I just dont get it

[whichwayisup]

well said, thank you

 

You're welcome NS.

 

How's MC going? And IC?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

But I do think your insensitivity to how you may have hurt the OW (whether or not the BS's feel she deserved it) explains why you don't get how other WS's have lingering feelings.

 

His OW pulled out first Misty!!!! I don't see any empathy on how that might have hurt NS. It certainly (IMO) seemed like a catalyst in his being so compelled to make a decision.

[MistyK]

But I do think your insensitivity to how you may have hurt the OW (whether or not the BS's feel she deserved it) explains why you don't get how other WS's have lingering feelings.

 

His OW pulled out first Misty!!!! I don't see any empathy on how that might have hurt NS. It certainly (IMO) seemed like a catalyst in his being so compelled to make a decision.

 

Touche. I agree.

[NoIDidn't]

But I do think your insensitivity to how you may have hurt the OW (whether or not the BS's feel she deserved it) explains why you don't get how other WS's have lingering feelings.

 

His OW pulled out first Misty!!!! I don't see any empathy on how that might have hurt NS. It certainly (IMO) seemed like a catalyst in his being so compelled to make a decision.

 

Good observation.

 

Could his reaction be because he was rejected by his OW?

 

I don't post much on NSs threads, so I don't know the full history. It seems that some of the posters are also posting with a similar lack of knowledge concerning NS's posting history.

[whichwayisup]

It seems that some of the posters are also posting with a similar lack of knowledge concerning NS's posting history.

 

That and projecting their own feelings/situations onto NS's thread.

[taylor]

Back to the OP: I don't get it either NS' date=' but people do it, IMO, because they haven't addressed the issues that made them stray to begin with.[/quote']

 

Working thru all the feelings..pre-affair, during the affair, and post-affair are all a part of the healing process. It's hard to address and solve marital issues without this process taking place. Get it now?

 

I have no problem with a person that is able to turn off their emotions like a "faucet". Its a required trait if you wish to make decisions without the cloud of emotions - even in a highly emotionally charged situation.

 

I agree no decisions should be made when the atmosphere is emotionally charged. But I completely disagree that decisions should be made without considering the emotions involved. Many wrong decisions are made without considering emotions. And any decision made devoid of emotions is a decision made by looking at only half the picture.

 

I will not criticize a person who is able to turn his emotions on and off like a faucet.

 

But personally, I would not want to be with a person like this. This kind of person has superficial relationships with others, ie., he attaches little meaning to those he is in relationships with.

 

I have no use for a person such as this. If I am going to give a person some of my valuable time, that person has to mean something to me. Otherwise, it's a waste of my time and that other person's time.

 

Some people just don't see it that way.

[Devil Inside]

That and projecting their own feelings/situations onto NS's thread.

 

We all do that.

[taylor]

I'm just interested in the parent/child references.. I was wondering if there was something in this thread that made OP's relationship with OW seem like a parent/child relationship.

 

Sorry, Angie, but I think you missed the point.

 

The parent/child example was to EMPHASIZE grief, loss, and associated feelings that are difficult to overcome, sometimes for years.

 

It could easily have been an example of a grown simbling dealing with the loss of another grown sibling...and dealing with the long-standing grief associated with it.

 

Or perhaps the death of a spouse...and the long-standing grief associated with it.

 

And the point being that people have feelings and sometimes those feelings are difficult to overcome, even for months and years, and may continue to persist long after the person entertains a desire to move on.

 

I don't think there is any parent/child dynamic going on here with the OP and I never meant to imply that there was.

[taylor]

His OW pulled out first Misty!!!! I don't see any empathy on how that might have hurt NS.

 

It's hard to have empathy for a person who has no feelings. NS said he felt "nothing" for the OW.

 

How do you have empathy for "nothing"?

[LaGazelle]

I also got a pool analogy from him. I am the pool, nice and warm and he knows he can swim, but didn't want the ladder (his W) taken away yet.

 

I get it, everyone likes to have a plan B. But that's so wrong. It always pissed me off that xMM "needed" his plan B (his W) until he was "sure" about the D and being with me, but I was not afforded the same luxry - dating other people while he "decided" was absolutely out of the question. And it's not like his W had a fallback either.

 

Well perhaps the secondary relationship was the real plan B, in case his M didn't work and he really got a divorce. That his W was plan B is probably one of the other lies he fed you. I think you are better off without him, with a fair chance to date and find your own primary relationship rather than play second fiddle.

[taylor]

That and projecting their own feelings/situations onto NS's thread.

 

Everyone uses their own unique experiences and life knowledge to forumulate opinions about other people and their situation.

 

And I think every person who posts a new thread is aware of this.

[taylor]

just out of curiosity, NS, if your wife said she is having a hard time getting over what you did with another woman....what would you say to her if she said that she needs to go out and have another man make her squeal and give her orgasms in an attempt to help her cope?

 

I think an even better question, in light of the thread's theme, would be this:

 

If your wife told you she had a 6 month long, meaningless affair with some guy she thought was her "soulmate", but went NC with him, had no feelings for him, and wanted a happy life with you...

 

Would you FEEL anything?

 

And if you did feel something, would you be able to turn those feelings off overnight so that you could tip-toe happily thru the tulips with your cheating wife?

 

Could you turn those emotions off, like a faucet..not dwell on them...so that you could get on with a happy, married life with her?

[taylor]

IIt's obvious to everyone that you treated your W badly, that goes without saying. But many people here don't care if MM treat OW like crap.

 

No one has the right to treat any human being like crap.

 

Yes, the MM treated his wife like crap. If you are that MM, fix it. Apologize and spend the rest of your life making it up to her.

 

But it still does not give the MM the right to treat the OW like crap AS WELL. Two wrongs don't make a right. If you treated her like crap AS WELL, you should apologize.

 

You hurt two human beings. You should apologize to both.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[whichwayisup]

It's hard to have empathy for a person who has no feelings. NS said he felt "nothing" for the OW.

 

How do you have empathy for "nothing"?

 

He did feel something for the OW, at the time, but then once D-Day occured, that changed. He realized it wasn't the inlove feelings. It's easy to confuse lust/sexual desire and/or emotional attachment with feelings of love.

 

He does however, love his wife..D_Day has brought on some deep emotions he thought he didn't have for his wife..That's a good thing. And for him to admit that he feels nothing for his exMW, that's also a good thing as the focus will be just on recovery, fixing himself, fixing things with his wife. The exMW shouldn't matter anymore at all, I don't understand why it keeps getting brought up over and over again, what good is it when NS's focus is now squarely on his wife?

[jennie-jennie]

everyone loves the haze and the fog and the daze, you all have so many different hazes and fogs for me that even i dont know which one you think i am in....lol

 

apparently if i see things clearly but it dosent fit the exact mold of what i am "supposed" to be thinking or saying based on everyones experience then wow i must be in a daze...

 

I am just saying that you are likely to still be experiencing the effects of Dday. I am absolutely fine with what you are feeling and thinking, nothing wrong with that. I am just putting in a word of caution that your perception of things might change as time goes on. Then again they might not. But you don't deny that Dday is still affecting you, do you?

 

Regret is an interesting subject. I can understand that it must be more likely that a MP feels regret than an OP. The marriage in which he/she lives has been affected. But why should I regret my EMR? I have had 4 wonderful years so far. I know when/if this relationship ends I will grieve MM and our relationship immensely. But I can't imagine that that grief would last for four years.

[whichwayisup]

You hurt two human beings. You should apologize to both.

 

The MW WILLING went into the A and did just the same thing. So, in your theory, she must owe NS an apology as well. In an affair setting, with all the lying, cheating and betraying going on, SOMEONE is going to be treated like sh.it and be second fiddle at times. Seems these two both did the same thing..

[jennie-jennie]

No one has the right to treat any human being like crap.

 

Yes, the MM treated his wife like crap. If you are that MM, fix it. Apologize and spend the rest of your life making it up to her.

 

But it still does not give the MM the right to treat the OW like crap AS WELL. Two wrongs don't make a right. If you treated her like crap AS WELL, you should apologize.

 

You hurt two human beings. You should apologize to both.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

Spend the rest of your life making it up to her? I don't get this. At some point the affair must be in the past and married life go on as usual. Otherwise I can see no healthy balance in the relationship between the two spouses.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

It's hard to have empathy for a person who has no feelings. NS said he felt "nothing" for the OW.

 

Everyone is ignoring the possibility that NS was hurt by OW's decision to end the A. How many men do you know that CAN turn off their feelings when they've been hurt? I know a quite a few, I also know a few women like that. While everyone doesn't have that ability, it IS a type of coping mechanism.

 

Also, as someone stated above, he's in a crisis right now, following DDay. The quickest way to forget about any pain is to induce a greater pain.

 

If a man can compartmenalize enough to carry on an affair while still playing the role of adoring H, then why is it so difficult to believe that he can't/shouldn't be able to just disconnect and sever all emotional connections to his OW.

[jennie-jennie]

It's hard to have empathy for a person who has no feelings. NS said he felt "nothing" for the OW.

