Relatoinships are Dead

[silic0ntoad]

Oh woe is me, wimmins have done me so wrong. Nasty, nasty bunch.

 

Stop with the victim attitude.

 

 

I'm not a victim. I may have been victimized. But I'm not a victim.

 

And I'm not bitter. I wish her nothing but the best in her life. But numbers don't lie

[caramel c]

Yeah? I would listen. Go ahead and PM me. I'll take it all day. LOL. I have some unleashing to do myself!

 

 

LOL, thank you I just might take you up on that some time!

[caramel c]

Oh woe is me, wimmins have done me so wrong. Nasty, nasty bunch.

 

Stop with the victim attitude.

 

Ha! I am dealing with an ex who is the 'victim'. Of what, one might ask? Of himself, indeed.

[sweetjasmine]

Men have an insane amount of pressure put on them to be exceedinly, oozingly romantic, exceptionally built, perfectly balanced, overly understanding. It's all bullsh*t. It's falsehoods spit out by hollywood to create drama.

 

And women don't have an insane amount of pressure put on them?

 

but 9 times out of 10 they will be attracted to the man who has the balls to put them in their place.

 

The "put them in their place" attitude is a huge turn-off if you're not a doormat.

 

Yeah, I'm sure the problem with marriage these days is that men don't put women in "their place", and those women dare to act as individuals. Everything was so much better when married women had no choices and couldn't leave the marriage because they had no way of supporting themselves and would be completely ostracized if they took that risk. Back then, the divorce rate was comparatively low, so everything must have been fine. Men and women should be forced to stay in loveless marriages that make them miserable for the sake of making it look like marriage is eternal and important. They need to know "their place". </sarcasm>

[Trialbyfire]

I'm not a victim. I may have been victimized. But I'm not a victim.

 

And I'm not bitter. I wish her nothing but the best in her life. But numbers don't lie

I'm not going to get into a generalized discussion about divorce statistics, since no one knows what happened in each relationship. I can talk about why I'm part of those divorce statistics of being the one to sue for divorce, since he cheated on me. I accept full responsibility for my choice in mate. I allowed myself to fall in love with him. This and other relationships that have ended, have been worthwhile experiences for me. It's taught me life lessons on what I need/want and what drives me, as an individual.

 

Instead of pointing the external finger at the opposite gender, with little to no knowledge of what statistics mean, why don't you look within you and start taking responsibility for self-awareness, creating hard boundaries and sticking to them. No one can walk all over you unless you allow them to. You teach people how to treat you. You are responsible for your actions and choices in life.

[EmperorR]

It's true Hollywood does play a part, let me see movies Ive watched with women, titantic, the faithful ex is protrayed as a Jack ass while his cheating fiancé is the victim oh true love geesh. Thr notebook another cheat but that's ok it's true love hardy har har. I saw a movie this year with my friend bride wars or something dude gets dumped at the altar and turns into a villian.

[silic0ntoad]

I'm not going to get into a generalized discussion about divorce statistics, since no one knows what happened in each relationship. I can talk about why I'm part of those divorce statistics of being the one to sue for divorce, since he cheated on me. I accept full responsibility for my choice in mate. I allowed myself to fall in love with him. This and other relationships that have ended, have been worthwhile experiences for me. It's taught me life lessons on what I need/want and what drives me, as an individual.

 

Instead of pointing the external finger at the opposite gender, with little to no knowledge of what statistics mean, why don't you look within you and start taking responsibility for self-awareness, creating hard boundaries and sticking to them. No one can walk all over you unless you allow them to. You teach people how to treat you. You are responsible for your actions and choices in life.

 

 

 

I am simply stating factual evidence. Sure, men cheat, so do women. It's insidious either way.

 

As far as the second portion of your statement goes, allow me to retort. The girl I dated for 3.5 years, was everything I wanted in a woman. Compassionate. Driven. Fun. Open. Independent. I was compromising. Attentive. I listened. But I stood up for myself. I did things that I considered were right. I look back on it, an honestly, the only thing I did wrong was let her in in the first place. I never once would describe myself as a doormat. I was the one who told her to leave me the hell alone so I could do for me. My female friends tell me alot of guys they date are concerned because I give off an "alpha" male presence, whatever the hell that means (I didn't know we were packs of dogs, btw.)

 

What have I learned through this experience? Not much, honestly. I don't know why she left, or what (if anything) in her eyes I didn't provide, so I can't learn from it. I'll accept that it ended, and move on, but honestly, as I've said before, I am not pointing my finger at one gender over the other. If you recall, I agreed that both sides of the ball need to change for relationships to work. Look above. You'll see that in my posts.

 

As far as my past experiences have gone, I've made mistakes. I've dated ALOT of people. ALOT of different people. This time, I played my cards exactly as I thought they should be played judged by past experiences. Not every action in life is decided by two people in a relationship. Some are DONE by one party, be it man or woman, with not provocation from the other side.

[Trialbyfire]

I am simply stating factual evidence. Sure, men cheat, so do women. It's insidious either way.

 

As far as the second portion of your statement goes, allow me to retort. The girl I dated for 3.5 years, was everything I wanted in a woman. Compassionate. Driven. Fun. Open. Independent. I was compromising. Attentive. I listened. But I stood up for myself. I did things that I considered were right. I look back on it, an honestly, the only thing I did wrong was let her in in the first place. I never once would describe myself as a doormat. I was the one who told her to leave me the hell alone so I could do for me. My female friends tell me alot of guys they date are concerned because I give off an "alpha" male presence, whatever the hell that means (I didn't know we were packs of dogs, btw.)

 

What have I learned through this experience? Not much, honestly. I don't know why she left, or what (if anything) in her eyes I didn't provide, so I can't learn from it. I'll accept that it ended, and move on, but honestly, as I've said before, I am not pointing my finger at one gender over the other. If you recall, I agreed that both sides of the ball need to change for relationships to work. Look above. You'll see that in my posts.

 

As far as my past experiences have gone, I've made mistakes. I've dated ALOT of people. ALOT of different people. This time, I played my cards exactly as I thought they should be played judged by past experiences. Not every action in life is decided by two people in a relationship. Some are DONE by one party, be it man or woman, with not provocation from the other side.

Did you pick her or did she hold a gun to your head, to have a relationship with her?

[silic0ntoad]

Did you pick her or did she hold a gun to your head, to have a relationship with her?

 

 

So I am supposed to be Nostradomus? Know exactly who she is to the T before I decide to date her? That's inscrutiable and assanine to assume that one would learn everything about someone THEN date them. As far as that statement goes, she was everything I wanted until two days before she left. Show me where the magic deck of cards is that displays where every relationship will go and I'll gladly take a few for future use.

[Trialbyfire]

So I am supposed to be Nostradomus? Know exactly who she is to the T before I decide to date her? That's inscrutiable and assanine to assume that one would learn everything about someone THEN date them. As far as that statement goes, she was everything I wanted until two days before she left. Show me where the magic deck of cards is that displays where every relationship will go and I'll gladly take a few for future use.

Did you or did you not pick her?

[silic0ntoad]

Did you or did you not pick her?

 

 

Did I or did I not reply that your question is loaded? It's an unfair assumption you have based purely on your experiences, which I can't fault you for.

 

I won't answer a loaded question because If I say no, you'll lable me a liar. If I say yes, I made my bed and I gotta lay in it(despite, as I have already described, I didn't know this would happen before I dated her. Pardon me for not being too visionary!).

 

So, I'll say neither. The strands of destiny drove us to meet, yet it was preordained we should part. We may meet by the by, but we are no more.

[Phateless]

All this comes down to working on your own issues so that you can try to have a successful relationship. That doesn't guarantee success, but it improves our odds.

 

The other side of the coin is having the sense to walk away when you see warning signs in other people. I think that's the biggest problem for most of us here on this board.

 

People change. People get bored. It's not always anybody's fault. It just happens.

 

I don't think relationships are dead, but I do think that modern culture has done quite a lot to impede them.

[Trialbyfire]

Did I or did I not reply that your question is loaded? It's an unfair assumption you have based purely on your experiences, which I can't fault you for.

 

I won't answer a loaded question because If I say no, you'll lable me a liar. If I say yes, I made my bed and I gotta lay in it.

 

So, I'll say neither. The strands of destiny drove us to meet, yet it was preordained we should part. We may meet by the by, but we are no more.

You're avoiding responsibility for personal choices. YOU picked every single person that you've dated or been in a relationship with. If they've all failed by your assessment, the only constant is YOU.

 

Whether it's your people picker or something within you, only you can answer that. I think you need to do more self-analysis, instead of blaming 3.3 billion people, of which you've never met most of them...

[silic0ntoad]

You're avoiding responsibility for personal choices. YOU picked every single person that you've dated or been in a relationship with. If they've all failed by your assessment, the only constant is YOU.

 

Whether it's your people picker or something within you, only you can answer that. I think you need to do more self-analysis, instead of blaming 3.3 billion people, of which you've never met most of them...

 

 

I won't justify you with an answer. I won't take responsibility for someone else's course of action. That is ridiculous. Why not let the murderer off scott free because the murdered should have chosen not to get on the train at 11:30, and instead hit the 11:45 ride?

 

Preposterous.

[Phateless]

Did I or did I not reply that your question is loaded? It's an unfair assumption you have based purely on your experiences, which I can't fault you for.

 

I won't answer a loaded question because If I say no, you'll lable me a liar. If I say yes, I made my bed and I gotta lay in it(despite, as I have already described, I didn't know this would happen before I dated her. Pardon me for not being too visionary!).

 

So, I'll say neither. The strands of destiny drove us to meet, yet it was preordained we should part. We may meet by the by, but we are no more.

 

Have you ever asked her why she left? Just out of simple curiosity. It seems as if you genuinely want to know.

 

You're avoiding responsibility for personal choices. YOU picked every single person that you've dated or been in a relationship with. If they've all failed by your assessment, the only constant is YOU.

 

Whether it's your people picker or something within you, only you can answer that. I think you need to do more self-analysis, instead of blaming 3.3 billion people, of which you've never met most of them...

 

TBF, I get what he's saying. He had no way of knowing she would leave after 3.5 years. How could he? He's saying he's done his best to figure out why she left and has no idea.

 

As for the people picker, you are onto something. Everyone makes mistakes to refine their people picker, so you can't fault anyone for that. I think most of us are not nearly as good at choosing good partners as we thought we are. That's how we end up in the situations we do.

 

Maybe his shortcoming is that he doesn't see what he did wrong. Maybe he didn't do anything wrong.

 

We don't know.

 

I just don't think it's fair for us to assume one way or the other.

[silic0ntoad]

Have you ever asked her why she left? Just out of simple curiosity. It seems as if you genuinely want to know.

 

 

 

TBF, I get what he's saying. He had no way of knowing she would leave after 3.5 years. How could he? He's saying he's done his best to figure out why she left and has no idea.

 

As for the people picker, you are onto something. Everyone makes mistakes to refine their people picker, so you can't fault anyone for that. I think most of us are not nearly as good at choosing good partners as we thought we are. That's how we end up in the situations we do.

 

Maybe his shortcoming is that he doesn't see what he did wrong. Maybe he didn't do anything wrong.

 

We don't know.

 

I just don't think it's fair for us to assume one way or the other.

 

 

I have asked. Did she justify me with a true response? No. She owes me no loyalty at this stage, and I her none also.

 

As for the rest, attraction is attraction. If we meet, I am attracted, you are attracted, we click, things are good. I am supposed to NOT date them?

 

People picker? WTF is that? I've dated people from ALL walks of life. I don't have a BOX per se.

[Trialbyfire]

I won't justify you with an answer. I won't take responsibility for someone else's course of action. That is ridiculous. Why not let the murderer off scott free because the murdered should have chosen not to get on the train at 11:30, and instead hit the 11:45 ride?

 

Preposterous.

So instead, you blame women with broad brush stroke by relying on divorce statistics. I could easily say that those divorce statistics were reflective of men's propensity to cheat, but I don't, since I know, like your spin, it's a gross generalization.

 

It's so much easier to blame everyone else, isn't it? This way we don't have to take the self-esteem hit. Sounds to me like a major form of denial.

[Phateless]

I have asked. Did she justify me with a true response? No. She owes me no loyalty at this stage, and I her none also.

 

As for the rest, attraction is attraction. If we meet, I am attracted, you are attracted, we click, things are good. I am supposed to NOT date them?

 

People picker? WTF is that? I've dated people from ALL walks of life. I don't have a BOX per se.

 

Very good point. That's exactly the reason I never got into that conversation with my ex. That and I just didn't want to relive it.

 

People picker = criteria we use to choose a potential mate and our ability to recognize red flags and act on them.

 

I agree, we have to date people to get to know them and make a decision from what we learn. The hard part is acting rationally in spite of emotional involvement/attachment.

[silic0ntoad]

So instead, you blame women with broad brush stroke by relying on divorce statistics. I could easily say that those divorce statistics were reflective of men's propensity to cheat, but I don't, since I know, like your spin, it's a gross generalization.

 

It's so much easier to blame everyone else, isn't it? This way we don't have to take the self-esteem hit. Sounds to me like a major form of denial.

 

 

And yet you refuse to respond to my reply?

 

Call it gross generalization, but it is what it is. 3 out of 4 of those people walking into an office saying "I can't do this, it's not worth fixing, I want a divorce" are women.

 

I didn't say all women are like that. But the numbers don't lie.

[Phateless]

TBF is saying we can't control other people so it's easier to lay cause on them, rather than asking ourselves what we could have done differently.

 

I ask myself that all the time, but after a certain you MUST accept that you can't control things and let go of responsibility that you've been carrying.

 

There's a balance. Important to learn is the ability to recognize the difference.

[Trialbyfire]

And yet you refuse to respond to my reply?

 

Call it gross generalization, but it is what it is. 3 out of 4 of those people walking into an office saying "I can't do this, it's not worth fixing, I want a divorce" are women.

 

I didn't say all women are like that. But the numbers don't lie.

 

Next thing you'll try telling me is mud is really ice cream dropped on the planet by giant taco shaped aliens.

With this attitude, you will fail with any future relationship, until you realize that you have control over who you pick and how you view life, by taking personal responsibility. Victims always fail.

[Trialbyfire]

TBF is saying we can't control other people so it's easier to lay cause on them, rather than asking ourselves what we could have done differently.

 

I ask myself that all the time, but after a certain you MUST accept that you can't control things and let go of responsibility that you've been carrying.

 

There's a balance. Important to learn is the ability to recognize the difference.

Don't put words in my mouth or on paper. His choice is to blame everyone else, 3.3 billion women who he's never met. Let him believe what he wants.

[Phateless]

Don't put words in my mouth or on paper. His choice is to blame everyone else, 3.3 billion women who he's never met. Let him believe what he wants.

 

Sorry, was just trying to mediate.

[silic0ntoad]

With this attitude, you will fail with any future relationship, until you realize that you have control over who you pick and how you view life, by taking personal responsibility. Victims always fail.

 

 

LOL. You are ridiculous. Do you even read what I post? Or simply try to belittle people with rhetoric?

 

Read above. I specifically said I was NOT a victim. I don't view life from the eyes of a victim. Yet, you insist that you know me, and that I will fail. Funny. Ever think MAYBE you're brushing a bit of your own inner turmoil off on people?

 

I'm sorry, I apologize that I don't have relationship precognition, and that I can't tell exactly what someone will do before they do it.

[sweetjasmine]

Call it gross generalization, but it is what it is. 3 out of 4 of those people walking into an office saying "I can't do this, it's not worth fixing, I want a divorce" are women.

 

That doesn't say anything at all about the situation that led to filing for divorce.

 

Is a woman filing for divorce because her husband is abusing her the same as a woman filing for divorce because she's bored with the marriage? The sole fact that person X initiated the divorce doesn't tell you anything about the problems in the marriage. Some problems aren't fixable and some problems aren't worth fixing. The person filing for divorce isn't automatically someone who doesn't want to put the effort into fixing the marriage.