Affair sex

[White Flower]

I let some posters get to me, but I really am a concerned poster trying to help if I can.

 

My H went through a similar period. It was the reason that NC was broken so often (for about a two month period). I see a lot of him in your posts. So I understand some of the struggle that you are going through with your focus. My marriage was in limbo during this period. I was prepared to walk if it stayed that way for more than six to twelve months. Thankfully, it only lasted for two to three months.

 

You are in a tough spot. I think your posting here helps OW see that the MM does still think about them and the A, but I don't think its very healthy for you or them to dwell in this place if the A really is over.

NID you know I respect a lot of your posts, especially with the personal experience you bring along with them. But I beg to differ, respectfully, on this post because it seems you are only focusing on one view. Yet, I will agree that if the A is really over then it is not very healthy for anyone to dwell on the loss for too long.

 

I didn't pick up on any idea that MM have lingering thoughts in general for their exOW. I only saw that DI had lingering thoughts which he struggles deeply with. I see that he is torn and is looking deeply for the answers and those he can't figure on his own he will reach out into this forum and search more.

 

DI, your kids will grow and move on from your life. This happens to every couple whether D'd or not. I understand the distance and custody issues but I don't understand choosing ok compatability over a deeper connection, that 'knowing' that you speak of.

 

I don't know if you are doing what it takes to make your wife feel cherished or if you have to fake it in order to achieve that feeling in her, but she deserves that 'knowing' as well and she may never find it if you keep your hold on her.

 

Try to look at what she deserves.

[jennie-jennie]

Ohh JJ. You know I have a little bond with you. It's probably because our avatars are dating or something...but either way....we have a little connection. So listen to this...and know it comes as a friend.

 

Make sure that you will be true to yourself. If it comes to the point where you want more and he won't give more, then don't settle. Never settle. You've described yourself, and I know you don't have to settle. Not saying to leave the guy...just be true to yourself.

 

You are so sweet. I like that, our avatars dating. I listen and value every word you say, I know it is always out of concern. Your OW must have been very strong to walk away from you.

 

Your words make me stronger.

[jennie-jennie]

DI, your kids will grow and move on from your life. This happens to every couple whether D'd or not. I understand the distance and custody issues but I don't understand choosing ok compatability over a deeper connection, that 'knowing' that you speak of.

 

White Flower, this is exactly what I don't understand with my MM as well. We both know it probably is inevitable that he goes back to his marriage for a period of time and gives his all at making it work. I don't think he will ever be able to let it go if he does not try that first. Logically I am with him, but emotionally I feel like you phrased it above.

[jennie-jennie]

I don't know either, but I know that I wanted to find out. Life is too short, and I know it would have bothered me the rest of my life to have ignored that hunger in me.

 

It took me years to realize that things within my M were non-negotiable. And when it came right down to it, I realized that even if my H changed his ways, he still wouldn't have "done it" for me like xMM did. There were core incompatibility issues that he couldn't change no matter how hard he could have tried. (Intellectual disconnect, etc.) So, it didn't seem right to ask him to change anything for me when it still would make it only tolerable and not the kind of happiness I believe is out there.

 

I'm not making any recommendations here, just talking out loud.

 

You are describing here exactly why I left my SO to be with MM.

 

My SO and I also had core incompatibility issues. Truthfully I think he saw that clearer than I did. Still we were bond together with a long-lasting bond. He was devastated when I left him. And to leave him for a MM - he just could not get his head around that.

 

I have come to realize that these core incompatibility issues made me cruel to him. I wanted to change him, I could not respect him, we were just too different. As hard as it still is to say, we were not made for each other. I still love him, but I realize he is not for me.

[Devil Inside]

 

DI, your kids will grow and move on from your life. This happens to every couple whether D'd or not. I understand the distance and custody issues but I don't understand choosing ok compatability over a deeper connection, that 'knowing' that you speak of.

 

I don't know if you are doing what it takes to make your wife feel cherished or if you have to fake it in order to achieve that feeling in her, but she deserves that 'knowing' as well and she may never find it if you keep your hold on her.

 

Try to look at what she deserves.

 

This is exactly why I am on the quest for self knowledge right now. I just finished my 8 free EAP sessions, and have to get a new IC.

 

I read and post here.

 

I do some work with some support groups.

