McKenzie Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I need help, and I am not a kid! I'm a 56 year old female with a successful career, a home, and two grown sons.... But my heart has been completely broken! I met the love of my life in 1995 and we miraculously got together in 2006. I was separated from my spouse of 30 years and he was in a sexless marriage and claimed they were separating. You know the story. He said what he had to say to get what he wanted and I was stupid enough to believe him. I gave myself totally to him and felt true passion for the first time in my life. I divorced my ex and waited happily for him to leave her so we could be together. Stupid, stupid, stupid! He will never leave her and has said hurtful things to me like "You would be with any man who gave you attention" and "You wanted it more than I did" and the most hurtful of all "you liked it more than I did.". Now I am alone with no hope and I can't sleep. I hate myself and feel no joy any more. I am devastated. I will never let a man touch me again. How can I go on? Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Did you apologize to your ex for destroying your family for a man who treated you like scum? Yor 56 yrs old. alone and heartbroken. but you need to internalize that you caused this. You put yourself into this situation. No one put a gun to your head, this was a choice you made. And as you look back on the stupidity of it all, you snap out of it, feel guilty, horrified that you was that type of woman. He sold you a dream and you fell for it. Asking for forgiveness for your actions is a good start... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I need help, and I am not a kid! I'm a 56 year old female with a successful career, a home, and two grown sons.... But my heart has been completely broken! I met the love of my life in 1995 and we miraculously got together in 2006. I was separated from my spouse of 30 years and he was in a sexless marriage and claimed they were separating. You know the story. He said what he had to say to get what he wanted and I was stupid enough to believe him. I gave myself totally to him and felt true passion for the first time in my life. I divorced my ex and waited happily for him to leave her so we could be together. Stupid, stupid, stupid! He will never leave her and has said hurtful things to me like "You would be with any man who gave you attention" and "You wanted it more than I did" and the most hurtful of all "you liked it more than I did.". Now I am alone with no hope and I can't sleep. I hate myself and feel no joy any more. I am devastated. I will never let a man touch me again. How can I go on? CB: she said they were already separated.. so she didn't cheat on her H.. Now.. I'm 57 and I have to say that I'm surprised.. for a woman your age to fall so hard for a married man.. Not much you can do now.. except heal.. take care of yourself... it will take some time.. but it will get better.. Never say never.. just go out there and enjoy yourself.. your time to 'play' now.. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 56 yrs old. met OM in 95 Got together with him in 2006 Was married for 30 yrs. So is the OM the cause for the seperation or not, if he wasnt then the only thing she was guilty of was being and beliving a married man. I need more information... What part of MARRIED did she not understand. And you know what's the sad part is that age brings wisdom supposedly. If she trusted her instincts instead of her emotions maybe she wouldnt be heartbroken. Sorry if I misdiagnosed the problem without carefully understanding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McKenzie Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 I didn't separate from spouse for this guy, but I did divorce spouse in order to be free to be with him when he left her. She spent only a couple of nights a week at home with him. She worked miles away and spent most of her time at a female colleague's house, so their marriage appeared to me to be dead or dying, which made it easier for me to believe him when he said he would leave her so we could be together. Link to post Share on other sites
soheartbroken Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Hi McKenzie, First of all, I'm very sorry for all your pain. I know how bad it feels. We all know how bad it feels, which is the reason behind the negative posts you will be getting. So many of us have suffered heartbreak, and many due to a spouse/partner leaving to be with someone else. So some will have no sympathy for you. If the reason for the separation was not solely this other man though, then I guess you can't beat yourself up about it. Divorce was going to happen. What you have to do now is survive your own heartbreak. Just get through the first 30 days, and you will be much further along than you are now. It will still hurt, but you will feel better. I know surviving is easier said than done. Sometimes you just have to breathe...I know how painful that is. Get all the support you can. Talk to a counselor. Get some good books. Cry, mope, do whatever. Just get through the first month or so, and you will see improvement. You will find passion again. Just maybe not with this guy. And I know how hard that is to fathom right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Hi McKenzie. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I wouldn't say that you were "stupid"...more likely just filled with hope and dreams of being happy. The hurtful things that he's said to you. My best guess is that it was his own guilt and self-hatred that he vomited onto you -- you were the "easy target" and now he didn't/doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions. There are ways...somehow we do find ways to carry on. Take care of practical matters, fulfill your responsibilities and obligations...it helps to keep a kind of 'normal' routine. If you need to, consider your sons and all the other people in your life who love and need you. Sending hugs and healing. PS: Do your best to ignore posts from angry, self-loathing LS members. They're living in their own nightmare and, like your ex-lover, are also just projecting their self-loathing onto any target they can find. In any case, you don't owe anybody any explanations for your choices and actions. Link to post Share on other sites
