C.Chase Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Long time reader and a first time poster. I’m a bit curious of my situation and would like some feedback from the excellent community here. I hope I posted this in the right place... So I met this girl through one of my best friends as she was a long time friend of his, and he tried to hook me up with her. We didn’t speak much and didn’t see her again after that night for 3 months. I didn’t know at the time she had just broken up with her BF. Three months later with the same friend we run into her at a popular club and they talk for about an hour, we didn’t say more than ‘hi’ to each other as I was talking to someone else. So a bit later (week or so..?) I run into her at school and took the initiative to stop her to talk. We actually ended off talking for about an hour and a half (really hit it off at the time) and I brought up the fact that we were having a party at the same friends house the next day and that she should come. So we spend a lot of time talking at this party which turned into a 3 day long nobody left event of a bunch of friends hanging out (this is when I learned that she had broken up with her BF 3 months prior and she was still getting over him). After the party, she, I, and another friend of ours went out to eat. We ended up hanging out for a good 5 hours or so and after he left she invited me over. We hung out on her bed till who knows when in the morning watching TV till I finally leaned over and kissed her. I was very hesitant to do so as I have a loong history of being lead on, bad... I even told her first I was afraid shed shut me down. Anyway, we hung out for a few days, kissed a bunch of times, but I wasn’t very pursuant (regret that). But over these days we talk non stop and she introduces me to her best friend who she talked with about me, she seems into me. One day she stops calling, one word text responses, didn’t know what was up. My friend finds out 2 days later she got back with the ex, so I gave it up and let it be. On to a few days ago. Friend gets a text from her saying she’s going thru rough times and they hang out for the first time since. One of the many things going on is she broke up with the BF a week or so ago. The day I find this out he calls her so we can all hang out (asked me if it was ok first, I said whatever). When she gets there we said hi and I gave her a quick one arm hug as to break any awkwardness. We were all talking and after a bit she starts making eye contact during conversation and talking to me instead of around me. We all end up going out to eat at which time I told her I owed her dinner (cheap stuff) from the months before. She didn’t give me a 'no you don’t' or any negatives so I paid for her. Id say throughout the night we had maybe 2 instances when we were talking just the 2 of us. When she finally left, she just left and that was it. I admit I immediately felt awkward though. She ended up calling my friend again yesterday to see what was up and went to the beach with his GF, they’re thinking about being roommates too (her and the GF). Thing is, over the past 2 days, I thought about it and would like to see what happened and if anything could happen. I know it’s too soon but sometime in the near future possibly? I mean we talked non stop for that week, hung out at her house with her family, she introduced me to her best friend who she talked to about me. Something must have been there, right? I just need some insight on this as ill probably be seeing her around... Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I'll go with nothing in this case. There might be something there or you might just be the rebound guy. It's too hard to tell. You've got to look at her actions. She was at least into you and she did let you kiss her. But then she pulled the biggest cowardly, most spineless move on the face of this planet. She went quiet when she got back with her ex and did the "short" responding until you get mad and leave or your figure things out. Instead of being honest with you, she's a low life coward. That is a huge, HUGE red flag. Another massive red flag is the fact that she's obviously not over her ex and that's a rocky relationship as it is. On again, off again. Do you really want to be a part of this? You were the rebound guy once, she can do it to you again. I wouldn't pursue anything serious with this girl until you've had one hell of a dialog with her about where the hell her head is at. If she can't give you honest answers, ditch her like the spineless jellyfish she is. To be brutal, I wouldn't hold much hope for anything with her. I think she just used you for that week as a sponge and she's moved on with her life. It doesn't mean you can't try, if you think she's worth it then by all means take a chance, but don't be shocked when things don't work out. You can't build up such a great ending in your head only to have your hopes crushed in front of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author C.Chase Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 That was very well put and puts things into very clear perspective. I don’t want to push it as you’re probably right and there’s a good chance it was just a rebound. Just caught me off guard when she got excited and started letting me in and showing me off, but I guess that’s all part of it. It sucks, but at least it was only a week, not nearly as bad as my 3 year on again off again was to end. I wouldn’t shut out the possibility, I mean she is a pretty cool girl, but I won’t put any emotion into something that isn’t there. Hope for the best, plan for the worst maybe. But if not it’s nothing major. I guess the worst of it will be if she sticks around the group, don’t know how that will play out. Thanks for the advice, definitely made a lot of sense to me. Shame things work this way… BTW thanks for considering all outcomes instead of just declaring the probably not’s as impossible; Even though the remote likelihood is obvious. Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 Here is a simple test to do with this girl. The wise sage Carhill once suggested it to me. I tried it and was stunned by the results. Date another girl in front of this girl or at least ask her to set you up with one of her single female friends. Watch how she reacts. You'll find out in less than .001 seconds if she's "just a friend." Link to post Share on other sites
JimmyB26 Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 WTRanger... Could you elaborate on this a little bit? The reason I ask is that my ex has been trying to pull me back even though she's got a LDR bf and she's in a casual relationship with him (it's apparently casual because with his knowledge and "blessing" she is allowing another heterosexual male friend, not me of course, to sleep over in her bed, she still goes out with me at times, etc., even offered to go to an out of town wedding as my date). I asked if I could pursue one of her friends and she said she wasn't sure she liked the idea of me dating her friends, but that I could try if I wanted. My ex and I were at a concert together on Monday and she was asking about details of all the dates I'd been on recently, whether I've scored or how far I've gotten, stuff like that, stuff that she never hears me asking her. During the course of the night at the concert I got calls from two different women, and texted a third, and she announced to her sister the news as I told her that I've got five dates this week alone. I could tell in her eyes that she was very jealous. So what should I be taking away from all this? Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Sure. It's a fairly simple test. For me, all of my female friends whom I just consider friends I have zero romantic feelings for. Therefore I can see them with their husbands, boyfriends etc and I feel zero feelings of jealousy. I'm happy for them and I move on with my life. However, girls I do have feelings or crushes on if I see them with another guy I get that annoying pang in my gut. That one that says it should be you and her, and not some other dude. The same goes in reverse. Granted not everyone really likes playing match maker but she should also have no problem hooking you up with a friend she might think is compatible with you. How recent is your ex? She could not be totally over you just yet. It takes time to get over someone. Was the split brutal or was it mutual? Since the two of you are hanging out, I've got to guess it was somewhat mutual. Link to post Share on other sites
JimmyB26 Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 She's much younger than me, and I was with her while I was getting divorced. She fell in love with me and I couldn't be there for her like I should have emotionally. She split up with me. I'm basically on a backburner now. I'm not a friend, and I'm not a boyfriend. She's got this LDR now, with a guy her own age, but he's basically a doormat because he's okay with her sleeping in the same bed as a heterosexual platonic friend who she used to date (not me). He's okay with me taking her out for her birthday, giving her a birthday gift, having her use it on me (concert tickets)... She even offered to be my date to an out of town wedding. Every time I've stopped initiating contact and pulled away, she's tried to pull me back in. She's very jealous of me dating other women, and asks me intimate details about the dates I go on, whether I score or not, even mentioned she'd be investigating one of the girls through facebook connections. Every time we're out together she thanks me the next day for an incredible time. I've mentioned that eventually a woman who I'm dating is not going to understand an intimate friendship with a much younger exgirlfriend who I was sleeping with while still married, and she begs me stay in her life instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author C.Chase Posted August 23, 2009 Author Share Posted August 23, 2009 Its funny I had an experience just like yours not too long ago, actually relating to the girl from my above post. The week we dated, my ex who I am still extremely close to I’m assuming similar to you with yours FREAKED when I failed to tell her I was dating this girl within the first night. I explained to her I didn’t want to tell anybody, not knowing where it was going yet and she got mad I defended myself. She asked me about the same intimate details and wanted to know everything. Best part... She even asked when she gets to meet her. I explained similarly as you did that a girl I just started dating might find it odd and uncomfortable the intimate friendship we have and shed probably be scared off. She only became insulted, explaining that her BF knows about us, so I must be wrong. She kept claiming that she only asked all these questions because such close friends should tell each other everything and we shouldn’t hide anything. I reassuringly told her I wasn’t hiding anything, I only didn’t want to discuss what wasn’t certain of yet, but it was clear it only seemed like jealousy, regardless of the fact she loves to tell me how she loves hearing about things like this and they never bother her at all. Just thought it was relevant, didn’t know others thought like mine does. Link to post Share on other sites
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