 

Everyone is ignoring the possibility that NS was hurt by OW's decision to end the A. How many men do you know that CAN turn off their feelings when they've been hurt? I know a quite a few, I also know a few women like that. While everyone doesn't have that ability, it IS a type of coping mechanism.

 

Also, as someone stated above, he's in a crisis right now, following DDay. The quickest way to forget about any pain is to induce a greater pain.

 

If a man can compartmenalize enough to carry on an affair while still playing the role of adoring H, then why is it so difficult to believe that he can't/shouldn't be able to just disconnect and sever all emotional connections to his OW.

 

Good points. So how much exactly did NS choose his wife? It seems he only had one choice left.

[PhoenixRise]

I think the issue that Misty had with Notsure's posts to JJ had nothing to do with a notion that Notsure owed the OW anything, or was wrong to reconcile with his wife, or was wrong to focus exclusively on his wife, or was wrong to go NC with the OW

 

Notsure took a tone with JJ suggesting that he could tell her what MM do to keep the affair partner on the hook. He talked about how they do and say anything to keep the affair alive.

 

When we look back less than 2 months ago, there are pages and pages of Notsure's post that indicated that he loved the OW, thought she was his soulmate, and when dday came he confessed with the intention of leaving his wife.

 

Now if he TOLD the OW he felt this way about her was he lying to her at the time just to keep her on the hook? OR was he telling her how he really felt at the time?

 

If he truly felt real emotions for the OW in the context of the affair and He believes that those emotions don't stand up to the light of dday.... fine.

But if he was just a MM who was saying and doing anything he needed to to keep the affair alive then he was playing massive head games with the OW and with a bunch of nameless faceless LS posters who tried to help him when he arrived here and putting his marriage on the line for some game he was playing to boot.

 

Having said all that....

 

I have no problem with the actions Notsure has taken in the wake of his dday. If he truly loves his wife and wants the marriage he is doing the right things.

[taylor]

He did feel something for the OW, at the time, but then once D-Day occured, that changed. He realized it wasn't the inlove feelings. It's easy to confuse lust/sexual desire and/or emotional attachment with feelings of love.

 

I was responding to a comment about offering the OP empathy because his OW dumped him.

 

He said he felt "nothing" for his OW. If he felt nothing, why should anyone have empathy for him because his OW dumped him?

[whichwayisup]

Now if he TOLD the OW he felt this way about her was he lying to her at the time just to keep her on the hook? OR was he telling her how he really felt at the time?

I will go back and check, but I'm pretty sure the exMW said she wasn't going to leave her H, reguardless of what NS did.

 

If he truly loves his wife and wants the marriage he is doing the right things.

Exactly! And that's why his focus has to be on recovery and moving forward with his wife..Not looking backwards and talking/remembering the A and the xMW.

[PhoenixRise]

I will go back and check, but I'm pretty sure the exMW said she wasn't going to leave her H, reguardless of what NS did.

 

 

Exactly! And that's why his focus has to be on recovery and moving forward with his wife..Not looking backwards and talking/remembering the A and the xMW.

 

 

I am pretty sure that Notsure insisted that the OW would leave if he did.

He even posted about what it would be like trying to blend their families as the OW had children too.

[MistyK]

I think the issue that Misty had with Notsure's posts to JJ had nothing to do with a notion that Notsure owed the OW anything, or was wrong to reconcile with his wife, or was wrong to focus exclusively on his wife, or was wrong to go NC with the OW

 

Notsure took a tone with JJ suggesting that he could tell her what MM do to keep the affair partner on the hook. He talked about how they do and say anything to keep the affair alive.

 

When we look back less than 2 months ago, there are pages and pages of Notsure's post that indicated that he loved the OW, thought she was his soulmate, and when dday came he confessed with the intention of leaving his wife.

 

Now if he TOLD the OW he felt this way about her was he lying to her at the time just to keep her on the hook? OR was he telling her how he really felt at the time?

 

If he truly felt real emotions for the OW in the context of the affair and He believes that those emotions don't stand up to the light of dday.... fine.

But if he was just a MM who was saying and doing anything he needed to to keep the affair alive then he was playing massive head games with the OW and with a bunch of nameless faceless LS posters who tried to help him when he arrived here and putting his marriage on the line for some game he was playing to boot.

 

Having said all that....

 

I have no problem with the actions Notsure has taken in the wake of his dday. If he truly loves his wife and wants the marriage he is doing the right things.

 

 

Precisely! Thank you Phoenix.

[taylor]

He does however, love his wife..

 

How do you know this? Because he says it?

 

He also said his OW was his soulmate.

 

I think it will be a long time before NS knows for sure that he loves his wife and an even longer time before she truly believes it.

 

I wouldn't be placing any bets just yet. He has alot of "proving" to do.