tinke Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 May sound harsh, but this is what many of us would call sweet karma. I say this because what their marriage was or was not, was between the two of them. In doing this, another woman was hurt, most likely innocently so. Yes, I know it took the two of you, but you saw a way in and ran with it, leaving his wife forced to be a part and a part of the loss. I cannot understand how a woman can do this to another woman. No matter what he claimed, the fact is, you did not wait for him to leave her (if in fact he ever planned to). It is a bit difficult to comfort when your actions along with his, caused same grief to his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 It doesn't take Einstein to work this one out: 56 - 30 (time married) - 14 (Met the 'ONE' in 1995) = 16! Did you get married at 16?! Now unless my maths are a bit dodgy or there was a significant time overlap, it took Karma 14 years to catch up! I am not being cruel here, but in order to heal, you must go back to when it all started and start processing. Gosh, you have 14 years to process! Often, in pursuit of elusive happiness, some people create so much unhappiness for themselves and others. Good luck Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author McKenzie Posted August 22, 2009 Author Share Posted August 22, 2009 I guess what I said about 1995 was confusing. I met the guy in 1995 and admired him from afar for years. Was married from age 24 to age 54. Did not touch this guy till 2006. His wife is no sweet innocent thing. She neglected him for years and has cheated on him, not that two wrongs make a right. So please redo the math and explain to me what you mean by processing regarding karma catching up with me. I have tried to be a good person all my life. Good people sometimes make mistakes. The main thing I am guilty of is wanting to love and be loved. Link to post Share on other sites
Violetta Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Don't think that age matters, I'm not a kid either and the broken heart I had at fifty felt like it was going to kill me! What helped me was poring over the posts on this site especially the ones prompting no contact with the tormentor. If you can't sleep get on the site for a few hours, it helped me! Cut him loose and go out of your way not to see any reminders of him. I now just laugh to myself if I think of him and am grateful that I learned so much about mood disorders from the relationship. ( he is bipolar). I also learned that I, and many women are way to ready to overlook warning signs and make excuses for bad behaviour when there is passionate sex in the offing. It is just not worth it! Once the passion wanes, one is just left with a jerk with a high sex drive. Also, pets help and volunteering with any charity that you respect. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
moo Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 I think that you've gotten some harsh responses. Your heart can break at any age. And at any age, we can be duped. I am sorry. He said he was separating and you were separated. I don't think things like karma, age or stupidity come into play. I'm sorry that you are in pain. I'm very sorry. I'm sorry that you feel alone. You believed him. You put your faith in another person. You trusted him and he wrecked you. It is a good idea not to get into a relationship with someone who is separating, separated or just got divorced. Things should be final and final for a while before you get involved. Of course, you can meet someone and fall for them and think that it's okay because you believe in him. The volunteering thing is a good idea. A pet really can help too. I wish I had one. You also may want to seek therapy. I hope you feel better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
tinke Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 He claimed they were seperating, but she was still living in the house a few days a week. You stated that YOU believed their marriage was dying. So, perhaps you added more into the equation. There may have been a significant reason for her being away the other days, who knows, but again, it was between them. So, you believed him, you fell for him, can happen at any age. All you wanted was to love and be loved, got it...but, what about her? She is the victim. Another opportunity to learn, if you truly believed he would leave her, why not wait until he did? Not saying he is an angel by any means, but my point is, I can see you are in pain and it is never pleasant...but, pain was caused also to another woman and she is looking at you as well as him! Their attachment to each other may have been more powerful than what was explained to you, obviously, if he is still with her. Well, so we keep learning, chalk it up as experience. But, I would agree, don't give him the satisfaction of hearing from you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author McKenzie Posted August 23, 2009 Author Share Posted August 23, 2009 I want to thank those of you who have written to me. Even the negative posts have been helpful in their own ways. I feel marginally better. Nights may forever be difficult. Being alone for the rest of my life will be my punishment for having faith in a handsome man who had my whole heart. Would I do it again? No! So please learn from my experience. If he is not divorced, keep him at arm's length until he is free to be with you. He evidently lost respect for me when I didn't say no. How I wish I had said no. But more than that, I wish he had loved me the way I loved him. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 McK, I'm a few years older than you.. have been through something just as devistating. I'm to lazy to look, but this may be the 8 year anniversary of my divorce. Truth is, things will get better. Will they get "perfect"? I don't know, there is a chance. Nights don't have to be lonely either. In fact they probably won't be. We humans are adaptable. I've adapted. I'm not lonely anymore because at first I refused to be, for years not, I just haven't been. Pain is not something that our minds allow us to feel forever. It takes a trigger to make us feel bad. I'll give you the advice I've been getting for a while now. Stay active, put a smile on your face, and interact with people. The worst that can happen is that you will have a few good times. Give it a try. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts