I just dont get it

[NOTSURE7]

ok i am sure i will take heat for this one but i keep reading these posts over and over again where the ws just cant get over the op, they claim there love for their bs and how much they are doing,saying and realizing about their bs and their marriage and how loving and caring etc etc their bs is and how they made such a mistake but then you see post after post of ws who just cant get over the op and sometimes years later are still trying to get past them and are still trying to understand why the op did this or that...

 

so most of you know my story and i am a wh who just confessed all to my w 6 weeks ago and i am working on my m.. who knows maybe i am unique but i just dont get all the pining over the op and the wondering and the therapy needed to get over this op..

 

The op was in the a for there own reasons too, the A happened and now its over, you both served your purposes and the good times are through, time to move on and get over it..

 

again i am sure i will hear it for this one but i just dont get all the pining,the A is over and most likely the op could care less and wants to move on with there life, the A was about good times they dont want to deal with the aftermath or all the crap,so if you really want to be true to your bs then its time to move on..dont ya think?

 

i guess my question is if you sit here and say how sorry you are and that you realize your bs is so caring and loving and that you can beleive you did this to them and you want your m to work, dosent it seem ridiculous to be expending time and energy on the op still when you should be focusing on only your bs?

[stampdaddy]

oh man... I cant wait to watch this one unfold....

[NOTSURE7]

oh man... I cant wait to watch this one unfold....

 

lol, i am prepared for the heat...

[MistyK]

who knows maybe i am unique but i just dont get all the pining over the op and the wondering and the therapy needed to get over this op..

 

In fairness, you are unique. The day before you confessed you said you loved and couldn't live without your MW. The next day, she was dogmeat. There are lots of people who aren't able to shut off their emotions like a faucet.

 

Honestly it sounds more and more like you used the MW like your own personal toy without much regard for her and obviously the depth of what you said was your feelings for her was completely false. Maybe you needed to think you loved her to feel less guilty about the A.

 

The op was in the a for there own reasons too, the A happened and now its over, you both served your purposes and the good times are through, time to move on and get over it..

 

So in your version, all the OP's are using the MP and don't develop genuine feelings either? Seriously?

 

the A is over and most likely the op could care less and wants to move on with there life,

 

You've seen the OW board right? You can't possibly believe this.

 

the A was about good times they dont want to deal with the aftermath or all the crap,

 

Again I refer you to the OW board. Does it sound like any of us are having "good times"? It's all crap for the AP during the A and after it's over (no matter how it ends), it's always worse, at least for a little while.

 

i guess my question is if you sit here and say how sorry you are and that you realize your bs is so caring and loving and that you can beleive you did this to them and you want your m to work, dosent it seem ridiculous to be expending time and energy on the op still when you should be focusing on only your bs?

 

Again, most people can't shut their emotions off like you apparently can, or they simply had deeper emotion to begin with. I'mnot sure you had any at all for your MW.

[confusedinkansas]

Again, most people can't shut their emotions off like you apparently can, or they simply had deeper emotion to begin with. I'mnot sure you had any at all for your MW.

 

This is SO true - for most. Emotions are not like a water faucet. I for one couldn't turn mine off. I have known my AP for over 4 years now & although our affair itsself didn't really last more than 1 1/2 yrs (off & on) I still had feelings for him even up to about 8 months or so ago. They had faded over time & are all but gone at this point - but it was a slow process.

 

My situation is very much different than yours NS but it still didn't turn off on the day my husband found out about the affair.

[angie2443]

Again, most people can't shut their emotions off like you apparently can, or they simply had deeper emotion to begin with. I'mnot sure you had any at all for your MW.

 

I think many men can. I don't think the majority would find a need to post here on LS, though.

[Lucky_One]

So, NOTSURE, your affair partner was just a piece of p*ssy to you? No emotions?

 

In that case, sure, I can see why you don't pine over her.

 

On the other hand, I can't understand why you would risk your marriage and the wife you claim to love so much over some emotionless sex.

 

But I believe that most APs have some sort of emotional connection if they are in an EMA situation (rather than a ONS or agreed-upon FB situation).

[NOTSURE7]

what i am saying is not a general question to an ow, i am talking more in the realm of a ws who either gets caught or confesses,i am not talking about ow in general..

 

i am specifically referring to the ws who says they are remourseful and that they want their bs and there marriage and that they cant beleive they had the A and that there bs is so wonderful etc etc..

 

i just dont see how they can say all that about their bs but yet still be hung up on the op and still be so emotionally scarred.

