How much effort should it take?!

[Marcella]

I appreciate any insight or sharing of your experiences that any of you can provide. I am 28 years old, very much in love with my boyfriend of four years. I have had several long term relationships before my BF, and so has he. I am expecting a marriage proposal any time now, based on numerous discussions we have had. We generally have very similar morals, ethics, goals in life, etc. So...what is the problem? I'm not sure there is one, which is where maybe you all can help.

 

I have never had to work so hard at any relationship before. We are both very strong-minded people, somewhat stubborn, which results in disagreements pretty regularly. I'm not talking daily, but probably once every week to two weeks, we have an argument, generally about something silly. We fight fairly, don't name call or anything like that. And we generally will communicate afterwards (sometimes a few hours following the argument), and discuss how silly it was and we both apologize. It is rare that we argue about anything that I would consider a major issue. However, they continue to occur.

 

When I look back at past relationships I've had, I realize that either my beau was laid-back to the point where he avoided arguments, or I (or he) would end the relationship when it became too much effort. I am dedicated to my current boyfriend and making the relationship work, and I don't have a doubt in my mind that he is too. We both take marriage extremely seriously, which is why we haven't rushed into it. I realize that all relationships take work, and part of me thinks that we have shown ourselves (and each other) that we can work through disagreements and problems and that we are committed to making our relationship work. But then when we have these stupid disagreements over and over, I wonder if this is abnormal for a couple not even married yet!? Would appreciate any responses you may have. Thanks!

[Tony T]

Arguments should be little effort if you're used to them.

 

A marriage in which there are no disagreements, no arguments, and all is well all the time is not a growth or learning experience. There are some people that wouldn't call it a marriage. As long as your arguments are civil, fair, filled with healthy communication and followed with compromise and love, you have the ideal situation.

 

Arguing about silly things is a bit silly but perhaps your fiance came from a silly family where they just had to argue about something to liven things up. Talk about this sometime with your guy.

 

I think the confrontations are healthy and, if you keep them to one or two a month and they are mean or vicious, wow...that just sounds so ideal!!!

 

If the arguments become too draining, take extra vitamins or Geritol...but keep them going.

 

You would be amazed at the number of people who are in "wonderful" relationships with spouses who never confront them, never argue, are always passive, and where there is never a raised voice...and then, one day, they announce they are getting a divorce. Often, one party to the marriage is shocked because they thought everything was going so great. These are couples who keep things inside and don't vent or let loose.

 

So argue by the rules. Learn and grow from each encounter. Frankly, I think when the two of you get married it will be a keeper.

 

Of course, everything is subject to discussion.

[Tony T]

In the above post, I mean to say in the fourth paragraph..."and they are NOT mean or vicious, wow, that sounds so ideal."

 

So sorry.

 

Still sounds like a great relationship to me!!!

[James]

Great relationship and I don't mean it sarcastic - but where's the passion?

I appreciate any insight or sharing of your experiences that any of you can provide. I am 28 years old, very much in love with my boyfriend of four years. I have had several long term relationships before my BF, and so has he. I am expecting a marriage proposal any time now, based on numerous discussions we have had. We generally have very similar morals, ethics, goals in life, etc. So...what is the problem? I'm not sure there is one, which is where maybe you all can help. I have never had to work so hard at any relationship before. We are both very strong-minded people, somewhat stubborn, which results in disagreements pretty regularly. I'm not talking daily, but probably once every week to two weeks, we have an argument, generally about something silly. We fight fairly, don't name call or anything like that. And we generally will communicate afterwards (sometimes a few hours following the argument), and discuss how silly it was and we both apologize. It is rare that we argue about anything that I would consider a major issue. However, they continue to occur. When I look back at past relationships I've had, I realize that either my beau was laid-back to the point where he avoided arguments, or I (or he) would end the relationship when it became too much effort. I am dedicated to my current boyfriend and making the relationship work, and I don't have a doubt in my mind that he is too. We both take marriage extremely seriously, which is why we haven't rushed into it. I realize that all relationships take work, and part of me thinks that we have shown ourselves (and each other) that we can work through disagreements and problems and that we are committed to making our relationship work. But then when we have these stupid disagreements over and over, I wonder if this is abnormal for a couple not even married yet!? Would appreciate any responses you may have. Thanks!

