I'm new, facing divorce,other man,pain,long thread

[2sure]

I know. People in affairs come here because they have no other outlet to talk about the affair. They long for conversation about the affair, create drama both real and imagined about the affair, and bring it here so that they can make it a tangible thing. Which is fine . Except we arent in affair fog ...so its not what they came for after all.

[Gemini40onfire]

If you read my original post carefully, I don't think I ever suggested that any of this was my husband's fault, nor did I try to say that it wasn't my problem to begin with. We were incompatible, and had problems. I invested into this marriage as well as he did, and didn't cheat on him for the bulk of my marriage. Call it self preservation, selfishness, or whatever, but I will not end up in the street because our marriage didn't work. I must take care of the children because of the hours he works. If I end up in the street, so will they. I merely mentioned the nanny, because if he asked for full custody, that would be the only way for him to take care of them.

 

I'm happy I had my children and would never run out on them. Do you think that every woman who has laid down with a man and had babies was in love? Come on people get serious. I was married, the right age, and it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I love them deeply, and do not regret having them. They're the best thing that has come out of this relationship.

 

None of you know me, yet you are highly judgemental, which is ok. I guess it makes you feel better about yourselves to attack me. The first two affairs were sexual. We had bad sex for the first part of our marriage. Not a justification, just a fact. I cared for the first two men, yes, but did not love them. Some people can have physical relationships without love. Surprise, surprise!

 

I'm not running to the man I'm seeing. I love him, but don't know if we'll last or not. We haven't promised each other anything. I can't promise him anything. I know I'm flawed, yet some of you want me to ignore what I know about myself, and what my husband knows and stay in a marriage that will make us both miserable. I stated that I simply want freedom for awhile. No one asked my about my childhood, not that I would tell it now, in this place, because you're so excited to be on your high horses and judge. But I had some issues, that have been, and are being addressed in therapy. I WANT to set my husband free. He makes plenty of money, trust me he'll be fine. I don't want to 'break his bank', but need enough to live on and take care of the the children,his children, our children, as I rebuild my career. The job of a stay at home mom is still not appreciated in this society. I won't need his support forever, just until I get on my feet. He has huge earning potential and will be able to buy an even bigger house than we have for himself than we have now. I'm not the type of woman to go to a high powered attorney and strip him of everything.

 

I'm capable of a monogamous loving relationship. I came here for the first time seeking advice on how to get out of a mess without hurting my husband any furthur. I thank those who gave me honest advice without name calling and disrespect.

 

No, he doesn't know about my current affair, and he won't know.

 

I'll sit down with him again, and convince him that it's over. Maybe I can get a mediator, which I know nothing about, but I hear they're better than a typical attorney.

[Gemini40onfire]

Skywriter & Boogieboy:

 

No one wants to address those issues. Thanks for your comments.

 

Thanks everyone...whether we agree, or disagree.

[mark982]

why when you first cheated.didn't you just divorce your h? i just don't get it was just a sexual thing. maybe i missed it but i haven't read anywhere that you told your hubby that the sex sucked. myself,i think the only reason you're still there is the almighty dollar. if you want your freedom(which is your choice) then go. let your h pay his child support,but damn the alimony,after all,all you want is freedom,well freedom ain't free.and your comment about kicking your hubby out of the house,lady you want out then YOU'RE the one that gotta go.

[lkjh]

People in affairs always say they never loved the other person, etc. It's called rewriting history and most cheaters do this.

 

She loved him or she wouldn't have stayed this long and had kids with him.

 

She's just saying all the other stuff to justify her affair.

 

It's proven that you can fall back in love with someone after an affair. The key is meeting each others emotional needs.

 

 

That is 100% true.

[lkjh]

If you read my original post carefully, I don't think I ever suggested that any of this was my husband's fault, nor did I try to say that it wasn't my problem to begin with. We were incompatible, and had problems. I invested into this marriage as well as he did, and didn't cheat on him for the bulk of my marriage. Call it self preservation, selfishness, or whatever, but I will not end up in the street because our marriage didn't work. I must take care of the children because of the hours he works. If I end up in the street, so will they. I merely mentioned the nanny, because if he asked for full custody, that would be the only way for him to take care of them.

 

I'm happy I had my children and would never run out on them. Do you think that every woman who has laid down with a man and had babies was in love? Come on people get serious. I was married, the right age, and it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I love them deeply, and do not regret having them. They're the best thing that has come out of this relationship.

