I just dont get it

[Devil Inside]

You are right though, a WH needs to find a way to let go of feelings to stay in a M, but wanting that to happen doesn't always make it so, and everybody does so in their own time. I think it's particularly difficult for MP who were dumped by the OP because it wasn't them wanting it over to save the M. They are left with the same ambivalence about the M they had before, at least in the immediate aftermath- I guess I ought to do the right thing now. You know?

 

BINGO...right on the money.

[NOTSURE7]

1st let me say - the boat analogies......cracking me up - TRUE as they are - I just can't believe I'd never heard them before.

 

2nd - I understand sort of - why you all are being so hard on NS. I too believe it is totally impossible to have Zero feelings for an affair partner ONE day after D-day. (Unless of course you are a pretty cold hearted human) No one says that you have to pine away for this person for the rest of your life. No one said you have to keep her in the foreground of your thoughts. But to say that you basically couldn't care less....well that's kinda cold.

 

Perhaps his arrogance (as it's coming across) is the old

FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT. (theory)

You believe something in your head but your heart doesn't buy into the theory. So, you keep saying things are what they are - such as "I have NO feelings or care nothing at all for this other woman, never did, never will again" Say it long enough & eventually your brain & your heart catch up with each other (does that make sense)

 

I am far from cold hearted, you know that kansas, but i truly beleive the only way to give myself a chance is to make a clean break from the ow and if your going to do nc you also need to get her out of your head, i just cant beleive months and years later you have these people who are claiming that they want there marriage still sitting on here talking about the old days and the ow or om etc etc..

 

so if i ever think about the ow it will only be in terms of a memory of some sort, but im not going to let her dominate my mind and sit and wonder why this happened or why that happened, its OVER and thats the way it needs to be... i need my mind to be clear to give me a real chance at a true,honest marriage..

 

it seems everyone thinks that you have to be in a fog, one way or another,no matter what i say im told i am in a fog...

 

i am not in any fog, im just not going to spend time on my ow when my focus is on the future and building a true,open,honest loving relationship with my w.i owe that to myself and also to my w and my marriage.

[MistyK]

They all think that their mm is the real deal and different from the rest,that he loves her so much and wants to be with her but he just cant leave his W, they beleive his stories and his manipulations,so for all that beleive their mm are so truthful and real i also have to tell you:

 

It is really illuminating for you to admit just how shallow you have been. Not that you're taking any responsibility for it.

 

Obviously OW want obelieve their MM is different. A very rare few are. While you are probably right about Jennie's MM based on statistics, you're now making a sweeping generalization that YOU are the EXPERT on all MM's. I have been on the WW side of the fence too, and not everyone acts like a selfish jerk and refuses to make things right.

 

Your posts initially had some humility and pain in them. Now all you have is arrogance about how everyone should cope in the aftermath of an A. It's an interesting personality makeover.

[Dexter Morgan]

You are right though, a WH needs to find a way to let go of feelings to stay in a M, but wanting that to happen doesn't always make it so, and everybody does so in their own time. I think it's particularly difficult for MP who were dumped by the OP because it wasn't them wanting it over to save the M. They are left with the same ambivalence about the M they had before, at least in the immediate aftermath- I guess I ought to do the right thing now. You know?

 

problem is, getting over an affair partner isn't the BS's problem and they shouldn't have to put up with it.

 

But if you think it is reasonable for a BS to sit there while the WS struggles with their feelings of another person, how long should a BS put up with it?

[Dexter Morgan]

Your posts initially had some humility and pain in them. Now all you have is arrogance about how everyone should cope in the aftermath of an A. It's an interesting personality makeover.

 

I'm sorry, I see nothing arrogant about putting an affair partner out of ones mind if they want to work on the marriage.

 

otherwise, there is no work being done, and cannot be done, on the marriage until the AP is no longer significant. And if the AP is still significant, then maybe one should think about divorce.

[NOTSURE7]

Honestly I find it annoying that you justify your "stringing along" the OW by the idea that she was selfish too (and she was in this case, obviously as a MW). But that doesn't make it ok for you to use people and discard them like trash. You really ought to think about taking responsibility for everything, not just what your W wants to hear.

