I just dont get it

[NOTSURE7]

I'm going against the grain here, but I think NS is one of the few who may have (in hindsight) realized what he felt for his OW wasn't based on reality, it was totally fantasy and all about him. Maybe he did love her, but it wasn't the kind of love that is long lasting, otherwise he would have chosen the OW over his wife and children. Seems he really got caught up in the romance of it all, but once he confessed he realized where his true feelings lay..With his wife.

 

He knows how he feels, so who are we to tell him any different.

 

i couldnt have said it better myself, i dont know why people cannot beleive this,the A ratchets up so many emotions but they arent real, i dont care what people say, yes they are real in the moment or during the A but if they were so real then nothing would stop you from leaving your bs and pursuing this emotional utopia.

[NOTSURE7]

That was a hell of a daze Notsure.

 

 

My point is that you more than anyone should be able to understand how an affair changes your perception.

 

Maybe some people need longer than others to uncover things and to see the whole landscape clearly.

 

maybe women are different than men in this regard.

 

i understand people have a need to take longer,i get that, my question is more with the ones who declare how wrong and selfish and how they love their bs and how caring and loving thier bs is etc etc, then you see them post about how they cant get over the op and why did the op do this or not care about this..

[PhoenixRise]

i understand people have a need to take longer,i get that, my question is more with the ones who declare how wrong and selfish and how they love their bs and how caring and loving thier bs is etc etc, then you see them post about how they cant get over the op and why did the op do this or not care about this..

 

 

I see..

 

You are refering to a thread currently active in the OW forum?

 

I think in that situation it is not that the OP is pining for the AP. It is that in the OP willingness to take responsibility for the situation that she created, she supressed some anger and resentment toward the AP that is now coming out. There is nothing in her posts that expresses a current longing for the AP.

[stampdaddy]

i understand people have a need to take longer,i get that, my question is more with the ones who declare how wrong and selfish and how they love their bs and how caring and loving thier bs is etc etc, then you see them post about how they cant get over the op and why did the op do this or not care about this..

 

I personally dont see this type of description very much here. Sure, I see the "WHEW, she/he didnt kick my ass out, YET" and I see the "guilt posts", but not anything like you describe. You make it sould as if your wife basically said, "oh, no problem honey... I wuv you....."

 

but then again, I wasnt there, now was I?

[NOTSURE7]

I personally dont see this type of description very much here. Sure, I see the "WHEW, she/he didnt kick my ass out, YET" and I see the "guilt posts", but not anything like you describe. You make it sould as if your wife basically said, "oh, no problem honey... I wuv you....."

 

but then again, I wasnt there, now was I?

 

oh beleive me my wife said nothing to that extent..i am going through the same things as any other ws who broke their bs heart and betrayed their trust and devastated them beyond belief, its no walk in the park my friend.

[stampdaddy]

oh beleive me my wife said nothing to that extent..i am going through the same things as any other ws who broke their bs heart and betrayed their trust and devastated them beyond belief, its no walk in the park my friend.

 

well din... I's stands corrected....

 

Hate that you are going through this. Question (sorry I cant remember) Your OP/AP whatever she is called... Does she feel teh same way you do? "OK, had my jollies, now off to another MM?" or does/did she pine after you?

[NOTSURE7]

well din... I's stands corrected....

 

Hate that you are going through this. Question (sorry I cant remember) Your OP/AP whatever she is called... Does she feel teh same way you do? "OK, had my jollies, now off to another MM?" or does/did she pine after you?

 

yes it is a very dark time in my life but i have to go through this in order to reap the benefits of an honest and stronger marriage in the future..

 

as far as my mow,the last contact i had was an email that she sent that said she was hurt but i never answered the email and i really dont know the answers as to whether she is pining or going after someone else because at this point i dont really care and i went full nc and i mean full nc.....

[Devil Inside]

Just my two cents from my experience....

 

My A has been over for almost three months now. Looking back I can see that, yes, some elements of our relationship were figments of my imagination. Alot of the reasons I got into the affair where based on character deficits that exist in me...not my marriage.

 

However, I did fall in love with my xOW. Whatever those emotions were based on doesn't make them any less real. Many will say, well if you loved her so much why didn't you leave. I didn't leave because love is not enough. My marriage is not beyond repair, my children are young...I was not ready to throw in the towel just yet...even though I wanted to more than anything.