[Ajay]

Hello Marcella:

 

This sounds like a healthy relationship to me. The "effort" you describe sounds like the glue so many relationships lack. The discussions you have after-the-fact indicate you both realize you're doing this and need to work it out. I believe if you can do this over the "silly" things, you'll be better able to handle the "serious" stuff.

 

I am currently experiencing this is my relationship of nearly two years (following a 10-year marriage to a Mr. Laid Back, don't go there, ignore it and it will go away kind of guy -- we both know it doesn't work that way). Me and mine are both stubborn and opinionated but also very willing to compromise. We spend a lot of time talking things out after little upsets over "nothing". At first I thought it was hard work, but it's paying off. We're learning a lot about each other, and our relationship just keeps getting better. We both learned from our past relationships that "nice arguments" (oxy moron for sure) happen, and we see them as an opportunity to learn how to work things out (before they get ugly).

 

We too are talking marriage, but not right away, and I think it's great you are not in a big hurry to marry. Learning to work things out together is essential to making it long term. Sounds to me like you're on the right track...

 

I appreciate any insight or sharing of your experiences that any of you can provide. I am 28 years old, very much in love with my boyfriend of four years. I have had several long term relationships before my BF, and so has he. I am expecting a marriage proposal any time now, based on numerous discussions we have had. We generally have very similar morals, ethics, goals in life, etc. So...what is the problem? I'm not sure there is one, which is where maybe you all can help. I have never had to work so hard at any relationship before. We are both very strong-minded people, somewhat stubborn, which results in disagreements pretty regularly. I'm not talking daily, but probably once every week to two weeks, we have an argument, generally about something silly. We fight fairly, don't name call or anything like that. And we generally will communicate afterwards (sometimes a few hours following the argument), and discuss how silly it was and we both apologize. It is rare that we argue about anything that I would consider a major issue. However, they continue to occur. When I look back at past relationships I've had, I realize that either my beau was laid-back to the point where he avoided arguments, or I (or he) would end the relationship when it became too much effort. I am dedicated to my current boyfriend and making the relationship work, and I don't have a doubt in my mind that he is too. We both take marriage extremely seriously, which is why we haven't rushed into it. I realize that all relationships take work, and part of me thinks that we have shown ourselves (and each other) that we can work through disagreements and problems and that we are committed to making our relationship work. But then when we have these stupid disagreements over and over, I wonder if this is abnormal for a couple not even married yet!? Would appreciate any responses you may have. Thanks!

[Marcella]

That's where the "making up" comes in!

 

But seriously, I consider our relationship very passionate, intimacy (sexually, emotionally, etc.) has never been a problem. Thanks so much for your input.

Great relationship and I don't mean it sarcastic - but where's the passion?

[Marcella]

I appreciate your responses immensely. And not JUST because you all told me what I was hoping to hear!! I do feel that our ability to work through things does result in a stronger, more loving relationship, but at times this "bickering" drives me crazy and makes me question our compatibility. But then again, I can't imagine being with anyone else. And Ajay, best of luck with your relationship. Your's too sounds like it's headed in the right direction!

Hello Marcella: This sounds like a healthy relationship to me. The "effort" you describe sounds like the glue so many relationships lack. The discussions you have after-the-fact indicate you both realize you're doing this and need to work it out. I believe if you can do this over the "silly" things, you'll be better able to handle the "serious" stuff. I am currently experiencing this is my relationship of nearly two years (following a 10-year marriage to a Mr. Laid Back, don't go there, ignore it and it will go away kind of guy -- we both know it doesn't work that way). Me and mine are both stubborn and opinionated but also very willing to compromise. We spend a lot of time talking things out after little upsets over "nothing". At first I thought it was hard work, but it's paying off. We're learning a lot about each other, and our relationship just keeps getting better. We both learned from our past relationships that "nice arguments" (oxy moron for sure) happen, and we see them as an opportunity to learn how to work things out (before they get ugly).

 

We too are talking marriage, but not right away, and I think it's great you are not in a big hurry to marry. Learning to work things out together is essential to making it long term. Sounds to me like you're on the right track...