I just dont get it

[Sanafa]

hey i am a wh so i can relate to what your ssaying and i can also see the bs your mm is spewing to keep you on the hook..

 

personally i think that the ow is just as selfish and self serving as the om...

 

so i can understand that you think that way,but its gonna hurt because your mm and his boat analogies are already warning you of whats to come.

 

he is selfish and this is all about him, make no mistake about that...why if you know already that you will get hurt later, not take the offense and get out, your philosphy is a silly way to live...

 

 

How unbelievably pretentious!!!

 

Wow..... unreal that you even remotely believe you are anyone to suggest someone is "living silly".

 

You cheated on your wife.... forget about the OP---- she didn't know her or profess to love her. YOU broke your vows.

 

I am certainly not one to sit in judgement.... but man oh man.... you ever heard of ' Pot-----Kettle------Black!'

[jennie-jennie]

So your MM is saying that if there is a dday he will do or say anything to keep his ship from sinking (keep his wife from leaving) and when things have settled down he will come back to you to continue the affair?

 

So he is telling you he has no intention of EVER leaving his wife?

 

What he is saying is he is not ready to choose yet, and a Dday would not make him make up his mind. As long as he is still undecided he will do what it takes to keep both boats floating.

 

Will he ever decide? Who knows? I haven't figured out yet if he is a cake-eater or not. The future will show. He claims he needs to make a decision because living two lives is too hard on him. But what child shall he kill?

 

LOL Better stop using metaphores now. Don't know what has gotten into me today.

[NOTSURE7]

How unbelievably pretentious!!!

 

Wow..... unreal that you even remotely believe you are anyone to suggest someone is "living silly".

 

You cheated on your wife.... forget about the OP---- she didn't know her or profess to love her. YOU broke your vows.

 

I am certainly not one to sit in judgement.... but man oh man.... you ever heard of ' Pot-----Kettle------Black!'

 

im trying to help her understand that she will get hurt by this mm because i was that mm and i can see what he will do to her.....

 

how is me trying to help her,calling the kettle black?..

[Devil Inside]

im trying to help her understand that she will get hurt by this mm because i was that mm and i can see what he will do to her.....

 

how is me trying to help her,calling the kettle black?..

 

Thing is, not all MM are exactly the same. Seems to me that Jennie has a pretty clear picture of where he stands. She has decided to stay in the relationship, and from reading her posts I don't read her as a victim that is being duped, but as a woman that is choosing to be where she is. I think she would walk if it got to a point where she felt she needed too.

[NOTSURE7]

What he is saying is he is not ready to choose yet, and a Dday would not make him make up his mind. As long as he is still undecided he will do what it takes to keep both boats floating.

 

Will he ever decide? Who knows? I haven't figured out yet if he is a cake-eater or not. The future will show. He claims he needs to make a decision because living two lives is too hard on him. But what child shall he kill?

 

LOL Better stop using metaphores now. Don't know what has gotten into me today.

 

 

sanafra will probably get on me for this, but this man is playing you, he knows full well who he will choose,dont kid yourself into thinking anything else, this is classic manipulation from a selfish mm..

 

2 lives isisnt doing crap to him, he will string you along as long as the game can continue and he has you exactly where he wants you, you are beliveing his lines...

 

to help you decide, if you looked up cake eater in the dictionary, this mm picture will be there along with all of us other mm who know just what to do and say to keep the ow on the hook...lol

[NOTSURE7]

Thing is, not all MM are exactly the same. Seems to me that Jennie has a pretty clear picture of where he stands. She has decided to stay in the relationship, and from reading her posts I don't read her as a victim that is being duped, but as a woman that is choosing to be where she is. I think she would walk if it got to a point where she felt she needed too.

 

read her other post, she has no clue where she stands,he has her beleiveing he isisnt a cake eater and that he just cant decide so he is doing what he has to do to keep both boats floating and that 2 lives are killing him and a decision is coming real soon...i mean really devil...

 

i am a wh, she is being played, she may like the situation but it dosent change the fact he knows exactly what he is doing and in the end she will probably get hurt..

 

im just trying to help here because to me its obvious as the day is long..

[Sanafa]

sanafra will probably get on me for this, but this man is playing you, he knows full well who he will choose,dont kid yourself into thinking anything else, this is classic manipulation from a selfish mm..

 

2 lives isisnt doing crap to him, he will string you along as long as the game can continue and he has you exactly where he wants you, you are beliveing his lines...

 

to help you decide, if you looked up cake eater in the dictionary, this mm picture will be there along with all of us other mm who know just what to do and say to keep the ow on the hook...lol

 

HAHA

 

Of course I will.

 

Who are you to assume or think you know her MM? Not all ( thankfully) are like you.... many are emotionally attached to two - right or wrong and do struggle with the decision for a number of reasons.

 

Why are you so sure you can sit here and "guess" what someone is thinking.

 

That is arrogance over kill.... truly

[PhoenixRise]

I hear what you are saying Phoenix. I am not being fair to my W.

 

I wonder, though, how many people are actually married to the love of their life. It's a great concept to marry the person that you have felt most connected to in every way. For me, I think that we got married so young that we were not the people we are today. Don't get me wrong...I love my wife. It's just different. I want to make sure to put the time in and self reflection before I tell her, hey I was with my soulmate...and it's not you. I need for the A to not influence me so much...I still don't trust my emotions.

 

Either way, what you said about telling her, I am considering it.

 

I don't think you will be able to find the kind of balance you need for the A not to influence you so much if you keep this a secret. You will still be harboring rosey feelings for the OW. She will be the one who got away, and you will have one emotional foot out the door, even if you stay with your wife and continue to build a life with her.

 

To me a true soulmate relationship requires respect. It means that you respect the other person as a person and not just according to the label you put on their relationship with you (wife, OW, etc)

 

If you are chosing to stay in your marriage and give it a true shot at being fulfilling for you BOTH, you can not be successful at this if you are harboring this secret and deep in your heart pining for OW.

 

Maybe if you rediscover your respect for your wife and treat her as a PERSON who deserves a certain level of respect from the people she choses to love, you will find that your connection to her is deeper than you thought.

 

If not, If you can't have that connection to her, then let her go. Work out an arraingement for your children and be an example to them of what you should do if your feelings for your partner change.

[jennie-jennie]

Thing is, not all MM are exactly the same. Seems to me that Jennie has a pretty clear picture of where he stands. She has decided to stay in the relationship, and from reading her posts I don't read her as a victim that is being duped, but as a woman that is choosing to be where she is. I think she would walk if it got to a point where she felt she needed too.

 

Hey, I knew I liked you! I couldn't have said it better.

[jennie-jennie]

NS, I love your humor! I am well aware you may be right.

[Devil Inside]

I don't think you will be able to find the kind of balance you need for the A not to influence you so much if you keep this a secret. You will still be harboring rosey feelings for the OW. She will be the one who got away, and you will have one emotional foot out the door, even if you stay with your wife and continue to build a life with her.

 

To me a true soulmate relationship requires respect. It means that you respect the other person as a person and not just according to the label you put on their relationship with you (wife, OW, etc)

 

If you are chosing to stay in your marriage and give it a true shot at being fulfilling for you BOTH, you can not be successful at this if you are harboring this secret and deep in your heart pining for OW.

 

Maybe if you rediscover your respect for your wife and treat her as a PERSON who deserves a certain level of respect from the people she choses to love, you will find that your connection to her is deeper than you thought.

 

If not, If you can't have that connection to her, then let her go. Work out an arraingement for your children and be an example to them of what you should do if your feelings for your partner change.

 

That's where I have failed the most...the utter lack of respect I've shown both women in this situation.

 

Your words have connected Phoenix...as hard as they are to hear..I need that today, thanks.

[NOTSURE7]

HAHA

 

Of course I will.

 

Who are you to assume or think you know her MM? Not all ( thankfully) are like you.... many are emotionally attached to two - right or wrong and do struggle with the decision for a number of reasons.

 

Why are you so sure you can sit here and "guess" what someone is thinking.

 

That is arrogance over kill.... truly

 

lol..this is actually funny that you beleive that this mm is any different

[Devil Inside]

read her other post, she has no clue where she stands,he has her beleiveing he isisnt a cake eater and that he just cant decide so he is doing what he has to do to keep both boats floating and that 2 lives are killing him and a decision is coming real soon...i mean really devil...

 

i am a wh, she is being played, she may like the situation but it dosent change the fact he knows exactly what he is doing and in the end she will probably get hurt..

 

im just trying to help here because to me its obvious as the day is long..

 

I can give you this...MM will say all kinds of things when faced with losing either their M or A. Whether he means it or not is one thing. What will actually happen...is completely another.

[NOTSURE7]

That's where I have failed the most...the utter lack of respect I've shown both women in this situation.

 

Your words have connected Phoenix...as hard as they are to hear..I need that today, thanks.

 

devil- read my post called -all in my head need it out, it sounds exactly like what you are going through right now....read the responses, i think it all might help you a bit..

[NOTSURE7]

NS, I love your humor! I am well aware you may be right.

 

oh i am right..lol

 

someday you will be sitting there amist your tears and you will say damn that not sure knew what he was talking about...

 

you know the old expression, takes one to know one, beleive me i can see just by his boat analogy what is coming because i have driven that same boat and i also crashed my boat....

[Kamikaze]

And, this is how YOU feel! But, there are folks who really do find and fall in love with another person, and they know that they should be with this other person, but they are either too weak to break up their marriage, or they are torn between what society says they should do and what they want to do, and/or overcome with guilt. Sometimes, it is just flat out easier to stay than it is to put up the the fall out of leaving.

 

Look at women who stay with men who physically and emotionally abuse them. But, when it is the man who is being abused - THEN, we have a totally different reaction!

[Sanafa]

lol..this is actually funny that you beleive that this mm is any different

 

And blind that you think all are the same. Someone said here they believe the rate for leaving for the OW is higher than noted due to several reasons.....Actually think it may have been Phonex *don't hold me to that... to many posts to be 100% sure.

 

Regardless.... have you seen the Infidelity boards... the ones that focus on survival? Many WH or WW leave.... many want to continue both...many stay and divorce later and many stay and have a better marriage..... get the point?

 

Far to broad to say he will do/not do a certain thing. Maybe he is the one that will leave? Maybe he will stay or maybe he will divorce and end it with both.

 

We are talking about PEOPLE here....far different than stats that result primarily from a set group.... people are complex, love is even more complex

 

but then again I am talking to someone who thinks he has it all figured out....duh

[jennie-jennie]

I am wondering why I am not bothered by your talk, NS, when many BS' and reformed OP's really do. I believe it must be because I feel your concern and that you are talking from where you are at. You are admitting what you perceive you have done and talk from there. No moral goody-goody, but actual concern from one human being to another. There are a lot of posters on this board who could learn compassion from you.

[Sanafa]

I am wondering why I am not bothered by your talk, NS, when many BS' and reformed OP's really do. I believe it must be because I feel your concern and that you are talking from where you are at. You are admitting what you perceive you have done and talk from there. No moral goody-goody, but actual concern from one human being to another. There are a lot of posters on this board who could learn compassion from you.

 

 

Many people will tell you the same thing Jennie... with a little more compassion.

 

In truth I have read a lot of NS posts..... think he is in the biggest fog of his life... again just my opinion.

[NOTSURE7]

And, this is how YOU feel! But, there are folks who really do find and fall in love with another person, and they know that they should be with this other person, but they are either too weak to break up their marriage, or they are torn between what society says they should do and what they want to do, and/or overcome with guilt. Sometimes, it is just flat out easier to stay than it is to put up the the fall out of leaving.

 

Look at women who stay with men who physically and emotionally abuse them. But, when it is the man who is being abused - THEN, we have a totally different reaction!

 

this is more nonsense, your comparing abuse to selfish people who have affairs?..i mean really...

 

people in affairs can make decisions without any fear...people who are abused have real fear..that comparison makes no sense.

 

if someone wants to leave there marriage for there so called love of there life or soulmate, they will do it,the reason they dont is because they are selfish and the affair was self serving and thats the reason, they dont want the ow, they just wanted what they had in the a and when they had there cake and to eat it too..

[jennie-jennie]

Many people will tell you the same thing Jennie... with a little more compassion.

 

In truth I have read a lot of NS posts..... think he is in the biggest fog of his life... again just my opinion.

 

LOL I agree, Sanafa. Thanks for standing up for me! Interesting that you get more compassionate posts on the Infidelity forum. Are all the raging BS over on the OW/OM forum perhaps?

[NOTSURE7]

Many people will tell you the same thing Jennie... with a little more compassion.

 

In truth I have read a lot of NS posts..... think he is in the biggest fog of his life... again just my opinion.

 

its funny that you come on here and think you helping others, which i am sure you are, but yet i try and help her because i have lived this life and i have first hand experince into the mind of a mm deep in an affair and i am in a fog..

 

i am truly just trying to give her advice from where i am sitting, i am not in any fog when it comes to knowing what i did and the lines i used and how selfish and self serving i was and that the affair in the end was all about me with no regard to anyone else at all..

[Devil Inside]

I am wondering why I am not bothered by your talk, NS, when many BS' and reformed OP's really do. I believe it must be because I feel your concern and that you are talking from where you are at. You are admitting what you perceive you have done and talk from there. No moral goody-goody, but actual concern from one human being to another. There are a lot of posters on this board who could learn compassion from you.

 

 

I agree...I think he is trying to save you from some pain...it's kind of like drunk drivers who go to talk to teens about not drinking. I know I have advised many to not start affairs because of the pain it has caused me.

[Sanafa]

its funny that you come on here and think you helping others, which i am sure you are, but yet i try and help her because i have lived this life and i have first hand experince into the mind of a mm deep in an affair and i am in a fog..

 

i am truly just trying to give her advice from where i am sitting, i am not in any fog when it comes to knowing what i did and the lines i used and how selfish and self serving i was and that the affair in the end was all about me with no regard to anyone else at all..

 

 

Again, not at all about the actual advice... it is the wording of it that offended me.

 

And btw... I sure as hell don't think I am helping anyone....seriously... my opinions, thoughts are mine and certainly aren't better than anyone's.

 

I am not one to judge a MM/OW/OM or a BS.....really...... just trying to get through this myself..... not preaching to anyone

[Devil Inside]

devil- read my post called -all in my head need it out, it sounds exactly like what you are going through right now....read the responses, i think it all might help you a bit..

 

Read the first five pages...good stuff..I will have to go back and read some more later. We are about the same age my friend...both have little kids. I understand you on many levels. Good to see that you have gotten to a point where you and the W are stronger...it gives me hope. Did you continue to go to IC for awhile, did it help fill that void that your addicitive behaviors filled?