 

None of you know me, yet you are highly judgemental, which is ok. I guess it makes you feel better about yourselves to attack me. The first two affairs were sexual. We had bad sex for the first part of our marriage. Not a justification, just a fact. I cared for the first two men, yes, but did not love them. Some people can have physical relationships without love. Surprise, surprise!

 

I'm not running to the man I'm seeing. I love him, but don't know if we'll last or not. We haven't promised each other anything. I can't promise him anything. I know I'm flawed, yet some of you want me to ignore what I know about myself, and what my husband knows and stay in a marriage that will make us both miserable. I stated that I simply want freedom for awhile. No one asked my about my childhood, not that I would tell it now, in this place, because you're so excited to be on your high horses and judge. But I had some issues, that have been, and are being addressed in therapy. I WANT to set my husband free. He makes plenty of money, trust me he'll be fine. I don't want to 'break his bank', but need enough to live on and take care of the the children,his children, our children, as I rebuild my career. The job of a stay at home mom is still not appreciated in this society. I won't need his support forever, just until I get on my feet. He has huge earning potential and will be able to buy an even bigger house than we have for himself than we have now. I'm not the type of woman to go to a high powered attorney and strip him of everything.

 

I'm capable of a monogamous loving relationship. I came here for the first time seeking advice on how to get out of a mess without hurting my husband any furthur. I thank those who gave me honest advice without name calling and disrespect.

 

No, he doesn't know about my current affair, and he won't know.

 

I'll sit down with him again, and convince him that it's over. Maybe I can get a mediator, which I know nothing about, but I hear they're better than a typical attorney.

 

Your first bold point: If you re-read your post you filled it with your H's "flaws". The only reason someone does this is if they want take some guilt away from themselves.

 

Your second bold point: non of us want you to stay married to him. Tell him the truth about cheating and falling in love with someone else. You have let him financially support you for years and now you are done with him.

 

Your third bold point: Your behavior begs the differ. Relationships are work, not just me me me.

[Gunny376]

I think you should both get into counseling and work toward short, mid, and long term goals and solutions toward dissolving the marriage with keeping the best interest of the children first and foremost.

 

The goal of counseling shouldn't be in saving the marriage ~ because there's no saving this marriage.

 

The goal of counseling should be in dissolving the marriage.

 

Your not in love with the DH, you never have been, and never will be. Its just that plain and simple.

 

To stay with him? Would be placing needless him through needless hurt and misery! To stay with him, would put the children through more of the same and would be teaching them the wrong lessons and setting the wrong examples.

 

To do so? Would be wasting precious time for both of you.

 

You need to go to counseling so that you can come up an agreeable co-parenting plan. So that you can come away from the marriage ~ and still at least be friendly ~ if not friends.

 

And if not that? At least not hate one another.

 

I would suggest for you? That in addition to co-counseling that you get IC.

 

Why? Because we've all got some misconstrued ideas about marriage, romance, relationships?

 

Until you've dealt with those issues, you may find yourself in the 'old folks home' finding yourself talking about your first, second, third, fourth husbands.

 

My biggest concern with your story is that your ready to 'bound' out of one relationship into another.

 

When what you need to do is learn how to be single and alone ~ and comfortable in your own skin.

 

You need to find out why you needed to step outside of your marriage.

 

In short?

 

You need to find out more about you!

 

Your not ready to leave the DH for another ~ because you've not discovered enough about you ~ and 'self validation'

 

Your still seeking self validation from others ~when you should be seeking it from yourself.

 

LisaUK doesn't know it ~ but that's exactally what she's doing ~ becoming self validating!

 

As are lupa, togaz, and so many others here at LS!

 

 

That's why the 180's are so empowering!

 

They can be hard to understand, comprehend?

 

But if you work them and get to the otherside of them?

 

konasexoneThe old 180

 

Last week I gave a convincing performance.

 

I cried, pleaded, said sorry, took insults.

 

Then I joined a gym, started volunteer work at the hospital, did some major gardening, found a new business partner and new venture, started bear hunting season and figured out that although I was a good husband, she didn't deserve me.

 

I left upbeat messages on my answering machine and I'm making myself unavailable to her calls.

 

Strange thing is that its helping me more than anything else. I'm actually feeling great! She on the other hand is not sounding so chipper. Sucks being her, but I told her this would happen.

 

I can take a nap when I want to, a drink anytime, I can go to the pub and talk to strange women and not feel guilty, I can flirt with women in the drugstore. This ain't so bad, just so different after being with that nagging little ..... for 26 years.

 

I almost want to thank her. Who knew? There actually is a silver lining on that dark cloud.

[skywriter]

Hi Gemini,

 

I hope that all is well with you today. If I have come across as judgemental, I apologise. It is human to an extent, however, not something that I aspire to be, is judgemental. My goodness, I've got my own skeletons....

 

As a matter of fact, I have to commend you for being brave enough to step onto the stage and "air" your most private secrets, faults, problems. Regardless of it being on the internet, it still tends to feel like a gaping wound, eh?

 

I haven't been able to do this. So, you just know that you are as human as the rest of us and you deserve as much respect as anyone else here.

 

Take care, "G".

[whichwayisup]

I know I'm damaged goods, and probably shouldn't delve into another serious relationship even though that's what he wants.

 

Your first priority should be your kids and helping them adjust through separation/divorce.

You and your H still have to co-parent together and get along, even though from two different residences. And be alone, on your own..Last thing you need is to go through a rollercoaster ride of emotions, dealing with divorcing, your kids coping with this, a new life beginning, new house etc, is to have another man involved in it.

 

The marriage is over, there's nothing to salvage and since you don't love him the way a wife should love her husband.

[Mz. Pixie]

None of you know me, yet you are highly judgemental, which is ok.

 

Nah, we don't know you but we've seen plenty like you.

You actually came to this forum for advice it seems- which is what we do here. You didn't really want advice I guess- just people to tell you what you wanted to hear- and we're not really good with that when it comes to stuff like that.

 

I'm not running to the man I'm seeing.

Yes, we understand- cheaters never say this.

 

No one asked my about my childhood, not that I would tell it now, in this place, because you're so excited to be on your high horses and judge. But I had some issues, that have been, and are being addressed in therapy.

 

A bad childhood is not an excuse. I've been through the ringer myself with every type of abuse that one could suffer. Still have to feel personal responsibility about your actions.

 

We're not judging you- we're giving you the advice you asked for.

[Gunny376]

"But by the Grace Of God there go I"

 

"Worse than some ~ better than most!"

 

We've all got problems ~ and on any given day? We can all find people with problems worse than ours!

 

A co-worker just found out she's got breast cancer.

 

Inoperable!

 

She's got months to live.

 

Me?

 

I don 't have any problems!

 

 

My wife leaving and divorcing me is the least of my worries!

 

Forget it!

 

I'm alive!

[Chrome Barracuda]

The only reason she doesnt want to leave or file for divorce is because she wants her husband to pay her to F another man. She says she can promise a monogamous relationship???

 

ROFLMFAO!!! F-ing A!

 

Really can she even spell the word? This is OM number 3!!!! number 3! and she says she can be faithful.

 

Good lord delusion at it's best people, prime example we have here. She doesnt want people's opinions she wants how to get out of her marriage unscathed with the kids at her beck and call. and her husband's alimony in her pocket.

 

Why dont she let OM#3 support her. I mean he is her boyfriend right??? It is a monogamous relationship right?

[Mz. Pixie]

Exactly- which is why I told her to get out and support herself. It's not fair for her to play while he pays.

[whichwayisup]

It's not fair for her to play while he pays.

 

And yet even if a D does happen, he'll STILL have to pay out alimony. So, he is screwed either way. Poor guy.

[FoolMeAgain]

Hello,

...., I'm currently involved in a new affair. This man says he loves me and will wait as long as it takes for me to get free. I'm crazy about him. He's divorced by the way and happens to be tall, handsome, great in bed, and has a lot in common with me. I asked my husband for a divorce. I don't love him that way anymore, and I don't enjoy spending time doing things with him either. It's time for me to move on and stop abusing him, and find whatever I'm looking for, but he won't let me go. He says he still loves me. I quit having sex with him to let him know I'm serious. I DON'T want to hurt him anymore, and I don't want to 'take him to the bank' either, but I do want our children to be cared for. I can't believe that after the second affair, he's still hanging in. He's a good man, but just not for me. I knew that years ago, but after our first baby was born, it was so easy to focus on loving her.

 

He doesn't know about the new guy, who says he'll wait for me, but I'm not leaving for this guy. I can't plan on a sure thing with him, nor do I want to. I'll need time to myself after this to be on my own. I NEVER WANT TO CHEAT ON ANOTHER MAN AGAIN. It causes to much pain. Multiple lives have been affected. I NEED to start over again. My husband has admitted to neglecting things in the first part of the marriage, but blames me for destroying what we had left with the affairs. I take full responsibility for that. Why won't he let me go?

 

 

---.

 

Here's my advice... Re-read your entire post. Out loud. You may be lucky enough to see what we see.

 

Can anyone else see a 'ChildOwner'?

.