?? to AP

[Lizzie60]

I think that most women who are having affairs, do because they feel disconnected emotionally with their H.. or simply don't have anyone in their life.. and usually get very much attached to their AP..

 

I think that most men who are having affairs, do because they want more sex.. and do not necessarily feel connected emotionally to the OW...

 

I'm speaking 'in general'.. my question:

 

To MM: If you're having an affair would you care if your W was also having an affair?

 

To MW: If you're having an affair.. would you care if your H was also having an affair?

 

My thoughts: I think that most women would not care if their H were also having an affair.. while the MM would absolutely NOT want his W to have an affair.

 

Your thoughts...

[Confused4Now]

I think that most women who are having affairs, do because they feel disconnected emotionally with their H.. or simply don't have anyone in their life.. and usually get very much attached to their AP..

 

I think that most men who are having affairs, do because they want more sex.. and do not necessarily feel connected emotionally to the OW...

 

I'm speaking 'in general'.. my question:

 

To MM: If you're having an affair would you care if your W was also having an affair?

 

To MW: If you're having an affair.. would you care if your H was also having an affair?

 

My thoughts: I think that most women would not care if their H were also having an affair.. while the MM would absolutely NOT want his W to have an affair.

 

Your thoughts...

For me I was hoping my wife was having an affair....I did find out later that she did when we were going through the divorce. I have to admit it actually excited me that some guy wanted her enough to do her.....but that was brief.....didn't want to go there.....heeeheeee

[SidLyon]

I think that most women who are having affairs, do because they feel disconnected emotionally with their H.. or simply don't have anyone in their life.. and usually get very much attached to their AP..

 

I think that most men who are having affairs, do because they want more sex.. and do not necessarily feel connected emotionally to the OW...

 

I'm speaking 'in general'.. my question:

 

To MM: If you're having an affair would you care if your W was also having an affair?

 

To MW: If you're having an affair.. would you care if your H was also having an affair?

 

My thoughts: I think that most women would not care if their H were also having an affair.. while the MM would absolutely NOT want his W to have an affair.

 

Your thoughts...

 

First although I'm a BW I'm answering this in my capacity as a person who had an affair while in a relationship. (ie the equivalent of a MW to whom this question was addressed). BTW it seems ridiculous that we each have to justify why we are answering a question - last time I answered a question about affair sex I was heaped with condemnation because I had the temerity to answer while never having been an OW - but that doesn't change the fact that I had been an AP and so could answer from my own experience.

 

Anyway to answer the question: At the time I had an affair my partner was already having one and had previously had one. There was a part of me that didn't even care that he was having an A because I was looking for a way out and I found it by having an A.

 

I have never had any As since being with my H (together 20 years married 15 years) but I recently asked him what he would have thought if I had. He said he would have minded very much, but also felt that it would be hypocritical to have complained. We are in quite a successful reconciliation now, we have re-established ourselves as a couple, spending lots of time together and it is really nice for both of us. I have no thoughts of having an A (I previously considered it because of the disconnection between us). I hope he doesn't either - the thing is can we keep this up? If not it will come crashing down for good I think.

 

S

[Lizzie60]

For me I was hoping my wife was having an affair....I did find out later that she did when we were going through the divorce. I have to admit it actually excited me that some guy wanted her enough to do her.....but that was brief.....didn't want to go there.....heeeheeee

 

Were YOU having an A? Were you hoping she would have an A because you'd feel less guilt?

[angie2443]

This will be interesting. I'm curious to see what the guys say. I've noticed that most of the men I know, when they get married, feel like they "own" their wives. It's kind of like their wives become property after they get married. I think that if a cheating MM found out that his wife was cheating he'd go into a rage. I don't feel that a married woman thinks of her husband as property in the same way a man does. I'm guessing that a cheating MW would be deeply hurt if her husband was cheating but would feel that he had the right to do so. Of course, I could be wrong. Who knows?

[tami-chan]

I was emotionally disconnected from my H. Our vows were broken by him long,long time ago. He was devastated when I told him( just this past spring) I had an affair-even though he was a serial cheater (for most of our marriage ).

[Lizzie60]

This will be interesting. I'm curious to see what the guys say. I've noticed that most of the men I know, when they get married, feel like they "own" their wives. It's kind of like their wives become property after they get married. I think that if a cheating MM found out that his wife was cheating he'd go into a rage. I don't feel that a married woman thinks of her husband as property in the same way a man does. I'm guessing that a cheating MW would be deeply hurt if her husband was cheating but would feel that he had the right to do so. Of course, I could be wrong. Who knows?

 

I have this feeling too... and maybe she wouldn't be that hurt afterall... since she's probably head over heels in love with her AP.

 

I asked this question with my MMs in mind.... I know a few wouldn't mind as much because they don't love their W.. they stay solely for the kids and their financial comfort..

 

Others, would go into a rage.. it's OK for them but not OK for their W..

 

I think it is way more difficult for a male to accept that his W would have sex with others but feels it's OK for him..

[tami-chan]

For me I was hoping my wife was having an affair....I did find out later that she did when we were going through the divorce. I have to admit it actually excited me that some guy wanted her enough to do her.....but that was brief.....didn't want to go there.....heeeheeee

 

LOL....you were excited that some guy wanted her enough to do her????? oh goodness....confused4now! At least you were happy for her

[carhill]

To MM: If you're having an affair would you care if your W was also having an affair?

 

If I were emotionally detached and it was a marriage of convenience, no problem. Otherwise, I wouldn't be having an affair, nor would I accept one from my wife.

[babydreamer]

I wouldn't go into a rage but very understanding. But I don't think the marriage can be save since both partners were looking for something else. It's best to end it on good terms.

 

For MM, they will have a big problem with that. It's okay for them to do it but not their wives (humiliation for them if their wives have s-e-x with someone else). It's a guy thing.

[Lizzie60]

If I were emotionally detached and it was a marriage of convenience, no problem. Otherwise, I wouldn't be having an affair, nor would I accept one from my wife.

 

Then you can't answer this thread objectively...

 

Keep posting people.. I'll be back.. tomorrow..

[babydreamer]

I was emotionally disconnected from my H. Our vows were broken by him long,long time ago. He was devastated when I told him( just this past spring) I had an affair-even though he was a serial cheater (for most of our marriage ).

 

 

I know this is irrelevant to the question but how do you deal with this cheating personality? Is your marriage better now?

[Lizzie60]

I wouldn't go into a rage but very understanding. But I don't think the marriage can be save since both partners were looking for something else. It's best to end it on good terms.

 

For MM, they will have a big problem with that. It's okay for them to do it but not their wives (humiliation for them if their wives have s-e-x with someone else). It's a guy thing.

 

My question wasn't referring to a couple who is having an affair each on the side..

[silktricks]

To MM: If you're having an affair would you care if your W was also having an affair?

 

To MW: If you're having an affair.. would you care if your H was also having an affair?

 

My thoughts: I think that most women would not care if their H were also having an affair.. while the MM would absolutely NOT want his W to have an affair.

 

Your thoughts...

 

I can only speak of my own experience. When I had an affair, I couldn't have cared less if my SO was doing the same - in all honesty, I probably wouldn't have had the affair had I not already thought he was.

 

When my current husband had an affair he was extremely jealous of my every move. He was constantly accusing me of being interested in men I worked with. It was very weird.

 

In other words, I think you are right on in your analysis.

[tami-chan]

I know this is irrelevant to the question but how do you deal with this cheating personality? Is your marriage better now?

 

Divorcing him, as we speak:bunny:....but we have a civil, friendly relationship....

[carhill]

Then you can't answer this thread objectively...

 

Keep posting people.. I'll be back.. tomorrow..

Sure I can. I lived it

[JamesM]

If I were having an affair and my reason was sex, then my actual connection would only be physical. This means that (odd as it sounds), my emotional connection and plans for the future still reside with my wife.

 

If my wife were having an affair, then her connection would be emotional even if there was physical. I think she would be much less connected to me than if I were having a physical affair.

 

So, if I were having an affair, then yes, I would be mad if my wife were having an affair.

 

But my reason is this....here I spend years trying to get her to want sex and then she has it with some other guy? And she kept telling me that "it is me, not you?"

[jennie-jennie]

My MM says that he would be relieved if his W had an affair. I figure it would make him feel they were on equal ground. Perhaps it would facilitate for him in deciding what to do.

