Author Lizzie60 Posted August 18, 2009 Author Share Posted August 18, 2009 As to the question concerning what a husband who has cheated would 'do' or feel concerning a reciprocity in cheating. I asked my husband this precise question. His response was that he would kill the man... quite literally flip out and have to kill him. Why? I asked. Since he himself was doing the precise thing. His response was that he wanted no other man ever putting his hands on me. but it's OK for him to put his hands on another woman... See..that's what I find with most MMs.. the double standard.. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 but it's OK for him to put his hands on another woman... See..that's what I find with most MMs.. the double standard.. If that bothers you...why do you continue to cheat with all these MM? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 If that bothers you...why do you continue to cheat with all these MM? Who said it was bothering me? It is what it is.. double standard.. I don't have to live with them.. that's why.. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 So I can answer this from different perspectives. Before I had my A, she had an EA (as far as I know it wasn't a PA). I was really hurt. While I was having my A if I had found that she was also having an A, in a way I would be relieved of my guilt and maybe see it as a way out, but I have to think I would be at least a little upset. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 So I can answer this from different perspectives. Before I had my A, she had an EA (as far as I know it wasn't a PA). I was really hurt. While I was having my A if I had found that she was also having an A, in a way I would be relieved of my guilt and maybe see it as a way out, but I have to think I would be at least a little upset. Devil.. tell me.. would a PA been more painful for you than a EA.. Link to post Share on other sites
OW_WS Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 To MW: If you're having an affair.. would you care if your H was also having an affair? Yes I would. I would feel unappreciated, etc. It's vastly an ego thing. And yes, ownership and control come into play too but I would actually leave him if he cheated now, height of hypocrisy as that may be. If I were having an affair and my reason was sex, then my actual connection would only be physical. This means that (odd as it sounds), my emotional connection and plans for the future still reside with my wife. There are many books written on the subject of why men cheat. One of such books is "The Truth About Cheating". The conclusion? It isn't about sex. Taken from as an excerpt: Because it strokes your ego when someone else pays attention to you Selfishness/the lure of temporary pleasure Provided confirmation, a need fulfilled Admiration, the “Adoring Eyes” Sometimes "I am such a man" is not even funny anymore as all of that could have been written about me, verbatim. No, realistically I know I couldn't tolerate if my OH had an affair. If anything, my MM is the one who sometimes speaks about how he wouldn't mind if his wife had an affair as she'd be more fulfilled sexually and that would both make him happy -he loves her- and excite him from a sexual pov. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I really don't get it. Do married people really feel like they 'own' their spouse? In a decade of marriage I can say I've never felt that way. Probably never will. People aren't property. That's what I own things for. Guess I better get an ego transplant Link to post Share on other sites
OW_WS Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I really don't get it. Do married people really feel like they 'own' their spouse? In a decade of marriage I can say I've never felt that way. Probably never will. People aren't property. That's what I own things for. Guess I better get an ego transplant Can't tell if that was directed at me or not but since I mentioned ownership as well.... I don't think it's ownership in a sense equal to that concerning objects but in a belonging involving manner. In other words I don't really feel I own him, just that I expect my mark on him to be extensive enough that it would make him feel mine. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 OW WS, I am not sure what you meant, but I KNOW in my case based on my circumstances, that if I were in an affair it would be for sex. Why? Because sex is what I miss in my marriage. Sex might bring about a connection that includes a friendship, but it would never be about a LT relationship. If my wife were to have an affair, then it would be that she misses the emotional connection. My post still stands. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 If I turn the steering wheel on my car, it turns. If I turn the steering wheel on my wife, who knows what will happen. That's what I mean by ownership. When we were together, everything was voluntary. There was no steering linkage, no puppet strings (insert your own euphemism here). She 'belonged' to me because it was her choice each minute of each day. When she decided she no longer belonged, she didn't. Same with me. That's where my philosophy about detachment came in. Once there was no attachment, there was no voluntary belonging, hence it wouldn't matter to me if she had an affair on not, since it would no longer be an affair, as we didn't 'belong' to each other anymore. All that was left was paperwork and property division. If we did 'belong', voluntarily, there would be no interest on my part in any other woman, so no mechanism for an affair and I would trust her perspective would be similar. No guarantees, like on a car Link to post Share on other sites
OW_WS Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 JamesM - I was just saying my situation is exactly the same on the sex/emotion front, only the genders are different. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Who said it was bothering me? It is what it is.. double standard.. I don't have to live with them.. that's why.. Ahhh...sorry Lizzie...I took your at the end of the comment to mean that you didn't like/were bothered by that double standard. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 When my H was still M to his xW, he desperately wished she'd have another A in the hope that it would repeat her last one, so that she'd transfer her interest to someone else, so that the M could fizzle out mutually. When she did get a BF he was delighted, and really disappointed when the BF dumped her. Despite it all, he still wants her to be happy, if only for the sake of the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 There are many books written on the subject of why men cheat. One of such books is "The Truth About Cheating". The conclusion? It isn't about sex. I find pop psych books tend to make sweeping generalisations based on stereotypes. I've never once recognised myself in any of them - at least, never in the woman's role, and sometimes only partially in the role they ascribe to men - and I can't say I've ever recognised my H in any of them either. Maybe it's a cultural thing, and they only apply to Americans, or people who watch Oprah, or people who read self-help books - dunno. But any book called the "truth" about anything is likely to be a heap of horsemanure! Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Devil.. tell me.. would a PA been more painful for you than a EA.. Well, I think it is a different kind of pain, or similar pain, manifested in different manners. With the EA I was hurt. It was more of a sadness. A feeling of "how could share the secrets we had, how could you betray our bond." Imaging my W, or any other woman that I am physically involved with having a PA brings up anger. Sadly, like the typical "guy" the image of MY woman with another man's hands on her makes me feel angry. In the end, I think one is not more than the other...however...I would imagine that many PAs lead to EAs...so if she is having a PA then it probably involves emotions as well. As opposed to EAs online or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Good point, Owoman, but I read all the pop psychology articles and watch Oprah nonetheless! Everything must be taken with a grain of salt! Nevertheless, men seem to have a harder time taking back a WW because they cannot get the sexual images of their spouse with another man out of their head. Until they do, the relationship cannot be repaired. Hence, many do not. For women, the emotional connection is huge to turning on their libido! Also, they make better liars and feel more justified in having an affair because "they fell in love." Remorse for their actions and subsequent efforts to reconcile the marriage are harder, and take longer in these instances. The worst indicator of a marriage's demise is when a newly married woman has an affair because she is already so removed emotionally that there is virtually no repair. She may stay for a while, but has one foot out the door. Whereas a newly married man going outside the marriage does not forecast the same long-term demise. Still interesting, no? A man can stray for a new sexual experience or partner and still be in love with his wife. A woman strays for an emotional connection she is lacking with her spouse and is considered inherently more dangerous to the marriage's survival. Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I find pop psych books tend to make sweeping generalisations based on stereotypes. I've never once recognised myself in any of them - at least, never in the woman's role, and sometimes only partially in the role they ascribe to men - and I can't say I've ever recognised my H in any of them either. Maybe it's a cultural thing, and they only apply to Americans, or people who watch Oprah, or people who read self-help books - dunno. But any book called the "truth" about anything is likely to be a heap of horsemanure! You always do. Read it and then weigh in. I would be interested in knowing what you think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 Good point, Owoman, but I read all the pop psychology articles and watch Oprah nonetheless! Everything must be taken with a grain of salt! Nevertheless, men seem to have a harder time taking back a WW because they cannot get the sexual images of their spouse with another man out of their head. Until they do, the relationship cannot be repaired. Hence, many do not. For women, the emotional connection is huge to turning on their libido! Also, they make better liars and feel more justified in having an affair because "they fell in love." Remorse for their actions and subsequent efforts to reconcile the marriage are harder, and take longer in these instances. The worst indicator of a marriage's demise is when a newly married woman has an affair because she is already so removed emotionally that there is virtually no repair. She may stay for a while, but has one foot out the door. Whereas a newly married man going outside the marriage does not forecast the same long-term demise. Still interesting, no? A man can stray for a new sexual experience or partner and still be in love with his wife. A woman strays for an emotional connection she is lacking with her spouse and is considered inherently more dangerous to the marriage's survival. My point.. exactly Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 A psychologist my husband was seeing (specializes in sexual addiction/dysfunction & infidelity) indicated that he found in his practice that men forgave more readily than women. Link to post Share on other sites
spiraling downward Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I think that most women who are having affairs, do because they feel disconnected emotionally with their H.. or simply don't have anyone in their life.. and usually get very much attached to their AP.. I think that most men who are having affairs, do because they want more sex.. and do not necessarily feel connected emotionally to the OW... I'm speaking 'in general'.. my question: To MM: If you're having an affair would you care if your W was also having an affair? To MW: If you're having an affair.. would you care if your H was also having an affair? My thoughts: I think that most women would not care if their H were also having an affair.. while the MM would absolutely NOT want his W to have an affair. Your thoughts... I was about 95% emotionally detatched from my wife before I went looking for someone else. It wouldn't have bothered me if she found someone else at that time. It would have been a relief. Her prior affair and the aftermath for me profoundly changed my way of thinking. If my partner in the future ever decided to cheat on me... I will be done, right then and there. No more holding on for who knows what. That is just too difficult to overcome. When one partner violates the bond and trust, take it for what it is, the relationship is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 A psychologist my husband was seeing (specializes in sexual addiction/dysfunction & infidelity) indicated that he found in his practice that men forgave more readily than women. I find this very interesting, Gamine. Even on LS, doesn't it seem we have proportionately way more BWs then BHs posting here? Could it be that men keep their wives infidelity more of a secret? And many more OW than OM? Just curious..... Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I find this very interesting, Gamine. Even on LS, doesn't it seem we have proportionately way more BWs then BHs posting here? Could it be that men keep their wives infidelity more of a secret? And many more OW than OM? Just curious..... His psychologist said that initially he saw an overwhelming majority of men who had committed infidelity but now the tables have turned. It is slightly women cheating in the majority. When asked why men forgave more readily... his comment was that men are not as deeply emotionally entrenched (as a rule) as women are in relationships. Different wiring. Link to post Share on other sites
complicatedlife Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 His psychologist said that initially he saw an overwhelming majority of men who had committed infidelity but now the tables have turned. It is slightly women cheating in the majority. When asked why men forgave more readily... his comment was that men are not as deeply emotionally entrenched (as a rule) as women are in relationships. Different wiring. Did this psychologist say what was going on in men who DON'T/CAN'T forgive? Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Lizzie - to answer your original question --- when I was involved with a MM - it wasn't about sex. It was about ..... hmm, not sure, but I know it wasn't about sex because we 'dated' for 7 months before sex and in the 2 years of being together, we only had sex twice. I think for him it was about the fact that I was 17 years younger than him, I was a single mom and he enjoyed pampering me. I think he was flattered by the attention from a much younger woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lizzie60 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 His psychologist said that initially he saw an overwhelming majority of men who had committed infidelity but now the tables have turned. It is slightly women cheating in the majority. When asked why men forgave more readily... his comment was that men are not as deeply emotionally entrenched (as a rule) as women are in relationships. Different wiring. I think the psychologist was full of shyit.. I don't agree one second with anything he said to your H.. Wow.. what a... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts