I just dont get it

[ladydesigner]

i can readily admit that there is no justifcation for my actions, but for misty to try and validate her affair because it just "gradually" happened or for you to say it was about revenge makes it no better than mine, its ridiculous.

 

NS it is all ridiculous I agree with you on this, and there are no justifications for what I did. There are just differences in how the A begins how they progress and how they end. Obviously there are differences in how we view the OW/OM after it has ended as well. You are very lucky to have moved on so quickly and I wish you well on repairing your marriage. I am also trying to repair mine, unfortunately I still get unwanted thoughts about my xOM and REALLY would like for them to go away forever like yours.

[NoIDidn't]

It's not a justification at all.

 

I'm just saying that I find your methods repulsive. As an unhappy MW, I never, nor would I ever have posted myself online. I ended up getting too close to another unhappily married friend. I didn't set out to do anything, not consciously anyway. You did. You spent hours making up a profile, getting a secret email address, checking your hits, etc. Then, you started contact with these women and then you started seeing them. You had many many oppurtunities to review your desire to have sex with another woman. I, on the other hand, gradually got emotionally too close -I was caught by surprise because I fell in love with someone who was not my H. The PA didn't come til much later. It's just different.

 

It doesn't in any way justofy what happened or what i did, but it's just different than what you did. I don't expect someone like you to "get it".

 

What I don't get is why you don't assign the same disdain to the MW he was seeing considering she "did it" too.

 

She did exactly what you are bashing NS for. The same exact thing. Who knows how many profiles SHE viewed before she picked NS. But you are here judging him for it.

 

It seems you can't understand that they weren't looking for emotional connection. It also seems that you somehow think that "falling in love" in some way justifies the affair. It doesn't. The outcome is the same. I can't believe you are implying this?!

 

Its hypocritical at best, Mist. Just calling a spade a spade.

[MistyK]

Research also shows for most women who have been betrayed, the emotional aspect is more devastating than the physical. To give something to an outsider that BS only thought was shared with them.

 

I tend to agree. xMM's particular BW had bigger issues with the sex part. But mostly I think it's because he never admitted it. So, in her mind, she figured that he couldn't be as "in love" with me as he told her he was because the deal was never consummated. So the emotional component is really inextricably related to the physical component. (I wonder if she'd really want him back if she knew the whole story. But I honestly don't think it would make much difference to her at this point. But I digress...)

[NoIDidn't]

The thing that is getting me is the assumption that a gradual emotional build up is some how better than a looking for a "F" buddy. I my eyes they are more destructive because of the intrusion on the affections of the BS. Cheating is cheating is cheating. NO matter what one tells themselves about the married AP. To most BS I can almost guarantee that they don't give a damn about how it started. Emotional for years or physical right off the bat...the heart hurts the same.

 

Who would have thought there was a hierarchy among cheaters. Honor amongst thieves I guess.

 

Yeah, I am a little late getting to this page, but this is what I am seeing as well. And it is ironic that a previously cheating MW thinks she is in a position to judge a previously cheating MM just because she "fell in love".

 

Like you said, the BS doesn't give a damn about how it started, its all the same in the eyes of the one that was actually wronged.

[MistyK]

What I don't get is why you don't assign the same disdain to the MW he was seeing considering she "did it" too.

 

She did exactly what you are bashing NS for. The same exact thing. Who knows how many profiles SHE viewed before she picked NS. But you are here judging him for it.

 

 

Oh but I do. I find her repulsive as well. I didn't realize until the last 2 pages that this was how they started. I was under the impression this whole thing was something else that engendered some sympathy from me for the OW, but that was erroneous.

[MistyK]

Yeah, I am a little late getting to this page, but this is what I am seeing as well. And it is ironic that a previously cheating MW thinks she is in a position to judge a previously cheating MM just because she "fell in love".

 

 

Whoa, lets recall here that I ended my M in short order. I did not keep going. It was only a few weeks. And I didn't have a PA (on my xH). As far as i am concerned, I did the right thing for my xH.

 

All I'm saying is I didn't intend to be a chaeter. NS had every intention of cheating right from the get-go. Which, is no surprise from a serial cheater.

[MistyK]

It seems you can't understand that they weren't looking for emotional connection. It also seems that you somehow think that "falling in love" in some way justifies the affair. It doesn't. The outcome is the same. I can't believe you are implying this?!

 

 

You're right, I don't understand that. It basically amounts to looking for a hooker, any warm body that won't tell my spouse will do. I think that's..ahem..yucky.

 

Falling in love doesn't justify anything. But at least it seems somehow less cheap and tawdry.

[bentnotbroken]

Misty, that too depends on the glasses you are looking trough.

[ladydesigner]

You're right, I don't understand that. It basically amounts to looking for a hooker, any warm body that won't tell my spouse will do. I think that's..ahem..yucky.

 

Falling in love doesn't justify anything. But at least it seems somehow less cheap and tawdry.

 

I'm sorry I have to agree on this. I can't imagine how "falling in love" can be looked at as cheap and tawdy no matter what pair of glasses you are looking through.

[bentnotbroken]

I'm sorry I have to agree on this. I can't imagine how "falling in love" can be looked at as cheap and tawdy no matter what pair of glasses you are looking through.

 

 

Maybe it comes with the definition of love and the glasses you are looking through.

[NoIDidn't]

Whoa, lets recall here that I ended my M in short order. I did not keep going. It was only a few weeks. And I didn't have a PA (on my xH). As far as i am concerned, I did the right thing for my xH.

 

All I'm saying is I didn't intend to be a chaeter. NS had every intention of cheating right from the get-go. Which, is no surprise from a serial cheater.

 

Misty, I think you are the sweetest person, but I can't agree with your reasoning here. You did wrong by your H, before you did anything right, IMO. Just because you didn't intend to cheat doesn't make what you did any less than what it was. You cheated.

 

And I am not judging you for it. I am just shocked that you are judging NS.

 

You're right, I don't understand that. It basically amounts to looking for a hooker, any warm body that won't tell my spouse will do. I think that's..ahem..yucky.

 

Falling in love doesn't justify anything. But at least it seems somehow less cheap and tawdry.

 

 

But affairs are cheap and tawdry to most people - especially the betrayed. That, and the fact just because one of the AP's fell in love doesn't change the fact that the other may very well have been looking for exactly what "amounts to looking for a hooker", but only one that would give it away for free.

 

(*An aside* I should start another thread on what I think of "falling in love", though. It just seems like emotional wrecklessness (sp?) and expecting others to make excuses for the poor decisions made while under that influence. I think I will start that thread. Thanks for the idea. LOL)

[ladydesigner]

But affairs are cheap and tawdry to most people - especially the betrayed. That, and the fact just because one of the AP's fell in love doesn't change the fact that the other may very well have been looking for exactly what "amounts to looking for a hooker", but only one that would give it away for free.

 

Okay I get it this makes sense. I guess it really is cheap and tawdy no matter how you look at it. Ewwww this is really starting to make me feel sick about myself and how I could have even of had an affair and even worse still thinking about the xOM. Thank you ladies I have a whole hell of a lot of soul seraching to do.

[MistyK]

Misty' date=' I think you are the sweetest person, but I can't agree with your reasoning here. You did wrong by your H, before you did anything right, IMO. Just because you didn't intend to cheat doesn't make what you did any less than what it was. You cheated. [/quote']

 

I know that NID. And I know that none of his awful behaviors justify it either. But I have to live with myself. And it is a whole lot easier for me to think of myself as an idiot for love - romantic stupidity, rather than in the same category with someone who spends their nights trolling the internet for the ready and willing. It doesn't mean I shirk responsibility. I know what I've done and I would never do it again. I had poor boundaries. And I'm working on that in therapy.

 

NS for me represents a shadow (in the Jungian sense - the dark side of us). Noone likes to admit that side is there. It's difficult for me to be confronted with the idea that xMM just used me or that I was that kind of user with my H. See what I mean? That's why I'm sayng I would have stayed the h*ll away from this thread if I had known what the deal was. Too personal.

[NoIDidn't]

(((Mistyk))) and (((ladydesigner)))

[Dexter Morgan]

Yeah' date=' I am a little late getting to this page, but this is what I am seeing as well. And it is ironic that a previously cheating MW thinks she is in a position to judge a previously cheating MM just because she "fell in love".[/quote']

 

BINGO!!

