AlektraClementine Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Again, same example from before, if an OW comes to this board and asks help on how to keep her MM, unless the BS has some good pointers to dole out, why would the BS respond? To tell the OP she is wrong for being in a relationship with the MM? But that's not what she came here for. Maybe as the thread progresses she will open herself up and then ask more questions, but until then..... But see, OW/OM forum is not the only place this happens. You see it all over the boards. Person posts a problem with a specific question and often times finds not answers to said question, but rather opinions and judgments on the overall issue as the responders perceive it. Happened to me. I posted an issue a while back. Thought I was wording it in a way in which I might garner the most empathy. Boy was I wrong. I was read my rights and told what was what. Hard as it was to hear, I did want resolution to my problem. Turns out that not the coddlers, but the more practical responders gave me the most sound advice. It's all in whether or not you can take it. This is one of those places (loveshack) where you better be able to take it:laugh: I don't fault you for being OPs champions, but maybe you could see it as a good cop/bad cop scenario or even like parents. We go to one to be coddled. We go to the other when we want results. Both are nice to have. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Thanks for that Tami...I just try to help where I can. I believe that the vast majority of posters who come to the OW/OM forum looking for support get it. I just don't know that the support that they got was the support they expected...and that raises the question over which was "wrong"...the support that they got or the expectations they arrived with? Well..Owl...OW's do not get 'support" for their choice to stay in the relationship, that's for sure( and understandably so). Many BSs and former APs take it upon themselves to show the OWs "the light". And when OWs are not receptive to that, they are then( more often than not) lambasted, ridiculed and degraded. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Answer to question: I post because I want to. Very simple and until the mods tell me that I can't post, I'm going to continue to voice my opinion. It's just that, my opinion. If there is one person who can take something valuable from my opinion, it's worth it. However, when I see threads like this with over 1000 views, I wonder how it helps anyone. It seems like the threads with the most posts are ones when BW and OW are at odds. It's almost like this type of thread is bait to get the BW here so that OW can tell us we don't belong. Kinda strange if you ask me. But if our answer to why we post is helpful to you then there you have it. JMO Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 It's all in whether or not you can take it. This is one of those places (loveshack) where you better be able to take it:laugh: I don't fault you for being OPs champions, but maybe you could see it as a good cop/bad cop scenario or even like parents. We go to one to be coddled. We go to the other when we want results. Both are nice to have. Sure it happens all over LS. But the BSs per most cultures have the "moral" higher ground and therefore are able to swing harder and hit harder punches-and sympathy is greater (almost automatic) for them. So that's an advantage that the APs do not have. Therefore, you have an AP who comes here for "support" hoping to find a sympathetic audience, only to be met by hostile BSs...so where do they go? You might say..."I don't know" or "who cares"...well...no, because this forum was created for them...trust me, I am not advocating the BSs do not post on OW/OM forum...I was merely TRYING to explain the frustrations of others. I am not sure if what you said above is true, that it is in the "whether you can take it or not"....if that were true, then we wouldn't even mind our language here and just tell it like it is.....and no one would be running to the moderators and be banned. But it certainly sheds light on where YOU are coming from. Champion for APs? Wow...how can that be? I am just one little Asian woman, who can barely express herself in English and I champion these obviously smart APs? I am sure you jest and/or exaggerating. But it is good for effects. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Answer to question: I post because I want to. Very simple and until the mods tell me that I can't post, I'm going to continue to voice my opinion. It's just that, my opinion. If there is one person who can take something valuable from my opinion, it's worth it. However, when I see threads like this with over 1000 views, I wonder how it helps anyone. It seems like the threads with the most posts are ones when BW and OW are at odds. It's almost like this type of thread is bait to get the BW here so that OW can tell us we don't belong. Kinda strange if you ask me. But if our answer to why we post is helpful to you then there you have it. JMO and yet, the bait is taken......it IS strange, isn't? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 and yet, the bait is taken......it IS strange, isn't? Yes, but I sometimes like to take the bait so I can see where it may lead. If I don't like it when I get there, I can always leave. Unless of course I get a feeling that the bait may lead me into dangerous territory, them I ignore it completely. Question is: What is the person who tosses out the bait trying to pull in? Why would someone who may not want the opinions of the BW start a thread with a direct question to the BW? It's not surprising we are here when the bait has lead us here now is it? Link to post Share on other sites
