A Modest Proposal (does this sound stupid?)

[drawmonkey]

I"m trying to maintain NC, though I briefly broke it yesterday with a nice text. I'm going to try to maintain it as long as humanly possible this time. I do hope we get to talk at some point, though.

 

And one thing I've been thinking of asking her for the last week is this:

 

To give me one month of her time. Go back to dating, though with some limitations. Remove the sexual aspect, get rid of the "I love you forever" talk from both sides. Set up some dates and activities and just spend a few weeks having fun and talking, with no expectations that things will go further. I won;t harass her about the relationship, but expect to talk some about the problems that arose. But mainly just enjoy each other's company. And if in those 4 weeks I can't demonstrate through my actions that I AM the man she thought I was before and that this new vision of me is artifice, then we split up, but do it as friends.

 

Does this sound unreasonable? (Waits for the stoning to come...)

[Thaddeus]

Does this sound unreasonable? (Waits for the stoning to come...)

No stones are gonna be hurled your way, at least not from me.

 

But frankly I don't think this is a good idea. I mean, I understand the intent, but you're still putting (and keeping) her in the same power imbalance. In the scenario which you've outlined, she's got all the power to say yay or nay.

 

Read your post again:

 

• "To give me one month of her time..."
  
• "Remove the sexual aspect..."
  
• "...if in those 4 weeks I can't demonstrate through my actions that I AM the man she thought I was..."
  

See what I mean?

 

What about your needs? What about your desires? Are they unimportant?

 

It still appears that you're trying to curry her favor. She'll pick up on that and lose respect for you. She may like you as a friend (ugh...), but she won't be interested in you as a potential partner.

[joseffrost]

If you try to reduce a relationship down to logic, it will reduce you to a quivering wreck. Some things just don't make sense and don't seem right. This is true of falling in love just as much as falling out of it.

 

I fully understand what you are trying to achieve, and I'm sure I thought up something similar back in darker days, but as well intentioned as it may be, it only serves to show off your weaknesses. If you fell out of love, dumped a girl and she offered to spend a month with you to try to make you love her again, what would you say?

[drawmonkey]

But frankly I don't think this is a good idea. I mean, I understand the intent, but you're still putting (and keeping) her in the same power imbalance. In the scenario which you've outlined, she's got all the power to say yay or nay.

 

Very true, but she does now anyway, so... =)

 

What about your needs? What about your desires? Are they unimportant?

 

My needs are pretty simple. Other than feeling I need this relationship in my life, my overriding need right now is to have the opportunity to talk and try to demonstrate that she's made the wrong choice. I just want the CHANCE. I don't want her to just go "yes". I just want the opportunity to talk about it and for her to entertain the notion. Those are my needs. Otherwise I have no problems with her. she treated me wonderfully otherwise.

 

It still appears that you're trying to curry her favor. She'll pick up on that and lose respect for you. She may like you as a friend (ugh...), but she won't be interested in you as a potential partner.

 

I totally am. She got a distort image of me in her head and I want to correct that. I think I've already lost that respect, and I want to regain it. I just wish she'd talk to me.

[drawmonkey]

If you try to reduce a relationship down to logic, it will reduce you to a quivering wreck. Some things just don't make sense and don't seem right. This is true of falling in love just as much as falling out of it.

 

I fully understand what you are trying to achieve, and I'm sure I thought up something similar back in darker days, but as well intentioned as it may be, it only serves to show off your weaknesses. If you fell out of love, dumped a girl and she offered to spend a month with you to try to make you love her again, what would you say?

 

Yeah, I see your point. The difference here is that she says she does still love me, but love is not enough because she is worried we will have problems in the future. We had no problems so far...this is why it's so screwed up. She got scared of potential conflicts and ran off before they could ever happen.

 

She says she loves me, she just fears I'm not "the right man" for her in the long run. Not that she KNOWS, but she doesn't know. These are her words. She hasn't fallen out of love and she even said that to me. She's just run away and closed down.

 

This is why the proposal idea popped into my head.

[Ronni_W]

I like your plan in general, but perhaps would suggest that you try to minimize the bulk of your neediness and 'me, me, me' perspective before you actually approach her.

Take a look at the highlights:

My needs are pretty simple. Other than feeling I need this relationship in my life, my overriding need right now is to have the opportunity to talk and try to demonstrate that she's made the wrong choice. I just want the CHANCE. I don't want her to just go "yes". I just want the opportunity to talk about it and for her to entertain the notion. Those are my needs.

 

From that, it's obvious you want a month with her just so that you can get YOUR needs met...your needs for a chance, for fun, for talking, for "proving" yourself to her, etc. What about what SHE wants and needs?

 

What if SHE wants and needs you to NOT make her the centre of your positive self-image and high self-esteem? Putting that burden on somebody else, when it's really your self-responsibility and obligation is such a relationship killer...sooner or later it will deplete and exhaust her all over again, IME.

 

You are forcing your personal power onto someone else, not just giving it away. But possibly you're not recognizing how onerous and frustrating that is on the person whom you want to take responsibility for your own stuff.

 

I think, work on becoming more self-responsible, and THEN see if she's willing to give you a month of her life.

 

EDIT: And I missed that you also need/want to make her wrong. That ain't the way to win anybody's heart. It really isn't.

[justletgo07]

My advice would be to stop paying attention to what she says, and start paying attention to her actions. People give all sorts of reasons and excuses for ending relationships. Some are true, and some are less so. People who are really "in love" don't break up over fear, or uncertainty, and those who have fallen out of love rarely can be shown that they are "wrong." Most people are willing to overcome huge obstacles, and overlook tremendous shortcomings when they are in love.

 

Regardless, the point you need to pay attention to is that she doesn't want to be with you right now. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. If she wanted to talk to you, she would contact you.

 

I'm sorry to sound a tad harsh, but I'm only trying to help you. I know you want to think that this is just some error in judgement, and that if you could only open her eyes to the truth then everything would be ok. I believe she did you a disservice by giving you that explanation. That's just not how it works. You're trying to bargain with her, and bargaining is one of the stages of grief. It's normal, but you should realize that it is also in vain. Nothing you can do can change the way she feels, or make her fall back in love with you when she is not. This is why NC is often so important following a break up. You're in fix-it mode, just like we all have been, and you just can't see right now that all you'd be accomplishing is putting pressure on your ex and making yourself look kind of pitiful (again, not meant as an insult).

 

We've all done and tried these sorts of things, and in Hollywood a move like this would probably work great, but unfortunately gestures like these rarely bare fruit in the real world.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[drawmonkey]

I got 2 texts from her tonight.

 

The first was a very long one in response to my last text. She said she accepted my apology, told me how special our time together was, told me I deserve to be truly happy and wished me well. Kind of the brush off "bon voyage" message.

 

I decided "screw it" and texted her back. I thanked her for the kind message but said I would still like to talk with her. A little smiley face emoticon as punctuation.

 

She responded she was in a movie and now was not the best time, smiley face included there as well. I told her no problem and left it there.

 

So that sounds like she's still got her mind made up, but is at least willing to talk and give me some closure. And it sounded as if she would've called me then but couldn't. I was expecting a "no", being ignored, or at best a 'when I'm ready" comment.

 

So I'm still assuming it's still over but I'm more hopeful than I was earlier. I've been hurting so much because of the lack of communication. It's honestly all I want. I may just get some answers which will enable me to move on. And then there's the slight hope that by talking with me she'll be getting on the path that leads her back to my arms. Doubtful, I know, but if we don't talk I don't see it happening any other way.