Affair sex

[NoIDidn't]

When I caught my W having an EA a few years back she said that she was going to end it before I found out. She said that she never wanted to tell me because it was over. She said that if I ever did the same, and it was over, she would not want to know. I'm not using this as an excuse, but I am not going to drop a bomb if it is not necessary.

 

 

Wow, my H didn't quite *catch* me having an EA, but I was reconnecting with an ex and was backing off because I didn't want to "go there", and I told him the same thing.

 

I wouldn't want to know if a decision has been made - be it staying or leaving. I will know the end result when it arrives. I don't want to know unless I am ready to deal with it. Sounds like your W is very similar.

[NoIDidn't]

As far as putting the mask on yourself in an airplane anology- that makes sense, however, I think it is intended for children and/or people who are incapacitated. While your wife may appear she is incapacitated at times (emotionally that is), she is a grown woman, not a child. And you are husband and wife.

 

I like this. Two adults. Both capable of making adult decisions.

 

Well put!

[Gamine]

I think DI's position of not telling his wife the truth should be made the subject of a new thread entitled "All about me". Self preservation is a knee jerk reaction. Nobility, honor, self respect, respect for others, integrity, maturity, and brass ones requires honesty. The affair confusion may very well come to a screeching halt when you confess it. Like NS, you may find that what you think you feel isn't real at all in the light of day. You may find that it is. Notwithstanding, you have to hold whatever it is swirling around in your mind up to the light of day to determine if is REAL. You don't know and that is your confusion. If it isn't you may face the loss of the fantasy but be returned to sanity. You may face the loss of your marriage but you will do it with a backbone.

 

You married a woman and made her your wife. Regardless of what your needs are DI you have to stop putting yourself first and remember what you promised this woman. Even if the confession leads to a fire storm she should be permitted this and you owe her an honest explanation. Do do otherwise is immoral.

 

I'm glad that someone in your shoes 'gets you'. It is the blind leading the blind I am afraid ... and you know where that very well might take you.

 

Face the music. Do the right thing. Polish your brass. Stand up. Admit. Decide. Atone. Fix it... even if that means divorce. But don't rob your wife of her self respect. That would be unforgivable I'm afraid.

[NoIDidn't]

I think DI's position of not telling his wife the truth should be made the subject of a new thread entitled "All about me". Self preservation is a knee jerk reaction. Nobility, honor, self respect, respect for others, integrity, maturity, and brass ones requires honesty. The affair confusion may very well come to a screeching halt when you confess it. Like NS, you may find that what you think you feel isn't real at all in the light of day. You may find that it is. Notwithstanding, you have to hold whatever it is swirling around in your mind up to the light of day to determine if is REAL. You don't know and that is your confusion. If it isn't you may face the loss of the fantasy but be returned to sanity. You may face the loss of your marriage but you will do it with a backbone.

 

You married a woman and made her your wife. Regardless of what your needs are DI you have to stop putting yourself first and remember what you promised this woman. Even if the confession leads to a fire storm she should be permitted this and you owe her an honest explanation. Do do otherwise is immoral.

 

I'm glad that someone in your shoes 'gets you'. It is the blind leading the blind I am afraid ... and you know where that very well might take you.

 

Face the music. Do the right thing. Polish your brass. Stand up. Admit. Decide. Atone. Fix it... even if that means divorce. But don't rob your wife of her self respect. That would be unforgivable I'm afraid.

 

Wonderful post!

 

While I am not in the "tell her" corner, I am not at all in the "don't tell her to protect yourself" corner either. It will take thoughtful consideration of how to tell her.

 

I think this post offers a kind way to look at his predicament and the best way out of it. All things done in the dark do eventually get revealed in the light. This really is no different.

[Sanafa]

I think DI's position of not telling his wife the truth should be made the subject of a new thread entitled "All about me". Self preservation is a knee jerk reaction. Nobility, honor, self respect, respect for others, integrity, maturity, and brass ones requires honesty. The affair confusion may very well come to a screeching halt when you confess it. Like NS, you may find that what you think you feel isn't real at all in the light of day. You may find that it is. Notwithstanding, you have to hold whatever it is swirling around in your mind up to the light of day to determine if is REAL. You don't know and that is your confusion. If it isn't you may face the loss of the fantasy but be returned to sanity. You may face the loss of your marriage but you will do it with a backbone.