 

I am sure he would have been devasted if she had had an affair before he did, so in my mind this shows that he in some way has let go of the emotional and sexual bond they had before.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can honestly say that having been such a chronic cheater in my time, that even though I was doing it - there is no way I would have been 'ok' with the other person doing it.

 

It sounds hypocritical, but think of it this way:

 

As the cheater, you know you aren't really going to go anywhere or leave your primary person. If your primary person is doing it though, you don't know if they are going to go anywhere or end up leaving you.

 

You can know your own mind, but you can't really know someone else's. That is why you see MM/MW/cheaters in general who freak out when their W/H/OW/OM start doing the same thing.

 

Its a control thing, I guess. You can control yourself in terms of which relationships you choose to hold on to, but when someone else does the same thing you can't control the outcome.

[confusedinkansas]

During my affair - 4+ years ago....My AP said over & over again "I hope she is having an affair".."let some other poor schmuck deal with her"....etc.

Well, 6 months into our affair he found out she was indeed having one as well. He was DEVISTATED! Broke things off with me saying "I could NEVER trust another woman again as long as I live".......the moral of the story - CAREFUL WHAT YA WISH FOR! His ex is still with the guy - HE (my affair partner) is now with another married woman

[stillafool]

I had a BF who cheated on me and when I had had enough and decided to date another guy also my cheating BF went completely crazy. He thought what was good for the goose definitely was not good for the gander. I think most MM can't stand the thought of another man doing their W. I don't think women who are involved in affairs care as much.

[carhill]

Its a control thing, I guess. You can control yourself in terms of which relationships you choose to hold on to, but when someone else does the same thing you can't control the outcome.

I get that part, but, if one's setpoint is fidelity, and one is disconnected enough from that setpoint and one's partner to cheat, why would it matter what the partner did? They would be irrelevant. I think that disconnect says a lot about a person's psychology and intrinsic personality style. Interesting. I hadn't thought of that before.

 

Reading stillafool's post, perhaps that's more evidence of the differences between my psychology and that of a typical MM. Another example of how all rules have exceptions....

[angie2443]

I asked this question with my MMs in mind.... I know a few wouldn't mind as much because they don't love their W.. they stay solely for the kids and their financial comfort..

 

Others, would go into a rage.. it's OK for them but not OK for their W..

 

I think it is way more difficult for a male to accept that his W would have sex with others but feels it's OK for him..

 

I don't know about your MMs, but it's just been my observation with the MMs I've known or heard of that it isn't about love really but more about ownership. My father and my old ex boyfriend are good examples. My father cheated over and over on my mom. He felt it was his right, although, he didn't say this out loud until his later years. My mother never really cheated but fell in love with another man. I would call it an EA except that she never expressed her feelings to the other man and they didn't share much together. I don't think the OM ever knew. Anyways, my father raged at her for this, hit her a few times over this and let his kids know how cold and evil their mother was for having feelings for another man. Looking back on this, I can see that there was no love in my father for my mother, but rather a sense of ownership. My mother having feelings for another man was a threat. He might loose his "property" and this made him very angry. My ex, I think, felt the same towards his wife. He cheated on her several times, and she quietly excepted this. I don't know why. This happened before I met him. Anyways, she finally cheated on him. She was kicked out of the house in the middle of the night (I learned this after I broke up with him) and her name was trashed all over town. Again, when I look back on this, the only way his actions make sense to me is that he didn't love his wife, but felt that he in some way owned her.

[Gamine]

There are many books written on the subject of why men cheat. One of such books is "The Truth About Cheating". The conclusion? It isn't about sex.

 

Taken from as an excerpt:

 

Because it strokes your ego when someone else pays attention to you

Selfishness/the lure of temporary pleasure

Provided confirmation, a need fulfilled

Admiration, the “Adoring Eyes”

 

Explained a draw to the other woman as a “pulling toward.” She makes him feel like a king. It was a fantasy. He was attracted to how HE was FEELING, not the other woman.

 

So surprisingly, the psyche behind it isn't sex. Sex just so happens to be one of the most direct ways a woman can have an impact on a man.

[Gamine]

As to the question concerning what a husband who has cheated would 'do' or feel concerning a reciprocity in cheating.

 

I asked my husband this precise question. His response was that he would kill the man... quite literally flip out and have to kill him.

 

Why? I asked. Since he himself was doing the precise thing. His response was that he wanted no other man ever putting his hands on me.