Trialbyfire Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 And I think he needs to deal with this on his own. leap, this is the best solution. Until he resolves his issues internally, he's no good to anyone in a relationship. Everyone has their own reality or perception of reality. With this in mind, his fears can be triggered at the wrong times and create a negative reality that doesn't exist. It's a form of self-protection and if you're being honest, commitment phobia. It is what it is, so he has to learn to reroute that kind of negative thought process within himself. Otherwise he's going to keep hurting this girl, any girl for that matter, every time he freaks out for no good reason. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 So, I'm assuming he's still not over his past in that sense - he's insecure, awkward, and emotionally drained. He said something along the lines of "I can't believe she (new girl) thinks I'm amazing. I haven't been amazing in a very long time... for years. Everything I did was wrong. Everything I said was wrong. And now all of a sudden, everything is amazing?! I haven't changed one bit and now everything is amazing. I don't really get it. I mean, it's a nice compliment. But... yeah can't wrap my head around it." One woman's trash is another woman's treasure...just because his ex thought he was crap and treated him like crap and made him believe he is crap doesn't mean another woman won't see his amazing qualities. He doesn't have to change anything for that to be the case. He just needs to stop believing that his ex was the end-all and be-all of assessing his value. His self-esteem issues may take longer than a couple of months to deal with. Has he considered seeing a therapist to help him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author leap83 Posted August 20, 2009 Author Share Posted August 20, 2009 Thanks Trial. Everything you say is 100% accurate. Dealing with his issues now is better than later on in a relationship. I believe it is a good thing he took a step back while it's still early than realized all of this when they were like 1 yr together. Better to deal with it now, than later. Norajane: Nope. He hasn't considered that and I don't believe he would do it because he's a very private person. I barely got him to talk about this with all of us. He didn't want anyone to know... because he considers himself a failure... Even though I really don't know why - he's an amazing guy. It's a fact. Not wishful thinking. It will probably taking him longer than a couple of months. But I believe he can still be in touch with this girl (they agreed on this and she said she'll help him through this - very supportive) after a month or so and start off slowly... see where it ends up. It's hard to slow down once you've moved fast, but I think this is a step in the right direction. I'm just assuming all of this, when I really don't know what is going through his mind. I just know what happened, what he said, what she said, what the rest heard... It's mumbo jumbo. Only the 2 of them know what happened and how it happened. *shrugs* Link to post Share on other sites
CLC2008 Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 My best friend from college met someone who went thru the same exact thing! The guy she met was a few months out of a relationship. I think it was his first love too & I know she was weary of that given the circumstances. A guy's first love is the toughest to get over. Those types of situations are hard and I think there’s a reason for it but no one knows what those reasons are. My friend had a very hard time with it, she backed off after he told her he didn’t foresee a future with her and they did not work out. A lot of people on here gave some really good advice, good luck to your friends! Link to post Share on other sites
Author leap83 Posted August 21, 2009 Author Share Posted August 21, 2009 My best friend from college met someone who went thru the same exact thing! The guy she met was a few months out of a relationship. I think it was his first love too & I know she was weary of that given the circumstances. A guy's first love is the toughest to get over. Those types of situations are hard and I think there’s a reason for it but no one knows what those reasons are. My friend had a very hard time with it, she backed off after he told her he didn’t foresee a future with her and they did not work out. A lot of people on here gave some really good advice, good luck to your friends! Thanks for that. I'm glad that he's not the only one going through this. In fact, it is his first love he's trying to get over. And it is very tough to do that (I know because I've been there - it took me well over a year to get over him). But he broke up with her, he walked away, he was the one who made a conscious choice that he has had enough of it. I'm sorry about your friend. The guy sounds like he used her and like she was a rebound. I despise people who do that - I find it very selfish to start a relationship you're not ready for. And yes, I'm implying that my friend is selfish to an extent too. The good thing in the whole story is the fact that he sees a future with this girl. He said she has all of the qualities he wanted in someone and he's not ready to give that up. That's why he wanted them to stay friends so desperately (basically she said she wouldn't be able to stay friends with him because of the circumstances - her feelings, but he kept being persistent and she started to wonder why is that... so she ended up asking him why does he insist on it when he wants a break now? He basically told her - without fully opening - that he sees potential in her/them and that he's very depressed that their relationship can't move on now but that he hopes it would be able to in the future if she's still single and gives him a second chance). Not many guys are as honest as he is. And he never lies so for him too, this is very hard. He knows he screwed up something good. He is aware that he might be viewed as a jerk. But he's 100% committed to seeing her again. If he wasn't interested, that would be a whole different story. That's why this situation is so complex and it breaks my heart to see it happening to him. Btw, nice dp. Good movie, even better book. Rachel is amazing in it! Link to post Share on other sites
CLC2008 Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 Btw, nice dp. Good movie, even better book. Rachel is amazing in it! Yeah I like her too! Link to post Share on other sites
MissLH Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Hey Leap83, Do you have any update on your friend's situation? I am currently in a similar-ish situation and would be helpful to know how things are going . Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author leap83 Posted August 25, 2009 Author Share Posted August 25, 2009 Hey MissLH, Well, he's been NC for the past couple of days with this girl. That was the deal between them - in order for him to get rid of his past, he needs to work on getting rid of it so they decided to go NC for a little bit. He's been going out with his friends and re-connecting with people so far. I really don't know what will come out of this. The good thing is that he hasn't gone back to his ex and he's not planning to. I was scared of that. What is your situation like? I would love to hear it if you don't mind sharing. I'm kind of stuck in a very similar situation too but the guy I was seeing and me went NC 2.5 weeks ago. So when my friend did the same thing, I posted this topic because it was pretty obvious that some men out there have greater issues and go on a break for valid reasons - don't play you or lead you on. Usually a break would mean the end of it all. However, that's not the case here. Link to post Share on other sites
Atehequa Posted August 29, 2009 Share Posted August 29, 2009 I was just discussing this with a bunch of male and female friends and I wonder what the LS community thinks of this. Obviously perspective on the subject differs a lot whether you're a male or a female. The scenario: A guy who has previously been in LTR meets a new girl. He goes out with her and suddenly he starts to feel intense emotions. He hasn't felt this for a while and/or never (app. a year; other girls he previously dated didn't invoke anything remotely close to these feelings). He realizes that when he's with her he "can't control himself." This bugs him. Instead of pursuing the relationship further, he decides to back off (the feelings he has for the girl are the same ones she has for him) by stating to her that their relationship "freaks him out." He goes home. Sits and complains to his buddies. So, why on earth does this happen?! If your feelings are reciprocated, why do you run away from them? Is it the fact that it seems unbelievable to fall for someone so quickly so you just assume it's not going to work? Or what is the deal? I'm going to share my friends' (both male and female) opinions when I hear your opinions on this. Looking at it all in another way, which I must, my first notion is to ask - Why question Mother Nature's primal courtship bliss that is deeply engrained within us all ? Why do men do it ? We don't know. We just do. A mystery that remains un-fathomed. Instinct I suppose. Don't fight it. Go with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts