Ex-bf emails out of the blue. Depressed.

[yubari]

My ex boyfriend and I separated over 4 months ago, we were together for close to three years. We met in college in the US, and he eventually graduated. We come from different countries in Asia, and it takes about 4 hours drive to get from his place to mine. After graduation, we carried on a long distance for close to 1 year between nyc and philadelphia, seeing each other almost every week, and we spent winter together. Eventually, he returned to his country, and after 3 months, when i returned home to my country, he told me he wanted a separation. The gist is he doesn't think a long distance relationship could ever really work out because we would have to be 4 hours away from each other for the next 6 years. And he's tired... he's found a new girl. It was a real shock and rupture, because he was always so devoted and so good, I never expected that he would cheat on me. He told me he is tired of me not being around, and he has a very stressful job, he needs someone there at the end of the day there for him, and i'm simply never around.

 

I was devastated, I never ever thought I could ever really love anyone that much. I could see all his flaws during the relationship and i learnt to love him for who he was. We had a great relationship, with intellectual and physical connection. I moved on pretty quickly, in the sense that I refuse to crumble and allow my life to collapse simply because of him. Eventually, I made the final decision, and told him 1.5 months after our separation to not contact me again because it was making things difficult for me. I do think of him almost everyday, but slowly with time, I stopped thinking of him so much. Meanwhile, a few men have expressed interest in me...I've dated a few guys, but I don't think I could really give my heart away again because I've been hurt so badly.

 

Just a few days ago, he emailed me again asking me how I am and when I would be returning to my country. It makes me very upset to hear from him again, because I'm very much reminded again of the pain I felt and was slowly getting over. I don't know why he decided to email me again. Well, we had a great friendship when we were together too, and I know that he still treasures me as a friend. But honestly, I just can;t handle the friendship knowing that he's with another girl,a nd that i'm out of his life in that special way. So, I deleted the email after much agonizing. I feel so rude to not reply, but I know replying will only cause me to break my silence, the silence which I've tried so hard to maintain. After we separated, I met another man when I was home for the summer, we like each other, but because I was returning to the US, nothing could really develop. We've been emailing alot, and it looks like something ,might work out between us. At the same time, I feel so emotionally confused, because my ex-bf's email bothers me so much, even if it is just to say hello and to check out on how i am.

 

Well, on the whole, I don't think i've been truly happy since the separation. I feel so lonely, and I know I feel nostalgic for that special feeling again of being in love. My life is a general dull note. On the other hand, I'm just so cautious and worried about being hurt again. I feel like maybe the best thing I should do is to just concentrate on my school and future career, and not get emotionally attached to anyone again.

[Arabess]

If you had a chance to discuss with your ex about what he did which so hurt you and you felt you could forgive and forget.....there is always a chance you could work it out. The key word is "chance". No matter what you discuss beforehand....it's possible the pain he caused you would continue to creep in as a bad memory and you could never get back to the wonderful place you once were together.

 

You have to search your heart to see if you still love him and want to be with him....or if you are still waiting for him to make you feel better for all the pain he caused you. I went back with someone twice....still hoping my boy friend/best friend would say "Hey, I was an ASS and this is why I did it..." and make it all better. He never did. Finally I decided....it just wasn't worth trying anymore.

 

If you feel you've gottent to a place where you can move on.....that's probably the best place to remain. Ultimately though.....follow your heart.

[Iamhappy]

I feel so emotionally confused, because my ex-bf's email bothers me so much, even if it is just to say hello and to check out on how i am.

 

I think it best at this time to sever all ties with him. You are on your way to recovery and I think having some sort of contact with him is counterproductive to your healing.

 

I never expected that he would cheat on me. He told me he is tired of me not being around, and he has a very stressful job, he needs someone there at the end of the day there for him, and i'm simply never around.

 

Even if he called you out of genuine concern or some sort of misguided altruism, you have to remember that this is the same guy who felt no qualms about cheating on you and blaming you for the breakdown of your relationship. Even if he is calling to apologize, you aren't yet in a position to accept his apology. You aren't yet ready to forgive him. You are still vulnerable to him and that puts you in a dangerous position. Look at how a simple email from him has muddled your thoughts and feelings.

 

As difficult as it might be to imagine right now, there is someone out there who is right for you - someone who will be true to you and respect you. Not all men are like your ex.

 

Let time do its thing. Take care little one.

[yubari]

Well, I deleted that email. I feel tempted to email him telling him about my life for the last few months. It is very difficult to separate and sever a contact with someone who felt closer than family, and was like a soul mate/best friend to me.

 

he knows that he's hurt me alot, i'm usually pretty calm...and i went hysterical when he told me he wanted to dump me. it was the worst nightmare of my life. i know it sounds so shallow, worse things happen to other people. but i feel as though the pain will stay with me forever, even if it subsides and becomes a scar hidden somewhere inside me. i have serious trust issues, my dad cheated on my mum during their entire marriage, most adults in my life were involved in adulteries...i am very cynical about men's faithfulness. it took a while for me to completely trust my ex bf, and totally gave my heart and soul and trust to him...and then he broke it so bad.

 

I guess there's always that little hope somewhere that he regrets his decision and that he still thinks that I'm his ideal mate. But I know I must habour no illusions, and it should no longer matter what he feels or think since we are no longer together.

 

The man who was interested in me, all of a sudden stopped emailing just when my ex bf emailed me. It's like a nasty coincidence, and everything seems to be falling apart. I feel so unwanted, and am beginning to wonder if something is seriously wrong with me. I'm thinking that maybe I should steel myself against getting emotionally involved again.

 

I'm looking for a man who can match my intelligence , passion, and western outlook... but statistics just tell me that chances of remaining single are real high, given the demographics and cultural issues. or maybe i am a pessimist.