...I REALLY messed up! Is there any way to fix this?

[Mr. Regret]

Ok I know I'm putting myself out here for some harsh critisizim but I need any help or advise I can get. I have no pride and plenty of guilt and shame in the story I'm about to tell. My finacee and I met when I was away at college. I graduated and she moved 800 miles away from her home and family to be with me. She also brought along her little girl of course. Well we were pretty happy together. We'd have our share of fights, but we were both looking forward to getting married next year and spending the rest of our lives together. Well one night we went out to a bar with some friends. We had a good time and we both were feeling drunk when we left. On the ride home my fiancee started in on me about an ex gf of mine that I hadn't talked to for over 2 years. She insisted I had her number in my phone and had been talking to her. So I gave her my phone. She went through it and then became convinced that I had her number hid under someone else's name. Truth be told I didn't have her number at all and could care less to have it. Well my fiancee finds a womans name in my phone and asked me who it was. I honestly couldn't remember who the woman was or why she was in my phone. I had been looking for jobs and thought maybe I had put this number in there to check on a job. Well it's 2AM and my fiancee calls this number. A woman answeres and she asks her why she is in my phone. The lady says that I'm her grandson. She hangs up and starts yelling at me. I tried to explain to her that maybe the lady did have a grandson with the same name as me. Hell I had no idea who this lady was. (Later I realize it's the Avon lady I bought her engagement ring off of) So she starts to go through my phone again to call more people. I didn't want to have to explain this embarassing situation to whomever she called so we struggled for the phone all while I was driving down the road. I finally threw my arm over in her direction and caught her across the head somewhere. She then started hitting me with her fists to the back of my head. So I grabbed her hair and pushed her head down between the seats and held her there by her hair until we got home because I was scared she was going to make us wreck. Now I know I shouldn't have been driving in the first place. I realize a lot of things now believe me. So anyway we get home and I go inside. I'm really mad at this point. Mad she went through my phone. Mad she was punching me while I drove down the highway. So I go back outside where she is and start screaming at her. I notice then that her eyes are swelling. We go inside and we yell some more (mostly me while she cried). I push her. She ends up on the floor crying and I'm standing over her yelling at her. I then held her down with my knees as I continued to yell and call her names. I remember while it was happening it was like I was outside of myself watching me do this and I couldn't believe that was really me. I felt almost like I was possesed. I then tell her to get out of my house. She gets up slowly and I pushed her out the door. I later went out to get her but by then both her eyes were black. I threw my arm at her that one time. That gave her the black eyes or else she hit her face on the cup holder while I pushed her head to the seats. Regardless, it was my fault and I felt horrible. Well a wk later she goes back home to see her family and pick up her daughter who was staying with her mom. She had lied to her mom saying she was in a car wreck but of course her mom didn't believe it. So the following wk they all came and moved her stuff out. Now she is 800 miles away. I honestly believe she still loves me and wants to be with me. I understand she is a bit scared of me and lost trust in me. I also fully understand that her family all hates me now and I don't blame them. Since this I have been going to counseling for my anger. Talking with my pastor, and attending church again. I pray a lot and read the bible. I exercise and of course I cry a lot. I can't forgive myself for this. I love her and her daughter so much and it's my fault they are gone. She tells me she loves and misses me but that we can't be together cause her family hates me. She also has said she thinks her parents will try to get custody of her daughter if she goes back to me cause they don't want her in that environment. I know I would never hurt her again. And I'm doing the counseling and getting back in touch with my faith to ensure that. But it doesn't seem like she will ever stand up and tell her parents she still loves and wants to be with me. And I have very little hope that they will ever trust or respect me ever again. I know there has to be other guys who have done such horrible things and been given a second chance and forgiveness before. How can I even start to repair all of this as far as her feeling safe with me again and her family feeling she's safe with me again? Is there anyway? It's hard living with myself and the guilt day in and day out. I love them both so much and just want to make things right and make them happy again. Any advise is appreciated.

[Mr. Regret]

I would also like to add that she has been gone now for a month and a half. Seems like years. She calls and texts me from time to time crying and telling me she loves and misses me, but then the next day her tune changes and she gets cold and distant and says she's over me. I know she isn't. I know her well. I've expressed how sorry I am. I really do feel horrible over this and I spend every night kicking myself and weeping over this huge mistake I have made. I've expressed to her that I am willing to do whatever I need to do to right this. And I don't expect her to just come back right away, that baby steps are fine with me. I've told her I'd stand in front of her family and take any verbal or even physical attacks they may have for me. My pride has been tossed away and I do feel I deserve whatever they have for me and I will take it. But she says I can't talk to her parents and that my name is never mentioned. It's like I never existed. She even says she doesn't let anyone know she misses and still loves me. I know it's all because she doesn't want to be critisized and called the "dumb girl" in all of this. I don't believe her totally though. I'm sure her closest friends and brother know she misses me. I don't see how they can't. I know a lot of ppl probably feel I don't deserve another chance for what I've done, and maybe they are right? But I'd like to think that love can overcome anything. And we both still do love one another so that gives me hope because that has to be the key ingredient. But she just doesn't seem to be able to bring herself to stand up for that love. She even got to the point where she told me she had moved on and that I should do the same. She told me to stop fighting for her and her love. I fought it and it was hard, but I listened and left her a lone. on the third, fourth, and fifth days she was trying to call and text me telling me she missed me. At first I ignored her like she had asked, but eventually I threw my heart right back in and tried to reassure her that I was serious about working on things and changing myself. Once I did that she backed away again and acted as though she didn't love me. I know I've done all of this to her and I want to help her, to help us but I just don't know where to start or what to do.

[sugarmomma]

You blacked BOTH of her eyes? You are lucky she didn't have you locked up!

 

You have done some serious damage and I would suggest that you take the focus off the relationship completely. Love does not HIT!!

 

You need to seriously stay in counseling to get to the root of why you reacted the way you did? Where did that rage come from? What kind of environment did you grow up in?

 

She should not have gone through your phone but you didn't have to react the way you did. I really think you should just leave her alone and don't get in another r until you work on your issues with rage. Find a support group for male abusers and maybe a rageaholics anonymous meeting or even an emotions anonymous meeting.

 

You need some serious help. I pray that you get it.