 

if the op was who they wanted then they should have left their bs,but if they are going to say wow i realized what i did wrong,wow my bs is so caring and loving and i am so happy that i have them, then really is it fair to also be wondering and pining and saying its just so hard to get over the op..

 

i mean really, the op is gone for whatever reason,if this was so emotional and so loving and this was really your soulmate etc etc then they wouldnt be gone..i beleive that when people are in the A they are in a dream world of soorts and some still want to live in that dreamworld and blame their op for failures within themselves, i beleive that if you decide you want your bs and your marriage then that shoud be the focus, not some long lost dream of why the op did this or why the op didnt care or why the op dosent still wonder or call me etc etc, over should be over if you truly want to be fair to your bs and give it a real chance.

[aeh]

NS, you knew I was going to pipe in, didn't you?? You and my H sound so much alike! He says the same thing. Of course, that is what he is going to tell me though. But in all of the analyzing, laying things out on the table however brutal they were, etc he says the exact same things.

 

I have to confess something though, NS. I know I'll get in trouble for this, too. I went out and had a revenge affair myself with an old boyfriend.. Lasted two weeks. I was honest with my H about it. (You might recall that I am STILL in the midst of hysterical bonding here, 8 weeks post d-day). Yep, me...the so-called "good girl"...the rule-follower....I stooped to his level. Two wrongs definitely don't make a right, I know. But here I am. That was my validation. The feeling of reclaiming my desirability. If anyone had told me how this summer was going to go for me, I wouldn't have believed them in a million years. But you know what? At this point (now this might all change later), it was the best remedy for me. Made me feel less "like a victim". Made me feel empowered. Also helped me to take the images of my H and his AP out of my head and replace them with some new thoughts/images. It's over. My old boyfriend (who happens to be recently divorced) immediately jumped back into emotions right where we left off almost twenty years ago. For me, the emotions weren't there. I was/am still in love with my H. (Yeah, how crazy is that?!!? In love with my H and I go off and have a RA not knowing if I even cared what would happen in the aftermath..I was so enraged...and like the lunatic that I was/am felt completely "justified"...I know, it's warped). So, I was with my AP and after the first twenty minutes of thinking, "OMG! OMG! OMG!" I was right into it. And the other crazy aspect of it was that I know I would never end up with my AP...never in a million years...and even though I would definitely say it was great sex..I still kept thinking, "Oh, he doesn't do this like my H." or "It sure would be easier to have an orgasm with my H".

 

Anyway, I went to my AP with one purpose--to validate myself with sex. I do enjoy his company, he made me feel amazing, but in the end, I was using him. For him, it was zero to 200MPH immediately. He was telling me he loves me, wants to be with me for the rest of his life, for me to have his child (!!??? my kids are teenagers!) and I just knew it was for a finite time. I did get excited about texting him, seeing him, but I was able to turn it off immediately. Crazy....

[NOTSURE7]

So, NOTSURE, your affair partner was just a piece of p*ssy to you? No emotions?

 

In that case, sure, I can see why you don't pine over her.

 

On the other hand, I can't understand why you would risk your marriage and the wife you claim to love so much over some emotionless sex.

 

But I believe that most APs have some sort of emotional connection if they are in an EMA situation (rather than a ONS or agreed-upon FB situation).

 

i had emotions in the A, and when you are in these Affairs you are in a fog and a dream world and you justify that this op is the greatest thing in the world, you do this because that way you can also justify the risks your taking..so within the A its full of emotion but really when you look back on it, its all bs, its 2 people who were selfish and used eachother to serve their own purposes, the feelings were affair feelings and had nothing to do with the real world crap that you and your bs go through on a daily basis...

 

so now if you decide that this op/soulmate is not even worth keeping in your life, its really time to grow up and move on..

 

my A was all bs though like most Affairs are, they have a purpose and then its time to move on, if the person was this long lost soulmate that most claim they were and you honestly couldnt be without them then why would you even get rid of them in the first place?...

[stampdaddy]

Dude, you are doing a good job snowing yourself, but I dont think you are gonna snow anybody here... And I mean that with all due respect..

 

oh, and I dont think you'll be able to snow your wife for very long either

[NOTSURE7]

NS, you knew I was going to pipe in, didn't you?? You and my H sound so much alike! He says the same thing. Of course, that is what he is going to tell me though. But in all of the analyzing, laying things out on the table however brutal they were, etc he says the exact same things.