 

 

Like you said, the BS doesn't give a damn about how it started, its all the same in the eyes of the one that was actually wronged.

 

exactly right. doesn't matter "how" it started.

[Dexter Morgan]

All I'm saying is I didn't intend to be a chaeter. NS had every intention of cheating right from the get-go. Which, is no surprise from a serial cheater.

 

 

intent doesn't matter. a cheater is a cheater. What?..just because you didn't "intend" to cheat, makes you better than NS? I don't think so.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'm sorry I have to agree on this. I can't imagine how "falling in love" can be looked at as cheap and tawdy no matter what pair of glasses you are looking through.

 

its not "falling in love" that is seen as cheap and tawdry. Its cheating.

 

doesn't matter if one is "in love", or only thinks its "love", when they cheat.

 

Cheating is cheating and its cheap no matter how you slice it.

[Devil Inside]

its not "falling in love" that is seen as cheap and tawdry. Its cheating.

 

doesn't matter if one is "in love", or only thinks its "love", when they cheat.

 

Cheating is cheating and its cheap no matter how you slice it.

 

Dexter has a point here.

 

I have struggled with this...but it is the truth. Me falling in love with my xOW was what it was...it happens, and it is not an ugly and dirty thing.

 

What was wrong was allowing myself to be in a position where I allowed another woman to get so close to me that I fell in love. That I put myself in a position to fall in love with her.

 

It was then further compounded by acting on the emotions we felt. Along the way there were about 100 decisions made. I made them all in favor of cheating. Whether I loved her or not...it was wrong to put myself in a spot to love her...and worse to act on it.

 

So does that mean that loving someone other than my wife is wrong...no, but if I was to do it the right way I should have given her the respect of ending our marriage before moving on to a new relationship.

[ladydesigner]

I used to think cheating was the worst thing you could do to a person and then I ended up on the other side of the fence...A CHEATER... Everyone here has made excellent points and I hope to learn from all of this and never ever go back down this lonely, shallow, and disgusting road again. If I could help anyone avoid an affair then that is what I will do.

 

Dexter you are right in your post because when I found out my husband cheated on me that is exactly what I thought of the OW...CHEAP, I guess I need to do my own self-reflecting.

[NoIDidn't]

So does that mean that loving someone other than my wife is wrong...no, but if I was to do it the right way I should have given her the respect of ending our marriage before moving on to a new relationship.

 

I agree. I didn't find the feelings that my H had for his co-worker wrong, just the timing of them. He should have told me before he pursued her. That's all anyone truly asks.

[bentnotbroken]

I agree. I didn't find the feelings that my H had for his co-worker wrong' date=' just the timing of them. He should have told me before he pursued her. That's all anyone truly asks.[/quote']

 

 

Exactly. The assumption that BS don't ever feel anything for someone else is a myth, an anomaly, or wishful thinking. What human doesn't find themselves occasionally attracted to, maybe even fantasizing about the dream person. It is normal. It is the disrespect of acting on those feelings without telling me of those feelings. I should have had a choice about how to deal with it. All I wanted was choice.

[jennie-jennie]

I agree. I didn't find the feelings that my H had for his co-worker wrong' date=' just the timing of them. He should have told me before he pursued her. That's all anyone truly asks.[/quote']

 

I too agree with this. As strange as you may find it, I do not agree with my MM's way of handling things.

[taylor]

I am here, I was away for a few days with my W, i hope thats ok with taylor,misty and jennie..

 

I could care less what you do with your time away from LS...obviously NID does...

 

 

I read all the posts and frankly i am tired of responding to taylor

 

No need to respond. I am used to you avoiding my questions.

 

she is obviously still hung up on her om and a year later is still posting about it/quote]

 

I join the ranks of other BS, WS, and OP whose lives have been touched by an affair and who have residual feelings to work thru for months after the end of the affair.

 

Just because I post about my experience in an EA with an OM does not mean I am "hung up" in any way. There are posters here still posting about affairs that ended years ago..doesn't mean they are hung up in any way.

 

I think I have made it very clear in my thread on the OW/OM forum how I buried anger and resentment with regard to my job loss. You are wrong to assume or imply that I still have "longing" feelings for the OM.

 

In a couple years I may still be posting here about my experience as a WS in an EA with a sOM. Doesn't mean I care squat about the OM or that I haven't moved passed the affair. There are many posters here who have been touched by affairs and who continue to post even tho they are many months..or years...removed from the event.

 

You seem to be truly bothered by people who have the ability to love and care deeply for other human beings..so much so that they need and TAKE TIME to resolve those feelings.

 

Again, I worry that you will not see that your wife is entitled to whatever feelings she has about you and the affair in 6 months or a year from now. If you think she will put this all behind her, like you have miraculously been able to put the affair behind you, you may be in for a surprise.

 

 

 

her marriage is stronger now

 

My marriage is stronger now because my husband and I have worked hard for 1.5 years to work thru feelings and issues. Our commitment is strong..so strong in fact that I can talk about the OM on this forum and not feel it is a threat whatsoever to my marriage. That's how secure I feel in the progress my marriage has made thus far.

 

she cant fathom that i have decided to give up thoughts of my ow

 

No, that's not it at all. I just can't wrap my head around a human being that can have such superficial as you can.

 

You are not like many of the other MM who post here...like Devil Inside, Stampdaddy, Confused4Now..and others...all of whom were capable of feeling something for the women they engaged in sex with.

 

Personally, I never engaged in sex with any man that wasn't emotionally involved with me. And I think there is just something a little diabolical about a man that does. But, again, that is just my opinion.

 

so really she really cant give me any good advice

 

I don't recall you seeking any advice with this thread.

 

she wants full apologies to my ow,her cat,her dog, etc etc..its ridculous,

 

I don't want you to do anything you aren't capable of. But like Misty said, when someone apologizes to someone else they hurt, it shows a little of their humanity. It would have been redeeming.

 

she needs to get over it already and work on her marriage rather than critisizing me for doing so

 

Please refer me to the post where I criticized you for working on your marriage. I would really like to see that one.

 

I am entitled to work on my marriage in my own time frame and in the way I see fit. I do not need a newbie telling me how long it should take for me to recover my marriage or how to do it, especially when you don't know all the facts and circumstances in my life.

 

you would think she was a bs by the way she talks.

 

I was not a BS but I communicate with many of them on this forum and I can totally empathize with them. I can easily put myself in their shoes and feel their pain. There have been many BS here who have helped me during the past 1.5 years to gain clarity. They know who they are.

[Gamine]

Dexter has a point here.

 

I have struggled with this...but it is the truth. Me falling in love with my xOW was what it was...it happens, and it is not an ugly and dirty thing.

 

What was wrong was allowing myself to be in a position where I allowed another woman to get so close to me that I fell in love. That I put myself in a position to fall in love with her.

 

It was then further compounded by acting on the emotions we felt. Along the way there were about 100 decisions made. I made them all in favor of cheating. Whether I loved her or not...it was wrong to put myself in a spot to love her...and worse to act on it.

 

So does that mean that loving someone other than my wife is wrong...no, but if I was to do it the right way I should have given her the respect of ending our marriage before moving on to a new relationship.

 

Or rather, more ideally, to remove yourself from the situation entirely as soon as you knew you were feeling something.... and focus entirely on your wife. Just think, had you done so none of this would be happening now. You would be remembering only the interesting woman you almost screwed things up for. Instead of the woman you screwed your life up for...

[Sanafa]

Or rather, more ideally, to remove yourself from the situation entirely as soon as you knew you were feeling something.... and focus entirely on your wife. Just think, had you done so none of this would be happening now. You would be remembering only the interesting woman you almost screwed things up for. Instead of the woman you screwed your life up for...

 

True... But I am in the park, that everything and everyone comes into your life for a reason.

 

DI is working extremly hard on himself...some may argue that, but I see pain and confusion. Had he not had the A or as he says let himself walk through that door, he would not have dealt with the obvious issues.

 

IF he finds he is truly unhappy, to me that means his W/Children and the people he loves will also suffer.... pain is a terrible thing, but it can cause growth and change

 

All Affairs are a result of something broken.... in the marriage and not ever one-sided.... had he choose to close that door, something else would have been in his path and no one can say for sure that would not have had a worse outcome.

 

It happened, and I agree with DI.... I also am tired of apologizing for loving someone. How we did it was wrong, loving someone never is and the growth that DI is seeking is the real gift..... to EVERYONE in his life.