 

I am reading about three books on childhood issues, codependency, and love addiction

 

What I hope to gain is clarity. Did I really have the connection I thought I did with my xOW...or was it a dynamic of her giving me exactly what I needed at the exact time I was lacking in my marriage, and in character? Do I really love my wife, but falling in love with someone else had clouded my real feelings? Do I need to be alone for awhile and figure out if I can truly be happy?

 

I hope to get all these questions answered first...then decide about what to do from there. In the meantime, I show with my actions, that I love my wife. I continue to give her what I can.

 

I know most would say I am being selfish for not telling her about the A, or what I am going through now...that I am taking away her options...and you're right...it is selfish. I guess I am just afraid that her reaction will prompt me to leave the marriage...and that it might be a mistake to do so now...not until I figure out what is wrong with me.

 

She does now I am struggling with our marriage...she just doesn't know about the A. With time, I might tell her...but if I end up leaving...I think it would hurt her more to know that then...so for now, I will hold off on that.

[Devil Inside]

You are so sweet. I like that, our avatars dating. I listen and value every word you say, I know it is always out of concern. Your OW must have been very strong to walk away from you.

 

Your words make me stronger.

 

My xOW was one strong woman...which is what drew me to her. When I think back now it is amazing she allowed herself to be with me...we were both married and she put herself in a bad spot. I guess she believed in us more than I ended up showing that I did.

[ladydesigner]

What I hope to gain is clarity. Did I really have the connection I thought I did with my xOW...or was it a dynamic of her giving me exactly what I needed at the exact time I was lacking in my marriage, and in character? Do I really love my wife, but falling in love with someone else had clouded my real feelings? Do I need to be alone for awhile and figure out if I can truly be happy?

 

DI this is me to a "T" and it makes me crazy. I would like to believe that what I had with xOM was a definite connection, although he broke things off with me stating he still had feelings for his SO. So he most likely didn't have the same connection with me. Either way I have been trying to gain clarity for a little over a year now and I can only see a pinhole of clarity. I love my husband but I still do not feel that chemistry or connection that I shared with xOM. Progress is still being made and I still have not told my husband about the A. NC is definitely helping me move forward and not think of xOM but that has only occurred recently. I might need to be alone to figure this one out and I do know this isn't fair to my husband.

[Devil Inside]

DI this is me to a "T" and it makes me crazy. I would like to believe that what I had with xOM was a definite connection, although he broke things off with me stating he still had feelings for his SO. So he most likely didn't have the same connection with me. Either way I have been trying to gain clarity for a little over a year now and I can only see a pinhole of clarity. I love my husband but I still do not feel that chemistry or connection that I shared with xOM. Progress is still being made and I still have not told my husband about the A. NC is definitely helping me move forward and not think of xOM but that has only occurred recently. I might need to be alone to figure this one out and I do know this isn't fair to my husband.

 

One thing I have read about is how the "high" created by the beginning or relationships are unique, yet short-lived. I don't think we can expect to feel that same way about our spouses years later.

 

When infatuation ends...love is a choice. When you're infatuated it isn't hard to be in a relationship...everything seems perfect. So I am not expecting to feel exactly for my wife as I did in my A. However, I do need to address why I had the A and what that says about me...my dysfunction, and whether I can truly be happy in this marriage.

 

My wife and kids deserve a husband and father that wants to be in a marriage...if i can't give that then it's not fair to anyone involved. I have let fear run my life for so long...I just can't anymore. However, i don't want to throw away my marriage until I know for sure...that it is right to let go.

 

I hope you and I both find the serenity we seek. For our families...and for us.

[Dexter Morgan]

Just curious.

 

MM/MW was/is sex better with your OW/OM or your S?

 

OW/OM was/is sex with MM/MW better than sex with other partners or previous/current S?

 

Is it the A that makes the sex better or not?

 

must be the excitement of the affair. cuz since then, OM has punched my xW in the face.

[ladydesigner]

Wow Dexter are you saying that her OM is abusive? That is very tragic. I hope she finds a way to leave OM. There are usually red flags when you meet that type of person. I wonder if she even saw those in the beginning.

[choklit]

 

What I hope to gain is clarity. Did I really have the connection I thought I did with my xOW...or was it a dynamic of her giving me exactly what I needed at the exact time I was lacking in my marriage, and in character? Do I really love my wife, but falling in love with someone else had clouded my real feelings? Do I need to be alone for awhile and figure out if I can truly be happy?

 

 

Wow, I asked all of these same questions and the reason I am currently in IC. My spouse is aware of the EA but not that is was also a PA. Of course I deal with the guilt and shame for not disclosing the entire truth, but still haven't come to the conclusion whether or not I will. Do not let anyone force you into confessing, it has to be your choice. And consider the consequences of either choice.

 

People definitely change throughout the years and some of your needs that were more important 10yrs ago may not be as important now. It can all be terribly confusing at times. Really try to reconnecting to why you first fell in love with your wife. Watch home videos, read old letters you wrote to her, and you can even write down how you felt during your most memorable shared experiences. The only other question in your situation is whether or not you are truly comitted to working on your marriage. For me, I continue to be inconsistent in my answer due to my strong feelings toward the OM. I am considering time alone, I need to pray without distractions and make a decision in regards to what I really want.

 

Keep taking steps to recovery, it will get better!

[NoIDidn't]

For me, I continue to be inconsistent in my answer due to my strong feelings toward the OM.

 

 

I really feel for you because of the above statement and the other statements about not coming clean that there was sex involved.

 

These are the kinds of things that really just waste the BSs time and make them so angry that they take you to the cleaners should you decide to divorce.

 

If your BH already knows about the EA, you are really setting yourself up for a huge fall in having not admitted to the PA at the same time.

 

I am not one for advising a WS to tell the spouse, but if you tell, you might as well tell the whole thing at one time. Nothing is worst than having the truth come out in little drips. And, nothing, NOTHING does more to permanently damage trust than when the truth comes out in those little drips.

[Dexter Morgan]

Wow Dexter are you saying that her OM is abusive?

 

not until after I divorced her.

 

 

That is very tragic. I hope she finds a way to leave OM.

 

nah, she makes excuses for him.

 

 

There are usually red flags when you meet that type of person.

 

ya, hitting his last wife you'd think would have been a red flag...but of course, according to her, she was a real b!tch. uh huh. wonder what she did to "deserve" it since she thinks his xW deserved it.

 

I wonder if she even saw those in the beginning.

 

this may be bad of me to say, but i really don't care.

[choklit]

I really feel for you because of the above statement and the other statements about not coming clean that there was sex involved.

 

These are the kinds of things that really just waste the BSs time and make them so angry that they take you to the cleaners should you decide to divorce.

 

If your BH already knows about the EA, you are really setting yourself up for a huge fall in having not admitted to the PA at the same time.

 

I am not one for advising a WS to tell the spouse, but if you tell, you might as well tell the whole thing at one time. Nothing is worst than having the truth come out in little drips. And, nothing, NOTHING does more to permanently damage trust than when the truth comes out in those little drips.

 

 

I definitely agree with you. Of course the EA was discovered by our spouses, it wasn't my choice to tell. We both wanted to "protect" each other and I was too much of a coward to admit to the PA. One of my siblings had a similar situation and recommended I flee the situation before the PA was also discovered. I took her advice by not revealing but did not fully flee the situation. I thought moving on would be feasible, but the guilt I experience is more from not being fully honest months ago versus having the A. I am aware that if my spouse were to find out the entire truth at this point, months later, he would be outraged!!!!

[Spark1111]

This is exactly why I am on the quest for self knowledge right now. I just finished my 8 free EAP sessions, and have to get a new IC.

 

I read and post here.

 

I do some work with some support groups.

 

I am reading about three books on childhood issues, codependency, and love addiction

 

What I hope to gain is clarity. Did I really have the connection I thought I did with my xOW...or was it a dynamic of her giving me exactly what I needed at the exact time I was lacking in my marriage, and in character? Do I really love my wife, but falling in love with someone else had clouded my real feelings? Do I need to be alone for awhile and figure out if I can truly be happy?

 

I hope to get all these questions answered first...then decide about what to do from there. In the meantime, I show with my actions, that I love my wife. I continue to give her what I can.

 

I know most would say I am being selfish for not telling her about the A, or what I am going through now...that I am taking away her options...and you're right...it is selfish. I guess I am just afraid that her reaction will prompt me to leave the marriage...and that it might be a mistake to do so now...not until I figure out what is wrong with me.

 

She does now I am struggling with our marriage...she just doesn't know about the A. With time, I might tell her...but if I end up leaving...I think it would hurt her more to know that then...so for now, I will hold off on that.

 

Yes, DI, you do need to be alone for a while and think about what and whom would truly make you happy. I admire the hard work you are doing on yourself. Asking the hard questions. Time will give you the answers.

 

Yes, you are being selfish and still avoiding conflict by not telling your wife.

