What to make of this?

[bux]

I got this email today from my ex who I left. My head is spinning so I hoped you guys might tell me what you think of it. x

 

I remember when we first started seeing each other you saying ‘I just want someone to look after me’. That was great news for me as that is something I can do and something I enjoy doing. I enjoyed cooking, cleaning, taking care of the general day to day things and even nursing your hangovers. You probably never realised just how much pleasure I got out of doing silly things like bringing you squash in the mornings, or breakfast in bed at the weekends

[During the times when you were ill, I was there to nurse you, buy medicine and bring you nice things. Whenever you needed me, for whatever reason, I would do everything to support and comfort you. I tried to give you all you wanted because I felt that was the very least you deserved

 

I wanted you to have a happy and secure life away from work. I appreciated just how demanding your job was and I wanted to alleviate whatever pressure I could from the normal day to day stuff. For me that was to ensure that you had a nice dinner waiting, a clean and tidy home and anything else you needed to hand. I felt it was important that you should be able to come back from work to just relax and unwind

 

During the past 6 months I can recall so many moments where we shared something special. It may not have been the weekends away or nights out we should have been doing but it doesn’t make them any less valid. We had fun, despite the stress, doing up the house. I think we were a great team and pulled it off well.

 

Before you went to away you sat with me and spontaneously told me that you were going to miss me loads and that was always the hardest part of going away. There was also the time when we went out for lunch with your parents and we sat in the back of the car and you reached over and held my hand. A little moment but it meant the world to me and this was by no means the only time, you were often incredibly affectionate towards me, hugging and kissing me right up to the moment we parted. It’s often the small details that get forgotten about but these are just a couple of so many that I will cherish

[

My aim was always for you to have a relationship that was built around commitment and unconditional love, so that you would feel comforted to have someone who would stand by you no matter what and who would support you in your times of need. I understood your wants and insecurities and hoped that I was the person that you would always feel confident you could fall back on. I hoped that was the security you’d been looking for, for a long time

I was never going to let you down and was proud of you every single day. I hope that I was a positive and constant aspect in your life. We made each other laugh, did silly things. I’m so proud that we weren’t an argumentative couple, that we would spend our time just enjoying ourselves, feeling comfortable and being relaxed. I knew I was meeting my own expectations when you told me how much you loved our life together; in fact it was something you said you wouldn’t ever give up for the world. I would have strived to make you/us happy every single day as you genuinely deserve that kind of support and strength in your life.

 

I should have told you this more but you truly are an amazing guy, who is incredibly good looking and so very loving and caring - Whether you believe that or not. You probably never realised just how much I loved, respected and admired you and how so very proud I was that I had you in my life. I would have stuck by you through anything and travelled anywhere to be with you. I would have regarded myself as the happiest and luckiest guy in the world to have had the opportunity to spend many, many more years with you.

 

I hope that you will eventually remember these things in the same way I do. We really were so fortunate to have had such a strong relationship for so very long.

 

x

[EarthGirl]

sounds like someone who truly truly loves you. that's all really, but what more do you need?

[soheartbroken]

Reading that makes me very sad. What are you thinking of doing? It sounds like a closure letter...do you want to be back together?

[bux]

I guess I just don't know what to make of it and what to do. Everything said is true. Is this the type of person who I should give up?

 

How would you feel if like me you recieved this from an ex who you broke up with?

[SCooke]

If you say that all these things she said are true, you won't find many people like that. This is not the type of person I'd give up on, personally. Please think this through before you decide what to do. You don't want to regret things later.

[soheartbroken]

If everything is true, then why did you break things off? Do you still love this person? If you go back, will things inevitably revert to whatever the problem was to begin with?

 

Also be prepared that they may have moved on, and that this letter is just for closure. I don't know how long it has been since you split...

