

Jury is still out on this one but I am suspecting it's my case as well.

 

 

 

I must be the exception. Strike that, I know I am. There is still a reasonably strong emotional connection with my OH and while the sex is there, it's just.... there. With the OM though it's brilliant. Not "best I've ever had, sparks flying" sorta good, no "the emotional connection makes our love making deep and connected" just consistently raw, fun and satisfying.

What is OH?

[Devil Inside]

Affair Sex.

 

1. Its hot because like any other kind of sex - when its new, a new partner, new location, new kink, etc. - its hot.

 

2. Its taboo. So, by nature it has a kink to it, see above.

 

3. A guy that just came from banging his wife will still F you like a man just released from prison.

 

4. People in affairs have affair goggles on that make their partner seem like the most beautiful, the sexiest, most passionate, etc. Its a requirement of their own ego and the partner need not actually possess any of these qualities.

 

5. When your affair partner attributes fantasy qualities to you...you feel like you are all that...your confidence rises, you feel uninhibited...leads to great sex.

 

6. During an affair meetings are arranged, usually with the sole activity being sex. Its like getting ready for a date but with just the sex in mind. Hours to prepare, every detail to attend to. By the time the arranged meeting takes place , you've been ready for the sex for hours. And odds are excellent your partner rarely sees you unprepared, or cleaned up the bathroom after you, or with your legs unshaved, etc.

 

7. There is nothing but anticipation of sex and ego fulfilling pillow talk. No kids, no shared chores, no obligations. Life outside of the affair ceases to exist. Its a compartment sealed by discretion.

 

8. Many affair partners, or at least mine ...mistook the hot sex , passion, and ego strokes for something else. They thought I thought they were special. They thought I was their sole mate. They actually thought that if they were single, I would want them. This only made their need greater and filled their ego more. It became "forbidden love".

 

 

Points 5,6, & 7 are so spot on. It's like the whole theory behind vacation sex...but to a greater degree.

 

Planning meetings weeks ahead of time. Shopping online with her for lingerie. Researching sexual technique. Choosing hotels, restaurants, things to do. Sharing fantasies to be explored. By the time our lips would touch I swore there were actual sparks there.

 

While we did have a relationship where we shared our lives with each other, supported each other, and helped each other, we never had to do so out of a shared responsibility. I could empathize with how hard it was when your young children bickered with each other...but it's not like I was there having to do anything about it.

 

She also made me feel like the greatest lover that walked the world...the greatest man in fact. She told me, even after it was done..."you are the most amazing man I ever met and if I ever love again I will be settling." I mean words like that make you feel so confident...I did the same for her...makes sense these two "great and confident" people drunk on infatuation would make love like sex gods.

[grogster]

Affair Sex.

 

1. Its hot because like any other kind of sex - when its new, a new partner, new location, new kink, etc. - its hot.

 

2. Its taboo. So, by nature it has a kink to it, see above.

 

3. A guy that just came from banging his wife will still F you like a man just released from prison.

 

4. People in affairs have affair goggles on that make their partner seem like the most beautiful, the sexiest, most passionate, etc. Its a requirement of their own ego and the partner need not actually possess any of these qualities.

 

5. When your affair partner attributes fantasy qualities to you...you feel like you are all that...your confidence rises, you feel uninhibited...leads to great sex.

 

6. During an affair meetings are arranged, usually with the sole activity being sex. Its like getting ready for a date but with just the sex in mind. Hours to prepare, every detail to attend to. By the time the arranged meeting takes place , you've been ready for the sex for hours. And odds are excellent your partner rarely sees you unprepared, or cleaned up the bathroom after you, or with your legs unshaved, etc.

 

7. There is nothing but anticipation of sex and ego fulfilling pillow talk. No kids, no shared chores, no obligations. Life outside of the affair ceases to exist. Its a compartment sealed by discretion.

 

8. Many affair partners, or at least mine ...mistook the hot sex , passion, and ego strokes for something else. They thought I thought they were special. They thought I was their sole mate. They actually thought that if they were single, I would want them. This only made their need greater and filled their ego more. It became "forbidden love".

 

That about sums up my experiences with my MW. Affair sex is to marital sex as a blast furnace is to a match.