 

You are trying to spare her feelings, which sounds to me, like so much more....avoidance of conflict and somewhat controlling. Yes, she may throw you out; she may rage; she may have a revenge affair; she may quietly pack her bags and move on.

 

But if YOU respected her, it would be HER CHOICE to make, not your's.

 

It's too late to spare her feelings! You've already lied, omitted and disrespected her in your mind, heart and actions.

 

She may also love you enough to want to work on the marriage with you. She may want those feelings of love with a man that cherishes her for who she is, those same ones you had with another woman. Doesn't she deserve that option?

 

DI, you better than anyone, should know that secrets DESTROY true intimacy. And so does DISRESPECT. And so does AVOIDANCE of CONFLICT.

 

Wouldn't the relationship be all the more sweeter if you BOTH chose each other again? After forgiveness?

 

Or, in your confusion and pain, is it still ALL ABOUT YOU?

[jennie-jennie]

DI, you have so much to sort out, adding a Dday (confession day) would just increase your confusion.

[Spark1111]

DI, you have so much to sort out, adding a Dday (confession day) would just increase your confusion.

 

 

Jennie, yes it would indeed.

 

Look protecting others from pain is very admirable, indeed.

 

Protecting others from the pain originated and caused by your actions is something entirely different.

 

It's self-serving, somewhat manipulative and.....condescending, IMHO. Not a catalyst for true growth, either individually or in ANY relationship worth having, whatsoever.

 

I mean, WHOSE PAIN are you really protecting here????

 

Your own.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie, yes it would indeed.

 

Look protecting others from pain is very admirable, indeed.

 

Protecting others from the pain originated and caused by your actions is something entirely different.

 

It's self-serving, somewhat manipulative and.....condescending, IMHO. Not a catalyst for true growth, either individually or in ANY relationship worth having, whatsoever.

 

I mean, WHOSE PAIN are you really protecting here????

 

Your own.

 

Come off it. I just want DI to have some room to think and process what he wants with his life. Once he has decided that and put his mind to only one woman, be it his wife or OW, then is the time to think if he wants to disclose the affair or not.

 

Just look at NS how much time he has to spend on dealing with his W's emotions. There is hardly any room left for the WS to deal with his own. I am not saying NS should not be there for his wife, or DI for that matter, just that "there is a time for every purpose under heaven". You know it is like traveling on an airplane with a child and the oxygen masks fall down. You need to put the mask on your own face before you put it on the child's. Coincidently this turns out to be both the most self-preserving and altruistic thing you can do.

 

I have myself always been totally honest with my SO's and always required total honesty back, concerning any ONS, flings, infidelities, whatsoever. So this has nothing to do with me.

 

I am not protecting anybody's pain, just leaving room to sort out confusion.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie, yes it would indeed.

 

Look protecting others from pain is very admirable, indeed.

 

Protecting others from the pain originated and caused by your actions is something entirely different.

 

It's self-serving, somewhat manipulative and.....condescending, IMHO. Not a catalyst for true growth, either individually or in ANY relationship worth having, whatsoever.

 

I mean, WHOSE PAIN are you really protecting here????

 

Your own.[/QUOTE]

 

Spark, you are one of the nicest and wisest BSs on LS. Why did you then feel the need to put the two last lines in your post? Why would you feel the urge to back up your opinion with a personal attack on me? This is what makes BSs look so bad. Just state your opinions, don't attack people.

[bentnotbroken]

Jennie, yes it would indeed.

 

Look protecting others from pain is very admirable, indeed.

 

Protecting others from the pain originated and caused by your actions is something entirely different.

 

It's self-serving, somewhat manipulative and.....condescending, IMHO. Not a catalyst for true growth, either individually or in ANY relationship worth having, whatsoever.

 

I mean, WHOSE PAIN are you really protecting here????

 

Your own.[/QUOTE]

 

Spark, you are one of the nicest and wisest BSs on LS. Why did you then feel the need to put the two last lines in your post? Why would you feel the urge to back up your opinion with a personal attack on me? This is what makes BSs look so bad. Just state your opinions, don't attack people.

 

 

:eek:BS look bad by stating the opinion you called an attack. If that makes BS look bad, at what point AP start to look bad?:confused: Before or after they make the choice to be an AP?

[bentnotbroken]

I definitely agree with you. Of course the EA was discovered by our spouses, it wasn't my choice to tell. We both wanted to "protect" each other and I was too much of a coward to admit to the PA. One of my siblings had a similar situation and recommended I flee the situation before the PA was also discovered. I took her advice by not revealing but did not fully flee the situation. I thought moving on would be feasible, but the guilt I experience is more from not being fully honest months ago versus having the A. I am aware that if my spouse were to find out the entire truth at this point, months later, he would be outraged!!!!

