Trial and error: open relationship woes

[abeautifulmind]

So I'm having some trouble putting some issues my girlfriend and I have had behind me. Here's the rundown, sorry if it's a bit long:

 

My girlfriend and I met freshman year of college, while she was still dating her high school boyfriend. She wasn't really planning on staying with him though, so we hooked up and she broke up with him shortly thereafter. I wasn't really interested in anything more than random hookups at the time though so we didn't date and she moved on to a different guy who she dated for about year.

 

We were friends until beginning of junior year, when we hooked up again while she was on the end of another failing relationship, but this time we started dating for real. It was amazing for 6 months, and I think we both fell for each other harder then either of us had for anybody before. Unfortunately, she was due to go abroad and then I was going to be away for the summer, so we had to figure out what to do while we were apart for 6 months. I didn't want to deal with the distance, and frankly was scared of commitment, so I wanted to break it off entirely until we saw each other again. She, on the other hand, wanted to stay together, because she said she couldn't just "turn it off." So we settled on an open relationship.

 

While she was away we didn't talk very often because I was very busy, and she was always frustrated by it. We told each other we loved one another, but I often joked about how I wanted her to sleep with other guys and didn't want to "ruin her abroad experience," and she unduly gave me permission to do whatever I wanted, as long as I didn't fall in love. One of her abroad friends (who, ironically, is also in an open relationship) tried to kiss her once and she refused him--and when she told me about it I asked her "why did you turn him down?" Her response was always the same, that she didn't WANT to hook up with other guys, and that it hurt her when I asked her to.

 

Two months into her being abroad, she was out with the guy who tried to kiss her and they got really wasted together. After the night was over he asked her to come over to watch a movie, which she accepted because she said she thought they were just friends and trusted him. In any case, once she was there things must have changed because she ended up having sex with him that night. She called me the next morning and told me everything, and was in tears and completely miserable about it. She's never had a one night stand before (only slept with a few guys, all boyfriends) and this kind of behavior is really not the type of girl that she is.

 

She was completely open and honest about it, and didn't try to pin the blame on the guy. She said her drunk thoughts that night were "gee, maybe this open relationship thing isn't so bad after all." She admitted that she should have known better, and was extremely sorry for doing it. Anyway, I freaked out and dumped her on the spot. I was really just shocked that it happened, because she always said she didn't want to be with anyone else. Afterwards she was genuinely surprised that I was so upset about the whole affair, and even was temporarily mad at me for not telling her how I would have truly reacted (then again, she never seriously asked).

 

After a month of hashing it out and realizing that I may have acted a bit unfairly, we got back together (CLOSED relationship now, heh) and have been doing OK for the past two months. However, I still worry that things may not ever be the same. When I thought open relationship, I figured she might kiss a few guys and maybe a little more, but I never guessed she would have sex with someone else. I think her own actions caught her by surprise too. She has been extremely supportive and has tried to assuage all my fears in the past months, but I still worry about whether or not things will be the same again.

 

What do you guys think? I realize that the mistake was initially mine to try and enter an open relationship, but how can I help put this behind me? I also keep worrying that this could mean she might cheat on me in the future, is this a realistic fear?

[freestyle]

Hi ABM:

 

Let me see if I have this straight-You wanted to break it off when she went abroad,because you weren`t ready to commit, and instead settled on an open relationship........

 

You even joked about"wanting her to sleep with other guys".............

 

Please take a moment to consider the message you were sending when you said that to her.Did you make it clear that you were only joking?In my experience,a joke of that nature usually carries subtext, and she may have interpreted that as a green light. She also may have interpreted that as a sign that you weren`t all that into her........(you wanted to break it off, remember?)

 

sidenote: I can`t presume to speak for all women, but most women in love that I know would be crushed to hear a suggestion like that from the man they`re in love with............

 

Please ask yourself this difficult question: Were you really considering her best interests, or your own?

 

So, she did it, and now you`re upset.......................and you`re wondering if she might cheat on you in the future.................

 

Have you forgotten that the only reason you know about this is because

she volunteered the information? She called you, filled with regret, and remorse. She was open, and honest, (your own words), and you`re condemning her for doing something that you recommended.......

 

I hope I`m not coming across as attacking you here, it`s not my intention. More like a wake-up call- You`ve got a women who`s crazy about you, who has already proven that she will be open and honest with you about everything......................

