AuroraFaery Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 I was in a very deep relationship with a boy for almost two years. I loved him and i could truley be myself around him. We believed we were soul mates and we were going to get married. I ended up taking him for granted.. we would aurgue alot... and we would forget to appreciate eachother. Sometimes we would aurgue just to make up. But no matter what happened there was a deep understanding between us that we loved eachother no matter what. But like i said.. i took advantage of him, and ended up hurting him deeply. Well we are young.. and i became afraid that there was something better out there, i just was not letting myself be open to. and i hated the fact that i would always hurt him And we ended up breaking up because i feel in love with another man really hard.. And it has been a long time.. and i am still with this guy.. and i love him but i cant stop thinking about my ex, and how i ruined everything. And i have been keeping this a secret from my boyfriend because i am hoping it is just a passing phase and i dont want to hurt him. My current boyfriend loves me very much and i wish that i could just be happy with the way things are. But all day i cry to myself... and i called my ex and told him how i was feeling, but he acted very cold towards me and told me that he liked another girl and he was afraid of being hurt by me. And i told him i didnt want to hurt him, i just truley feel as though i made a Very very big mistake. And at the moment i feel as though i am going insaine because i dont want to hurt anyone and i want to do what is right but my heart is telling me that my ex is right but my mind is telling me that my current boyfriend is right and i feel very torn I just want to be able to get over this if i have to ... or somehow find a way to avoid hurting anyone. please help me. I know i will have to break some "eggs" to make an omlette... but i am just afraid of making a mistake Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted November 16, 2003 Share Posted November 16, 2003 perhaps being single for a while and letting yourself cool down would help? staying with your bf while crying about the ex doesn't sound reasonable... -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author AuroraFaery Posted November 16, 2003 Author Share Posted November 16, 2003 Hmm i wonder how my current boyfriend will react when i explain that "due to the fact that there was no grieving period for me when i broke up with my boyfriend, and my feelings are torn between you.. someone who loves me.. and my ex.. someone who hates to hear my voice.. i have to break up with you. " Sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
DVNPRT6 Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 Honestly...Who cares what u think...U women are all the same..I do not mean to be harsh to you, but you lost the one you TRULY loved...If u knew then what u do now, you'd be better off...Shouldnt have thought there was someone else better out there..why? CUZ THERE WASNT...I just went thru the same crapp...Save it!??! U lost him...Get over it...Stop hurting the world to see what makes YOU feel good abut yourself..Think of someone elses feelings for once other than ur own 4 once...Once again, i do apologize for my harsh words but this one hits home for me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author AuroraFaery Posted November 17, 2003 Author Share Posted November 17, 2003 That was entirely uncalled for Picking on people you don't even know who are hurting just as much or even more... you should be ashamed of yourself. I even read your posts and felt sorry for you... ha i should have known anyway before i cause any more "so called destruction" I need help so i dont hurt anyone... anymore. That is why i asked for help in the first place. Sometimes you dont know what you have until its gone i am very depressed and almost suicidal so harsh comments are not welcome If anyone has actual advice for me it would be much appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
DVNPRT6 Posted November 17, 2003 Share Posted November 17, 2003 U know what!? It was completly uncalled for...Your absolutely right..I deeply apologize for that post~! Listen, I know this might come back to me someday with the X-love of my life, so I ll give u the best advice I can... First of all, dont be suicidal..why would u do that to yourself and the ones u love...You seem like you have a great guy now, it seems like he makes u happy but u dont wanna hurt him...and if u were to get back with your 'soulmate', he will have that lingering thought...Will she hurt me again? If u think about just the HURTING part of it...If u stay with ur current BF...u wont be hurting anyone cuz u are technically not with ur X, right? You really have to think this thru..Weigh the pros and the cons..U cant have them both and u know that..That decision will never go away...It will always be the same question..X or current BF..Do what is right for you, for short term AND long term..do what is in ur heart...Nobody can tell YOU what to do...You have to make that decision yourself, I wish u nothing but the best..Good luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
Author AuroraFaery Posted November 19, 2003 Author Share Posted November 19, 2003 Thank you for your advice dvnprt... So in my heart i believe that i was meant to be with my ex. And i would do anything to take back the hurt ive caused. And he wants me to be his friend.. soo I saw him today, and we just walked around looking at stores.. and i told him that i was willing to do anything to be back with him again, including break up with my current boyfriend, and he said he just wants to be freinds, even if i did break up with my boyfriend. And we were just having a grand time.. sort of.. looking at puzzles and out of nowhere i burst into hysterical tears.. in the store mind you.. and he is like.. im sorry this is so hard for you, and he was holding me.. and that only made me cry more. And i told him that it hurt to be his friend.. that even though he has been my best friend... i just cant take it. but i finaly agreed to be his friend... i hope i can manage.. but even as a laugh around with him it is killing me on the inside.. because i was the one that broke our love in the first place. and i feel as though i am not even giving my current boyfriend a chance, since its hard for me to be emotionaly available to him. I wonder if i just could forget about me ex.. would i be happier with who i am with? He is smart, attractive, showers me with attention, but also very controlling, wants to know what i am doing every hour of the day, and i feel as though i cant be myself when i am around him. I know that our relationship is not making me all that happy, but i just cant bring myself to breakup with him. he tells me things like... you are lost without me, and i am starting