[EarthGirl]

well like I said it is pretty clear how this person feels about you. So the only question left really is how you feel about her (him?) I wasn't clear on the genders of each concerned, sorry. I will give you the only advice I can think of. Do NOT go back to this person because you want him/her to take care of you because it's obvious how much they care and want to do just that.

 

If you do not feel the same way, then the only way you can take care of him/her in the same way she/he has of you, is to save her/him the heartache of you leaving again when you realize that it is not enough for you. We all want to be taken care of, but eventually if there is nothing else there for one of the parties, it will not be enough anymore.

 

However if you originally left for another reason besides that your feelings for the other person were lacking. If you did/do feel as strongly for her/him as she/he does for you and If you left out of fear of commitment, fear of love, fear of rejection, or whatever reason...that is really the only reason I can think that you should go back to this person.

 

If you cannot put yourself in the place of being the writer of the letter that was written to you...if you not only want to take care of this person,but also are attracted to them and just crazy about them as they clearly are of you...Then please please please do not go back. You may think that you are doing them a favor by going back becasue they want you and will be happy to have you, but when they realize you do not feel the same, and they will, their world will come crashing down...Whereas of now, this person seems to be sad, but coping quite well in saying farewell to you and may actually have a bright future.

 

However if you really do feel the same, then by all means, go for it. What the hell right. I'm sure if she/he can be sure that you feel the same, then even if it ultimately doesn't work out, they will be able to move on and won't regret it.

 

Basically if you love this person as much as they love you, then this obviously is something no one in their right mind would let pass them by, no matter how jaded. But if you don't, then you are just doing a disservice to both of you if you go back.

 

bottom line: have a heart man, either way.

[bux]

I think you're right. It helps thought to get other people's thoughts, i know at the end of the day this is my decision to make but i have to, for both our sakes, make sure i/we do the right thing.

 

I guess I would be stupid to walk away from someone who genuinely cares that much but are those things there enough to build a relationship on? Or am i just doing the normal thing and over analyzing something?

[bux]

Earthgirl - thank you for taking the time to write that.

 

I do care, a lot and I made some mistakes. I don't know how i feel anymore. I think i've done everything I can to stop these feelings and felt the relationship was never going to work but how can i ever know that for sure?

 

They are the sweetest of all people but I left because I felt a little smothered - they were around too much and stopped living their own life away from us. I think that point has been appreciated now though.

 

We built a whole life together and it's only been the past few months that i've felt like leaving. I guess I'm prone to freaking out.

 

This letter shows me just what a very, very special person I had in my life. Someone who really would be there for me through anything and who just wanted to make my life comfortable, secure and easier. How many people are there like that?

[bux]

If everything is true, then why did you break things off? Do you still love this person? If you go back, will things inevitably revert to whatever the problem was to begin with?

 

Also be prepared that they may have moved on, and that this letter is just for closure. I don't know how long it has been since you split...

 

 

I think I stopped seeing it and focused on the negatives - which was really only how they didn't do their own thing enough. Perhaps I made too much out of something that could easily be fixed. That's really the only reason.

 

We split just 4 weeks ago.

[jb1173]

That's just a beautiful letter. It brought a tear to my eye. Relationships take work, even the most "perfect" ones. This one sounds like it is very much worth the effort. Good luck!

[bux]

It really is a lovely letter. I don't know why I threw that away.

[bluewolf17]

It's a very nice letter..a little needy-maybe co-dependant..but very sweet. I would love to get a letter like this.

 

It's up to you. If you weren't happy, then you might not be. Just don't do anything rash, and don't string her along.

[boogieboy]

Bux, Why did you break it off...what smothered you?

[bux]

Bux, Why did you break it off...what smothered you?

 

I wanted them to have their own life - go out with friends, socialise etc. It got to the stage where i was going to work, coming home, spending weekends and they were always there, not doing anything. It wasn't like i didn't enjoy the company or love them but there was no escape, no time to miss them or to appreciate what I had. It's not healthy for someone to just go to work and come home and it was a concern for them.

 

We all need our own space at times and I just never got that and the more you notice you are never alone, the more it becomes an issue.

[bux]

It's quite strange the difference in reactions to this between here and another site I posted on. They have all been negative about it - saying it's all one sided, smothering and unhealthy to have someone who's only happiness is to make you happy.

 

It seems you guys have understood why it's one sided - because its aimed at me to appreciated what was done for me and what I had. There would be no point in telling me what I did etc.

 

Sorry, just was amazed at how contrasting the two sites were.

[boogieboy]

Maybe I missed something ....You keep saying they, you wanted who to have their own life?

[bux]

My ex. I wanted my ex to see friends and have nights out. Instead of just being sat at home each night and weekend.

[bux]

Such a hard day. I keep reading that letter and wondering why I let them go. Nobody is perfect but I left for such silly reasons when you can see just how much we had going for us. It was a two way street.

 

I don't know.

[mimiminx]

interesting what you said about needing the space, it becomes more of an issue when you have less time alone. My guy (that broke it off with me after over 2 years and planning on getting married), complained of the same thing. He said the reason why he was leaving was because I wouldn't respect his space. He left me, but has initiated communication after 2 weeks of NC. When he talks to me it is clear that he has strong feelings for me, still says he loves me alot, cares about me. He drove to another state out of desperation for "space", right now it's been 3 weeks and he's initiated the contact. I see a slight similarity in this situation because the letter you received is very much like the letter I am writing him. I feel fear of commitment was the issue in my case, just guessing. Here's the question: if your feelings are the same and strong for the person you dumped, why would you want to be apart? I'd like to know from your point of view

[jb1173]

I wanted them to have their own life - go out with friends, socialise etc. It got to the stage where i was going to work, coming home, spending weekends and they were always there, not doing anything. It wasn't like i didn't enjoy the company or love them but there was no escape, no time to miss them or to appreciate what I had. It's not healthy for someone to just go to work and come home and it was a concern for them.

 

We all need our own space at times and I just never got that and the more you notice you are never alone, the more it becomes an issue.

 

That is really clingy, and especially difficult for a partner who values their independence. Obviously, there needs to be time spent together on shared interests and activities, but if both people don't take the time to pursue separate interests, then what the heck do the two talk about when they come back together?

 

I once had a man who needed to be with me at all times. It wasn't like that for the first couple of years, but the last six years or so I had no space. Don't get me wrong...I absolutely loved doing couple things together and spending time with him, but his need to cling to me 24/7 became extreme. I couldn't even read a book in peace. He would become moody and manipulative if I wanted to have separate girls and guys nights out. I lost close friendships because of it. If he didn't know the exact time when I would be home from work it would throw him into a tizzy. A stop off at the store or an unscheduled workout would be a recipe for an argument when I got home.

 

It got to the point where I welcomed the crazy busy schedule of taking a second a job and going to school at night, because it kept me away from home. He was unknowingly pushing me away from him with his controlling behaviors. Eventually, he sought an extracurricular relationship and cheated, because home to me simply became a place to sleep and shower.

 

Co-dependent people will drain you. Yes, making your partner happy should be a priority. That is what love does. But it needs to be in someone equal doses. There is a healthy way to be inter-dependent with your partner. When the emotional dependence becomes so lop-sided the relationship is doomed to fail.

[seoa]

It's quite strange the difference in reactions to this between here and another site I posted on. They have all been negative about it - saying it's all one sided, smothering and unhealthy to have someone who's only happiness is to make you happy.

 

i suspect that's coz in this particular forum, you're mostly hearing from the dumpee, so the advice you're getting is biased towards what we hope would be being said to our exes if they posted on here ("go back to him, you fool")

 

from the letter, i'd say you're both male, but you seem to have a problem clarifying that, awkwardly using "they" and "my ex" rather than the more natural "he"... i find that interesting...