 

 

Outraged, one could only hope. More likely to be pissed enough to leave...as would be his right.

[NoIDidn't]

Jennie, yes it would indeed.

 

Look protecting others from pain is very admirable, indeed.

 

Protecting others from the pain originated and caused by your actions is something entirely different.

 

It's self-serving, somewhat manipulative and.....condescending, IMHO. Not a catalyst for true growth, either individually or in ANY relationship worth having, whatsoever.

 

I mean, WHOSE PAIN are you really protecting here????

 

Your own.[/QUOTE]

 

Spark, you are one of the nicest and wisest BSs on LS. Why did you then feel the need to put the two last lines in your post? Why would you feel the urge to back up your opinion with a personal attack on me? This is what makes BSs look so bad. Just state your opinions, don't attack people.

 

JJ, you are quite trigger happy. She wasn't even talking about *YOU*. She was using a GENERAL *you*. She is speaking to DI, but speaking about a general *you*.

 

Seriously, she doesn't make BSs look bad. But being a poster that's always looking for an attack makes you look pretty trigger happy and over nothing at that.

[jennie-jennie]

 

 

JJ, you are quite trigger happy. She wasn't even talking about *YOU*. She was using a GENERAL *you*. She is speaking to DI, but speaking about a general *you*.

 

Seriously, she doesn't make BSs look bad. But being a poster that's always looking for an attack makes you look pretty trigger happy and over nothing at that.

 

Hmm, when people start a post with my name, I tend to believe they are speaking to me.

 

Spark, if NID is correct that those last two lines were not directed to me, then I take back what I said about personal attack. It does make sense in regard to the other posts I have read by you.

[Devil Inside]

I hear everything that you all are saying. Spark...of course I am not some martyr...a lot of this has to do with me avoiding conflict. It is going to hurt her really bad...and I am dreading going through that.

 

JJ...thanks for understanding that I am trying to clear my head before doing what I am going to do. You always get me.

 

In the end I will make the decisions that are best for me. Confessing the A may or may not happen. If I leave my marrriage I definitely won't add the confession as a parting shot...what good would it do. If I stay...then it will probably happen in the controlled and safe environment of MC...where someone can help us through it.

 

When I caught my W having an EA a few years back she said that she was going to end it before I found out. She said that she never wanted to tell me because it was over. She said that if I ever did the same, and it was over, she would not want to know. I'm not using this as an excuse, but I am not going to drop a bomb if it is not necessary.

 

Thanks for the feedback...it really helps. Now all you all quit fighting. You are too smart for that.

[foreal]

Just look at NS how much time he has to spend on dealing with his W's emotions. There is hardly any room left for the WS to deal with his own. I am not saying NS should not be there for his wife, or DI for that matter, just that "there is a time for every purpose under heaven". You know it is like traveling on an airplane with a child and the oxygen masks fall down. You need to put the mask on your own face before you put it on the child's. Coincidently this turns out to be both the most self-preserving and altruistic thing you can do.

 

DevilInside

 

I do understand what JJ is saying here. My H was a wreck once my emotions went off the charts (and have stayed pretty high up there). There is hardly any room left for him to deal with his own ***dupness, and that is what you are going thru now, but it will get worse once your W gets the whole story.

 

There were times I did wish I knew about the A, but after he got his emotional shyt together. B/c it was and is really rough on him, there is no doubt, to try and keep up with me.

 

However, at this point, after having gone thru over 4 months of this, I am grateful that he is being emotionally intimate with me, as difficult as it was/is to hear and as painful as it was/is to process...the good as well as the sometimes hurtful things I learn, from him, are the things that bring us closer- it helps to build Trust. When my H is emotionally intimate with me, it demonstrates trust between us- Without trust, what kind of M would I have?

 

As far as putting the mask on yourself in an airplane anology- that makes sense, however, I think it is intended for children and/or people who are incapacitated. While your wife may appear she is incapacitated at times (emotionally that is), she is a grown woman, not a child. And you are husband and wife.

 

And with all that being said, JJ still has a valid point- I would suggest talking with your IC about it first. But your wife deserves to know asap.

 

And by the way...what did you think of your wife the very first time you saw her? Did she kinda blend in, or did she stand out to you?