how to make friends? sounds ridiculous, but any thoughts?

[yes]

I'm one of these people who has a ton of acquaintances, but almost no real friends. The few people i do consider friends are shaky because they're guys who've expressed liking me in the past, so it's a bit different from just a friendship.

 

It seems everybody makes friends as they grow up. I didn't really, and i also moved to a diff't country in my teens, which didn't help at all.

 

I'm OK on my own, i'm not one of those people who cannot handle having lunch alone. However, I do crave some true connections that go beyond small talk and keeping up with events in each other's lives.

 

The message I've gotten from my parents throughout my life is that making friends is "dangerous" because opening up to people will likely end in them gossiping about you, envying you, etc. - so it's only OK to be open (and even then, not fully) with one's SO.

 

Well, my love-life hasn't been blossoming, and lately i've realized that relying on romantic interests to provide these simple human connections is ridiculous. But, it seems everybody already has friends - i don't really know how to become closer with people. I don't wanna be annoying or seem desperate.

 

Also, do you think it's possible to be friends with guys who like you as more than that? Is it cruel?

 

Any tips or comments?

 

thanks,

-yes

[monkey00]

Originally posted by yes

The message I've gotten from my parents throughout my life is that making friends is "dangerous" because opening up to people will likely end in them gossiping about you, envying you, etc. - so it's only OK to be open (and even then, not fully) with one's SO.

 

 

I disagree with what your parents taught you throughout life. if you make the decision to think that way, it'll be hard to make real friends instead of acquaintences. I mean if you think about it, why would someone open up to you if you dont open up to them?? correct?

And people who gossip etc are just nosey people who have nothing else better to do with their time who dont mind their own business. the majority of my experiences in the past, that has rarely or never happened to me. so yea you should do the complete opposite of what your parents said, BE OPEN, SHARE your life/experiences/interests/Ideas with others to make good friends. If you dont share, you're just basically making an acquantence, If you want your acquantences to become friends you shoudl share more about yourself with them.

 

 

Also, do you think it's possible to be friends with guys who like you as more than that? Is it cruel?

 

YES it's possible!!

but YOU have to make it clear to them that you are only friends and nothing more. If they choose to believe that they'll eventually be head over heels for them, then thats their problem it wont be your fault at all. just be clear to them that all you want is their friendship

[monkey00]

i forgot to mention for starters if you want to make the person into your friend....

you should first ask him/her about themselves ask them what they did over the weekend, what kind of food they like to eat...ETC.

JUST show interest, showing interest within someone will portray that you're an open minded person who wants to get to know them better.

throughout this process you will be making good friends, and making friends into lovers. who knows??

its up to you what you make out of it

 

it sounds to me like your parents are insecure people. dont turn out to be like them.

if you put yourself into solitude. how will you ever know how your life could've turned out??

putting a barrier around yourself by not sharing yourself with them is not the way to go....so just break through that barrier and let the penetration begin

[yes]

thanks for your advice, monkey0, it sounds very logical. i've been starting to open up to ppl, but i'm still in the stage of "what if my parents are right and it'll only get me in trouble?!" - i suppose i just need a lil while to get over that, to see that these ppl do not turn around and harm me.

 

the subject of this post is haha because of your last sentence:

"so just break through that barrier and let the penetration begin" ... no pun intended? lol

 

-yes

[EnigmaXOXO]

I don't think friendships can be forced, rather they just happen naturally. And I've always preferred quality to quantity, myself. I have met some truly amazing and interesting people in my life, but can only count on one hand those friendships I would choose nurture for a lifetime.

 

I have also had several male friends who's company I really enjoyed, but I believe it was always left to me, as the female, to define those boundaries. Unfortunately, on the few occasions when that platonic relationship began to evolve into something more, I found less free time to spend with my single friends...be they male or female. Naturally, some of us drifted apart and our lives and situations changed. But every now and then, we'll take a moment to check in and catch up, and it's almost as if no time has passed at all...

 

And THOSE, for me, are the BEST kind of friends to have!!

[yes]

don't think friendships can be forced, rather they just happen naturally.

----------

 

 

true, but i think my mindset has forced them not to happen. or perhaps i'm truly not the kind of person who can be close friends with anyone...

 

-yes

[monkey00]

Originally posted by yes

 

the subject of this post is haha because of your last sentence:

"so just break through that barrier and let the penetration begin" ... no pun intended? lol

 

-yes

 

yea...something else came to mind when i was writing that line...LoL

 

 

enigma: yes friendships cannot be forced...

 

It's also up to the other person if they want to make a friend or not. I know several acquantences in college but they made the desicion not to know me better or make me a friend of theirs. I mean, you may have an intention of making a friend....but the kind of vibe they send out is easy to tell....being whether or not they want to be a "hi" "bye" "how's it going" aacquantence. so usuually if i get the vibe that they dont want to be a friend, then there's really nothing i can do.

 

Dont forget a lot of people already feel "secure" and dont see a future need to make any more friends. as they see they are happy and secure being around the ones they already have. thats why in life, there are double or triples times the amount of acquantences you have compared to friends. making friends is time investing, so thats also a reason why many choose not to make friends

[yes]

Dont forget a lot of people already feel "secure" and dont see a future need to make any more friends. as they see they are happy and secure being around the ones they already have. thats why in life, there are double or triples times the amount of acquantences you have compared to friends. making friends is time investing, so thats also a reason why many choose not to make friends

-----------------------

 

Yeah, I often feel like people already have all the friends they need because they grew up with their friends, or lived in the same dorm, or something very bonding like that.

 

I agree that friends take up time - but it's fully worth it, it's just too lonely without them. People are wired to share their joys and sorrows, it seems...

 

As for the vibe thing, i think this is very important for me because people have told me i seem snobby and shallow until they got to know me better (although i've been getting better in terms of being friendly). So - how can I emit more of a i-wanna-be-friends vibe? There're some people around me who i respect and like, and would like to be friends with, and they do communicate with me, but somehow i never end up in the small group of friends - i'm always only part of a larger crowd...

 

-yes

[monkey00]

Originally posted by yes

 

As for the vibe thing, i think this is very important for me because people have told me i seem snobby and shallow until they got to know me better (although i've been getting better in terms of being friendly). So - how can I emit more of a i-wanna-be-friends vibe? There're some people around me who i respect and like, and would like to be friends with, and they do communicate with me, but somehow i never end up in the small group of friends - i'm always only part of a larger crowd...

 

-yes

 

#1 rule - Smile always

is it possible that your situation might be because you dont smile enough?? people that smile often are usually placed into the "freindly, open-minded, easy to talk to,fun" category.

how often would YOU approach a person to talk to (other than being interested in them) if they were A. smiling or B. NOT smiling. well thats the best and #1 thing you can start off with the i-wanna-be-friends vibe.

But as i said earlier, its also up to the other person if they want to get to know you better or be just a 'hi' 'bye' kinda person.

 

When i hang out with my close female friend, im usually just part of a larger crowd (only when going drinking). it's hard to really "be" part of the crowd because they already feel security in their crowd and feel no need to get to know you.

I myself have a group of friends...nothing really great...but more like hang out buddies doing stuff every friday. ive known them from my HS years and we still go hang out every so often together...theyre all guys so..u know...its an all guys night out!

 

yes everyone wants to feel a sense of belonging in this world...if you were part of the group of friends and were treated as all equals including you, you'd be satisfied by that alone, no?

 

come to think of it...the best way i would have to agree on in creating a group of friends where everyoen knows each other very well is possibly the gym and club, i mean you guys all already share the same interest!!

[yes]

yes everyone wants to feel a sense of belonging in this world...if you were part of the group of friends and were treated as all equals including you, you'd be satisfied by that alone, no?

----------------------

i think so! as much as i enjoy meeting new people, i wish there were some ppl i'm truly close with. people who like and accept me the way i am, seek my help and ear and company, and offer the same in return, and who're not my family.

 

Regarding smiling, that may be a part of it. I'll keep an eye on it, thanks!

 

"they already feel security in their crowd and feel no need to get to know you" - precisely my feelings about most cliques at college. I was part of a clique in second year, but it was centered around my ex, so needless to say i stopped hanging out with them when we broke up.

 

I've been making an effort to approach people, make it known that i'm available to meet up and what-not. No big progress so far, except i'm getting less & less shy. I guess it's going to take a while to see real progress.

 

A club is a good idea - i am in a club and i know many people who share an avid interest of mine, yet again - small groups form, and i'm never part of them. Everybody's nice to me, but i feel excluded.

 

I suppose it's partly my illusion that everybody has close friends. Like you said, Monkey0, it could be just a bunch of people who hang out now-n-then, no real closeness going on.

 

MM, somewhat complicated stuff.

 

-yes

[Joey]

Hi Yes!

 

I think I recognize how you feel,

 

Intimacy like trust takes time,

 

Often, I think, people gather 'round socalled "interests" for the primary purpose of bonding, forgetting 'bout themselves, filling out time in good company, feeling connected.

 

If one at times feel a little rootless, perhaps having travelled round ones childhood, putting down roots doesn't always seem like an obvious option.

 

Perhaps sometimes one should permit oneself to let go an do so, feel at home that is.

 

take care,

 

Joey

[Sunrain]

I enjoyed reading all the posts on your topic, yes. I am in the same boat as you. I "know" a zillion people but don't have 1 close friend. I had friends in the past but many of them drifted away or died. A lot of my friends had problems that led to their demise. I am sort of afraid of making them for fear of abandonment. So, I guess we both have a sort of fear about this thing.

 

I, too, can do anything alone and am not terribley distraught by it.

 

About people gossipping, there are those who do and even make things up about others. Other people usually can see through them if they are smart enough. But I think it's sort of human to gossip unfortunately and a hard thing to get away from. I learned that when I want something kept private (because of people's tendency to gossip) I should ask the person if he/she will keep it confidential because it's important to me.

 

People can also be judging and form the incorrect impression of us no matter what we do. Many people project their own faults onto others without knowing them and think they can judge a book by it's cover. But we know that not to be true--the book needs to be read first. Hope I make sense here.

 

I have gotten used to my lack of friends though I am going to join some kind of group or org to meet people at some point. I don't feel really sociable now and really haven't smiled much either. I have to force myself to smile and that looks strange sometimes but I still do it. I just had a major loss in my life so I may join a grief support group and or a church, too.

 

Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. There are many who don't have friends and who can't make them easily. Take care.

[yes]

thanks for all these replies! =)

 

the main thing you made me realize is that duh - it takes time! i've been very closed-up my whole life, and if i'm only starting to experiment with opening up to people, of course it's gonna take a while to become close friends with someone. it's too bad i'll never have these going-back-to-childhood (or school) ties, but at least i keep in touch with some people from my highschool. i didn't make any close friends in college, but perhaps it'll happen during graduate studies... there's always hope.

 

-yes