 

I have to confess something though, NS. I know I'll get in trouble for this, too. I went out and had a revenge affair myself with an old boyfriend.. Lasted two weeks. I was honest with my H about it. (You might recall that I am STILL in the midst of hysterical bonding here, 8 weeks post d-day). Yep, me...the so-called "good girl"...the rule-follower....I stooped to his level. Two wrongs definitely don't make a right, I know. But here I am. That was my validation. The feeling of reclaiming my desirability. If anyone had told me how this summer was going to go for me, I wouldn't have believed them in a million years. But you know what? At this point (now this might all change later), it was the best remedy for me. Made me feel less "like a victim". Made me feel empowered. Also helped me to take the images of my H and his AP out of my head and replace them with some new thoughts/images. It's over. My old boyfriend (who happens to be recently divorced) immediately jumped back into emotions right where we left off almost twenty years ago. For me, the emotions weren't there. I was/am still in love with my H. (Yeah, how crazy is that?!!? In love with my H and I go off and have a RA not knowing if I even cared what would happen in the aftermath..I was so enraged...and like the lunatic that I was/am felt completely "justified"...I know, it's warped). So, I was with my AP and after the first twenty minutes of thinking, "OMG! OMG! OMG!" I was right into it. And the other crazy aspect of it was that I know I would never end up with my AP...never in a million years...and even though I would definitely say it was great sex..I still kept thinking, "Oh, he doesn't do this like my H." or "It sure would be easier to have an orgasm with my H".

 

Anyway, I went to my AP with one purpose--to validate myself with sex. I do enjoy his company, he made me feel amazing, but in the end, I was using him. For him, it was zero to 200MPH immediately. He was telling me he loves me, wants to be with me for the rest of his life, for me to have his child (!!??? my kids are teenagers!) and I just knew it was for a finite time. I did get excited about texting him, seeing him, but I was able to turn it off immediately. Crazy....

 

ok eventhough i told you you shouldnt stoop to his level you are at least showing my point here, that these Affairs serve a purpose between 2 selfish people who are so needy they come together and have an A.its like an agreement of sorts.

 

If this was really the long lost soulmate and they were so amazing, nothing and i mean nothing would stop you from being with them forever,yet ws after ws write post after post on here saying how they want their bs and thier m to work and they are so sorry and realize how wrong they were etc etc and yet they also months and years later are wondering why the op didnt call on their birthday or didnt care about them after the A and they cant get that piece of their heart back etc etc, its Ridiculous..

 

aeh, you should have stayed true to yourself, you may think you have, but you havent solved one problem and probably only created more.

[NOTSURE7]

Dude, you are doing a good job snowing yourself, but I dont think you are gonna snow anybody here... And I mean that with all due respect..

 

oh, and I dont think you'll be able to snow your wife for very long either

 

you are welcome to your opinion...but i really dont have any feelings for my mow anymore, i dont wonder,i dont pine etc etc...

 

im not looking to snow anyone here,just looking to understand it all..

 

also i am not "snowing my w" at all, i have been honest and open since dday and we are creating a strong foundation in the midst of this overwhelming devastation i have caused her..

 

but i can tell you if i had these thoughts like others out there seem to have about there ow, i wouldnt be able to give my w all i have, so when someone claims to be so sorry and want there bs but yet they cant let the op or the emotions go, i just dont get it, i just dont see how you can do and say both, thats all i am saying..

[silktricks]

mmmm - I just think it depends on the people, the reason for the affair, etc.... there are far too many variables for a nice and tidy "things should happen this way" resolution.

[confusedinkansas]

but i really dont have any feelings for my mow anymore, i dont wonder,i dont pine etc etc...

Then you must be the exception to the rule. Because from reading here - Once a person is in your life at the capacity of an affair - I would think there's always a little "wonder"...(Not pining away for them - I get that) - But to not even wonder. You spent that much time with someone, came to care about them & their family, etc. & you can just turn it off? Good for you. Wish I was that tough!

As I have said before - there are times that he creeps into my mind & yep - I wonder. Don't do a damn thing about it - but sometimes I wonder.

[PhoenixRise]

Notsure

 

There are pages on top of pages on top of more pages of you going on and on about your all fired love for your OW and about the soulmateness of your relationship with her. You talked for pages about blending your families and how you needed the OW so YOU could finally be happy in your life. AND you talked for even more pages about the love that was never there for your wife.

 

Then you flipped on a dime and discovered a deep love for your wife and the OW was not even a blip on your radar.

 

AND all this within the last 2 1/2 months.

 

 

You posting now about WS not being consistant in their emotions and actions is truly the pot calling the kettle black.

