gw326 Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Wrote out a long post several times before only to find out it was so long i actually logged myself out.Anyways,a shortened version.Wife and I will be married five years in October,and we have a son soon to be three years old and another son one year old together.Like most marriages that have problems our problems were mostly over money issues,not spending enough time together,and arguing.My wife originally told me she wanted a divorce on Fathers Day.I was shocked beyond belief,and had nowhere to go.I moved out and went back home to Ohio to get my life in order which i'm still doing til this day.I'm working,trying to be civil with her (we haven't had one arguement since i left),buying our sons diapers or whatever they need myself online then having it sent to her.Okay,so,heres the deal now.About two weeks now i guess i had the intuition that something wasn't right.I asked her," are you seeing someone?" to which she replied " yeah,sorta ". Well,shes been spending more and more time with this guy even as going far as going to his mothers for a cookout yesterday.She says they're just friends,but c'mon now i wasn't born yesterday.I'm tired of feeling this way as lately i've talked to her more than i've talked to our kids (it's been eight days since i last talked to my oldest).I'm tired of wondering " what if ".I'm tired of explaining myself to her and how i feel we need to work this out.My mom thinks shes using this guy as someone to not make her think about how shes feeling,but i'm unsure.She still hasn't filed for divorce and i'm just wondering should i play the wait and see approach,or should i just file myself? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
sadintexas Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Do you want to file for divorce? Have there been any talks of reconciliation? From the post I got that she said she wanted a divorce and you moved out and that's pretty much where it's sat for the last couple of months. If you're both in this separation with the intention of working through the issues then her seeing someone else is definitely a deal breaker. Either you need to be moving back into the marital home and she stops seeing this guy, or you acknowledge that you're not reconciling and take what you feel is the appropriate action. If this separation is how it reads, that it was just the first step towards divorce, then her seeing someone else is rather moot. It sounds like maybe you both have different ideas of what this is all about and it's time for a heart to heart about where this is going. I can see where she wouldn't necessarily be in a big hurry to file. You've moved out, still providing reasonable support, you're amicable with each other. But her not filing is not necessarily an indiciation that she doesn't still want the divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gw326 Posted August 18, 2009 Author Share Posted August 18, 2009 No,i definitely dont want the divorce.She does just hasnt filed,nor do i think she will anytime soon if ever.Her family thinks shes crazy for doing this to the kids and i.Her own mother called her selfish and she really is being that way by just thinking about whats for her own good.Not the family we created together. She says this guy is just a friend,and they haven't done anything physical together.I honestly don't believe her.Just a feeling i have,but who knows my feeling could be wrong.I've tried to talk to her several times but she pretty much blows it off.I even sent her flowers not too long ago as a token of how sorry i was which she threw away and got mad asking her mom " why did he send me those? ". I'm unsure of what to do.I'm doing what i need to do for myself and for our kids,yet she hasn't done a damn thing for neither of us.From what i've heard all she does is yell at our oldest son.Mainly because i always dealt with him,and now all the interaction is with her now.He doesn't listen to her as we were trying to potty train him which was going pretty well.Now though he looks at her ,pulls his pull-up down and pees everywhere on the floor.She supposedly is working at night time between the hours of 10pm-2am at a drive-in.I never heard of a drive-in open that late before though.Has anyone? I'm lost at words,not sure what to do anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gw326 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Share Posted August 21, 2009 Figured i would post an update even though i haven't had much interaction so far.Anyways,my wife called me three seperate times and she actually opened up to me.She says she is starting to really like this guy.She knows how i feel and how i just want us to be a family again.I told her about finding a place that offers marriage counseling for free.She didn't say no,or her normal reaction such as " it's too late for that " but she didn't say yeah either.Lately i haven't called her and shes been the one calling me.I'm getting my life in order and i think she realizes that.I hope to be back down in Arkansas by the start of 2010 or sooner if everything works out so i can see my kids.I've decided that she knows how i feel and if she chooses a guy she barely knows over me and our family then thats her loss and something she'll have to think about for a very long time. Take care and god bless, gw Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 gw I think your decision is admirable and respectful...If she doesn't see the blessing in what you are doing you are absolutely right it is her loss...continue to focus on you! You are doing what you can for the kids and will soon be back close to them. I suggest that you keep your distance with her but call the babies and say goodnight once in a while and make a plan for when you will contact them. Show her that you still care about those kids more than anything...that is what should matter the most to both of you...good luck and keep posting...it took me a little while to figure all this out Link to post Share on other sites