 

You married a woman and made her your wife. Regardless of what your needs are DI you have to stop putting yourself first and remember what you promised this woman. Even if the confession leads to a fire storm she should be permitted this and you owe her an honest explanation. Do do otherwise is immoral.

 

I'm glad that someone in your shoes 'gets you'. It is the blind leading the blind I am afraid ... and you know where that very well might take you.

 

Face the music. Do the right thing. Polish your brass. Stand up. Admit. Decide. Atone. Fix it... even if that means divorce. But don't rob your wife of her self respect. That would be unforgivable I'm afraid.

 

Gamine

 

You are back to judging especially the " otherwise is immoral"

 

Many people, including several MC/IC and BS would tend to agree that not giving information has it's benefits... to ALL.

 

Again, I understand that maybe it strikes a cord, hence the strong assertion on your part... but to suggest that others who perhaps are don't see it your way is the "blind leading the blind"...doesn't sit well.

 

Can I ask you? Did your husband confess or did you find out?

 

Most A's are found out... especially those that are as long as DI and most A's would not have ended without a DDay..often more than one ( that baffles me... who would ever want to go through that more than once!)

 

I understand your views but when you start suggesting immoral imo, you are placing "should" on him... and that is not your call or imo anyone's.

[bentnotbroken]

Then ignore her posts. She has every right to call him on his crap. He has made the decision for another and that isn't right. She isn't a child. He is only covering his on assets to make himself feel better. Just like NS did to his wife for years. When she finds out, she will be left to wonder what parts of her life were true and which ones were the scenes in a drama he created. No one should have to wonder about their life and what it meant.

[Sanafa]

Then ignore her posts. She has every right to call him on his crap. He has made the decision for another and that isn't right. She isn't a child. He is only covering his on assets to make himself feel better. Just like NS did to his wife for years. When she finds out, she will be left to wonder what parts of her life were true and which ones were the scenes in a drama he created. No one should have to wonder about their life and what it meant.

 

What is it today with everyone telling everyone what to do.

 

I will not ignore her posts, but thank you.

 

DI has been extremely honest sharing all his challenges. Simply because he and SEVERAL MC's IC's disagree does not give anyone the right to suggest someone is immoral.

 

Gamine just shared how she tries to not judge.... calling someone immoral is nothing short of it

 

And frankly ANYONE sitting behind a keyboard who does not personally know another is the LAST person that should be sitting in judgement

 

Those in glass houses.....

[bentnotbroken]

If calling a duck a duck, then she is judging. It is all about self preservation and no amount of make up, pearls or perfume on that pig will make it anything other than a pig.

[NoIDidn't]

Again, I understand that maybe it strikes a cord, hence the strong assertion on your part... but to suggest that others who perhaps are don't see it your way is the "blind leading the blind"...doesn't sit well..

 

Then my take on it is definitely not going to sit well.

 

I've noticed this phenomenon on the boards. It usually goes one of two ways with a MM posting in this forum or in Infidelity.

 

Either the OW jump all over him for having the nerve to be honest of his thoughts concerning some of his actions during the A, OR, they love his seeming elevation of the OW over his W and relate to him a lot. It rarely goes any other way.

 

DI, though, is actually managing to go right down the middle. He's been respectful of both his W AND the OW. That's a rarity. But its probably because he really has no idea of what he wants right now. The A is over. The MW is staying married (as far as I know). So its not about whether or not he would go to her. Its about his M. So he's being pushed by the BSs to examine himself and his motives concerning his marriage.

 

Which leads to my point, that I don't think that you are going to like. JJ is an OW. She "gets him" because she is currently dealing with someone in his position. She is basically doing what she does in her A - encouraging him to keep secrets that don't benefit his M, only him (or his A if he was still in it).

 

Gamine wasn't talking about differing view points. I really think she was saying "consider the source", and no offense to "the source" is intended in my saying this.

 

And I realize this can certainly be taken both ways. Yet, I don't see a BW telling him to tell his W as the "blind leading the blind". I see that more as him respecting her enough to give her a choice in her own life. The OW already had that, the BW did not.

[Sanafa]

If calling a duck a duck, then she is judging. It is all about self preservation and no amount of make up, pearls or perfume on that pig will make it anything other than a pig.

 

Again... than why would anyone stay with a WS??????????????????

 

That being either the BS or OW

 

Seriously..... the assumptions are shocking and if judgement is here with someone who really is being honest... god help anyone who struggle with mmm, I don't know.......... Life....mistakes, confusion.

 

You want to argue, but many professionals would sit in DI corner. Several suggest keeping it to yourself ... So I guess they all roll in the mud with the pig:rolleyes:

[MistyK]

T

The MW is staying married (as far as I know). So its not about whether or not he would go to her.

 

She was single. She divorced during the A.

[Sanafa]

Then my take on it is definitely not going to sit well.

 

I've noticed this phenomenon on the boards. It usually goes one of two ways with a MM posting in this forum or in Infidelity.

 

Either the OW jump all over him for having the nerve to be honest of his thoughts concerning some of his actions during the A, OR, they love his seeming elevation of the OW over his W and relate to him a lot. It rarely goes any other way.

 

DI, though, is actually managing to go right down the middle. He's been respectful of both his W AND the OW. That's a rarity. But its probably because he really has no idea of what he wants right now. The A is over. The MW is staying married (as far as I know). So its not about whether or not he would go to her. Its about his M. So he's being pushed by the BSs to examine himself and his motives concerning his marriage.

 

Which leads to my point, that I don't think that you are going to like. JJ is an OW. She "gets him" because she is currently dealing with someone in his position. She is basically doing what she does in her A - encouraging him to keep secrets that don't benefit his M, only him (or his A if he was still in it).

 

Gamine wasn't talking about differing view points. I really think she was saying "consider the source", and no offense to "the source" is intended in my saying this.

 

And I realize this can certainly be taken both ways. Yet, I don't see a BW telling him to tell his W as the "blind leading the blind". I see that more as him respecting her enough to give her a choice in her own life. The OW already had that, the BW did not.

 

All in the wording NID. all in the wording.

 

Gamine stated " immoral" that I have issue with. ANYONE calling someone immoral for decisions in their life.... IMO is over stepping.

 

It is one thing to state an opinion another to pass judgement when one doesn't seem to be walking in your direction.

 

And I agree about DI... it is rare that you will find such honesty or someone being so respectful to both.

 

I don't know about anyone else... but I have never attacked a MM for returning to the marriage.. and to clarify if we are talking about NotSure... I had no issue with him ending the affair but did and do find it astonishing the speed in which he did a 180... personally I am not buying what he is selling but has nothing to do with the choice he made.

[NoIDidn't]

She was single. She divorced during the A.

 

 

Thanks, Misty.

 

Its getting hard to keep stories together when we have two MM on the boards that both met their OWs via married dating sites.

[bentnotbroken]

Again... than why would anyone stay with a WS??????????????????

 

That being either the BS or OW

 

Seriously..... the assumptions are shocking and if judgement is here with someone who really is being honest... god help anyone who struggle with mmm, I don't know.......... Life....mistakes, confusion.

 

You want to argue, but many professionals would sit in DI corner. Several suggest keeping it to yourself ... So I guess they all roll in the mud with the pig:rolleyes:

 

 

And there are equally as many therapists on the other side of the coin that say honesty is part of being a responsible human being and that a pattern of lying to avoid conflict is neither healthy or good for personal growth. It also always other ADULTS the opportunity to make decisions about their lives. I get it that most people involved in A don't give a rat's behind about the BS having the truth to make choices for themselves, but they sure as heck made the decision for themselves to add injury to BS's life without the opportunity to fix it the way they see fit.

[NoIDidn't]

And I agree about DI... it is rare that you will find such honesty or someone being so respectful to both.

 

Very rare, indeed.

 

 

I don't know about anyone else... but I have never attacked a MM for returning to the marriage.. and to clarify if we are talking about NotSure... I had no issue with him ending the affair but did and do find it astonishing the speed in which he did a 180... personally I am not buying what he is selling but has nothing to do with the choice he made.

 

Oh no, I wasn't thinking of NS when I referenced MM. There have been many, MANY MM on the Infidelity boards over the few years that I have been here. And most, were very confused in similar ways to DI and NS. But some were clearly not respectful of their W OR their OW. And they were basically run off the boards by their arrogance and mean-spiritedness, and by posters that had had enough of it. LOL

[Dexter Morgan]

I am so much happier in my affair with extraordinary and frequent sex than in my (second) long term relationship with OK but not frequent enough sex.