to believe it.. he wont let me have friends.. he wont let me leave my house, i live in isolation. to him it is, him and i against the world.. and i dont need anyone else. when i first broke up with my boyfriend, i cut off all ties with him so i could start afresh with my new lover. it was hard because i still loved him.. but i thought it would be for the best. Well... a month later a girlfriend of mine and i got together with her friends and went drinking. a couple of her friends were guys.. but absolutly nothing happened...except that i get sick my friend calls my boyfriend and tells him what happened, that i was sick from drinking, and that i was out with her friends. he tells her, "i never want to speak to her again" and i am then sick and upset..he called me the next day it has been bad ever since. since then he has been so controlling, i feel as though i have lost myself. i want to break up with him but i dont know if i have the courage to do it. i dont know what i should do.. i wish i could handle being friends with my ex i need strength Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 I think you need to live by yourself with no boyfriends for a while and straighten yourself out. He is smart, attractive, showers me with attention, but also very controlling, wants to know what i am doing every hour of the day, and i feel as though i cant be myself when i am around him. I know that our relationship is not making me all that happy, but i just cant bring myself to breakup with him. he tells me things like... you are lost without me, and i am starting to believe it.. he wont let me have friends.. he wont let me leave my house, i live in isolation. to him it is, him and i against the world.. and i dont need anyone else. These are many of the characteristics of an abusive relationship. Look up your local women's shelter and call them to ask for information about getting out of an abusive relationship. Remember, you don't need to be hit to be in an abusive relationship. Being isolated, told 'you are lost without me', etc. are ALL warning signs. You need to leave NOW because this is no relationship to have. I don't know if you feel you MUST have a boyfriend or what. You can't give up your own safety and sanity just to have a man in your life. Leave this jerk now, stay away from your ex, and spend time with your friends for a few months until you clear your head and heart of these relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AuroraFaery Posted November 19, 2003 Author Share Posted November 19, 2003 Thank you so much for your advice i dont think its the fact that i need a man in my life, its just i dont have a support system to fall back on. Like i said.. i dont have friends currently. i did.. but they are all gone because i pushed them away. I know this is a bad excuse, and i should be strong, but it is very hard. I am very young and i have actualy investigated abusive relationships, printed out a list of symptoms, and prestented it to my mother.. to which she replied... oh thats just normal in relationships. I even said, i need help, i cant do this alone. support there is lack of, for sure. my ex is scared for me... he seems to be the only one who is in two days i have plans to go to my boyfriends family for a week for thanksgiving, the flight is paid for and everything. i feel guilty because i dont want to go.. and that i have given no indication i dont want to go, but that is mainly because i am afraid to tell him I am wondering, how can i tactfully break this off without hurting my dignity and self worth in the process. It has definatly suffered enough. I know what love is.. and this i am sure is not love. thank you again for your advice, i really took it to heart. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 its just i dont have a support system to fall back on. Trust me. I KNOW how that is. Go join some women's groups or clubs. There are lots and lots of places where you can make new friends. You can also try to rekindle relationships with some of your old friends. If you tell them you dumped them because of your controlling bf, some might understand and take you back. i have actualy investigated abusive relationships, printed out a list of symptoms, and prestented it to my mother.. to which she replied... oh thats just normal in relationships Oh. My. God. My dear, your mother, who you may well love dearly, is DEAD WRONG. It sounds as though she has been in abusive relationships of her own and in denial about them. Could be why you are in one yourself. Pay zero attention to her. Unfortunately, in this matter she is no source of help to you. I am wondering, how can i tactfully break this off without hurting my dignity and self worth in the process. You've got it backwards! Your dignity and self-worth is ALREADY damaged, no? He has isolated you and tells you you are 'lost' without him!!!!! You will be taking back your dignity and self-respect by leaving a relationship where somebody treats you so badly. You see how he has you brainwashed so you think somehow you will be less without him? This is exactly why you must leave - he has messed with your head and it would only get worse if you stayed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AuroraFaery Posted November 19, 2003 Author Share Posted November 19, 2003 Your right, if i stay any longer with him... it will only get much worse. A part of me is going to hate to do it, but another part of me feels releved. No.. i feel happy to leave him actualy. im going to take those art classes i wanted... and go to the beach without feeling guilty, and indulge my poor under-nourished ego. now if i can just keep this thought up.. my mother is schitzophrenic and was obscenely abused by her last husband, so dont worry, i dont take anything she says seriously or her advice on men for that matter. i feel free already! thank you thank you... i cant believe i let this continue as long as it has. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 19, 2003 Share Posted November 19, 2003 now if i can just keep this thought up.. Well, c'mon back to the Shack whenever you need a boost Link to post Share on other sites
Author AuroraFaery Posted November 19, 2003 Author Share Posted November 19, 2003 Your right, if i stay any longer with him... it will only get much worse. A part of me is going to hate to do it, but another part of me feels releved. No.. i feel happy to leave him actualy. im going to take those art classes i wanted... and go to the beach without feeling guilty, and indulge my poor under-nourished ego. now if i can just keep this thought up.. my mother is schitzophrenic and was obscenely abused by her last husband, so dont worry, i dont take anything she says seriously or her advice on men for that matter. i feel free already! thank you thank you... i cant believe i let this continue as long as it has. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts