MistyK Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 he has no remorse for ending the affair. nothing wrong with that. his responsibility is to his wife, and if he is to make things right, then the OW needs to be put out of his mind. sorry if you don't like it. NO No. Obviously he shouldn't have remorse for ending the A. The remorse should be for treating BOTH of the women like crap. Not saying she should be on his mind beyond that. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Both parties involved in such a situation have no right to complain about how an affair ended.....get real Wow...you have to have a right to complain. I think that people just express the emotions felt when involved and ending this really complicated relationships. I think, that having emotions, in no way validates that cheating is a good thing to do...it's just the reality of the situation. Should you or anyone feel sorry for people that cheat...that's up to you. I guess it just confuses me that people think that because you cheated you have no right have feelings over the loss of a relationship...whether it was right or wrong...feelings develop. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 To ask a MM to be away from his family so she can have her needs met. Wow. I must be insane. OW are not allowed to have any needs. You are right, we should just shut up and get with the MM's self-serving program. Misty, His OW was married. exactly. so she shouldn't have even been available to be "strung along" if in fact that is what NS did. Sorry, she was cheating on her husband too. no sympathy deserved. I find it hilarious that someone cheating on her husband is seen as the victim here and as said below, she pulled out to work on her marriage. She should be putting NS out of her mind to focus on her husband. and if she isn't and is only concerned about being strung along, then her husband need not put up with it and should divorce her. His OW pulled out of the A BEFORE he did to work on her marriage, which I believe is when NS decided to make a move. I think the underlyling feelings he was experiencing - all of them- (the guilt, the feeling of abandonment from OW, ect...) forced him to make his move. His initial impulse was to leave his W and he stated that he felt if he did that his OW would leave her H to be with him. OW's idea of NC was to still rely on NS emotionally somewhat. When NS decided to make his move and chose his W at the last minute over OW, his NC was true. well i tell you, this is the first time I've ever seen anyone jump down someones throat when they want to put all their energy into their marriage, and that their concern should be with the other person who is also married. unbelievable. NS and OW were in the same affair. And both were married. They both chose the affair, the good, bad, ugly as well as teh chances they were taking in it. Both of their own free will. The fantasy of the A is in ingoring the consequences, the fact that SOMEONE is going to get hurt. The reality is that atleast 2 of the 3 in the triangle, gambled on it. How can you choose to gamble then bemoan the outcome? Link to post Share on other sites
confusedinkansas Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I'm just saying that you still treated her like trash. Ok I'm on board with the fact that turning your feelings off & on like a faucet is wrong. But, How is it that he treated her like trash? As he has asked - should he have given it one final go? Then it would be ok? Affairs are what they are. Some are deeper than others. But, BOTH parties go into it knowing that. Same as if you are a single gal, 'dating' a married guy. YOU KNOW THAT going in. YOU (meaning those of us that have been involved in affairs) signed up for the game!!! NOBODY wins. Misty - you thinking that he treated her like trash doesn't make sense. If he treated her badly, then she treated him badly as well. The fact is that It needed to be OVER & it was. NS - I apologize for the "cold hearted comment" - I didn't mean necessarialy that you were cold hearted - I should have backed that comment up with....."I do not think you are." I do think you're playing a game with your mind. AND If that works to get this woman out of your thoughts, then good for you - Really! Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 No, the arrogance is in saying, I did it this way, everyone should be like me. anyone that is wanting to save their marriage SHOULD be like him. you can't save a marriage and be concerned or pine for the other person you betrayed your spouse with. I'm SURE that the WS's here that are struggling with feelings for the xAP would love to just be able to flip the switch off. But it's not that simple. if its not that simple for them, then so be it. And if they can't turn the switch off, then maybe they need to be separated from their spouse. Because their spouse shouldn't have to put up with their pining, or presence of feelings for the other person. if someone betrays me, and they still have feelings for the OP, they don't deserve to be with me and I don't want to be with them. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 why is a single ow who is so needy that they have to steal the love and affection away from another woman to get what they need, how is it not selfish to go after a mm when there are so many single men out there,how is it not selfish to ask a mm to be away from his family emotionally and physically because the ow has needs too...the fact is the ow is selfish,needy,self deserving no matter what there marital status is. now granted the mm is just as selfish and just as much at fault, but to tell me that an ow is not a selfish person is ridiculous. I did not steal any love away from another woman. MM came running after me bursting with love and affection. I was in a relationship, but wanting to leave it, so I had started internet dating. MM completely flooded my life with his pursuit of me. Our relationship does take him emotionally and physically away from his family, that is true, and because I am hidden they don't understand why. Because I am hidden, he has to be alone with me, and can not simultaneously be with his family. This is a problem we discussed as late as last night. We do not have a solution for this, other than a divorce which would in reality free up time for his kids. He is seldom home these days - either it is work or me. Yes, love for a partner is selfish, whether within the marriage or outside. And there are a lot of jerks available if you look among single men. Unfortunately you are more likely to meet a nice single woman if you are a guy, than a nice single man if you are a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 NO No. Obviously he shouldn't have remorse for ending the A. The remorse should be for treating BOTH of the women like crap. uh, his OW was betraying her husband. she is not a victim here. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I guess it just confuses me that people think that because you cheated you have no right have feelings over the loss of a relationship...whether it was right or wrong...feelings develop. I didn't say nobody had a right to feelings. they are what they are. i said they don't have a right to complain. But you take exception with the word "right". So I'll rephrase, they have no basis to complain. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 And there are a lot of jerks available if you look among single men. The single men just lack an alibi for their jerkiness. And they don't HAVE to work as hard at being accomodating and charming. They also don't want to as it would surely cause a woman to want "more". The MM have the wanting "more" issue covered and they hold the power in the R. Actually the power is handed over on a silver platter to them. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 So JJ...why would you go back to your ex? I too love sex, I too can afford to be picky, then why go back to an abusive partner. I think you may be selling yourself short. You probably are right. It is the chemistry thing. I do not fall in love easily, but once I am in love I tend to stay loyal, and it takes a lot for me to fall out of love. I have chemistry with my ex, which is why I stayed with him so long. 25 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I didn't say nobody had a right to feelings. they are what they are. i said they don't have a right to complain. But you take exception with the word "right". So I'll rephrase, they have no basis to complain. Fair enough...that does sound better. Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 You are totally twisting my words. I NEVER said he should pine for the OW. I didn't even say that he should be thinking about her. I just think it's lame that he tells Jennie that he unashamedly "strung along" the OW. Both of them were selfish, and I don't think she is a victim. I think she probably treated him badly too, just as she did her husband.But it's not ok to be proud of stringing anyone along, even if it is the hated OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 You probably are right. It is the chemistry thing. I do not fall in love easily, but once I am in love I tend to stay loyal, and it takes a lot for me to fall out of love. I have chemistry with my ex, which is why I stayed with him so long. 25 years. I understand. You are a very intriguing woman JJ. Hmmmm. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Misty, his initial intention was to LEAVE for the OW. What he said was that MM will say anything within the A to keep it going because they want to continue with the OW. He said that those feelings were REAL within the A. That it was the A dynamics that weren't reality based and was satisfying HIS needs which seemed to boil down to a personal unhappiness. His OW was unhappy in her M, and NS gave her the personal validation and emotional connection she needed to remain married ot her H. It was a symbiotic R. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I understand. You are a very intriguing woman JJ. Hmmmm. LOL I take that as a compliment. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 LOL I take that as a compliment. Thank you. Me saying I am intrigued with you is a compliment. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I did not steal any love away from another woman. MM came running after me bursting with love and affection. oh well gee...i guess that made it ok for you then:rolleyes: Our relationship does take him emotionally and physically away from his family, that is true, and because I am hidden they don't understand why. Because I am hidden, he has to be alone with me, and can not simultaneously be with his family. This is a problem we discussed as late as last night. We do not have a solution for this, other than a divorce no, another solution would be to leave you, but I gather that isn't going to happen. So divorce shouldn't be only an option, it should be what he is implementing. So tell us, why doesn't he get a divorce? Yes, love for a partner is selfish, whether within the marriage or outside. And there are a lot of jerks available if you look among single men. wow, and here you have a cheating man....what a catch. I hope you 2 do end up together. Not only would his wife's life be spared, and she can move on and find someone hopefully decent later, once his relationship gets boring, and you are the same old same old person he is having sex with for so many years.....you don't think he won't be cheating on you? And if his job requires him to be away as you say, then I'd say, karma will be a b!tch. Unfortunately you are more likely to meet a nice single woman if you are a guy, than a nice single man if you are a woman. so this is a justification for sleeping with married men? how utterly disgusting. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 You are totally twisting my words. I NEVER said he should pine for the OW. I didn't even say that he should be thinking about her. I just think it's lame that he tells Jennie that he unashamedly "strung along" the OW. Both of them were selfish, and I don't think she is a victim. I think she probably treated him badly too, just as she did her husband.But it's not ok to be proud of stringing anyone along, even if it is the hated OW. show me where he said or where he indicated that he was proud of stringing anyone along Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 He said that those feelings were REAL within the A. I must have missed that part. Because it seemed to me like he was saying the usual party line of he doesn't love you (never did love you), isn't having a hard time having a double life, etc. Given NS7's post history, this sudden shift is...um...confusing. It sounded like revisionist history. Nobody knows what the deal is with Jenie's MM, but NS7 brought forth his comments from his experience. And given what he previously posted about his experience, I just think it was cavalier to say to WS's struggling with feelings for the AP that "oh it was all a dream, get over it." His struggle was real when he was having it, but it's like he forgets that now. Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 show me where he said or where he indicated that he was proud of stringing anyone along Fair enough. Maybe I'm just senstive. Check the wonderful gloating tone on these: oh i am right..lol someday you will be sitting there amist your tears and you will say damn that not sure knew what he was talking about... to help you decide, if you looked up cake eater in the dictionary, this mm picture will be there along with all of us other mm who know just what to do and say to keep the ow on the hook...lol Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 His struggle was real when he was having it, but it's like he forgets that now. You're right that his struggle was real when he was having it. (pages of posts attest to that!) Like any struggle though, no one wants to relive it constantly. Men seem better at compartmentalizing so maybe that makes it easier. What you are reading as arrogance, I see as a new found passion toward what he feels he's learned. And you're right though, noting more irritating than listening to a "reformed" (insert your choice of poison here... smoker? infidel? alcoholic?)! Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 You're right that his struggle was real when he was having it. (pages of posts attest to that!) Like any struggle though, no one wants to relive it constantly. Men seem better at compartmentalizing so maybe that makes it easier. What you are reading as arrogance, I see as a new found passion toward what he feels he's learned. And you're right though, noting more irritating than listening to a "reformed" (insert your choice of poison here... smoker? infidel? alcoholic?)! That's an interesting point, I hadn't looked at it that way. I hope it is genuine. Maybe I am jaded - spent many years working with addicts - but usually when people are in the honeymoon phase of addiction recovery - which is basically the equivalent of where NS is at now (loving the 12 steps, undying commitment to recovery, etc.) No REAL change has taken place yet. That comes much later, and usually after a relapse or a few relapses. I am sure he means everything he's saying, but I just hope that he doesn't crash when the honeymoon's over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 You are totally twisting my words. I NEVER said he should pine for the OW. I didn't even say that he should be thinking about her. I just think it's lame that he tells Jennie that he unashamedly "strung along" the OW. Both of them were selfish, and I don't think she is a victim. I think she probably treated him badly too, just as she did her husband.But it's not ok to be proud of stringing anyone along, even if it is the hated OW. when did i ever say i was proud of myself?, all i was doing was showing jennie that mm string the ow along until they finally either get caught or decide to end it, i was trying to help her by talking from experience, i am not proud of my actions at all and i never stated i was.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 Me saying I am intrigued with you is a compliment. anyone else think devil and jennie should get a room?..lol i mean what a place to hit on one another..lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author NOTSURE7 Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 show me where he said or where he indicated that he was proud of stringing anyone along i would like to see where i said i was proud of stringing her along too.... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts