How do I stop this train wreck. Long

[Shutterb]

First off, I told her the other night that we must fix this issue or our marriage will collapse. I did not use the D word but I was clear there could be ramifications. Secondly, I just am not sure ignoring her is a good plan of attach. I have been much lighter on the affection this past week and it is being filled by her initiating touch. Yesterday in a filled elevator she told a friend how good I am looking... The tension has dissipated and she is acting in the same In Love manner she had been. It is real or an act, I have known when she is forcing it and this does not seem like it.

Inside the bedroom:

Would you bet your house on whether or not she orgasms when you have sex? No offence but if she was really having great O's don't you think she would not fight you so hard to avoid sex?

She has no problem telling me when she is not into it and doing it for me (no O). And there is a difference when she is into it. She’s really not a good liar and worse of an actor. And as I have stated she has been enjoying it more in the past few years than before. But I get you and that is what I don’t understand… If she enjoys it then why not more of it and why do I have to initiate it knowing that a majority of the time it’s not going to happen?

2. Does she like things a little rough - biologically most women are hardwired to like being dominated - verbally and physically - many women are ashamed of this side of them and need to be encouraged to open up - sometimes they like to be "held down" - well you get the picture

 

I have tried the dominate male thing in bed before. Not quite held down and forced, but she has always seemed to start retracting and showing that it is not in her comfort zone.

The oral thing whole other topic… We both love it.. I love giving that to her because I love how much she loves it. But she just does not like giving back. Again she gave that to me often earlier on but I am pretty she that even back then she hatted it. I am fine with that but it would be a very nice bonus. Got bigger problems although technically probably the same when you boil it down… And she knows under no uncertain terms that I Love it.

 

I am focusing on correcting a few things with me. Working out has been a huge boost. She is stating I am looking sexy again and it’s a big confidence builder. BUT we have been in this pattern before a long time ago. When I started lifting weights, she begins to lose self confidence and doubted I wanted her…

 

Things seem to be smoothed out right now. I and going to let this ride out and see her next move. If she falls into complacence again, I will readdress our fight I mean talk. And go from there. I can keep you in the know if you wish. This has been very helpful and I can still use this as a journal.

[mem11363]

Good for you for lifting. If she gets insecure and starts fishing for compliments I think it is fair to just say you love her. Don't get into conversations about fitness/weight etc. Because she KNOWS you are attracted to her - so much so that it is sadistic for her to fish for physical compliments from a guy she routinely rejects physically.

 

As for her approaching you and touching you, hey if she initiates and it makes you feel good that is great. Maybe it will warm things up. Maybe you are right and just let her lead that and just respond but don't escalate it.

 

My main, main point is this. Like most people being starved of love, the starver denies the starvee the most valuable thing in the world: "The Truth". So - sorry for being so wordy before - I was simply trying to suggest that until she is willing to tell you how she feels and why she feels that way, you are going to feel confused and anxious.

 

For the moment forget about her and think about you. What makes YOU strong?

1. Lifting/working out

2. Managing alcohol level / keeping it low

3. Being a good father - focus on doing stuff with the kids - invite her to come but focus on THEM - treat them like your highest priority

4. Maybe work on career skills/job skills

5. Work on being fun/playful - practice with others if that helps - I do NOT mean flirt - I just mean that FUN/upbeat people are a turn on

 

Avoid doing things that make you seem "needy". Avoid doing anything that makes it seem like you are trying to get her to have sex with you. I think the situation you are in - any overt "romantic thing" a nice dinner, flowers, a card, that stuff she just looks at it plain and simple as you want her to have sex with you. So it comes across as needy instead of loving. Totally sucks and I think SHE created this dynamic which is really sad. But you actually married her when she had been acting this way for a few years already. So by doing that you signalled that you were OK with a relationship where you tried much harder to please her then she tries to please you. If you don't change that dynamic you are lost.

 

 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

First off, I told her the other night that we must fix this issue or our marriage will collapse. I did not use the D word but I was clear there could be ramifications. Secondly, I just am not sure ignoring her is a good plan of attach. I have been much lighter on the affection this past week and it is being filled by her initiating touch. Yesterday in a filled elevator she told a friend how good I am looking... The tension has dissipated and she is acting in the same In Love manner she had been. It is real or an act, I have known when she is forcing it and this does not seem like it.