 

So I am now working on my M. Yes, I miss my xOW. Yes I still have days where it is really painful. I do not talk to her, we have no contact. I am working on giving my W the part of my heart that I gave to another. Yet, I still have emotions. I don't just fall in love out of nowhere, and I don't think I can fall out of it so easily.

 

I agree...to make your M work you have to get over your loss and move on...however...it may take longer for some...like me. In the end, I don't think I'll look back and say it was just about "good times." My xOW was the love of my life. I appreciate the experience and her for what they were...and I will forever be changed.

[jennie-jennie]

My MM explained D-day and "throwing the OW under the bus" like this:

 

You have two boats that you love. One boat starts sinking. You are going to concentrate on that one until it is saved. When you know it is floating safely again, you will have time to think about your other boat.

[NOTSURE7]

Just my two cents from my experience....

 

My A has been over for almost three months now. Looking back I can see that, yes, some elements of our relationship were figments of my imagination. Alot of the reasons I got into the affair where based on character deficits that exist in me...not my marriage.

 

However, I did fall in love with my xOW. Whatever those emotions were based on doesn't make them any less real. Many will say, well if you loved her so much why didn't you leave. I didn't leave because love is not enough. My marriage is not beyond repair, my children are young...I was not ready to throw in the towel just yet...even though I wanted to more than anything.

 

So I am now working on my M. Yes, I miss my xOW. Yes I still have days where it is really painful. I do not talk to her, we have no contact. I am working on giving my W the part of my heart that I gave to another. Yet, I still have emotions. I don't just fall in love out of nowhere, and I don't think I can fall out of it so easily.

 

I agree...to make your M work you have to get over your loss and move on...however...it may take longer for some...like me. In the end, I don't think I'll look back and say it was just about "good times." My xOW was the love of my life. I appreciate the experience and her for what they were...and I will forever be changed.

 

thats fair enough and i respect what your saying...i hope it all works out for you..

[NOTSURE7]

My MM explained D-day and "throwing the OW under the bus" like this:

 

You have two boats that you love. One boat starts sinking. You are going to concentrate on that one until it is saved. When you know it is floating safely again, you will have time to think about your other boat.[/quote

 

there is affair love and there is real everyday love..

 

but what your mm said maybe true for him but i truly dont see that happening with me and i think his statement shows the exact things i was saying, that affairs are based on selfishness,neediness,self deservingness and a sense of entitlement,just look at his statement it reeks of selfishness and bs..

[jennie-jennie]

My MM explained D-day and "throwing the OW under the bus" like this:

 

You have two boats that you love. One boat starts sinking. You are going to concentrate on that one until it is saved. When you know it is floating safely again, you will have time to think about your other boat.[/quote

 

there is affair love and there is real everyday love..

 

but what your mm said maybe true for him but i truly dont see that happening with me and i think his statement shows the exact things i was saying, that affairs are based on selfishness,neediness,self deservingness and a sense of entitlement,just look at his statement it reeks of selfishness and bs..

 

Well, that was the short version of what he said. I would use none of your nouns above to describe it, and I was the one who heard it. Hope you post again after you have woken up from D-day daze.

 

PS All true love for a partner is selfish by the way, whether it is the S or an OP. Unselfish love is for loving kids.

[PhoenixRise]

Just my two cents from my experience....

 

My A has been over for almost three months now. Looking back I can see that, yes, some elements of our relationship were figments of my imagination. Alot of the reasons I got into the affair where based on character deficits that exist in me...not my marriage.

 

However, I did fall in love with my xOW. Whatever those emotions were based on doesn't make them any less real. Many will say, well if you loved her so much why didn't you leave. I didn't leave because love is not enough. My marriage is not beyond repair, my children are young...I was not ready to throw in the towel just yet...even though I wanted to more than anything.

 

So I am now working on my M. Yes, I miss my xOW. Yes I still have days where it is really painful. I do not talk to her, we have no contact. I am working on giving my W the part of my heart that I gave to another. Yet, I still have emotions. I don't just fall in love out of nowhere, and I don't think I can fall out of it so easily.