AlektraClementine Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 But it certainly sheds light on where YOU are coming from. Champion for APs? Wow...how can that be? I am just one little Asian woman, who can barely express herself in English and I champion these obviously smart APs? I am sure you jest and/or exaggerating. But it is good for effects. Where' I'm coming from? Hope that's a compliment . I'm one of those that can take it. I'm also one to choose my words very carefully so as not to be carelessly insulting. Didn't mean necessarily a champion of APs. I said OPs. Sorry, what I meant by that was Original Poster. You'd like to see a welcoming environment that fosters empathy first an foremost. I get you. Don't always agree with you but I totally get your intentions. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Where' I'm coming from? Hope that's a compliment . I'm one of those that can take it. I'm also one to choose my words very carefully so as not to be carelessly insulting. Didn't mean necessarily a champion of APs. I said OPs. Sorry, what I meant by that was Original Poster. You'd like to see an welcoming environment that fosters empathy first an foremost. I get you. Don't always agree with you but I totally get your intentions. Ah, OP in general not only in this particular forum (which would mostly be APs). ..I get it. Sorry. Still, "champion" is a stretch. But thanks ( I guess ). Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Tami I think one of the reasons many OWs dont get support for staying in the relationship is that by the time they post, they are more ofteh than not unhappy with the relationship and are asking if the MP will leave or when or should they believe the excuses etc. So as a result they get a lot of odds are slim etc etc. Only a very tiny small minority of the posts are made by people who are really truly happy being the OP looking for support with respect to how to navigate the relationship as an OP without wanting more than is on offer. More often its a very frustrated often depressed, I would rather stay than leave, I know he cant leave etc etc Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Tami I think one of the reasons many OWs dont get support for staying in the relationship is that by the time they post, they are more ofteh than not unhappy with the relationship and are asking if the MP will leave or when or should they believe the excuses etc. So as a result they get a lot of odds are slim etc etc. Only a very tiny small minority of the posts are made by people who are really truly happy being the OP looking for support with respect to how to navigate the relationship as an OP without wanting more than is on offer. More often its a very frustrated often depressed, I would rather stay than leave, I know he cant leave etc etc I agree, jj33. But if an AP or OP(other person) is truly happy and satisfied with her/his situation she/he would not be asking for support. Those who ask for support are those who are not quite as happy but find themselves unable to leave the relationship. When I first came here, I did not know what I needed, or if I wanted support or advice, etc. And I said so when asked. Still, that was not enough and I was inundated with questions and told I must be lying. Then I was asked if I was happy and I said ..I don't know if I was happy...I know I was not sad...and that was not enough either. And people asked , how can you not be sad? your life is sad, etc.etc....it's ridiculous! People do not want to accept your truth and I think it is because it is different from their truth and they want to assign their values to you and the result is you are cornered and now have to fight back, so to speak. And that is what's happening here. When an OW is unwilling to leave the relationship and is unrepentant....the unnecessary digs start...."well, fine if you are happy with just the crumbs"...."fine if you are ok with meeting him at some cheap, seedy hotel"..."what MMs get from OWs is the same thing they get from prostitutes"....totally unnecessary. I understand the message they want to convey, absolutely---but there are ways of conveying the same without being crude. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 You know, I came here because I needed to find people who could relate. And I found the other OW boards and I felt like those people were not like me. So I chose to post here because the OW and fOW at the time really helped me feel like this was my home and I was safe here. There were alot of strong OW here at that time and it didn't seem like a battle was slanted to either side at that time. They were intelligent and compassionate and while they didn't always post what the newbies thought they should, they injected a reality into the forum that was believable. As for the BS's, there are many that help in their own way. And there are those that are here to try and hurt and there are those who are hurt and just trying to cope. I think my biggest beef with those who come and be rude and offensive is that this is a forum for OW, plain and simple. If you aren't at the point where you can come here and be civil, just stick to the Infidelity board until you're more healed. Even in LadyJane's words, this forum is place for whatever work we need to do here (not verbatim, but gist). I don't think anyone would say that OW just get what they want to hear, here. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I do not know how long ago your D-day was or if you have re-married and found love again....but this is really disturbing that you have not REALLY moved on....You have to heal yourself...you cannot heal yourself drawing "good feelings" from other people's misery. How superior was this OW to you that she still has so much impact on your life? Let it go...draw joy from within, it is possible. Oh I moved on many moons ago, but that's so sweet of you, thank you for your obvious really genuine concern. I'm touched. I suppose its much like you and some other OW say - you have no respect for the BS who have castigated you; but I'm sure you also don't let them impact on your life, just like I have no respect for OW as I know first hand what damage they do, but they've also had no impact on my life. Doesn't stop a couple of their stories being a great source of amusement though! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted August 18, 2009 Author Share Posted August 18, 2009 I am not sure what your fascination with me is Jennie; but before jj33 starts again about the 'fighting' between you and I; I really don't think I need to answer your question or justify my actions to you in any way. Please put me on ignore since you have issues with pretty much ever single post I make You must admit it is an appropriate question though. Why are you not done with this part of your life? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Well..Owl...OW's do not get 'support" for their choice to stay in the relationship, that's for sure( and understandably so). Many BSs and former APs take it upon themselves to show the OWs "the light". And when OWs are not receptive to that, they are then( more often than not) lambasted, ridiculed and degraded. Perhaps not...but it's still "support" even if the advice in that case is that their relationship with their affair partner isn't likely to succeed, and that they should cut their losses and end it on their own terms. That's still "support" . Of course the ridicule and degradation isn't...but that comes from a small minority, is clearly in violation of TOS, and should be reported. But advice to end the affair is NOT in violation of TOS, and is still support. It's just not what everyone wanted to hear. I've seen times where the OP was good with hearing it...it was the other OW that took offense and started a fight...which made me question if THAT was "support" as well. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 You must admit it is an appropriate question though. Why are you not done with this part of your life? I get asked this question all the time. Why are you still here? Why aren't you done with this part of your life? You can't possibly be happy if you are still posting here. Answer: I'm not done with life. All of my experiences, good and bad, will always be part of my life. I learned a lot of things about myself and my relationships with other people, not only my H, during this episode in my life. I have come out of it a better person, spouse, friend, daughter, sister, mother, etc. I have a better relationship with my H and our marriage is stronger. As my H worked on his issues and our marriage, I took it as an opportunity to work on my issues and our marriage. If I can share any of what I learned with others, it would be icing on the cake. So, I'm still here. Because I want to be. Because I have made friends I keep in contact with. Because there are some people who thank me for my input. So, I'm going to stay like it or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted August 18, 2009 Author Share Posted August 18, 2009 Hi, Herenow, the question was not why are you still here. It was why start posting on a board like this a decade after your affair. I am just curious what prompts someone to do this if you got closure way back then. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted August 18, 2009 Author Share Posted August 18, 2009 I believe Loveshack started in 1997, so yes. And I don't understand everybody's need to answer for Fooled Once. I just asked her a simple question. I was worried that she still held grudges towards her MM, because her posts led me to believe that. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I believe Loveshack started in 1997, so yes. And I don't understand everybody's need to answer for Fooled Once. I just asked her a simple question. I was worried that she still held grudges towards her MM, because her posts led me to believe that. If she does or doesn't, what does it matter? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted August 18, 2009 Author Share Posted August 18, 2009 If she does or doesn't, what does it matter? It is her problem of course, I just thought some self reflection was in order, especially since she is only kind to a certain type of OW, the ones she feels she can influence. The others better duck. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 It is her problem of course, I just thought some self reflection was in order, especially since she is only kind to a certain type of OW, the ones she feels she can influence. The others better duck. Why do you think she should pay attention to anyone who can't benefit from her opinion? If the "others" don't feel her words are supportive to them, why is that her fault? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Fooled, she makes you sound like a vampire. :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 Fooled, she makes you sound like a vampire. :lmao: Well, I would have used the word vulture, but vampire will do. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Well, I would have used the word vulture, but vampire will do. Either way you put a label of attacker on Fooled. One YOU feel she deserves, doesn't make it true. Just what you "feeeellll". Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennie-jennie Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 Correction: just what I have been exposed to. Thereof my bitterness towards her, it has nothing to do with my EMR, but everything to do with her. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Correction: just what I have been exposed to. Thereof my bitterness towards her, it has nothing to do with my EMR, but everything to do with her. I don't remember saying anything about bitterness. I don't throw that word around. And my opinion of why you seem enjoy engaging her is not necessary to further the discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
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