 

There are some people who actually emotionally connect with the OW, obviously you weren't as emotionally involved as you thought (based on your posts). It's a wee bit sociopathic if you ask me, but ok, whatever works for you. Since you can obviously use people so easily, I wonder what you are able to offer your W at this point. Are you even capable of genuine emotional connection? The fact that you just don't understand how people cannot shut off their emotions like a faucet is indicative of a real problem here.

 

You are right though, a WH needs to find a way to let go of feelings to stay in a M, but wanting that to happen doesn't always make it so, and everybody does so in their own time. I think it's particularly difficult for MP who were dumped by the OP because it wasn't them wanting it over to save the M. They are left with the same ambivalence about the M they had before, at least in the immediate aftermath- I guess I ought to do the right thing now. You know?

 

first off i didnt discard her like trash, we had an affair misty, it ended, she ended it before me but then came back,finally i ended it and went full nc and now its over, i am sorry if i didnt call her to say thanks or ask her if she was ok or offer to meet her 9 more times so we could continue the charade, i know that would have made the ow's happy but there was no need for it, it was over,we were both selfish and we served eachothers purpose, now it needed to end and i needed to move forward because i know you might find this hard to beleive but i actually have commited myself to achieving a loving,open,honest true relationship with my W

 

i understand people cant just turn it off, but they have too if they are saying they want to be in there marriage,there really is no gray area here..so take a bit,loathe around,post,be sad but then man up and get on with it and if you cant then you shouldnt be in your marriage and you should go find that ow soulmate who i can almost guarentee wont be all that in the real world..

 

i know you wont like this but i dont see how you can tell me that any ow whether married or single is not selfish...

 

just because an ow is a mow makes it more selfish?, why because she has children?, why is a single ow who is so needy that they have to steal the love and affection away from another woman to get what they need, how is it not selfish to go after a mm when there are so many single men out there,how is it not selfish to ask a mm to be away from his family emotionally and physically because the ow has needs too...the fact is the ow is selfish,needy,self deserving no matter what there marital status is.

 

now granted the mm is just as selfish and just as much at fault, but to tell me that an ow is not a selfish person is ridiculous.

[MistyK]

problem is, getting over an affair partner isn't the BS's problem and they shouldn't have to put up with it.

 

But if you think it is reasonable for a BS to sit there while the WS struggles with their feelings of another person, how long should a BS put up with it?

 

You're right. That's up to the individual BS though, don't you think?

[NOTSURE7]

It is really illuminating for you to admit just how shallow you have been. Not that you're taking any responsibility for it.

 

Obviously OW want obelieve their MM is different. A very rare few are. While you are probably right about Jennie's MM based on statistics, you're now making a sweeping generalization that YOU are the EXPERT on all MM's. I have been on the WW side of the fence too, and not everyone acts like a selfish jerk and refuses to make things right.

 

Your posts initially had some humility and pain in them. Now all you have is arrogance about how everyone should cope in the aftermath of an A. It's an interesting personality makeover.

 

yes i was shallow, to have an affair you really have to be pretty shallow and selfish and self serving and needy, i was all of those things..

 

i am not an expert but i was a mm who was in an A so i think that lends me to being able to talk from experience.

 

refuses to make things right?, is this for real, i am making things right with my bs, do you really think i am a selfish jerk because im not making things right with my ow?...thats ridiculous

[jennie-jennie]

So JJ...the real question...if he is never going to leave his W...is that ok with you?

 

DI, truthfully I do not know the answer to that question. I am not young anymore, I have a very limited social life, my opportunities of finding someone else are slim because of this. I might very well be inclined to stay with him as his OW forever. (Not that I am telling him that. )

 

But we will see. Someday I might have had enough, and I know myself well enough that that day I will not look back. I will walk straight out of his life.

 

I know also for a fact that this situation is taking its toll on him. He had an extremely full calender even before he started to fit me into it. He has medical issues which become worse with stress. If he does not reach the point where he has had enough of this double life, his body might.

 

The future will tell.

[NOTSURE7]

I'm sorry, I see nothing arrogant about putting an affair partner out of ones mind if they want to work on the marriage.

 

otherwise, there is no work being done, and cannot be done, on the marriage until the AP is no longer significant. And if the AP is still significant, then maybe one should think about divorce.

 

this is exactly my point...

 

i am going to ic and mc, i am doing the real work that needs to be done to fix my ways and realize that my w deserves alot more than what i was giving her and i am falling in love with my w all over again as a result..

 

so it wouldnt be fair for me and it wouldnt be fair to my w and my m to have this ap still in my head and playing a significant role in my life, its just not right and thats what i am saying.

[MistyK]

 

i know you wont like this but i dont see how you can tell me that any ow whether married or single is not selfish...

 

just because an ow is a mow makes it more selfish?, why because she has children?, why is a single ow who is so needy that they have to steal the love and affection away from another woman to get what they need, how is it not selfish to go after a mm when there are so many single men out there,how is it not selfish to ask a mm to be away from his family emotionally and physically because the ow has needs too...the fact is the ow is selfish,needy,self deserving no matter what there marital status is.

 

now granted the mm is just as selfish and just as much at fault, but to tell me that an ow is not a selfish person is ridiculous.

 

Still not taking responsibility. You admitted that you aminpulated and strung her along. That's ok in your book? Nobody wanted you to continue the A and string her along more! That would only make it worse. It's good that you did a clean break. I'm just saying that you still treated her like trash.

 

To ask a MM to be away from his family so she can have her needs met. Wow. I must be insane. OW are not allowed to have any needs. You are right, we should just shut up and get with the MM's self-serving program.

 

Everyone in an A is selfish, that is self-evident. When you do something you know is wrong, it's selfish. But that doesn't make it ok for you to have NO remorse for your selfishness with the OW in addition to your selfishness with your W (and I'm NOT advocating you express any such remorse to your W as it's likely counter-productive, but still). It's like this - is it ok for someone to murder a rapist? Sure, we're all the safer for it, but it's still murder.

[MistyK]

 

refuses to make things right?, is this for real, i am making things right with my bs, do you really think i am a selfish jerk because im not making things right with my ow?...thats ridiculous

 

Not saying that. I was talking about your characterization that you know all MM's and what every single one of them is about. I'm glad you chose to make things right (and by that I mean meaking a decision, ANY decision to stop the cake-eating). I hope it works out for you.

[NOTSURE7]

DI, truthfully I do not know the answer to that question. I am not young anymore, I have a very limited social life, my opportunities of finding someone else are slim because of this. I might very well be inclined to stay with him as his OW forever. (Not that I am telling him that. )

 

But we will see. Someday I might have had enough, and I know myself well enough that that day I will not look back. I will walk straight out of his life.

 

I know also for a fact that this situation is taking its toll on him. He had an extremely full calender even before he started to fit me into it. He has medical issues which become worse with stress. If he does not reach the point where he has had enough of this double life, his body might.

 

The future will tell.

 

this sounds like a lot of fun..lol

 

you are in it because you beleive there is nothing else because you have been an ow for so long that you think you couldnt find someone else and that because of him your social life is limited..i think you have given up hope of finding anything real so its easier to just be this mans cake...to each there own i guess but i can guarentee if you got rid of him you would find happiness one way or the other..

 

you make me laugh, his calendar cant really be all that full if he is having an affair and the fact that he is feeding you the stress on him nonsense lines..lol...

 

if this was really taking a toll on him he would do something about it like i did...

[NOTSURE7]

Still not taking responsibility. You admitted that you aminpulated and strung her along. That's ok in your book? Nobody wanted you to continue the A and string her along more! That would only make it worse. It's good that you did a clean break. I'm just saying that you still treated her like trash.

 

To ask a MM to be away from his family so she can have her needs met. Wow. I must be insane. OW are not allowed to have any needs. You are right, we should just shut up and get with the MM's self-serving program.

 

Everyone in an A is selfish, that is self-evident. When you do something you know is wrong, it's selfish. But that doesn't make it ok for you to have NO remorse for your selfishness with the OW in addition to your selfishness with your W (and I'm NOT advocating you express any such remorse to your W as it's likely counter-productive, but still). It's like this - is it ok for someone to murder a rapist? Sure, we're all the safer for it, but it's still murder.