 

Affair sex is Eros unbound.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Points 5,6, & 7 are so spot on. It's like the whole theory behind vacation sex...but to a greater degree.

 

Planning meetings weeks ahead of time. Shopping online with her for lingerie. Researching sexual technique. Choosing hotels, restaurants, things to do. Sharing fantasies to be explored. By the time our lips would touch I swore there were actual sparks there.

 

makes sense these two "great and confident" people drunk on infatuation would make love like sex gods.

 

I have a feeling that's precisely what is going through my MM's head. And, to a lesser degree, in my head. (I am not married, thus I don't have as much to "vacation" from.)

 

Devil_Inside -- you were a MM with an OW, right? If so, can I ask you -- did you also continue having sex with your wife? How did the sex compare?

 

My MM has said that he sees his wife as more of a friend than anything. That the biggest problem he sees in spending time with me is the time it takes away with his children; he doesn't say that about his wife. He says he's not unhappy, but not happy. Simply content. I wonder if they have sex. I think that would really bother me. Even though, at the same time, I also have no desire for him to leave her for me. That sounds absurd I know. So, SO selfish -- I'm the OW who doesn't want her MM to sleep with his wife since he's sleeping with me. But, I don't want him to leave her. I don't want to break up a marriage after all.

 

God, typing that out really drives it home for me. There is a theory of thought that says MP should be able to have OP who don't interact with their children. Why can't culture accept something like that? That's why I find myself not tearing myself out of this A. Because I don't necessarily think it's so bad. Of course, it is for his wife. But, I can't put myself in her shoes. I know that. As Taylor as said, I shouldn't even try to do that.

[Devil Inside]

 

Devil_Inside -- you were a MM with an OW, right? If so, can I ask you -- did you also continue having sex with your wife? How did the sex compare?

 

 

The last six months of the A (it lasted ten months) I could not bring myself to have sex with my wife. You would think this would have sent off major alarm bells for her...but that is part of our original problem. She did comment a few times, but we had our three year old son not being able to sleep alone..conveniently..at that time.

 

Crazy thing is, if I thought about sex with my W I felt I was cheating on my OW. Sick..I know.

 

As for how it compared. There has never been anyone else that has ever been able to sexually satisfy me like my xOW. It was so much better than any other sexual relationship that it's not even funny.

[jennie-jennie]

The last six months of the A (it lasted ten months) I could not bring myself to have sex with my wife. You would think this would have sent off major alarm bells for her...but that is part of our original problem. She did comment a few times, but we had our three year old son not being able to sleep alone..conveniently..at that time.

 

Crazy thing is, if I thought about sex with my W I felt I was cheating on my OW. Sick..I know.

 

As for how it compared. There has never been anyone else that has ever been able to sexually satisfy me like my xOW. It was so much better than any other sexual relationship that it's not even funny.

 

It was not "sick". It just shows you where your loyalty and love was - with your OW. In fact it shows to me that you probably are a fine loyal person who only wants one woman at a time in his life.

[jennie-jennie]

DI, don't answer this if you feel it is too private. But how is your sex life now with your W? You have taken up sex with her again, right? Can you put OW out of your mind while having sex with your W now?

[Sanafa]

Points 5,6, & 7 are so spot on. It's like the whole theory behind vacation sex...but to a greater degree.

 

Planning meetings weeks ahead of time. Shopping online with her for lingerie. Researching sexual technique. Choosing hotels, restaurants, things to do. Sharing fantasies to be explored. By the time our lips would touch I swore there were actual sparks there.

 

While we did have a relationship where we shared our lives with each other, supported each other, and helped each other, we never had to do so out of a shared responsibility. I could empathize with how hard it was when your young children bickered with each other...but it's not like I was there having to do anything about it.

 

She also made me feel like the greatest lover that walked the world...the greatest man in fact. She told me, even after it was done..."you are the most amazing man I ever met and if I ever love again I will be settling." I mean words like that make you feel so confident...I did the same for her...makes sense these two "great and confident" people drunk on infatuation would make love like sex gods.

 

I agree, but imo...... that should be a part of any healthy relationship. I go back to previous relationships that were not with a MM....and I have really always believed it needs to be nourished. Putting time aside is no harder for the M/W than it is for the AP/MM.

 

You have to want to do it, and there has to be intimacy in a marriage. Without it, life gets dull quick....so while I agree we loved the anticipation and mind games... I also think it wouldm't have changed in a "real" relationship between us unless other things were wrong and we were no longer wanting to make the effort.

 

As far as I am concerned it was harder for us to send notes and set things up than it would be for a married couple.

 

Play games....send each other texts and for the love of god...don't be afraid of saying ... " I want you right now...and a cazillion other hot, NOT politically correct things.

 

While people will pump AS as something only achievable in an A.... I disagree...but it takes wanting it, and working at it.

 

And intimacy.........and as DI said..... really believing that your partner thinks you are the hottest thing on earth....shaved legs or not!

[Gamine]

That about sums up my experiences with my MW. Affair sex is to marital sex as a blast furnace is to a match.

 

Affair sex is Eros unbound.

 

 

Not much of an impetus to marry a man, make a home for the two of you, nurture him, support his dreams & be there when they crash or when they come true... Seems the better end of the deal is being a stray cat.

[grogster]

It's much better for all concerned to be in a stable, loving marriage with OK sex than in an affair --even one with extraordinary sex.

 

I was simply answering the narrow question presented.

[jennie-jennie]

It's much better for all concerned to be in a stable, loving marriage with OK sex than in an affair --even one with extraordinary sex.

 

I was simply answering the narrow question presented.

 

How about a stable, loving relationship with extraordinary sex? I have experienced that - with my first SO for five years.

[grogster]

How about a stable, loving relationship with extraordinary sex? I have experienced that - with my first SO for five years.

 

That's optimum!

 

The sweet spot that we all strive for with varying degrees of success.

 

Lucky lady.

[Adunaphel]

OW/OM was/is sex with MM/MW better than sex with other partners or previous/current S?

 

Is it the A that makes the sex better or not?

 

Sex is a lot better than it was with my previous bf, but I think it's the person, and not the affair, as now that I got to see MM's separation papers the sex is just as good or possibly even better.

[OWoman]

It's much better for all concerned to be in a stable, loving marriage with OK sex than in an affair --even one with extraordinary sex.

 

Not IME. I could never settle for anything that didn't engage me fully. To me, "OK sex" is worse than none at all.

 

(and who is "all"? the MM? the BW? the OW? )

[OWoman]

Affair Sex.

 

1. Its hot because like any other kind of sex - when its new, a new partner, new location, new kink, etc. - its hot.

 

2. Its taboo. So, by nature it has a kink to it, see above.

 

3. A guy that just came from banging his wife will still F you like a man just released from prison.

 

4. People in affairs have affair goggles on that make their partner seem like the most beautiful, the sexiest, most passionate, etc. Its a requirement of their own ego and the partner need not actually possess any of these qualities.

 

5. When your affair partner attributes fantasy qualities to you...you feel like you are all that...your confidence rises, you feel uninhibited...leads to great sex.

 

6. During an affair meetings are arranged, usually with the sole activity being sex. Its like getting ready for a date but with just the sex in mind. Hours to prepare, every detail to attend to. By the time the arranged meeting takes place , you've been ready for the sex for hours. And odds are excellent your partner rarely sees you unprepared, or cleaned up the bathroom after you, or with your legs unshaved, etc.

 

7. There is nothing but anticipation of sex and ego fulfilling pillow talk. No kids, no shared chores, no obligations. Life outside of the affair ceases to exist. Its a compartment sealed by discretion.

 

8. Many affair partners, or at least mine ...mistook the hot sex , passion, and ego strokes for something else. They thought I thought they were special. They thought I was their sole mate. They actually thought that if they were single, I would want them. This only made their need greater and filled their ego more. It became "forbidden love".

 

I've had As that were like that, and As that were nothing like that. The As where the sex was predicated on the taboo, transgressive thrill were not the As with the best, mindblowing sex.

[grogster]

Not IME. I could never settle for anything that didn't engage me fully. To me, "OK sex" is worse than none at all.

 

(and who is "all"? the MM? the BW? the OW? )

 

By all, I was referring to the usual non-combatants--the MW/MM spouses and kids.

 

As for "OK sex" being worse than none at all, not necessarily-- especially when the great sex comes at the high cost of broken families and Hearts.