 

then why be in a relationship where you can have an affair? why not just be single?

 

if you don't like relationships, don't enter them.

 

and why do you feel the need to be an accomplice to pissing on someone elses relationship? seems you get off on it instead of finding a single guy.

[Sanafa]

And there are equally as many therapists on the other side of the coin that say honesty is part of being a responsible human being and that a pattern of lying to avoid conflict is neither healthy or good for personal growth. It also always other ADULTS the opportunity to make decisions about their lives. I get it that most people involved in A don't give a rat's behind about the BS having the truth to make choices for themselves, but they sure as heck made the decision for themselves to add injury to BS's life without the opportunity to fix it the way they see fit.

 

Exactly

 

So if the Councilors are divided, how can you say anyone is "right or wrong".

 

It is your opinion... that I am fine with... it is when things like being immoral or self centered start being specifically directed at a individual for THIER decision.....that as you just said even has the professionals divided.

 

It's the judgement.... no one has that right... no one.

 

Let's face it... his A is over

 

One of two things will happen

 

He will come to a decision and decide to fully commit to his marriage or he will choose to end it and move forward alone

 

Regardless, the A is over....... and he has said if he decides to stay in the marriage he will ask for help telling her with MC. If and when she finds out, she will be fully in control of what she chooses. But do you honestly think telling her and THEN saying sorry, I still want out benifits. We are talking about LASTING wounds... they don't go away...they become manageable....why on god's earth would you not understand why he doesn't want to do that yet?

 

For the love of god, not everyone has to dance to the same tune and they certainly don't need judgement passed on them simply because they have a different Opinion.

[Dexter Morgan]

Again... than why would anyone stay with a WS??????????????????

 

well for once I agree with you. I sure as hell wouldn't, and didn't

[bentnotbroken]

Exactly

 

So if the Councilors are divided, how can you say anyone is "right or wrong".

 

It is your opinion... that I am fine with... it is when things like being immoral or self centered start being specifically directed at a individual for THIER decision.....that as you just said even has the professionals divided.

 

It's the judgement.... no one has that right... no one.

 

Let's face it... his A is over

 

One of two things will happen

 

He will come to a decision and decide to fully commit to his marriage or he will choose to end it and move forward alone

 

Regardless, the A is over....... and he has said if he decides to stay in the marriage he will ask for help telling her with MC. If and when she finds out, she will be fully in control of what she chooses. But do you honestly think telling her and THEN saying sorry, I still want out benifits. We are talking about LASTING wounds... they don't go away...they become manageable....why on god's earth would you not understand why he doesn't want to do that yet?

 

For the love of god, not everyone has to dance to the same tune and they certainly don't need judgement passed on them simply because they have a different Opinion.

 

 

 

Exactly. For the love of God...do what is right for her, not for himself. That's called Godly love. It doesn't mean in love, lusting love and certainly not affair love. But as you said....love of God. I honestly don't care what tune he dances to, but the truth is just that...the truth. I told him the exact same thing I have told everyone who is out to save their own skin.....that is my opinion. If it bothers you what others opinions are an open forum isn't the place because it might hurt your sensibilities.

[Dexter Morgan]

It's the judgement.... no one has that right... no one.

 

everyone has the right, sorry.

 

this whole notion of "you have no right to judge".....phffft. please.

 

now if you want to put a qualifier on it, then I'd say if I agreed that certain people don't have the "right" to judge, it would be the ones who have done just as wrong as the ones they are judging.

 

case in point, I have never cheated, never slept with someones spouse, and never will do either....so sorry, I'll say what I like.

 

now someone that is a cheater has the "right" to judge another cheater....but they'd be a big hypocrite in doing so and only will look like a real dumbass doing it.

[Sanafa]

Exactly. For the love of God...do what is right for her, not for himself. That's called Godly love. It doesn't mean in love, lusting love and certainly not affair love. But as you said....love of God. I honestly don't care what tune he dances to, but the truth is just that...the truth. I told him the exact same thing I have told everyone who is out to save their own skin.....that is my opinion. If it bothers you what others opinions are an open forum isn't the place because it might hurt your sensibilities.

 

Doesn't hurt me at all.....sanctimonious.... but no value to me either way....

 

since your analogy was they are 'all pigs" I am curious... do you preach for all BS to leave their WS?