 

I agree...to make your M work you have to get over your loss and move on...however...it may take longer for some...like me. In the end, I don't think I'll look back and say it was just about "good times." My xOW was the love of my life. I appreciate the experience and her for what they were...and I will forever be changed.

 

 

Devil Inside

 

I truly feel bad for your wife. No woman wants to think her H is with her because of the children or because of some sense of obligation. She probaly feels that SHE deserves to have a man in her life who thinks SHE is the love of his life and that there is no place he would rather be than with her.

 

If you truly feel this way about your XOW then you should tell your wife and let her decide for herself what kind of life she wants to live. Maybe she like you is covering up some unhappiness. Maybe she will decide to work on the relationship. Maybe she will want to leave and find someone who can love her the way you say you love the XOW. I think she deserves to be able to make an informed decision.

[NOTSURE7]

 

Well, that was the short version of what he said. I would use none of your nouns above to describe it, and I was the one who heard it. Hope you post again after you have woken up from D-day daze.

 

PS All true love for a partner is selfish by the way, whether it is the S or an OP. Unselfish love is for loving kids.

 

i will keep posting but there is no dday daze going on here...

 

his statement is flat out selfish and not selfish in a loving way, its selfish in an i love myself and i am selfish way....

 

his statement is meant to keep you hanging on, its typical behavior, beleive me i did it all, was a master at keeping my ow on the hook and believing and it seems so is your mm..

[jennie-jennie]

Well, he who lives will see. By the way, you do know we have not had a Dday? This was just hypothetical talk.

[PhoenixRise]

I'm going against the grain here, but I think NS is one of the few who may have (in hindsight) realized what he felt for his OW wasn't based on reality, it was totally fantasy and all about him. Maybe he did love her, but it wasn't the kind of love that is long lasting, otherwise he would have chosen the OW over his wife and children. Seems he really got caught up in the romance of it all, but once he confessed he realized where his true feelings lay..With his wife.

 

He knows how he feels, so who are we to tell him any different.

 

 

WWIU

 

I agree with your post here. I am not saying that Notsure feelings are deeper for the OW than he is saying, nor am I saying his stated feelings for his wife are untrue. I think it is often the case that the affair feelings do not stand up when the affair is exposed and reality hits.

 

I am just saying that people recover differently and for some people it takes more time to get there.

[NOTSURE7]

Well, he who lives will see. By the way, you do know we have not had a Dday? This was just hypothetical talk.

 

wow your full of qoutes today..lol

 

hypothetical is good because you should use his selfish statements as a chance to get out and run far away before you get really hurt..

 

he is selfish and this is self serving, nothing more, nothing less...

 

so i will say touche, she who lives will see, just remember when the real dday arrives, that not sure told you so..

[NOTSURE7]

WWIU

 

I agree with your post here. I am not saying that Notsure feelings are deeper for the OW than he is saying, nor am I saying his stated feelings for his wife are untrue. I think it is often the case that the affair feelings do not stand up when the affair is exposed and reality hits.

 

I am just saying that people recover differently and for some people it takes more time to get there.

 

that i can agree with,people do recover differently but again all i am saying is that you need to not still be pining after awhile if you are really and truly commited to your bs and your m..

[jennie-jennie]

I will remember that, NS.

 

I do find it strange though that BS don't understand that OW might actually be enjoying the ride while it lasts. Have fun now, pay later! How about that one?

[PhoenixRise]

My MM explained D-day and "throwing the OW under the bus" like this:

 

You have two boats that you love. One boat starts sinking. You are going to concentrate on that one until it is saved. When you know it is floating safely again, you will have time to think about your other boat.

 

 

So your MM is saying that if there is a dday he will do or say anything to keep his ship from sinking (keep his wife from leaving) and when things have settled down he will come back to you to continue the affair?

 

So he is telling you he has no intention of EVER leaving his wife?

[Sanafa]

NS,

 

You are truly a gem:rolleyes:

 

If in fact you cared about the OW at all and have "honestly" done a don't care, not problem --- that imo, is a SERIOUS problem.

 

If you truly didn't and were simply having your cake and eating it too with no real emotion for the OW--- then I would ask the same question, Why on god's earth would you risk your loving marriage. Please don't use the fog excuse... it get's beaten to death and is similar to well... I was drunk.

