Ladies, I need your advice.

[amerikajin]

I just met this very charming Chinese lady for coffee yesterday. To me it was just a casual coffee get together, but I really got a good vibe from this woman last night. She was the last thing I thought about when I went to bed, and the first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning.

 

Here's the deal: I'm quite sure she's older than I am, and I have a feeling that she's at least five years older - and maybe even as much as ten years. She made some allusion to the fact that she had been studying and working here in Japan for about 10 years after graduation, which would make her at least 32 (fine by me). No, I did NOT ask her how old she is! Truth is, I really don't care too much if someone is a little older than I am. I would, however, be concerned if she were ten or more years older. She looks beautiful, but I sometimes can't tell with Asian women...they can look much younger than they really are.

 

1. Am I wrong for worrying so much about her age?

 

2. How do I broach the subject in way that won't upset her? (advice from women especially appreciated, or from people who are familiar with Chinese or Asian culture).

[Goatsbreath]

You need a guys perspective here

 

WHO CARES SHES ORIENTAL

[moimeme]

Why don't you just ask her out? Your age is likely fairly obvious to her. If she figures you're too young, she can decline.

[Goatsbreath]

OK, Yes, Im still a guy but I just wanted to add this to what moimeme said because shes right.........You need to ask her out. I mean really- its to late for you, you already fell for her. That means your only other option would be to do nothing and just wonder of what could of been......ok, so you know what to do. Go get yourself one of those asian women , make us proud.

[midori]

When I lived in Japan I was constantly asked by my students (high school kids), the teachers I worked with, neighbors, social acquaintances -- in short, everyone -- how old I was. No one batted an eye at such questions from others. I later worked in NY for a Japanese company and was always asked by work associates and clients how old I was. I'm now in grad school in the States (several years after leaving Japan), and I find that some of my peers who hail from Asian countries are likely to inquire about my age.

 

One reason that Asians inquire after one's age when it's not obvious is because it cues them as to what level of honorific they should use when addressing you. Even though that's not something they'll actually be doing in English. It orients them in the relationship. E.g., familiarly, whether I am Midori-chan or oneesan to someone in Japan will depend on whether I'm a little younger or a little older than them. You know the drill Amerikajin.

 

So: ask her out. Ask her how old she is. You could do it more subtly by asking when she graduated from high school or college, that would give you a ballpark figure at least. But really ... does age matter so much?

 

Gambatte!

[Iamhappy]

Goatsbreath:

 

WHO CARES SHES ORIENTAL

 

I think a lot of Asian people would find this offensive.

 

Also

 

Go get yourself one of those asian women , make us proud.

 

I'm sorry, but what in the hey is this supposed to mean?

 

As a woman I think it highly offensive to objectify women as some sort of prize or trophy to be placed on some guy's mantel.

 

It is wrong and disrespectful to view women this way, much in the same way that it would be wrong for me to view men as pieces of meat and walking sperm donors.

 

A little sensitivity please.

[Arabess]

I haven't dated anyone less than 5 years younger than myself in YEARS! As a matter of fact, some have been 10 years younger. Age has absolutely NOTHING to do with it. She is probably more worried about it than you are because she may feel it will make a difference to you. You don't have to ask her age.....just tell her you guys are the SAME age....she just has more shipping and handling than you do. It's all good!!!

 

Good Luck Amer.....make sure to fill us in as to what happens.

[monkey00]

MUAUAHAHHA here's the best advice a chinese dude can give you !!!

no worries im practically americanized but parents came from mainland china

 

totally awesome you found a a needle in the haystack of japan...i totally dig a girl who can speak jap

 

anyway you wanna know what i did with my female friend when she's avoided the subject of her real age?? whenever i asked how old she is, she would just say a little older....

since she's avoided answering the question i thought of a scheme to finding out myself!!

(turns out she was only 1 yr older tahn me)

 

here's the truth:

girls HATE to talk about their age!! it makes them feel old whenever they talk about it!!

 

here's what i did with my friend (she's chinese so this worked out!)

JUST ASK her the year of what animal she was born in, then go online and find the years pertaining to which animal...there are 12 animals in the chinese zodiac...dont worry you shouldnt be too far off...the cycle reverts back to the 1st animal every 12 years...

 

this can also work w/future chinese women encounters if you wish to know their age!!

 

I suggest you find out what animal year you are first before asking her her's

[moimeme]

Iamnot

 

You do realize that ladies of Asian extract are a very desirable type of lady to a lot of fellows? Really, it's no worse than being crazy about blondes or whatever. A lot of people go for certain 'types'; it's just this 'type' happens to also include an ethnic component.

[monkey00]

i think the main reason why many men in todays world dig asians being in my view point of growing up in nyc and being americanized is -

 

asian women have an exotic look to them (as most men like to repeat)

c'mon they go into their 30's and 40's look at how young they look (some do some dont)(some secret age-defying potion? how knows)

typical stereotype that they can cook, clean, take care of the house/children, perfect housewife in other words...that's not really true

 

i guess..thats pretty much it...there's really nothing else to add that i can think of right now

[Goatsbreath]

What I said wasn't meant to be a cut toward Asian women at all. It was meant to be enthusiasm because I find them to be very appealing. Im not saying they are pieces of meat at all......I dont even know how you extracted that from what I said.

[Iamhappy]

I could have sworn I posted a reply to Merry about this...

 

Anyway, I will admit to being a little sensitive about the "Oriental" statement since I am Asian(mixed). However, it's not so much the Asian thing that bothers me as this:

 

Go get yourself one of those asian women , make us proud.

 

I still think that this sounds like you're referring to women as objects or trophies or status symbols.

 

I will concede that a lot of Asian women go out of their way to date non-Asian men because it's considered a step up to marry outside the race - specifically Caucasian men. I find that whole "step up" idea just as distasteful and offensive - another trophy/status symbol issue - another issue I'm vocal about as well.

 

Going off tangent: Love and Marriage should be about love - period. I find any union based on "look at me, look at what I have on my arm" leaving me with a bad taste in my mouth.

 

Incidentally, I did not say you referred to women as pieces of meat. I said that it would be wrong for me to view men as pieces of meat.

 

Let me clarify my position on this matter: I object to people (men or women) being viewed as objects, trophies or status symbols.

 

Stepping off soapbox.

[Arabess]

Ahhhhh Goatsbreath.....You CAD you! HAHAHAHA!

 

I'm not the liberal type.....so let me say....I still find a man whistling and checking me out as being a COMPLIMENT! I work on a shipyard at a Naval Station....and it's the high point of each and every day! Some men prefer caucasian, some perfer black women, some prefer oriental women, some just prefer any woman available. I don't think "categorizing" suggests men think women are pieces of meat. I think they are just stating their preference.

 

Just a thought: As women....we do the same thing, but yet there is no social stigma on it. ANY woman can tell ANY man he has a great butt....and he's a happy camper. Men NEVER take it as sexual harassment. I wonder why so many women do????

[Iamhappy]

Oops!! It turns out I pm'd Merry instead of posting to the thread.

 

Goatsbreath, I know it sounds like I'm picking you - I am not really. What you said struck a chord in me and I wanted to explain why I was so put off by your remark.

 

Merry suggested that perhaps I'm confusing your adulation for objectification - maybe so.

 

My apologies if I came off a bit too harsh - I really should have explained my position better.

 

Additional apologies to amerikajin for having hijacked your thread.

 

Back on-topic.

[amerikajin]

Thanks to all who've posted their opinions. I'm particularly indebted to Midori Chan and Monkey Chan for their insights. In the meantime, I set up another little "coffee date" for Thursday. I'll be sure to keep you guys posted.

[Goatsbreath]

Hmm, oh well, I have been known to say stuff that offends people even though I never had intent. I think I am not very offended my most things and so that is why. I realize some people like to joke or serve things with a light humor and hence I am easy going about it. Theres alot of things in the world that are wrong but I seek out as few as I can.

[cindy0039]

Originally posted by Goatsbreath

......ok, so you know what to do. Go get yourself one of those asian women, make us proud.

You're disgusting. I'm not Asian and it's not that. It's the tone of the post. It sounds very sexist and rude.

[DonTomaso]

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. - Dr. Seuss"

 

Cindy... your quote contradicts what you say... just a thought.

[Goatsbreath]

Yeah Cindy , besides, I would never encourage anyone to go find someone like you so you don't have to worry

[amerikajin]

Well, here's an update.

 

I did find out her age. She's 41; I'm 29. I told her that it didn't matter to me that she was older, in the sense that age by itself isn't an issue. I told her that she's attractive to me, and after that, things began to take off between us. We've been dating for the last two weeks now (about twice a week, or a total of five times including our first encounter). This has been the best relationship I've had in the more than two years (since I broke up with my ex fiance). Everything was going great...until tonight.

 

Actually, the problem appears to have started on our last date. Everything was going well. Took her to a coffee shop, then strolled along this little river in Osaka, then went to a nice little cafe-restaurant with a view. We were having a pretty good time and got to talking. Out of the blue she reminded me that I had asked sort of casually on our previous date that I had asked about kids (i.e. whether she wants them or not). Then, she obliquely answered that she really wasn't interested in them. Well, she raised the question to me, and I said that I was undecided, but that I've sometimes thought it would be nice. I didn't pay attention to it at the time, but I should have: the mood did change, ever so slightly. Didn't smile as much afterward. Didn't send me an email yesterday. I called her on the phone and we had a pleasant conversation, but wasn't as animated as in the past. And now, she sends me an email (text message) tonight saying her heart is aching the past two days and that she needs to "collect her thoughts", that it's best I not call her tonight. I responded and asked if everything was okay and asked if I could talk to her, only to receive a reply emphatically asking me (as nicely as she could) not to call her. If I didn't know any better, I'd say there's a big flashing "Danger" sign blinking right in front of me.

 

My guess is that, more than anything, it's about kids. I think she's assuming that this is going to be a problem, and maybe it's best for her just to cut this off at the pass - which I would understand. Of course, it's possible that it's something else. We talked about quite a bit once we had some alcohol in us. I told her that I have some health issues that could be a problem later in life, and that right now, I want to do some traveling before deciding what my next step is. Maybe I shouldn't have started talking about those things so early in our relationship, or maybe I shouldn't have hit her with it all at once (damn alcohol)...but I figure it's going to come up sooner or later, right? It's not like I hit her with this all on the first encounter.

 

I'll be honest. I've kept a few side prospects in mind just in case something like this happened, but I've told her that I'm happy with her and I'd like to see where we go with our relationship (is there a better way to say something like that?) This is always the stage where it gets complicated for me - somewhere between like and love.

 

Midori, Monkey, Anybody...your help's appreciated. Might be better coming from a woman or someone familiar with Asian women, but any help's appreciated.

 

Should I just take a step back from this? Take it more slowly? Loosen up and maybe keep seeing other women until we get this straightened out?

[moimeme]

I've known a woman in a situation like this. She had already decided she would not have more kids when she found the love of her life - a man who was quite a few years younger. The one thing they could never agree on was having kids. He absolutely had to have his own kids and she absolutely was not going the diaper route again. She still misses him.

 

I long ago decided I wasn't going to pop progeny of my own so one of the first things I want to know about a fellow who might be a prospect for me is whether he really wants kids. If he does, I go no further with him; I won't change my mind and it's unlikely he will, either and so there's no real point.

 

I suspect that your lady friend is finding herself very fond of you - possibly getting more serious than she expected. She knows that if you really want kids, that will mean the eventual end of the relationship. She may have decided the wiser thing to do is to end it sooner rather than later in hope the pain now will be less than the pain later.

 

Too, your having said to her that you are 'undecided' about having kids told her right off that you aren't necessarily thinking of her in terms of a long-term relationship since she was quite clear that she'd not be having any. In either case, had she posted to ask what to do, I think everyone's advice to her would be to end it before she got more hurt.

 

Now, if you think you would be interested in her in the long term, you better let her know. Some people in these situations have elected to not have children in favour of keeping the partners who don't want children. Other people have ditched the partners in order to have kids. She needs to know which of these sorts you are. If you don't think you'll NEED to have kids of your own ever, let her know.

[just_bella]

Originally posted by Goatsbreath

You need a guys perspective here

 

WHO CARES SHES ORIENTAL

 

 

Originally posted by Goatsbreath

Go get yourself one of those asian women , make us proud.

 

Why do men classify women based on there race? I am very disappointed after reading this post. Becuz I happen to be asian. And I can never figure out why guys act this way. Who cares what your race is? This is one reason why I don't date guys who only date or look to date asian women. I think you should like someone based on themselves and not there race. Do you know how sad you sound Goatsbreath.

 

GROW UP!!!

[DonTomaso]

What if a person is particularly attracted to a certain race? That might mean a longer and happier future for both people. I would love to fall ion love with a latin woman... I am simply attracted to them. I'm sure there exist women in every race that have wonderful personalities, so if it's possible to narrow down the field a little bit, I'm all for it. Of course, I could just as ealiy fall in love with a black, white, or asian woman.

[Goatsbreath]

Yeah, you people are making this out to be something it never was. Now you are assuming that I only like Asian women or something. As if I don't follow my heart and would be happy to be in any relationship with a women that made me happy regardless of race. You are putting words in my mouth and quite frankly- its starting to get real annoying. I'm allowed to have preference or find certain characteristics in people visually appealing. Just like we all do. So back OFF!

[meanon]

She may not be able to have kids. If it's not a big deal for you then say so. If you're not sure then maybe it's best to respect her wishes and let it go. It sounds as though you're a bit uncertain of the causes. You could make a romantic gesture and tell her you can sort out whatever the problem is. What you do next depends on how much you like her and are prepared to make a committment if that's what she needs.