 

 

 

I think you take compartmentalizing to a whole new level.

[NOTSURE7]

mmmm - I just think it depends on the people, the reason for the affair, etc.... there are far too many variables for a nice and tidy "things should happen this way" resolution.

 

But here in lies my point,i dont agree that it depends on the reasons the reasons for an A are really all the same, we are selfish,self serving,needy and have a sense of entitlement..

 

you can add all the variables you want,my wife didnt do this,my husband did this or that,im neglected,im lonely, blah blah blah etc etc, , all just pure bs and justifcation for our selfish actions..

[stampdaddy]

you are welcome to your opinion...but i really dont have any feelings for my mow anymore, i dont wonder,i dont pine etc etc...

 

im not looking to snow anyone here,just looking to understand it all..

 

also i am not "snowing my w" at all, i have been honest and open since dday and we are creating a strong foundation in the midst of this overwhelming devastation i have caused her..

 

but i can tell you if i had these thoughts like others out there seem to have about there ow, i wouldnt be able to give my w all i have, so when someone claims to be so sorry and want there bs but yet they cant let the op or the emotions go, i just dont get it, i just dont see how you can do and say both, thats all i am saying..

 

Well, in my case, the MW found it more "convenient" to stay home.... didnt have to rock the boat, disrupt the kids, OR have a marriage to work on... Now she is getting her ass handed to her..

[aeh]

hey, ns, a question Not really on topic, but I forgot your OW was married...(like my H's was)

 

During the A, were you jealous of the MOW's husband? Did you wonder if they had sex?

[PhoenixRise]

Just for the record:

 

I don't think that anybody should stay in a marriage while pining away for someone else.

 

I do think some self examination in the wake of an affair is good though.

[NOTSURE7]

Notsure

 

There are pages on top of pages on top of more pages of you going on and on about your all fired love for your OW and about the soulmateness of your relationship with her. You talked for pages about blending your families and how you needed the OW so YOU could finally be happy in your life. AND you talked for even more pages about the love that was never there for your wife.

 

Then you flipped on a dime and discovered a deep love for your wife and the OW was not even a blip on your radar.

 

AND all this within the last 2 1/2 months.

 

 

 

 

You posting now about WS not being consistant in their emotions and actions is truly the pot calling the kettle black.

 

 

 

I think you take compartmentalizing to a whole new level.

 

lol, those posts were made in a daze,i was in justification mode for my selfish,needy,self serving,sense of entitlment self...

 

truth is when i took a step back after the A, i was in a complete dreamland,i realized that i always had love for my w but had no clue how to verbalize it and how to truly love her the way she deserved..,now i am doing that and things are changing...so call it a flip flop etc etc but the fact of the matter is when that A fog clears you can see alot clearer and i do now.

[NOTSURE7]

hey, ns, a question Not really on topic, but I forgot your OW was married...(like my H's was)

 

During the A, were you jealous of the MOW's husband? Did you wonder if they had sex?

 

honestly i never cared, i assumed she was but really didnt care...

[whichwayisup]

I'm going against the grain here, but I think NS is one of the few who may have (in hindsight) realized what he felt for his OW wasn't based on reality, it was totally fantasy and all about him. Maybe he did love her, but it wasn't the kind of love that is long lasting, otherwise he would have chosen the OW over his wife and children. Seems he really got caught up in the romance of it all, but once he confessed he realized where his true feelings lay..With his wife.

 

He knows how he feels, so who are we to tell him any different.

[PhoenixRise]

lol, those posts were made in a daze,i was in justification mode for my selfish,needy,self serving,sense of entitlment self...

 

truth is when i took a step back after the A, i was in a complete dreamland,i realized that i always had love for my w but had no clue how to verbalize it and how to truly love her the way she deserved..,now i am doing that and things are changing...so call it a flip flop etc etc but the fact of the matter is when that A fog clears you can see alot clearer and i do now.

 

That was a hell of a daze Notsure.

 

 

My point is that you more than anyone should be able to understand how an affair changes your perception.

 

Maybe some people need longer than others to uncover things and to see the whole landscape clearly.

 

maybe women are different than men in this regard.

[NOTSURE7]

Just for the record:

 

I don't think that anybody should stay in a marriage while pining away for someone else.

 

I do think some self examination in the wake of an affair is good though.

 

yes self examination is very important but only to a point and then you have to SHI* or get off the pot, to still be pining long after you declared your errors and that you want your m and your bs is ridiculous, its not fair to you or your bs and you give your m no real chance of being stronger.