I'm new, facing divorce,other man,pain,long thread

[Gemini40onfire]

Hello,

I've been married for 17 years to a sweet, sloppy, intelligent, nutty professor type of guy. We have 2 children; ages 11 & 13. He worked many hours during the early part of our marriage, while I stayed at home doing the usual stay-at-home Mom stuff: cooking, cleaning, bills, etc. It wasn't what I bargained for. I gave up a career, but we agreed it would be best for the kids, although I thought I'd have more of a partner, but when he came home, all he wanted to do was to watch TV, or get on the computer. He had little energy for anything else. He spent time in the house romping with the kids, but when it came to bathing them, taking them out to give me a break, or read a story, he fell short. Our sex life sucked for me.I'm a very active person and could always run circles around him. I love outdoor activities and events which he rarely participates in. He loves extravagance. I love simple living.

 

My fault entirely: when I married him, I wasn't really in love, but loved our friendship. I thought love would grow. It didn't. Also, I wasn't that attracted to him and I have a high sex drive. I've had 2 major affairs which he discovered, but he somehow forgave me. He really loves me. Yet, I was looking for someone who I was more compatible with and attracted to. I craved a fulfilling relationship. I own full responsibility for cheating, and know it was wrong.

 

Yet, I'm currently involved in a new affair. This man says he loves me and will wait as long as it takes for me to get free. I'm crazy about him. He's divorced by the way and happens to be tall, handsome, great in bed, and has a lot in common with me. I asked my husband for a divorce. I don't love him that way anymore, and I don't enjoy spending time doing things with him either. It's time for me to move on and stop abusing him, and find whatever I'm looking for, but he won't let me go. He says he still loves me. I quit having sex with him to let him know I'm serious. I DON'T want to hurt him anymore, and I don't want to 'take him to the bank' either, but I do want our children to be cared for. I can't believe that after the second affair, he's still hanging in. He's a good man, but just not for me. I knew that years ago, but after our first baby was born, it was so easy to focus on loving her.

 

He doesn't know about the new guy, who says he'll wait for me, but I'm not leaving for this guy. I can't plan on a sure thing with him, nor do I want to. I'll need time to myself after this to be on my own. I NEVER WANT TO CHEAT ON ANOTHER MAN AGAIN. It causes to much pain. Multiple lives have been affected. I NEED to start over again. My husband has admitted to neglecting things in the first part of the marriage, but blames me for destroying what we had left with the affairs. I take full responsibility for that. Why won't he let me go?

 

Is there hope for us? I'm no longer sexually attracted to him, nor do I enjoy spending romantic time with him. If I stay, it will be for financial reasons and the kids. That's not right I think. That's just using him. Can one learn to love someone? I've tried for 13 of the past 17 years(affairs occured in the last 4) to no avail, after several attempts at counseling, romantic get aways, etc. I know I'll be happier with someone else, but the kids will suffer, and he will suffer. I'll be happy though...if I stay; I'll be miserable.

 

I'm sure I'll get chastised by many of you for the cheating. I'm prepared for that, but my belief is that not everyone is meant to be together forever.Of course you take vows, but as you grow older, you learn who you really are, and sometimes find that you've mistakenly married the wrong person for you. We only live once IMHO, so do you suffer until you're old? Also, I feel that I've lost respect for my husband-why cheating is bad: once it happens, subsequent encounters become easier.

 

I'm aware of my rights as a stay-at-home Mom. I've been told that he must take care of me and the kids in our home. They love their home, and I don't want them to suffer from the divorce and the loss of their home. I suggested an apartment for me, and I could come home during the day to cook, clean, and make sure their needs are taken care of, as opposed to 'kicking' him out of his home. Most women kick the man out. I know our fincances. We can't afford a nanny, and homes of this size are not selling where we live. If I wait for the market to improve, and then get a divorce, it could take more than a year.

