How to deal with other women phoning boyfriend? please help

[stardust33]

Have been in an exclusive relationship with my b/f for 2 months now. At the onset, he admitted to me that he'd asked out his hairdresser (a couple of months before meeting me, I believe), they went out but she told him that she'd gotten back together with her boyfriend and was sorry but she obviously couldn't "see him." He says she felt bad, and even went to the trouble of phoning him at home, apologizing, and hoping that her getting back with her boyfriend around the time he'd asked her out, wouldn't stop him from still being friends with her, nor would it stop him from being her customer. He told me then that she would phone him at home from time to time but he would simply screen his calls, recognize her number and not take her call (now if this is true for sure, I do not know).

 

Last night he invited me over to his house, I went. After dinner, his phone rang. He got up to answer it, he was studying the "caller ID", saying he didn't recognize the number. I thought this was strange, gee why not just answer it and find out? My stomach sort of sank because he seemed to be acting peculiarly...why not just answer the phone? Conveniently, his answering machine was "full" and couldn't accept any more messages (why someone would save 45 messages and not just delete them is beyond me, but...)

 

After it finally stopped ringing (around 10 times), he was (or was pretending) to puzzle over whose number it was. He kept saying it looked familiar but he couldn't place it. Then, he proclaimed it was "the hairdresser" calling him. I asked him why she was still phoning him? He claimed to not know. I asked him didn't he just pick up the phone and see what she wanted (this was a Friday night at at least 9pm), and if she was calling to ask him out or something, why not just tell her that he was dating someone/in a relationship, but thanks just the same.

 

I felt a little uneasy. He admitted to me that she lives in the same very small town (population 5000) that he lives in.

 

I asked why he didn't bother to just answer the phone. His response was (and I am not sure, at the time, that I was buying it) "I never answer the phone if I don't recognize the number."

 

I guess after this, as hard as I tried not to let it show, it bothered me. It almost seemed like he was trying to hide something. If nothing else, he didn't have to admit to me that it was her, he could have just said he really didn't recognize the number though I guess it's good that he was honest.

 

He could sense my mood had changed a bit, and he tried to reassure me that I had, and have, nothing to worry about, that he's not the kind to 2-time on someone and that if he wanted to be with her, he wouldn't be with me.

 

So anyway, I decided to see if his "belief" holds true. I blocked out my number a bit ago, and called his house. On the caller ID, it would say "blocked number"...obviously he wouldn't know who it was...and seeing how he supposedly never answers the phone when it's not a number he recognizes, you wouldn't think he'd answer it, right? Wrong. He did answer.

 

So does that make him a bold faced liar? Does that prove that the only reason he didn't answer the phone last night was because he recognized her number and I was there?

 

Last night before we went to bed, I was trying to joke around about this hairdresser thing, not wanting him to think I was jealous..though he did say he thought it was "cute" that I showed my insecurity (hey, it's not really insecurity, it's more about it being a new relationship, having been cheated on and lied to in the past and just getting uneasy vibes when it appears the guy I'm in a relationship with is not telling the whole truth)....and I said to him, "Well seeing she had no idea accepting a date with you, then telling you when you met that she'd gotten back together with her boyfriend, why wouldn't it be just as easy for you to have taken her call (or take her call in the future, 'cause she'll likely phone again) and told her that YOU have a girlfriend now.

 

His response was, "well I don't want to have that discussion with her when you're here."

 

Say what?

 

What's the big deal? It's not like he was ever in a relationship with her. Why would it be so difficult for him to be honest with her, so that she stops phoning him, by telling him that he's with someone now? Or could it be that there's more to this than I know, or, he doesn't want to burn any bridges?

 

Thoughts from men would be appreciated, I'd love to know what your interpretations of this are. Thank you (women welcome too!)

[HokeyReligions]

Whether he is interested in her or not is something only he knows. But it sounds like he may have been trying to spare your feelings by not having 'that' conversation with her in your presense. Some people just don't like to talk to others on the phone when someone else is present to hear. There are some calls that my husband would rather take, or make, in another room from me, and vice versa.

 

My husbands ex used to call him a lot even after we were engaged. My mom and I had just started sharing an apartment at the time and I guess he gave her our number and she even called and talked to my mother for a while! I don't know if hubby ever saw her after we were together - I never even thought to ask him. I just trusted that he was with me and would either tell me, or leave me, if he was going to see someone else.

 

Maybe he doesn't know how to tell this other girl, or is very uncomfortable with breaking up because he doesn't want to hurt her feelings either, or because in such a small town he is bound to run into her sometimes and it will just seem strange for a while.

 

How much of your distrust is from past relationships and how much is from things he has said or done? You need to seperate the past from this relationship and weigh it on its own merits. It is a very new relationship and some caution is certainly expected. Maybe you need to discuss this with him and just take it slow for a while.

[stardust33]

Yes maybe he was trying to spare my feelings. Maybe it wasn't even really her, maybe it was his ex girlfriend instead, I'll never know. I do know that he acted very strange and uncomfortable, which wasn't like him. I think it's fine for me to be cautious and I don't think I'm dwelling on my past (being cheated on) or allowing how I was treated in the past to weigh too much on things now, I am just being careful. He states he'd never cheat on me, not because of reasons like it would be morally wrong, or it would hurt me, ..but he says it's because he wouldn't "have time" to cheat on me, that his life is too busy. We do spend a lot of time apart, due to our work schedules. Who knows. I likely wouldn't have questioned it had he not acted so ?guilty or uncomfortable when this call came in.

[loverhersomuch]

I am a male who went through some of the issues you are describing with my new g/f. I won't go into the whole story but briefly there was (is) a guy she had dated briefly who kept calling her on weekends asking her to go out; she told me not to worry, they were just friends. Then after we moved in together he continued to call, email and send text messages. Also I later found out she had lied to me, saying she was meeting a friend whom I had met for dinner when in fact it was this guy, and that she had seen him on a couple of other occasions (dinner, drinks, etc.) without telling me about it even though we had been in an exclusive relationship for several months prior.

 

We have mostly worked it out but what it boiled down to was that for many reasons (fear of commitment, desire to feel free and in control, enjoying the attention, etc.) she had not fully closed the door on that relationship. Even though they were not having a physical relationship (I am 99.9% sure of this), she was still enjoying the psychological benefits of this guy's attentions in spite of the fact that we had taken our relationship beyond the dating phase.

 

While a phone call does not mean your boyfriend is cheating, he may also be "keeping his options open" or hasn't yet made the commitment to himself to completely close out that relationship, given that your exclusivity agreement is still relatively new. Let's face it: it is flattering to have someone calling you, wanting your attention, etc. and like a drug, can be hard to walk away from, especially if you are telling yourself no one is really getting hurt.

 

In your shoes and given what I just went (and am going) through, I would explain to him what your expectations are for your relationship and then ask him to decide if he's willing to go along. Make it clear that deceit is not an option and that trust once broken is very difficult (and sometimes impossible) to mend.

 

I'm still fighting with it every day. I love her, I am working on forgiving her, but I will never completely forget what happened. For a while I saw potential lies in everything she did and even today fight to fully trust her when she says she is going to be home late or is meeting a colleague for lunch.

 

If he wants to take a chance and maintain a friendship that he can't be open about or worst case, cheat, there's not much you can do about it; the only thing you can do is to make sure you have been clear in stating your expectations.

 

Good luck.

[stardust33]

thanks alot "lovehersomuch" for your candid response. I'm sorry for what you've had to go through. I personally know how hard it is when you've lost trust, it can eat you up.

 

i've done alot of thinking about all this. my fear is that he's continuing to either take her calls (how do I really know?) or he's screening them truly, because things are still rather "new" with us and he doesn't want to burn any bridges. He was obviously interested in her at one time but because she had a boyfriend, they really didn't date. My thoughts or fears are that she's no longer with that boyfriend, is now single and is trying to hook up with my boyfriend (obviously not aware he's with me). I don't know how to deal with this nagging feeling that he's obviously not "sure" about "us", so he's perhaps "keeping his options open" with her. I guess I will never know for sure, and that's the hardest part. How committed to me is he? He's the one who initially asked if we were "exclusive", telling me he thought we should be, and I agreed. So I have not pushed him into anything. Yet what if I say the wrong thing one day, or do something he doesn't like, will he react by giving her a call and going out for a drink?

 

Last night he came over to see me and I brought "her" up again, asking if she'd called since friday night and he laughed, seemed amused by puzzled that I'd still be thinking about all this. He laughingly said she hadn't. He then pointed out that she'll likely "continue" to call him. This is what i don't understand, though maybe I do? (the thing about not wanting to burn bridges)....why not just be honest with her and tell her that he's not available now. Chances are she wouldn't be wasting her time calling a guy who was in a relationship with someone anyway, right?

 

How can I slowly give myself to someone I fear is having someone in the background as a "backup plan"? or a "Plan B"? Everytime our schedules conflict or he feels like just spending a night at his place by himself, am I going to be worrying that he's out with her? Or that he's hoping she'll call? I don't want to let this fear overtake things, but I really feel strongly that out of respect for me, he should be nipping this in the bud with her, setting her straight (kindly, of course). I would do that if the tables were turned, in a heartbeat.

 

How can I feel "secure" with the knowledge that he's sure she'll continue to call him, and him not wanting to set her straight?

 

I have been cheated on in the past and I know almost every trick in the book when someone is lying or cheating. I don't ever want to go back to that place where there's little or no trust and I'm living with constant knots in my stomach because I fear my guy is up to no good. That's no way to live. But then, I dont' want to overreact and dump him when I could be all wrong.

 

My sense is that he doesn't yet see us as a really serious "couple" yet and until he feels that way (although he calls me his girlfriend), he maybe sees no need to tell anyone "anything" about "us" yet? So how do I know what is what?

 

Should I let each week pass just waiting for the other shoe to drop, to find out he's been meeting with her behind my back, you know, "just as friends", only to be made a fool?

 

I don't know how to deal with this. The beginning stages of a relationship shouldn't involve feeling insecure and untrusting. I don't think. Any suggestions?

[stardust33]

He knows how I feel about this and I've been very careful to try NOT to come across as possessive or jealous or insecure but the night she did call, he did find it amusing, and told me it was "cute" that I seemed insecure. I guess he felt flattered but I would never take pleasure in knowing my new partner felt insecure because of my actions/inaction, I would feel rotten.

 

He knows how I feel, yet I get the sense he doesn't feel he owes me anything at this stage and that I have a problem with. I am good enough to spend time with and have sex with, but not good enough to respect my feelings on a situation that understandably, other women would be leary of, too?

 

I asked him how he'd feel if guys I'd asked out in the past were calling me, and he said "well I wouldn't care, I'm secure with myself"...but easy to say when it's more than clear that I'm a very trustworthy person. easy to SAY you wouldn't care when you're not in those shoes. I think that's almost arrogant.

[stardust33]

actually last night when we were talking, I mentioned that maybe the reason she was phoning him was because she's no longer with the boyfriend she'd gotten back togehter with at the time he'd asked her out. He agreed, saying "yeah, that could be it, maybe she wants me big time now." See, what kind of thing is this to say to me, given the situation and my uneasiness about how he's handled things? Am I going to feel BETTER being told by him that perhaps she wants him "big time"? Either he's very insensitive to my feelings, very stupid or on one hell of an ego trip.

[loverhersomuch]

In many ways it sounds like my story with the gender roles reversed. My g/f said many times that she is different when it comes to relationships so if the shoe was on the other foot it wouldn't bother her. Also she was initially reluctant to commit to a long-term relationship and kept our relationship concealed from others (friends, old b/fs etc).

 

I made it clear that I was looking for a long-term relationship, ideally for life. If she wanted to be with me she either needed to commit herself or go back to the dating scene without me. Concealing the relationship, keeping her options open, etc. were all signs to me that she wasn't committed and if that was the case it was better that we part now.

 

Regarding the "other guy" while I don't want to come across as jealous or expect her to give up friendships for me, I tried to explain my feelings in terms where she could agree that certain behavior that may have been acceptable in a dating relationship was not acceptable in an exclusive relationship, especially after we started living together.

 

A female friend of mine in whom I confided when I was going through the worst of this turmoil said that a long-term, committed relationship is where you need to be able to feel safe. If you don't feel safe then something is wrong. There is an obligation on the part of the partner to make that relationship a place where you feel safe, just as you would want to make your partner feel safe.

 

FYI, guys can be pretty dense when it comes to feelings, and/or people hear what they want to hear. While you may think, "he knows how...[you]...feel about this," perhaps that isn't the case and/or he's being a typical guy ;-)

 

The only thing I can say is to be as honest and straight-forward as possible in communicating what you want from the relationship. If he isn't able to give you what you need move on; life is too short to be miserable.