ucrebecca Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 I have known this man for nearly 4 years, work with him in a job where we cross paths frequently "in the field". Over the years we have become really good friends and we both actually choose each other whenever possible to work on projects together. We talk about tons of stuff. But, always "stand offish" with clear boundaries. We are also both very comfortable with each other. I am 10 years older than him too and am at the point in my life where nothing really surprises me. And we are both married with children. Quite a while ago, I think-in the effort to "shock "me (which nobody ever seems to be able to accomplish), he revealed that he has a body piercing that he has had for a long time but would like to get rid of it. Oh, it should also be said that we both are non-sleepers and often work at night from home. Many times, one of us will send an email to the other (work related) and get an immediate response. That is how we figured out that neither of us sleep much. We have also shared dinners together along with our spouses. And as a result of our work together, have developed a mutual trust that has been paramount to our success in our many team efforts. Sometimes, we will text each other late instead of email simply cause it is faster to get a response. Sometimes we end up chatting about all kinds of things not work related as well. Sometimes, even way into the night. Several months ago, he revealed to me that he has a 'heightened arousal' level frequently. (not totally sure what that means) Well, a few weeks ago, after we had resolved another late night work problem, we just started chatting about how stressful our work has become and began talking about how nice it would be to take a vacation. We casually discussed some places where one could take a relaxing vacation. At the end of the conversation, he casually commented that he was off to take a cold shower before going to bed. Then in another conversation, it was the same thing. When we meet in person, there is always other people around and everything is professional. When we get on the phone or computer, he is definitely more relaxed and conversational and our trusting relationship as friends has allowed us to discuss many things both in person and on phone. I am uncomfortable with the cold shower comments. Not shocked, but wondering if I am being used here. My thoughts go toward ph sex etc... Am I over reacting? R Link to post Share on other sites
Author ucrebecca Posted August 18, 2009 Author Share Posted August 18, 2009 I really like him. He is a great person and my husband is totally aware that we are friends and approves. I have not told my husband about his cold shower comment though. One more thing. We have to go away next week on a business trip for a couple of days. Although we will meet with others once we get to the jopbsite, we will be travelling together and staying in the same location. This will actually be the first time we have travelled together to a remote jobsite. I just dont want to cross the line even a little toe's worth! But I do want to be good friends. R Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 18, 2009 Share Posted August 18, 2009 It may have started out as friends, but he does not want 'good friends'. He wants to sleep with you. I have male friends that are 'good friends' and they do not tell me blatantly sexual things like he tells you. They don't tell me anything they wouldn't say to a male friend. If a guy was telling me about his private piercing, his 'heightened arousal' and needing to 'take a cold shower' all before a trip where we would be traveling together and staying at the same hotel I would immediately know he was planning on making his move. I'm not sure why you don't see that yourself. I guess it is just easier to see from an objective view. As for crossing the line - in a sense it is already being crossed. Once talk becomes even remotely sexual, and you continue to be 'friends' you are enabling an affair. I know you want to be friends with him, but once a guy starts in like this - 'friends' is off the table, probably permanently. You may need to sit him down and tell him a few things: 1. That the innuendos have to stop. Period. 2. That you want things to stay platonic. 3. That you and he will not get drunk together. 4. That you will not agree to be anywhere alone with him sober or drunk (ie: your hotel room or his) Do not waver from this if you do not want to cross the line. The last thing you need is to have to come back from the trip and post "oops, we got drunk and kissed/hooked up". You might think that it won't happen, but trust me - it happens all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ucrebecca Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 Lucrezia, Thank you for your thoughtful response. I totally understand what you are saying. As for me "not" seeing it... I have always hung out like one of the guys, never allowing anything to 'phase me', I have always been the person in any group of friendship I have had that everyone feels 'comfortable' with. I guess I am a 'caretaker' personality. It should also be noted that I married very young, was a virgin when I married and , honestly, NEVER even dated in high school. The reason I never dated was because I thought guys were really stupid and immature and I just was not interested. Until my husband came around. I was 2 months shy of 20 when I married, that made me 19yo. I have been married a LONG time by todays standards. So, I totally see what you are saying. I dont want it to be true. I really want to be a friend to him, I have to say that I almost see him as a son. Am I totally messed up...totally naive or totally what? R Link to post Share on other sites
Author ucrebecca Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 Hello, thank you for your "to the point" reply. I am sure you read my replay to lecrezia, I truly WANT it to be what you say, but how can I be sure. I have found that many people really just dont have someone they trust to really talk to. Someone that doesnt want something from them already! Please go into a little more detail why you feel like he may just want friends. I WANT so bad for it to be just that. Honestly, I am NOT interested in a sexual relationship at all! R Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 Read the book,"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. The late night conversations you guys are having are bordering on the fringes of an EA> Is your husband aware of how often you guys are conversing? Is his wife? If you don`t want this to slip any further, simply ask him: "please don`t say anything to me that you would not say if my husband was standing next to me"................. Make the boundaries crystal clear.And he is disrespecting both his wife AND your husband with his innuendoes. And for God`s sake, don`t discuss any of your marital issues (or his) with him. It will create a very harmful dynamic for all parties involved. If he tries to use you as a sounding board for his marriage issues,respond by recommending that he shoould seek out a good counselor. Link to post Share on other sites
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