 

Ready to move on with my life...please, please, please advise. We're both in physical pain over the stress of all this because I know he's hurting. I'm afraid of my situation because I don't have a job, even though I've been reassured by an attorney friend that I don't have to worry financially. If I had the money, I'd buy my own house, or buy him out, but I can't. It's ashamed that for most women, we're stuck because of money. I think I've gained 20lbs in the last few months, though I'm sure few will have empathy for me. Thanks for any comments.

[lastout_82]

honostly, if you dont want to hurt him and yourself anymore. Get it over with. If you are not happy with him then move on, yes cheating and affairs are not the best answer. You have became emotionally detached from him. that he will understand in time. maby a week, month, 10 years. its going to hurt worse if you drag and drag it out.

Have you told him you want a seperation or divorce? He will say and do anything to keep you, he loves you thats a fact. He and you will learn in time to let go.

You say you want to be on your own? Away from the other guy?

[Gemini40onfire]

I want to be free. I'm crazy about the my new guy, but we both need time. I'm no fool. I know I'm damaged goods, and probably shouldn't delve into another serious relationship even though that's what he wants.

 

A couple of friends say that I should move forward with the divorce, and that he'll never be ready, but I don't want to anger him on top of all the other pain.

[Chrome Barracuda]

WTF, have you even thought about your kids and how they will be affected by this. Your setting yourself up for a whole lot of pain, what gives you the right to make these decisions, why are you having all these affairs.

 

...SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!

 

Why dont you try fixing that first instead of jumping into the sack with someone else. You cant solve your problems that way. And you know that!

[lastout_82]

Have you tried councling, maby even a seperation to check your options. Councling would be the first thing. then go from there.

 

i mean if there is no option for you to work it out with him, then move on.

[Gemini40onfire]

We've had counseling. It hasn't worked.

 

Chrome...the right? I haven't thought of it that way. I think anyone has the right to live their life happily and not be miserable with a person that he or she doesn't love. I'm already in pain, over causing him pain. I know the children will be hurt, but we're good parents, and if we work together, they can get through this.

 

I selfishly had the affairs in search of fulfillment which was wrong to do. I think he and I deserve a chance to start over with someone more suitable.

[Chrome Barracuda]

We've had counseling. It hasn't worked.

 

Chrome...the right? I haven't thought of it that way. I think anyone has the right to live their life happily and not be miserable with a person that he or she doesn't love. I'm already in pain, over causing him pain. I know the children will be hurt, but we're good parents, and if we work together, they can get through this.

 

I selfishly had the affairs in search of fulfillment which was wrong to do. I think he and I deserve a chance to start over with someone more suitable.

 

And therin lies the damn problem! Your still HAVING a affair! a 3rd one! good lord do you not stop and see the damage your causing! Happiness does not mean hurting others for your own gratification!

 

Your always gonna be in pain over others because your always gonna have one foot out the damn door. What I want for you is to realize is that. You need good independant counciling! not him! YOU need it! not your kids, YOU!

 

3 affairs? WTf are you looking for!? The marriage is in a rut because that's what you perceive it to be! the minute your husband does start to move away from you, you will become jealous or even worse! why are you throwing your marriage and family away?

 

Your mindset is out of whack lady.

 

Also I'm not saying this stuff to be mean lady but you need to take a good hard look at yourself. Your the one who's doing wrong. How could one person make you miserable? He's not beating you, hurting you, CHEATING on you. Your the cause not him. You want out because you want to run the streets. You need to stop with all the independant behavior. If you cant , nothing is stopping you from filing for divorce. and have the kids 50/50. He doesnt deserve the type of woman you are. And if that's who your going to be for the rest of your life. He is probably better off without you. Also ask yourself, what kind of woman would do this to herself? Is that who you want to be?

[Gemini40onfire]

Chrome,

I respectfully disagree. If you read my story, you'd understand that my husband and I are incompatible, I don't love him, and I want a divorce. I'm not throwing my family away. I want to work with him to raise the children. So a person should stay in a relationship for the kids? Is that what you're saying? I think that's asking for a miserable life. We've been through lots of counseling. The counselors are telling him, it's time to move on. I want him to be happy with someone else. Believe me. I won't be upset, or pining for him. Kids benefit from parents who love each other and are happy together, not staying together to put up a front of happiness.

 

BTW-the affairs took place over a 4 year period. The longest being 8 months. Trust me the men are fine. I'm not getting off on hurting anyone. They were quite happy in the relationship. We broke up mutually. You must have been really hurt yourself. Please don't take it out on me.

 

I'd really appreciate someone else's objective opinion.

[boogieboy]

Gemini, your husband cant let go if you dont let go. Meaning you have to get out of the house like now. Hes going to be devastated, so are the kids, no matter what you do, and you will have to deal with the guilt (if any), so just get it over with. If you cant afford to move out because you dont have a job, then you have to sit there with your husband and deal with him. Can you get a job?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Until you stop having these affairs...

 

You will always believe the marriage is loveless. you will always believe the marriage is miserable. You will always have one foot out the door.

 

If you want a divorce to be with the OM, there's the door. no one is stopping you. You have enough heart to cheat, you might as well go through with the whole thing. Dont give me that crap like your miserable. You dont think your husband is too? You think he likes having a ho for a wife??? I mean seriously sooner or later once his love bank depletes and he becomes resentful he might just want to divorce you anyways.

 

The affair is clouding your judgement trying to reason with you, is like a sober man trying to reason with a crack-head. it cant be done, your in the throes of an addiction.

 

The divorce isnt gonna be easy, and it isnt gonna be amicable, there will be no friendship, there wont be any easy family outings once it's all said and done. Your husband is gonna come to a line and he's gonna snap.

 

your marriage is salvagable. He isnt beating you or abusing you, you just want out for your own selfish needs and wants. The kids dont need a mother who doesnt put their family first. What your doing is a stab in the heart of the family that you and your husband created. You want to run the streets so bad. No matter the sacrifise or hurt.

 

Your still gonna do it, so what do my words matter? File for divorce and let your husband heal he'll realize one day that, this woman has a screw loose. 3 affairs and still doesnt know how to fix herself.

[Gemini40onfire]

I can get a job, but it won't pay enough to sustain me. I can't walk out because the kids need me. His work hours wouldn't allow him to be here to take care of them. Most likely I'd have them with me. I'd never leave my children for any reason. Also, I'm in school.

 

Boy, women who cheat get all the lovely terms. Ho. What's a man who cheats? A horny guy? A bad boy? Cute. He gets a slap on the wrists. Anyway, I've never been a ho. Just someone who made some mistakes in life. I don't want to run the streets. I want one man, and I think I've found him.

[Nomad1]

Gemini - Expect that there will be a lot of hurt, pain, hardship, anger all around for many years to come.

 

Do the decent thing and tell him about your current affair. Hey, he already knows about the previous 3, how worse can a fourth one make him feel?

 

I am really interested in how people like you construct reality. How can you possibly conceive of any happiness with anyone after single handedly destroying your children? Is there a chemical basis for this? Does the brain become so fogged out that people lose grip of reality?

 

You are right though. This marriage must come to an end.

 

Prepare for many years of pain all around you.

 

Best of luck

 

Nomad1

[cyabye]

And the sad part is because of your selfishness, your husband will probably have to support your "new" lifestyle as you cannot afford it yourself which is truly sad.

 

I agree you don't love your husband. You have NO clue what love is. You clearly put yourself above everything else. Your husband forgave the first 2 affairs and you are still cheating on him. You have no respect for your husband and yourself. You stayed with him for financial reasons only.

 

If I was your husband, I would file for divorce, ask for full custody and force you to leave w/o paying a cent of alimony. Hopefully, you live in an at fault state so he can divorce you based on adultery which would be fair. He should not have to pay for you. He deserves the truth. He won't "let go" because he probably still loves you and took is vows seriously.

 

Nevermind what a man is called when they do the things you are doing. They get the same reaction from Chrome, myself and others in this forum too. Male or female does not matter. It's about character.

 

So you love this third man? Guess you didn't love the first 2? Unbelievable.

Tell your husband and set him free. Be a "real" woman for once and fess up, get a job, move out ,and support yourself w/o him doing it. Child support is something else. Have the third man take care of you for now on.

 

Yes, I've been hurt and had done to me exactly what you are doing to your husband and family. The kids suffer tremendously and the ex is more miserable now than ever especially since OM didn't want her in the end. But hey, it was true love. LOL.

 

Best of luck to you husband and children.

 

cyabye

[SansSouci]

You have had some - understandably - harsh posts to your thread.....

Whilst I believe there is never an excuse for being unfaithful, your instance is a little different as your husband knows and has forgiven you.

He must love you very much indeed.

Most people become irrate when one partner is cheating and the other has no idea - if your husband has chosen to forgive and stay with you, and you can forgive yourself for your behaviour - then this is both of your concerns.

It may not be everyone elses idea of 'ok' - and it certainly isnt mine.

 

Now, does he know about the 3rd affair? If not, do you think he would forgive again - and if so - when does this end? You cheat - he forgives - and so on - but the damage you are doing is dreadful. It may be invisible right now - but it is there.

You are doing untold damage to your husband, your children and lastly, yourself.

 

I think BoogieBoy has hit the nail on the head when he says 'your husband cant let go if you dont.'

So true - he is hanging on - and most likely dreadfully unhappy.

He sounds like a very decent man - albeit far too passive - he probably is like an ostrich with his head in the sand.

He loves you and his children - but this equation is no longer working.

 

You instigated all of this by marrying someone whom you wre not certain about - then had affairs to rectify your restlessness - and also had children amongst all this confusion.

 

Show him a last act of kindness - and separate with a view to divorce. He will never do this because he is a forgiver and this will never ever end.

Hope that he meets someone in time, who will love & respect him & that he gets some peace.

 

Be good parents.

[Mz. Pixie]

I can get a job, but it won't pay enough to sustain me. I can't walk out because the kids need me. His work hours wouldn't allow him to be here to take care of them. Most likely I'd have them with me. I'd never leave my children for any reason. Also, I'm in school.

 

Boy, women who cheat get all the lovely terms. Ho. What's a man who cheats? A horny guy? A bad boy? Cute. He gets a slap on the wrists. Anyway, I've never been a ho. Just someone who made some mistakes in life. I don't want to run the streets. I want one man, and I think I've found him.

 

Okay, you asked for it. Someone is here who has been through what you're going through and has come out on the other side.

 

I know you think this guy is special, yada yada- been there done that. The real truth is that you should have divorced him before you had an affair. Period. You can try to justify it all you want to with whoever you want but I know exactly what you're going through and I have been there. I was still wrong to have an affair.

 

What really makes me mad about your situation is that you want to play and have your husband pay. If you want to go out and get your jollies and screw up your life why should he have to pay for it??

 

If you want a divorce- fine get one- but have enough self respect for yourself to get out and support yourself. If you can't afford a divorce- guess what? You don't get one. But you don't stay in a loveless marriage either- you kick OM to the curb and work on your marriage. Because you don't have a choice if you can't afford to support yourself.

 

Why should he pay you alimony and stuff while you're out screwing another man? IMO the person who cheats should walk away with nothing. The laws should be changed to fix that. And this is coming from someone who cheated!

 

And you may think you know what your rights are but times are changing in the court system sweetie. Lots of men are getting primary custody and their ex's are having to pay them child support.

 

Just so you know I didn't take a penny for myself from my ex. Why should he have to pay me money when I am the one who wanted the divorce? I could have gotten half his retirement and equity in the house- but I didn't choose to. Too much self respect. I can get out and support myself and I don't need him for that.

 

And you think you're not hurting your children? That shows how far in the fog you are to think that. Have you read any statistics on children of divorce? Perhaps you should.

 

You can recover your marriage and be in love with each other again. If you haven't already google marriage builders and check out the site. Dr. Harley has a proven method for recovering marriages from infidelity.

 

Most people here are equal opportunity bashers of cheaters regardless of whether they are male or female. You need to quit using your defensiveness over your choices to cloud your judgment of what's right and wrong.

 

If I had it to do all over again- I'd just leave first and be able to look myself in the mirror more often.

[skywriter]

What's to improve and rebuild on? The marriage was based on deception off the bat. She has made it clear in her post that she wasn't in love when she married him, possibly, felt she might be eventually.

 

I have to respectfully disagree that childrens lives are ruined over divorce. This is all based on individual experiences , I believe. I say this as a child who was raised by a single parent. Also, as a single mother of two.

 

Just my opinion, but, wouldn't it be better to live in a home, with one happy, healthy minded, parent than with two, unhappy, physically and emotionally distant parents?

[boogieboy]

How can one fall in love again with someone who they find so repulsive to save a marriage? How is that done?

[2sure]

Your marriage is over.

You are a serial cheater. Face that first and foremost.

Your marriage was not able to whether the normal ebbs and flows of a long term relationship because you are a serial cheater.

 

You cannot stay for the children, or use them as the motivation to repair your marriage because the cheating isnt going to stop. They will become aware of it. They will also recognize the distance in their parents relationship, the compartments. That behavior, that comfort level with true dysfunction - is what they will take into their own future relationships.

 

Serial cheating as you describe is not an "affair" that a marriage can get past and learn from. It isnt an incident, a problem the partners can solve together. Serial cheating is a behavior. Its all you. Its not a problem of the marriage so much as it is just your problem. Your husband cannot help you fix it. While you figure it all out, you need to stop telling yourself it has anything to do with your marriage or husband. Your Husband should have given you severe consequences when he previously caught you cheating. That would have helped.

 

Divorce him. His acceptance of your behavior doesnt say he loves you ...it says more than anything...that he just doesnt care enough to do anything.

[2sure]

....I suggested an apartment for me, and I could come home during the day to cook, clean, and make sure their needs are taken care of, as opposed to 'kicking' him out of his home. Most women kick the man out. I know our fincances. We can't afford a nanny, ...

 

You are saying that if a nanny could be afforded...he and the children would be taken care of and you could have your own apartment.

That would be ideal no doubt, but call it like it is: You want to be free of all of it, and you want it to seem you did it all in the name of what is best for them.

[seibert253]

This isn't rocket science. You don't love your husband, you never have, simple; let him go.

 

He deserves a wife that will love him for him. You don't, never have, and never will.

 

I'll also admit it, you deserve to be happy, your not, so do something about it.

[lkjh]

You are seriously messed up and you will cheat on whoever you end up with. You spouse is not the reason you cheat, you are. Some people just don't have what it takes to be in a real lifelong relationship. All you talk about are your needs.

 

You need help

[giotto]

I sympathise with you, but why did you have children with this man if you didn't love him? And certainly the affairs are not great, are they? Having said that, I am in an unhappy marriage myself and I understand how you feel. Can't leave because of the children too. But I won't cheat. I would divorce first. You need to tell your husband about your affair and set him free (I know, it sounds like a Sting song... ).

[Mz. Pixie]

People in affairs always say they never loved the other person, etc. It's called rewriting history and most cheaters do this.

 

She loved him or she wouldn't have stayed this long and had kids with him.

 

She's just saying all the other stuff to justify her affair.

 

It's proven that you can fall back in love with someone after an affair. The key is meeting each others emotional needs.

[SRV]

You HUSBAND IS NOT the source of your unhappiness. Deductive reasoning would tell you that if he was, you would have stopped at affair number one. Guess you did not find happiness there either! SO I guess its your husband's fault too!

 

You then proceed to affair number two. The answer is as clear as night and day, because you would have stopped there, you then go ahead to affair number three. Common denominator, YOU.

 

Be unselfish for once and let your husband go without wasting anymore of his time to find happiness, elsewhere, with a woman who will truly appreciate what he has to offer.

 

Go luck find happiness on your part

[TrustInYourself]

Wow, you guys drove her off. Cheaters don't like to be told the truth.