teddy0153 Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I know many people have written in about this, but my story has a few complications. First off, I think that a bachelor party involving a strip club is understandable in most circumstances. I don't love the idea, but I understand it. However, my fiance and I have had many ups and downs in our past. A few years ago I found out that he did some inappropriate things with other girls, but it was during a time that we were not doing well in our relationship. (I was depressed and had a problem with alcohol). Anyway, we worked everything out, I got help, and we went to couples therapy where we were able to understand each other. Now, two years later, everything has been almost perfect and he asked me to marry him. Since those two years he has not done anything questionable, and has been completely trustworthy. The only problem I have is that his friends don't have the highest morals. One guy who isn't even a friend (he is a friends friend of whom my fiance went to his bachelor party and has hung out with him a handful of times) hired a prostitute to go into a bachelors room at that party. Another is his friend from college whom I've never met who previously worked as a bouncer at a strip club in Vegas (which makes me think that he has connections and could hook them up with a private party or whatever they want). The thing that worries me is that my fiance hasn't invited anyone to the party who I feel like has our best interest as a couple at heart. Whenever we talk about this, he accuses me of not trusting him and says I need to think about whether or not I want to marry him. It is very hurtful to me when he says that because I do trust him, I just don't agree with his decision not to invite any guys that love us as a couple (such as his brothers, or mutual friends). I am worried because since I have never been to a bachelor party, I have read many other threads on the subject. So many people say that they can get out of control and do things with strippers that would be considered illegal. I also know that it is not every day where a man is surrounded by alcohol, naked girls, and friends who try to pressure them into doing wrong. I would like to know if people think I am overreacting and should trust him in any situation, or any suggestions of what to say to him to reinforce the fact that I trust him even though I'm uncomfortable. Thank You everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 Paragraphs. Use them please. Did not read. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I do not think that the big issue here is the actual bachelor party, it rarely is. Voice your concerns to your fiance and if there are certain things that are unacceptable to you let that be known. I think that a lot of your concerns stem from the past which is understandable. I'm also a bride to be. I am having a bachelorette party in Vegas. While I think the idea is silly my friends want to do it and I know I will have a blast. We are seeing chip n dales and thunder down under My SO is going to a music festival in Texas with friends for his. I have no idea if strippers will be involved at some time during the trip. I know I'm more relaxed about these things than many women but in my opinion a drunken night with strippers isn't going to change things. If the man you're going to marry is head over heels in love with you and committed for life, a wild night won't change that. If you're marrying a jerk who will cheat on you and bail on the relationship when things get tough, he'll still be that jerk, strippers and wild party or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Vegas777 Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I have lived in Vegas for a while and organized many bachelor parties. I have become good at it and nothing surprises me any more. In all honesty, a bachelor party is for the bachelor's friends. 90% of the time its about getting him wasted and embarrassing him. Very few times have I ever had a bachelor ask for a little something on the side from the stripper. It might make you feel comfortable to know that it is actually very hard to find girls to do that. Actually let me clarify - its hard to find girls who will entertain a bachelor party and provide those services. They are out there, but you can't expect every stripper to come through the door to pull tricks at the end of her lap dance. I also know that it is not every day where a man is surrounded by alcohol, naked girls, and friends who try to pressure them into doing wrong. And yes, it happens every day since I live in Vegas. And I have no problems Honestly - I would look your fiancee in the eyes and tell him you know hes going to go get crazy in Vegas but you trust him with your whole heart and you look forward to the life you are going to spend together. Maybe someday you two could go to Vegas and get "crazy" together also (i.e. visit a strip club). just my two cents Link to post Share on other sites
CLC2008 Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 I think this goes both ways, (case in point see video), but I think the difference is the men aren't as naked and men are more visual than women. Link to post Share on other sites
AlektraClementine Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Yikes. Yeah, I attended a bachelorette party recently and was utterly appalled at the goings on. I was the ONLY woman there who was behaving (i.e. not dancing with the stripper/not touching the stripper). This was a private dancer hired to come to the home of the woman who hosted. There was all sorts of stuff (not unlike what we see in that video) and MUCH worse. I'm talking, stripper head under skirts, man parts in the hands of married women. It's funny. I'm engaged now but at the time, we were just bf/gf. All the other women there were married. And they were engaging in highly inappropriate behavior. I wonder (maybe I should start a thread) how much men would rethink the idea of strippers at their bachelor parties if the really knew what went on at bachelorette parties where strippers are involved. Perhaps they wouldn't be so quick to classify the use of dancers as "harmless fun". Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Point blank- Tell your future mate that it IS NOT that you don't trust him. Its that you don't know the other folks involved enough "TO TRUST". Huge difference in perspective. I personally think if you let a diabetic into a candy store they are going to taste/sample the goods. Weird analogy but its a point just the same. You are not being anything but protective of that which you value. Your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Yikes. Yeah, I attended a bachelorette party recently and was utterly appalled at the goings on. I was the ONLY woman there who was behaving (i.e. not dancing with the stripper/not touching the stripper). This was a private dancer hired to come to the home of the woman who hosted. I think you're over reacting, maybe even need to lighten up a bit To many people, like to my SO and I it's not a huge deal, just harmless fun. If I danced with a stripper at a bachelorette party my fiance would think it was funny, to us it's not crossing the line. Each relationship has different boundaries and different levels of comfort. I'm marrying a man with who I share total and complete love, lust, respect and trust. We're too solid to take a stripper at a party so seriously. What is appalling to you is silly fun to us, and what may be unacceptable to us, is ok for you. Link to post Share on other sites
AlektraClementine Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 I think you're over reacting, maybe even need to lighten up a bit To many people, like to my SO and I it's not a huge deal, just harmless fun. If I danced with a stripper at a bachelorette party my fiance would think it was funny, to us it's not crossing the line. Each relationship has different boundaries and different levels of comfort. I'm marrying a man with who I share total and complete love, lust, respect and trust. We're too solid to take a stripper at a party so seriously. What is appalling to you is silly fun to us, and what may be unacceptable to us, is ok for you. You're absolutely correct about personal boundaries being different from relationship to relationship. We won't be having strippers at our parties either. We've chatted about having our parties separately on the same evening and meeting up later at a strip club to have some laughs. But I still stand by my earlier post. The bachelorette in question (at the party I attended) actually played with the stripper's bare penis. That wouldn't be tolerated any other night of the year. So why that night? A little dancing could be classified as "harmless". But not touching and simulating sex. IMHO. Luckily, my fiance and I share the same view and subsequently the same boundary. That's what it's all about. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 I do not think you are overreacting. At all. You are tolerant enough to find a bachelor party at a strip club "undestandable" even if you dislike the idea. Some women would not be so understanding (I know I wouldn't! ). So while you are willing to accept the visit to a strip club even if it bothers you, he is not willing to accept such a little request as having someone who is a friend of the couple at the bachelor party. I think that even the most trusting person would find the situation unconfortable and might wonder what he, or his friends, might be up to. It's not like you asked for your father or your elder brother or a friend who has feelings for you to be invited... I also think that this Whenever we talk about this, he accuses me of not trusting him and says I need to think about whether or not I want to marry him. is emotional blackmailing. Big red flag. Honestly, I would listen to him and *actually* think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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