Author gw326 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Share Posted August 21, 2009 Thanks Aurora, I'm definitely doing whats best for my kids and myself.I'm supporting the kids basically while she has quit yet another job.She mentioned shes tired of being broke.I guess this new man of hers isn't giving her no money either.She kind of ticked me off as shes starving herself to lose weight though.Even though after all we've been through she is still the mother of my kids.I don't want her to do that to herself as it's not good for her health.I have a big heart,and told her i'll be there for her always again after all the heartache and suffering she has put me through. We set a supposed schedule of when i would be able to talk to my kids as every Wednesday and Saturday.It hasn't happened so far,but aslong as i get to hear from them i'm okay.Believe me though everyday i think about being able to see my kids again.As for my wife and i whether the future holds us working through our problems or not i'll soon find out. Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 with all that said gw...is she really starving herself? what the hell! she has kids to be an example to...get your act in gear quick because your kids need you...show them they have to keep a job no matter how crappy to make ends meet...you both need counseling...I have a feeling that you are not as bad as her...afterall you are getting some advice here. But if you are supporting the kids then you should have them...seems you don't continue to better yourself because the kids are going to need it...I'll keep an eye out for your posts but seriously...she has to grow up and help that schedule to talk to your kids work...she needs to be focused on the kids and herself not the new date! some women need smacked! Link to post Share on other sites
Author gw326 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Share Posted August 21, 2009 Unfortunately she is not eating to lose weight.Says she lost 15 pounds ,so who knows how long this has gone on.Like many of us i hate getting up in the morning to go to work because i HAVE to.If i wasn't working right now my kids wouldn't have the things they do have.At first i was very depressed and would agree i need counseling,but now after this site and another or my family i have waken up and realized this stress isn't worth it.Worry about what i can control and thats it. She says we got married too soon,which i agree with as we had a long-distance relationship for three years then married two months after i moved there to be with her.However,i'll never regret the time we had.Sure i would do things differently in some cases,but we had a good thing going.Really sad to see this being thrown away,but i'll manage to survive one way or another.My son is having tubes put in his ears tomorrow,and this new man of hers is going to be there for it.Even though she says she isn't trying to replace him for me as a fatherly figure i feel that way and it's a slap in the face.Really disrespectful to be treated this way,and i don't deserve it.Yeah,i've made mistakes but nobody is perfect. Again,her loss is she refuses to realize what shes doing.You forgive and forget in life,especially in marriages.Otherwise it will cause problems which we're going through now obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 how far away are you? I know you have to work but what about you being there? To me you should have custody of the kids, you are supporting them and she is not working...does she have family there? long distance relationships should have a good solid communication...tell her what your goals are and that you want to be back with your kids and see if once you get back she will do MC if no...I think she is taking you for granted and with it being a long distance relationship agian she can do as she pleases and you should really consider if being married to her is holding you back especially because you are doing everything to support her and the kids and she seems to just take with no consideration...maybe I am over reacting and maybe the OM is more of a friend (that might be frustrating to her too)...for that long of a long distance relationship I would think that she may be more comfortable with space and support... okay I am ready for bed so I may not be making any sense but I will catch you later...chin up I think you are doing what you can for now but I think you could do better personally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gw326 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Share Posted August 21, 2009 I'm in Ohio where i'm originally from and shes in Arkansas.All my family lives here and hers in Arkansas.You see,all her family is really upset with what shes doing,but i don't think she cares.They have told me whatever happens then i'm still family to them and welcome to their homes anytime when i did come back.I have nobody to watch the kids,or even a bed for them to sleep in as i sleep on the couch myself.Won't have anything when i go back down there as she has everything we owned.Why would the OM be frustrating to her? She has her head so far up his rear end i dont think it can be any further. Basically her reasons for this situation is arguing,me not working,and us not spending time together.Not sure she'll wake up and realize what shes doing.Many people have told me this guy is a rebound guy,and who knows maybe they're right.As i said previously her family is there and shes staying with her mom and step-dad (which by the way is a compulsive liar and her family can't stand.Thats another issue though) along with our kids.I need to get to bed now so i can make it through yet another day of work. Take care.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gw326 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Share Posted August 21, 2009 Alright,my wife called me this morning to tell me she was taking our youngest son to have tubes put in his ears as scheduled so i said call me at work and let me know whats going on.I go to work ,but not even a half hour after working i get a phone call.She said she cant take him again as she nor her mother has gas and has to reschedule it for a third dang time.She did take him to the doctors though.He has an ear infection (no suprise).I asked her to keep him home all day,but shes decided going to a cookout with this new guy of hers is more important than getting our son healthy.I'm pretty ticked off on how she can be so heartless about the health of our child so she can go and have fun. Unlike me,shes seems to be more worried about herself than what should really come first and thats our children.I can deal with (even though it still is hard) us not being together,but this is drawing the line.Am i overreacting here? Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 no youare not overreacting here...man I can't stress enough that I think you need to get your kids if her other man can take her to a bbq then maybe he could take them to the surgery (that child can end up with permenent hearing loss if that is not taken care of, my oldest nephew has to have 3 different surgeries since tubes)...lots of hugs and I hope your child is better soon Link to post Share on other sites