 

i am taking responsibility but to be honest the ow is not my focus here..

 

i have told my w how selfish and self serving i was, i have expressed remorse to her about how selfish i have been, that to me is the right kind of responsibility.the one were i face up to it and tackle it all head on with my bs..

[IfWishesWereHorses]

To ask a MM to be away from his family so she can have her needs met. Wow. I must be insane. OW are not allowed to have any needs. You are right, we should just shut up and get with the MM's self-serving program.

 

Misty,

 

His OW was married. His OW pulled out of the A BEFORE he did to work on her marriage, which I believe is when NS decided to make a move. I think the underlyling feelings he was experiencing - all of them- (the guilt, the feeling of abandonment from OW, ect...) forced him to make his move. His initial impulse was to leave his W and he stated that he felt if he did that his OW would leave her H to be with him. OW's idea of NC was to still rely on NS emotionally somewhat. When NS decided to make his move and chose his W at the last minute over OW, his NC was true.

 

NS and OW were in the same affair. And both were married. They both chose the affair, the good, bad, ugly as well as teh chances they were taking in it. Both of their own free will.

 

The fantasy of the A is in ingoring the consequences, the fact that SOMEONE is going to get hurt. The reality is that atleast 2 of the 3 in the triangle, gambled on it. How can you choose to gamble then bemoan the outcome?

[MistyK]

 

The fantasy of the A is in ingoring the consequences, the fact that SOMEONE is going to get hurt. The reality is that atleast 2 of the 3 in the triangle, gambled on it. How can you choose to gamble then bemoan the outcome?

 

Life is a gamble. BS's gamble when they agree to take the WS's back. So does that mean they can't complain when the WS cheats on them again?

 

In this case, NS7's MW obviously had the exact problem NS was railing about - wanting to work on the M but not fully letting go of the AP. I'm going to bet as they were both M that they were both treating each other badly, and I just think that when you treat someone badly you ought to feel a little remorse. Obviously the focus needs to be on the spouses, but how can you feel nothing at all after all that happens in A's? I don't get THAT.

[Devil Inside]

DI, truthfully I do not know the answer to that question. I am not young anymore, I have a very limited social life, my opportunities of finding someone else are slim because of this. I might very well be inclined to stay with him as his OW forever. (Not that I am telling him that. )

 

But we will see. Someday I might have had enough, and I know myself well enough that that day I will not look back. I will walk straight out of his life.

 

I know also for a fact that this situation is taking its toll on him. He had an extremely full calender even before he started to fit me into it. He has medical issues which become worse with stress. If he does not reach the point where he has had enough of this double life, his body might.

 

The future will tell.

 

Thanks for your honesty. In the end all we can do is make our own decisions and live with the consequences. I hope that it all works out for you in the end...I really do.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

They BOTH signed up for a train ride to nowhere. I don't understand why either should feel remorseful over the other that it ended. There were no false promises. If there had been, I would take a different stance. If he he/she had lied about their intentions, then yes, one would hope that there would be remorse. There would certainly be a legitament cause for one or the other to feel betrayed.

 

Life is a gamble. BS's gamble when they agree to take the WS's back. So does that mean they can't complain when the WS cheats on them again?

I would say that it would depend on the agreement between the Bs and the WS. If the WS pledges fidelity, then yes, the BS would rightfully feel wronged (again). If the WS says, lets ride this as long as we're both enjoying it, then NO, they both agreed that fidelity wouldn't last forever.

 

I don't feel that NS betrayed his OW by choosing to work on his marriage.

[Dexter Morgan]

You're right. That's up to the individual BS though, don't you think?

 

i'm asking you what YOU think....don't cop out.

[Dexter Morgan]

this is exactly my point...

 

i am going to ic and mc, i am doing the real work that needs to be done to fix my ways and realize that my w deserves alot more than what i was giving her and i am falling in love with my w all over again as a result..

 

so it wouldnt be fair for me and it wouldnt be fair to my w and my m to have this ap still in my head and playing a significant role in my life, its just not right and thats what i am saying.

 

exactly. you know me NS, I'm not a fan of giving cheaters a 2nd chance.

 

But your wife gave you one just the same, and anything less than what you are doing is spitting in her face with it.

 

I can at least commend you for how you are handling this. You are at least trying to do right by your wife (and maybe thats what is getting under some of these posters skin)...nothing arrogant about that at all.

[MistyK]

I don't feel that NS betrayed his OW by choosing to work on his marriage.

 

I don't think so either. Maybe I'm not being clear. I'm saying he admits he manipulated and did lots of unsavory things to keep her "on the hook". If he's truly trying to change his ways, then I just think he needs to consider ALL the behaviors and not forget about those ones just because it's conveinient.

[jennie-jennie]

this sounds like a lot of fun..lol

 

you are in it because you beleive there is nothing else because you have been an ow for so long that you think you couldnt find someone else and that because of him your social life is limited..i think you have given up hope of finding anything real so its easier to just be this mans cake...to each there own i guess but i can guarentee if you got rid of him you would find happiness one way or the other..

 

you make me laugh, his calendar cant really be all that full if he is having an affair and the fact that he is feeding you the stress on him nonsense lines..lol...

 

if this was really taking a toll on him he would do something about it like i did...

 

NS, my post was not for your amusement. Where is the compassion from yesterday?

 

You do not know my life story. It has nothing to do with MM that my social life is limited. My life has been pretty rough and it has taken its toll on my psyche. I have become very much of a loner, it soothes my nerves.

 

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for decades before meeting MM. Because of MM I managed to let go of that relationship. The gentleness and patience of MM has healed me to a large degree.

 

Am I afraid to be alone the rest of my life? Yes, I am. I also know that if I gave up MM I am most likely to go back to my ex. I like sex and I like men, so I can not see me denying myself that.

 

By the way, I am picky, I want a man where the chemistry is right, which eliminates most men. Otherwise there would be no problem. I look pretty good, so in that sense I could easily find a man.

 

DI, thanks for your well wishes. I hope everything works out for you too. You sure are trying to find your way.

[Dexter Morgan]

To ask a MM to be away from his family so she can have her needs met. Wow. I must be insane. OW are not allowed to have any needs. You are right, we should just shut up and get with the MM's self-serving program.

 

no, you shouldn't be sleeping with a married man in the first place. If you were lied to about his marital status, thats one thing. If you knew from the get go he was married, sorry, you made your own bed. And yes, a MM is a d!cksmoke for cheating on his wife in the first place. Both parties involved in such a situation have no right to complain about how an affair ended.....get real.

 

Other women don't have needs? pulease. get your needs met with a single man.

 

 

Everyone in an A is selfish, that is self-evident. When you do something you know is wrong, it's selfish. But that doesn't make it ok for you to have NO remorse for your selfishness

 

he has no remorse for ending the affair. nothing wrong with that. his responsibility is to his wife, and if he is to make things right, then the OW needs to be put out of his mind. sorry if you don't like it.

[MistyK]

I'm sorry, I see nothing arrogant about putting an affair partner out of ones mind if they want to work on the marriage.

 

otherwise, there is no work being done, and cannot be done, on the marriage until the AP is no longer significant. And if the AP is still significant, then maybe one should think about divorce.

 

No, the arrogance is in saying, I did it this way, everyone should be like me. I'm SURE that the WS's here that are struggling with feelings for the xAP would love to just be able to flip the switch off. But it's not that simple.

[Devil Inside]

 

Am I afraid to be alone the rest of my life? Yes, I am. I also know that if I gave up MM I am most likely to go back to my ex. I like sex and I like men, so I can not see me denying myself that.

 

By the way, I am picky, I want a man where the chemistry is right, which eliminates most men. Otherwise there would be no problem. I look pretty good, so in that sense I could easily find a man.

 

DI, thanks for your well wishes. I hope everything works out for you too. You sure are trying to find your way.

 

So JJ...why would you go back to your ex? I too love sex, I too can afford to be picky, then why go back to an abusive partner.

 

I think you may be selling yourself short.