How To Avoid Daddy Issues (?)

[LarkInPalm]

I am going to have to begin this very bluntly, because i really don't know how to.

I'm nearing 20 and after having my own house, i've had to move back with my parents for the three summer months between college. This has taken a horrible toll on me and i've come close to anxiety attacks.

I'd appreciate some outside perspective on my parents situation, some similar experiences would be comforting and advice would be outstanding!

I'll do this in bullet points as it will be quicker:

THINGS I FOUND OUT THIS SUMMER:

1. I was an accident (my mother was forced to marry by my father and her stepmother)

2. My father had married and been divorced previously.

3. My father either spent or lied about the money he told my mother he had put away for my college education.

4. My mum brought me shopping every weekend because when I was young my father would sit in darkened rooms for days on end.

 

OTHER POINTS:

1. When i was 11 my father had us move to his birth-country. Stuck me in a catholic convent (despite him being ferociously atheist and determined to bring me up atheist. wtf?!) promised my mother he would support the family.

 

2. 8 years later we live in a half finished home, parents unemployed (my wages from my weekend job supported us for the first 2 months of being at home, I can not longer manage this)

 

3. It's not that my father is that violent. I vaguely remember glasses smashing when I was very very young and 4 years ago there was an episode when he threw a wine glass at (but missed) my mother. He does kick and hit our dog with far too much vigor (our dog is VERY impossible I'll admit, but Nothing excuses that, i know). And he does bring door slamming to an art.

(juxtaposed to this- he gets upset if you walk on an ant or kill a spider.)

 

4. It's the verbal abuse and emotional unavailability thats doing us in. It is spiteful, vindictive, cruel and crude. He had a mini-stroke in the night (from his rage. he has arguments in his sleep) and when he attacks my mother with gems like 'stupid useless f******* .... i won't go on, she defends herself and he gets even more angry, and accuses her of trying to kill him by means of sending him into another anger stroke.

(this upset my mother for weeks)

Two weeks ago my mother was diagnosed with diabetes, a row that ended with him saying 'I hope they find out what's f*ing wrong with you.' etc. a pretty normal rebuttal for him is to imply that my mother is insane.

It is this kind of blackmail that is breaking my mothers heart and mine too. because i don't want to hate my father. I REALLY DON'T.

 

5. He isn't quite as vicious toward me. His attitude toward me is more an intense indifference, pointing out why I'm wrong, wondering why I don't do this that or the other. Generally never being happy with me. Praise is a rare and grudgingly given thing. He is normally instructed very precisely by my mother to do fatherly things.

(He used to be less likely to be abusive in front of me, but now it's not just me, he will start rows in public, hit our dog when visitors come to the house (rare as that is!) humiliating isn't the word.

 

6. His father was an abusive drunk who beat his wife and kids.(dad will put away 1+ bottle of wine and 1/2 whiskey per night). He left home at 16. explains things, but is no excuse.

 

A NOTE ON MY MOTHER:

The most wonderful woman I have known. He has totally broken her. She barely fights back anymore. She is my best friend and I feel like I miss her. her father had Alzheimer's and we know she will start to get it now. and I know he doesn't care and will actively make it worse. She has been both parents to me.

She is so lonely. Having him as a husband makes it impossible for her to make friends. He lives less than 20 mins away from ALL his family. Mum hasn't seen the 2 family members she has left in over 2 years.

 

CONCLUSION:

I have been encouraging her gently to leave him. I can't force her and I don't want to make her feel guilty for not doing it. I don't know that much about their financial situation and my dad has no clue about anything.

 

Note: My father will bend rules and words and a calm rational conversation is not an option. It is entirely pointless to talk to him about anything. As far as he is concerned his word is law, your opinion is less than trivial and he is the king of his castle.

(i keep threatening to bring up the fact that he is essentially a failed adult and he owes me 300 in groceries alone. so he is the king of piss all right now.)

 

I don't want to put this out for sympathy. I'd like to know if you think it's right that i encourage divorce. If i should step back, or put my all into trying to take my father down a peg.

It's annoying me right now because I feel I was doing fine on my own. I never thought my parents would be such an emotional and financial burden.

 

As for the Daddy Issues, I'm disappointed to say I think i have them.

If anyone else has had this type of non-substantial father and lived to tell the tale I'd love to know how they have handled it.

 

First post btw!

[sb129]

My father was a less than perfect father and husband.

 

He died earlier this year and there is a HUGE hole in my life and my mothers.

 

Get out, support yourself, and don't shoulder all of your parents marital problems- they are not your problems to solve.

Step back. They managed to be together before you came along, they will either manage to be together (or not) when you have left home.

 

Its not healthy to be so involved in your parents lives/ relationships.