Author gw326 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Share Posted August 21, 2009 I need to figure out a way to make some extra money to get down there sooner.Shes enjoying life since i'm gone,but i promise you if i were there none of this would be going on.Next time we talk we are going to have an interesting discussion.You can tell me you don't love me,tell me whatever.However,her selfish ways are about to come to an end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gw326 Posted August 22, 2009 Author Share Posted August 22, 2009 Well,got one of my goals accomplished.I pick this up next week when i get paid. http://images.autotrader.com/images/2009/6/9/262/336/11898800518.262336368.IM1.06.240x180_A.240x180.jpg Even with all my problems i've been maintaining on gaining control of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Nice gw...take care of it and it will take care of you...baby steps as all the others say keep that control so you can be your kids knight in shining armor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gw326 Posted August 23, 2009 Author Share Posted August 23, 2009 I plan on it.My wifes life is in disarray as mine is getting better.Kind of amazing how i've done a 180 while shes treading in quick sand.Soon i'll be with my boys Link to post Share on other sites
Author gw326 Posted August 25, 2009 Author Share Posted August 25, 2009 Well,just found out some disturbing news from my wifes cousin.I guess shes living with this guy and has been for sometime all while we're still legally married. Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 gw I suggest you file and file soon and get custody of the kids...she is not stable enough for them and that should be her focus and is obviously not...from what you have said Link to post Share on other sites
Author gw326 Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 Sorry been very busy with work and just been too tired to do much afterwards.Some things to update on. First,i had a lengthy discussion with my mother-in-law on Sunday.She doesn't really know what her daughter is thinking and obviously feels very bad for me (as does her other family members).She told me she was upset with me initially because i wasn't working while her daughter and i were still together,but can stand behind me now as i have changed my life for the best now.I'm taking care of my kids the best i can while going through the strenuous time of not being able to be with them.She said she is very proud of me.Anyways,during our discussion she mentioned that if i wanted i could stay with her and her husband for a time so i wouldn't feel the stress of having an apartment while trying to find a job there. I can see some positive things in that,but i'm not sure as it might be best if i did things on my own.Things with my wife aren't going well as she makes it seems either.I guess this guy shes with collects a disability check for roughly $600 per month,and she supposedly started a new job at a place where they have a KFC/Taco Bell in the same place as a cook.However,shes always asking her mother for money and obviously me as well.I have no problem buying things for my kids as they're my responsibility,but i'm not giving her money to support her.She made this decision and it's on her to support herself now. I can proudly say that i haven't cried in a week now as i've realized as yes it does hurt,but it doesn't do me any good to put myself through this misery.My oldest son is turning three the 17th of this month which i'll unfortunately miss,but i plan on getting him a bike with training wheels.I'm looking at being able to watch him ride it soon.Our five year anniversary is coming up next month on the 23rd which i'll miss as well.It will be a tough day for me as it will be a celebration of our love we once had for eachother (well,she once had for me as i haven't changed in the way i feel).She still hasn't filed for divorce yet,so maybe there still is a chance. I've been thinking lately though.I love her yes,but shes actually cheating on me right now as we're still legally married.If we do work on things it will be tough for me to trust her again.At first it would be tough and i would eventually get over the things that have occured.It will take time to make those feelings fade.I'm not sure if i would need to set some guidelines/rules down such as no contact with this man or just trust that if she really wanted to make it work she wouldn't see or talk to him anymore.Um,lets see,we both needing to work.Get back into church as she has always told me she wanted our boys to be brought up in church.Also,MC wouldn't hurt either. Sorry this has been so long.I had a lot to catch up on.Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gw326 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Hey all,hope everyone is doing well.Anyways,a little update.. Spoke to my mother-in-law earlier tonight and found out some interesting news.I guess my wife is finding out the grass isn't greener on the other side as my wife called her yesterday crying and wanting to leave with our kids to live with her mom again.I dont know what went on or anything,but then i guess she called later on saying they worked their problems out.Makes you wonder,doesn't it? I just wish she gave our marriage the chance to work through our problems like she is with this OM.Who knows maybe we will.Time will tell.I plan on being back so i can atleast be with my kids by Mid-November now.Looking forward 'til that day! Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 If she is already having problems with the OM, then things don't bode well for that relationship. You sound like your'e doing really well considering the circumstances. Do you think you could really trust her again if she comes back? Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Hey. I just read your post on LisaUK's thread. Sounds like things have been tough for you emotionally...didn't mean to trivialize your pain by saying that it sounded like you were doing well. How are you holding up these days? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gw326 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 Yes,i'm doing very well.Haven't cried in two weeks now.I miss my boys to death obviously.Do i think i can trust her? Well,honestly no not at first.However,i think because i still do love her after all that has happened i could.I told my mother-in-law a little bit ago that if she wants to make it work between us then great,but if not then thats okay too.Also,mentioned if we did attempt at working at things then i would tell my wife there would be no more contact between the OM and her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gw326 Posted September 7, 2009 Author Share Posted September 7, 2009 didnt see your most recent post,but when i almost overdosed on those pills was when i was severely depressed not too long after i came back to Ohio.I wasn't sleeping,eating,crying uncontrollably,etc.Then finding out she was with the OM almost pushed me to the edge of ending it all.As i said though i'm doing much better.Thanks for asking Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted September 7, 2009 Share Posted September 7, 2009 Glad to hear you're doing well, and that you're considering both possibilities (that she may or may not want to work things out). Keep us updated. Link to post Share on other sites
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