 

For one, personally, if you had any sort of an A - other than a ONS or a strictly once twice every few months PA---- I believe you should have emotions....if in fact you care about anyone other than yourself.

 

Apologies but you truly sound like a narcissist - Unable to see anyone but yourself.... when the A worked you went on an on.. . and now that you are the saint who came clean you are turning the sales on to the BS and anyone else who will buy what your selling...... apparently not many here including your own camp. Perhaps you should really consider that.

 

As for Devil.... you know I have told you so many times I feel for you - most likely because as you said ----fog/excitement/daze...whatever you want to excuse it too, when you love someone you do not turn it off overnight and while I have shared my concerns about your choice- I also believe you must try to save your marriage as long as you do it whole heartedly and if it still isn't working for you, you do the right thing.

 

Love is never simple and as you said - not always enough.... I still believe those that truly haven't experienced it, will never understand it and I believe most settle long before experiencing how good and real it can be.

[Devil Inside]

Devil Inside

 

I truly feel bad for your wife. No woman wants to think her H is with her because of the children or because of some sense of obligation. She probaly feels that SHE deserves to have a man in her life who thinks SHE is the love of his life and that there is no place he would rather be than with her.

 

If you truly feel this way about your XOW then you should tell your wife and let her decide for herself what kind of life she wants to live. Maybe she like you is covering up some unhappiness. Maybe she will decide to work on the relationship. Maybe she will want to leave and find someone who can love her the way you say you love the XOW. I think she deserves to be able to make an informed decision.

 

I hear what you are saying Phoenix. I am not being fair to my W.

 

I wonder, though, how many people are actually married to the love of their life. It's a great concept to marry the person that you have felt most connected to in every way. For me, I think that we got married so young that we were not the people we are today. Don't get me wrong...I love my wife. It's just different. I want to make sure to put the time in and self reflection before I tell her, hey I was with my soulmate...and it's not you. I need for the A to not influence me so much...I still don't trust my emotions.

 

Either way, what you said about telling her, I am considering it.

[PhoenixRise]

that i can agree with,people do recover differently but again all i am saying is that you need to not still be pining after awhile if you are really and truly commited to your bs and your m..

 

 

I get what you are saying.

[NOTSURE7]

I will remember that, NS.

 

I do find it strange though that BS don't understand that OW might actually be enjoying the ride while it lasts. Have fun now, pay later! How about that one?

 

hey i am a wh so i can relate to what your ssaying and i can also see the bs your mm is spewing to keep you on the hook..

 

personally i think that the ow is just as selfish and self serving as the om...

 

so i can understand that you think that way,but its gonna hurt because your mm and his boat analogies are already warning you of whats to come.

 

he is selfish and this is all about him, make no mistake about that...why if you know already that you will get hurt later, not take the offense and get out, your philosphy is a silly way to live...

[NOTSURE7]

NS,

 

You are truly a gem:rolleyes:

 

If in fact you cared about the OW at all and have "honestly" done a don't care, not problem --- that imo, is a SERIOUS problem.

 

If you truly didn't and were simply having your cake and eating it too with no real emotion for the OW--- then I would ask the same question, Why on god's earth would you risk your loving marriage. Please don't use the fog excuse... it get's beaten to death and is similar to well... I was drunk.

 

For one, personally, if you had any sort of an A - other than a ONS or a strictly once twice every few months PA---- I believe you should have emotions....if in fact you care about anyone other than yourself.

 

Apologies but you truly sound like a narcissist - Unable to see anyone but yourself.... when the A worked you went on an on.. . and now that you are the saint who came clean you are turning the sales on to the BS and anyone else who will buy what your selling...... apparently not many here including your own camp. Perhaps you should really consider that.

 

As for Devil.... you know I have told you so many times I feel for you - most likely because as you said ----fog/excitement/daze...whatever you want to excuse it too, when you love someone you do not turn it off overnight and while I have shared my concerns about your choice- I also believe you must try to save your marriage as long as you do it whole heartedly and if it still isn't working for you, you do the right thing.

 

Love is never simple and as you said - not always enough.... I still believe those that truly haven't experienced it, will never understand it and I believe most settle long before experiencing how good and real it can be.

 

gems are rare..