 

a lot of souls are never so lucky.

 

One more thing: You didn`t mention whether or not you were with anyone else during your open relationship.Just curious.

[abeautifulmind]

freestyle,

 

Thank you for your thoughtful and well-written post. I was indeed very selfish in my original thoughts to break things off, and I understand that I made a huge mistake in not committing to her completely. She's an amazing girl and the fact that she was so honest to me really meant a lot.

 

To answer your question, I was never with anyone during the time when our relationship was open. The one girl who probably could have convinced me to, my most recent ex, wanted to hook up once and I refused. Then again, I wasn't drunk at the time, and that certainly might have changed things.

 

I guess I'm just worried that she did what she did knowing that it was wrong--she's very anti one-night-stand, so for her to break her own rules on that makes me afraid that she'd also cheat given the right circumstances. I want to be able to put away that fear so that I can love her completely again, but I'm not sure exactly how to...

[Treasa]

You were in an open relationship, you often made jokes about wanting her to sleep with other guys, prodded her asking why she didn't kiss guys, and now you're upset?

 

Sorry, it doesn't work that way. I hope you learned your lesson. Be careful what you wish for, even if in jest.

 

In my opinion, she did nothing wrong, and she still feels bad about it. Cut her some slack, and consider what effect your words will have from now on.

[Chrome Barracuda]

freestyle,

 

Thank you for your thoughtful and well-written post. I was indeed very selfish in my original thoughts to break things off, and I understand that I made a huge mistake in not committing to her completely. She's an amazing girl and the fact that she was so honest to me really meant a lot.

 

To answer your question, I was never with anyone during the time when our relationship was open. The one girl who probably could have convinced me to, my most recent ex, wanted to hook up once and I refused. Then again, I wasn't drunk at the time, and that certainly might have changed things.

 

I guess I'm just worried that she did what she did knowing that it was wrong--she's very anti one-night-stand, so for her to break her own rules on that makes me afraid that she'd also cheat given the right circumstances. I want to be able to put away that fear so that I can love her completely again, but I'm not sure exactly how to...

 

...What did you think open relationship meant? that she'd go and have a beer with a guy, a platonic friendship? Open means alot of things whether emotionally invested with someone else or strictly sexual F-ing, if you went into this, tell me you wouldnt be so naive as to believe that she wouldnt have sex with someone else when you did on your part.

 

I'm sorry this happened but you should have seen it coming. It was only a matter of time and opportunity.

[freestyle]

Hi again:

 

Based on what I read in your first post,yes, she did do something that went against her own beliefs, but technically, it wasn`t cheating, as you were in an open relationship when it happened.Unless, of course that boundary had been clearly established and agreed upon beforehand.

 

I am impressed by the fact that she owned up, immediately........and like you said, didn`t try to pin the blame on the other guy. She owned up-and

she owned it. Held herself accountable. She was so filled with regret, that she called you the very next morning!!!!That demonstrates a very high regard for you.

 

My guess is , that she will never want to feel those emotions again, the regret, and the remorse. She has demonstrated that she has a fully functional conscience.........so, IMHO, I think you needn`t worry excessively.

 

Ironically, your story struck an old nerve with me. A bf in my college days

wanted to have an open relationship.He was very pushy about it, even labeled me as being dogmatic and prudish because I disagreed. He even went so far as to recommend one of his friends, to "ease me in to the idea"........

 

I got the line,"having sex with other people can enrich our sex life,we might each learn new techniques........" (yada,yada,etc.)

 

 

 

I still balked at the notion, and he kept pushing.Kept recommending his friend.

So, having the suggestion planted in me, I started to speculate about his friend.

The inevitable occured, and wouldn`t ya know it........suddenly it wasn`t

"cool" with my bf anymore. My bf pulled a double standard on me, which angered me to no end.......... (yegods, the hypocrisy!!!)

 

............and drove me straight into the arms of his friend, who I had a three year relationship with.

 

Go figure.Looking back, I`m a little disgusted with myself for tolerating the

treatment I got, but I remind myself that I was only 18, and had not yet developed a strong sense of identity, so I`m not gonna beat myself up over it.It was a good lesson to learn early in life................open relationships are not for me.

 

the moral of my story?.........careful what you wish for.......................

 

I wish you all the best......it sounds to me like you have a keeper.