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Balancing an intimate friendship


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Struggling with friendship that could easily head towards romance...we both want it to go there but for various reasons it shouldn't and can't...right now. We both have unresolved marriage problems but if we were both "free", we'd be way more involved with each other. We want to keep the strong and intimate friendship but want to be careful it doesn't develop into something we can't handle right now. Any ideas as how to balance this?

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You're married.

 

She's married.

 

Sounds like you're both looking for some validation outside of your respective marriages. Entirely understandable. But you know in your heart of hearts that it's wrong, don't you?

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Oyster,

when you say "balance", what does that mean for you? Sort of, if you could "balance" this potentially hurtful/damaging relationship, how would it 'look and feel' to you? How would you feel about it? What experience(s) would you be having both within and outside of this relationship?

 

Possibly once you get clearer on those types of things, you'll be able to see if, where and how you can achieve whatever type of "balance" you're desiring -- but you'll need to know more about that "balance" before you can determine anything else. If that makes sense?

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Oyster---

 

I read your previous thread too.

 

You sound like you're seeking validation for an affair, although I'll credit the fact that you seem stressed about it.

 

Extra marital affairs are simply never okay. There is always a right way to handle things and I hope that you'll choose the right way.

 

I suspect that your "intimate friendship" is contributing to the problems of both of your marriages. People who are involved in EAs (emotional affairs) psychologically rewrite their marriages in their minds to justify their behavior in their own minds.

 

It's almost always hogwash. You're not happy at home because it's away from the carefree tingles of affairyland.

 

Affairyland is neat. There are no bills to pay, sick kids or broken appliances. We don't even have to see the other person. It's like vacation.

 

Marriages take work. You promised "for better or worse" in front of your friends, eh? That was for real, wasn't it?

 

Yeah, reality sucks sometimes. Deal with it. Your "friend" won't seem so attractive when you get to deal with her in reality either, esspecially when you have to do so after sacrificing your self respect to your friends and family.

 

You need a dose of reality more than you need your friend.

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I wouldn't say it was validation of wanting an affair - but assuming both of us have acknowledged feelings for the other, both of us want the friendship to continue at an intimate level (not physically, mind you - we haven't been there), but neither wants our respective marriage to fail, can it even be done? I guess it's back to the old "When Harry Met Sally" theory. I'm not sure it's possible given there are feelings that don't fade, even when we have days of NC. We don't go more than 2 days without some form of contact.

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