 

I mean really, most are not nearly as respectful or remorseful as DI...so how do you support the BS spending years to rebuild with the pigs?

 

Clearly not my view... just asking based on yours

[Spark1111]

Jennie, yes it would indeed.

 

Look protecting others from pain is very admirable, indeed.

 

Protecting others from the pain originated and caused by your actions is something entirely different.

 

It's self-serving, somewhat manipulative and.....condescending, IMHO. Not a catalyst for true growth, either individually or in ANY relationship worth having, whatsoever.

 

I mean, WHOSE PAIN are you really protecting here????

 

Your own.[/QUOTE]

 

Spark, you are one of the nicest and wisest BSs on LS. Why did you then feel the need to put the two last lines in your post? Why would you feel the urge to back up your opinion with a personal attack on me? This is what makes BSs look so bad. Just state your opinions, don't attack people.

 

Jennie, the post was intended for DI, not you. Sorry if I did not make that clear.

[Spark1111]

I think DI's position of not telling his wife the truth should be made the subject of a new thread entitled "All about me". Self preservation is a knee jerk reaction. Nobility, honor, self respect, respect for others, integrity, maturity, and brass ones requires honesty. The affair confusion may very well come to a screeching halt when you confess it. Like NS, you may find that what you think you feel isn't real at all in the light of day. You may find that it is. Notwithstanding, you have to hold whatever it is swirling around in your mind up to the light of day to determine if is REAL. You don't know and that is your confusion. If it isn't you may face the loss of the fantasy but be returned to sanity. You may face the loss of your marriage but you will do it with a backbone.

 

You married a woman and made her your wife. Regardless of what your needs are DI you have to stop putting yourself first and remember what you promised this woman. Even if the confession leads to a fire storm she should be permitted this and you owe her an honest explanation. Do do otherwise is immoral.

 

I'm glad that someone in your shoes 'gets you'. It is the blind leading the blind I am afraid ... and you know where that very well might take you.

 

Face the music. Do the right thing. Polish your brass. Stand up. Admit. Decide. Atone. Fix it... even if that means divorce. But don't rob your wife of her self respect. That would be unforgivable I'm afraid.

 

Gamine, couldn't agree more! Either the affair acts as a wake call to repair the marriage, or it is its final death knell. So, treating the spouse as a grown up, capable of making grown up choices, is the first respectful act of atonement one can make.

[Spark1111]

I hear everything that you all are saying. Spark...of course I am not some martyr...a lot of this has to do with me avoiding conflict. It is going to hurt her really bad...and I am dreading going through that.

 

JJ...thanks for understanding that I am trying to clear my head before doing what I am going to do. You always get me.

 

In the end I will make the decisions that are best for me. Confessing the A may or may not happen. If I leave my marrriage I definitely won't add the confession as a parting shot...what good would it do. If I stay...then it will probably happen in the controlled and safe environment of MC...where someone can help us through it.

 

When I caught my W having an EA a few years back she said that she was going to end it before I found out. She said that she never wanted to tell me because it was over. She said that if I ever did the same, and it was over, she would not want to know. I'm not using this as an excuse, but I am not going to drop a bomb if it is not necessary.

 

Thanks for the feedback...it really helps. Now all you all quit fighting. You are too smart for that.

 

Clear your head. It takes two to three months for your dopamine levels to reach stasis. Make your decision. Have you started or even suggested MC to your spouse?

 

I am so impressed by the questions you are asking yourself. They are right on target.

 

If you do decide to commit to the marriage, disclose the A for her sake (all the reasons I have already mentioned) and for YOUR sake.

 

Living the next 20 to 30 years in a marriage with a secret of this magnitude between you, will erode your ability to have a truly intimate and loving relationship with your wife.

[bentnotbroken]

Doesn't hurt me at all.....sanctimonious.... but no value to me either way....

 

since your analogy was they are 'all pigs" I am curious... do you preach for all BS to leave their WS?

 

I mean really, most are not nearly as respectful or remorseful as DI...so how do you support the BS spending years to rebuild with the pigs?

 

Clearly not my view... just asking based on yours

 

 

I make a distinction. Pigs are never clean. Continuing to lie about having an affair isn't coming clean. A WS who admits to the all the things they have done. If the BS feels like they can trust without constantly punishing the WS...go for it. DI's remorse isn't a question for me. I believe he is remorseful. But he isn't remorseful enough to be honest.