 

Inside the bedroom:

Would you bet your house on whether or not she orgasms when you have sex? No offence but if she was really having great O's don't you think she would not fight you so hard to avoid sex?

 

She has no problem telling me when she is not into it and doing it for me (no O). And there is a difference when she is into it. She’s really not a good liar and worse of an actor. And as I have stated she has been enjoying it more in the past few years than before. But I get you and that is what I don’t understand… If she enjoys it then why not more of it and why do I have to initiate it knowing that a majority of the time it’s not going to happen?

 

2. Does she like things a little rough - biologically most women are hardwired to like being dominated - verbally and physically - many women are ashamed of this side of them and need to be encouraged to open up - sometimes they like to be "held down" - well you get the picture

 

I have tried the dominate male thing in bed before. Not quite held down and forced, but she has always seemed to start retracting and showing that it is not in her comfort zone.

The oral thing whole other topic… We both love it.. I love giving that to her because I love how much she loves it. But she just does not like giving back. Again she gave that to me often earlier on but I am pretty she that even back then she hatted it. I am fine with that but it would be a very nice bonus. Got bigger problems although technically probably the same when you boil it down… And she knows under no uncertain terms that I Love it.

 

I am focusing on correcting a few things with me. Working out has been a huge boost. She is stating I am looking sexy again and it’s a big confidence builder. BUT we have been in this pattern before a long time ago. When I started lifting weights, she begins to lose self confidence and doubted I wanted her…

 

Things seem to be smoothed out right now. I and going to let this ride out and see her next move. If she falls into complacence again, I will readdress our fight I mean talk. And go from there. I can keep you in the know if you wish. This has been very helpful and I can still use this as a journal.

[giotto]

we have seen this type of advice many time on this board... good advice, but rarely works... well, it will work at the beginning, but after the wife has managed to regain her husband's attention, she will revert to the same old behaviour, and so on, in an endless cycle... the OP needs to get to the root of the problem. He needs to talk to her and they need to go to counselling... he is doing all that stuff for the wrong reasons.... not for himself, but to bring his wife back into his life... she will notice that, be sure of that, and the OP will be back to square one...

 

edit: my wife compliments me from time to time... it means nothing... she still doesn't want to have sex with me... or rarely...

[Shutterb]

Now I am not discounting the possibility, but that just may not be all that cut and dry.

Been reading on the marriage builders site that was suggested here. He brought up a case where sexual incompatability and its effects sure sound very similar. W just does not want it and H does. W is just to distracted with things and jsut does not ever thing about it cause one she has other things on her mind and 2, it is not one of her core needs. I truely beleive this has been our issue over the past 10 years. Can you not see that as a possibility. Her June could very well have been caused by what I have already stated and then her return to blah caused by me. The daughter thing is sad but could be one of two things. a blockade for any advancments from me, or her obssesion of making sure they are safe. She is not just a little overprotective of our kids. The blockage can be looked at two different ways as well. A complete emotional separation or a buffer she can hide from our incompatability.

From every fight about this through the years, she has always maintained the same argument,,, Does the fact that her own feeling not count and mine do in this strugle. If she is not into it then why should she be forced to. Selfish, yes, but not a full out Affair verdict in my book. In fact in her mind I am the one being selfish.

I will be mindfull of an A but I do not buy the fact that this is the only conclusion. I know she has not had an A for the past 10 years... Just no way. We have been best friends, we work together, go home for lunch together, and do everything together and I mean everything.(besides the handfull of GNO's) Probably too much...

Nobody has mentioned if it would be normal if in June, she had an A that brought us closer together... That makes no since. so the A theory does not hold up true for the recent change either.

As I said I am not discounting that as a possibility just as I hope everyone keeps an open mind.

[mem11363]

So I think your points are logical and consistent and this is not an affair. Here is what I don't get. Since the "absence" of sex is such a big frustration to YOU, why is she not willing to teach you how to get her in the mood when she starts out uninterested?

 

Many, many married women have a baseline arousal level of zero most nights/every night. The solution for happy couples is the woman teaches the man how to arouse her in an enjoyable way. And for the vast majority of women - if they simply teach their man how to do this - they are both way happier with the outcome.

 

If you want sex 20 nights a month and she wants it 2 nights a month. Doing it 2 nights a month is NOT a compromise. It means that 10% of your physical needs are being met. If you only met 10% of her emotional needs she would have divorced you long ago.

 

The ONLY way you are going to "change" this situation is for you to gradually change the emotional dynamic so that your wife is in some way afraid of you. I don't mean physically afraid - I DO NOT MEAN PHYSICALLY AFRAID. I do mean somehow intimidated - like how you said she got insecure when you got in really good shape in the past.

 

Do you know what humans are programmed to do - when they are with someone they find a bit intimidating. We are ALL like this. We are programmed to try to please that person. Hmmm - if she really wanted to please you she sure knows how. You need to get her to "THAT" place.

 

If you believe what I just said don't read the rest. It is not needed. If you DOUBT what I just said, then you might want to read the rest.

 

If you think this is psychobabble that I am making up, just consider this. Every month or two my wife asks me the following questions:

- How happy am I with the quality of our sex life (always say 10 which is true)

- How happy am I with the quantity/frequency of our sex life

 

Back in June - I made a mistake. I said 10 for quality and 9 for frequency (because we were at twice a week and maybe 3 times a week is perfect for me). Her response - ok - I will fix that. I said - woa hold on. Fix what? She said - the frequency. I will improve that. I said baby a 9 is a phenomenal score you don't need to do anything. And she looked at me and said - less then a 10 in the bedroom is not acceptable to me. And so she then "punished" me a little with a couple two a days. I cannot barely, just barely do two a days anymore at 46. I was scared I was going to lose my erection. So I friggin begged for mercy and will never make that mistake again.

 

By the way OUTSIDE the bedroom things are quite different. My wife is great - she is also strong willed and sometimes very particular about how everything should be. And she can get difficult very quickly if she thinks I am not doing "whatever" correctly. LOL. So she is not a pushover and frankly I fear her more then she has ever feared me - she fears me just enough to find it erotic. So we laugh about our split life. I rule in the bedroom - she rules everywhere else.

 

 

 

 

Now I am not discounting the possibility, but that just may not be all that cut and dry.

Been reading on the marriage builders site that was suggested here. He brought up a case where sexual incompatability and its effects sure sound very similar. W just does not want it and H does. W is just to distracted with things and jsut does not ever thing about it cause one she has other things on her mind and 2, it is not one of her core needs. I truely beleive this has been our issue over the past 10 years. Can you not see that as a possibility. Her June could very well have been caused by what I have already stated and then her return to blah caused by me. The daughter thing is sad but could be one of two things. a blockade for any advancments from me, or her obssesion of making sure they are safe. She is not just a little overprotective of our kids. The blockage can be looked at two different ways as well. A complete emotional separation or a buffer she can hide from our incompatability.

From every fight about this through the years, she has always maintained the same argument,,, Does the fact that her own feeling not count and mine do in this strugle. If she is not into it then why should she be forced to. Selfish, yes, but not a full out Affair verdict in my book. In fact in her mind I am the one being selfish.

I will be mindfull of an A but I do not buy the fact that this is the only conclusion. I know she has not had an A for the past 10 years... Just no way. We have been best friends, we work together, go home for lunch together, and do everything together and I mean everything.(besides the handfull of GNO's) Probably too much...

Nobody has mentioned if it would be normal if in June, she had an A that brought us closer together... That makes no since. so the A theory does not hold up true for the recent change either.

As I said I am not discounting that as a possibility just as I hope everyone keeps an open mind.

[Sophia]

I'm a woman who's been in your shoes, shutterb. I'll tell you what I've learned.

 

This doesn't sound like a problem with your technique, which I wondered at first. If you can give a woman 3 big O's a night, well . . . If you ever do decide to leave her, too little sex will not be your problem.

 

I suspect that what you want isn't just sex, though, but intimacy, which, for you, is signified by sex (as it is for many women, too, BTW).

 

I don't think you'll get the truth about why your W is like this because I doubt that she knows herself. It sounds like she wants to avoid emotional responsibility so that she can stay a child and have all her needs met by her Sugar Daddy (and it's inappropriate for a child to have sex and enjoy it). But that's just a sheer guess based on what I know about my Peter Pan H.

 

After years of being in your position, of letting my needs be known and watching my H say he'd change and things being good for awhile only to revert back to the same old same old, of both of us going to MC and individual therapy, which he didn't really take advantage of, I ended up strong enough to move out after 20 some years of marriage and children raised. I, too, don't believe in divorce, so I left the door open because I do love him, but I made it clear under what circumstances I would be reconciled.

 

The good news: he finally got that he might need to consider my needs as important as his. And he stepped up. But it took two years and an honest-to-God checklist that, as ridiculous as it sounds, helped him see his behavior (or lack of it) toward me for what it was--neglectful and abusive. It also helped me stand strong and attend to my own neediness.

 

So there may be something to that whole neediness/wimpiness thing. You don't need sex; you want it (completely understandable!). But why do you want it so badly? You're a man, not a child, yet there are times when it sounds like you're begging like a street orphan. What is it in you that's crying out for attention that you hope your W will fill (besides sex!) that keeps you from standing up for your needs being as important as hers?

 

Could your W be a narcissist? It sounds like what she wants and needs is more important that what you want and need, and a marriage has to have both partner's needs considered equally important. If she is a narcissist, she won't get your pain until she feels the very real pain of not having a marriage.

 

I agree that taking a strong stand is the way to go. Nix the alcohol, for sure. But being emotionally strong is different than physical intimidation. It includes being kind and considerate, but if anyone ever tried to hold me down during sex, no matter for how many O's, the first chance I got, I'd be biting that hot dog.

[giotto]

a couple of points... I had to beg my wife to have sex twice a month and then once a month (this for years)... very humiliating. Her reason was that I would get upset and say hurtful things when I was turned down and the pressure put her off even more. It's all in the head!

 

We went to counselling, we even separated for a few months (under the same roof), but nothing worked... we got back together, just for the sake of the children, but being with my wife and only be able to be intimate with her once a month was unbearable to me, so I decided to pack my bags...

 

That's when the compromise arrived... she really didn't want me to leave, so we compromised to once a week and I promised not to be grumpy and difficult to live with... well, sex is more once every ten days, but I'm happy with that. My wife is sticking to her part of the deal and I'm fairly happy. Well, I'm happy about sex, but the rest is still a big mess...

 

Maybe you should show her you are a man. Pack your bags and go...

[mem11363]

Giotto,

Please don't be offended by this question but how well do you understand what turns your wife on/off with regard to things you do outside and inside the bedroom?

 

Earlier in life we had a lot of tension in my marriage over mismatched drives, and insensitive behaviors (her part) and angry over reactions (my part) when I felt rejected.

 

But I truly did treat this like a puzzle - what can I do to make her want me more? What can I do to make sex feel better for her? What was I doing that was emotionally pushing her away/turning her off?

 

And slowly I learned. But a few things helped. First I was able to get my wife to understand that her indifference on this subject was very, very painful. Like she truly treated my desire like a short term medical condition that needed to be treated.

 

I remember one day looking at her sadly and asking "Does it not bring you pleasure to make me happy?, Do you not understand how true that is in reverse? How my favorite sound in the world is your laughter, my favorite sight your smile?" And then I was just quiet and spoke no more.

 

 

a couple of points... I had to beg my wife to have sex twice a month and then once a month (this for years)... very humiliating. Her reason was that I would get upset and say hurtful things when I was turned down and the pressure put her off even more. It's all in the head!

 

We went to counselling, we even separated for a few months (under the same roof), but nothing worked... we got back together, just for the sake of the children, but being with my wife and only be able to be intimate with her once a month was unbearable to me, so I decided to pack my bags...

 

That's when the compromise arrived... she really didn't want me to leave, so we compromised to once a week and I promised not to be grumpy and difficult to live with... well, sex is more once every ten days, but I'm happy with that. My wife is sticking to her part of the deal and I'm fairly happy. Well, I'm happy about sex, but the rest is still a big mess...

 

Maybe you should show her you are a man. Pack your bags and go...

[mem11363]

It is one thing if wife says "I AM attracted to you, I am just angry that you are not doing your fair share. And getting in bed feeling like you are taking advantage of me, by not doing your share - well that is killing my desire".

 

But that is not the case most times. Usually wife is not feeling desire for husband due to his having lost his - masculine edginess - not kidding that really is a big factor. And in those cases, turning the husband into a frantic - and yes I mean quietly frantic - maid/cook/chauffer etc just makes the situation worse.

 

Think about the dynamics. The wife is just saying what she wants him to do - because she knows he is desperate for her approval. So instead of saying "Man Up" because that is a scary, scary thing to say to your husband she says "help me more". And thinks "I can give him mercy sex once a month if he is willing to do way more then his fair share of everything else."

 

 

 

Did you ever offer to pay her for sex, either with money, certain household services (laundry, lawn, cooking, vacuum, etc.)?

[giotto]

pay her for sex? Maybe I should have... a bit less than a proper escort, though...

 

my wife is the most complicated woman I've ever met...

[MSUE]

I will be mindfull of an A but I do not buy the fact that this is the only conclusion. I know she has not had an A for the past 10 years... Just no way. We have been best friends, we work together, go home for lunch together, and do everything together and I mean everything.(besides the handfull of GNO's) Probably too much...

Nobody has mentioned if it would be normal if in June, she had an A that brought us closer together... That makes no since. so the A theory does not hold up true for the recent change either.

As I said I am not discounting that as a possibility just as I hope everyone keeps an open mind.

 

 

 

Let me remind you again of my story I shared in the earlier stages of this thread I was with my now XH for 8 years...I cheated I had an A...I did just about everything your W has been doing to you...there is always a way!!!! when there's a will there's a way...I found every way possible to see my OM even while my then H and I were in Chicago(we lived in NY) for a "family wedding" I still found a way!!!! now I'm not saying the only answer to your problem is an A but I'm just trying to open up your mind a bit more to the possibilities and you are in such dnial of that being possible

[MSUE]

I came up with any excuse possible not to have sex or intimacy w him...I couldn't stand it...and trust me he was and is an amazing guy who deserves better and what I did to him I'm not proud of...but guess what he was my security blanket I had it all with him I never ever worried about nothing not even a bill great provider goofy just such a giver...I was scared of life wout that security...but I was more scared of a life wout love, passion, intimact that I enjoyed and needed from my OM...today after a long road and a few years I'm finally w my OM and he's no longer my OM he is my SOI, my BF and its official...everything your wife did and all I know is what you have posted but I did all of that

[justpassingthrough]

Sorry but this sounds so wrong to me. As if sex is just a device that is necessary to make a marriage work.

Some women also get an emotional, intimate connection from sex, feel loved and happy by it.

Where is the FUN and PLEASURE in all this? Sex is not something a woman gives to her man in order to keep him in the marriage. It should be something she also enjoys.

 

This is my bad for not taking the time to clarify myself.

 

Of course women should enjoy it too. You're right.

 

My point is, and I still may not make myself clear, is the emotional bond men have, the connection it forms, the way of staying close. Read the sexless marriage threads and it's painfully obvious that, to men, no sex = rejection as a man.

[seibert253]

Do what I did. Sit her down and say "I cannot and will not live in a sexless marriage. The physical aspect of our relationship is just as important to me as our emotional love. I don't know why you keep rejecting me, but that's how I feel, rejected. If I rejected you on a constant basis on something that was important to you, you'd feel the same.

Honey you have a decision to make, because if you will not make me happy and fullfill my needs, someone else will."

[mem11363]

Seibert - I am convinced that is half the battle - the willingness to be with other women for satisfaction. I also think - that it is worth pressing the question of "WHY". In some cases they can't explain why they have lost their desire, but in others I just thing the spouse is deliberately withholding.

 

Do what I did. Sit her down and say "I cannot and will not live in a sexless marriage. The physical aspect of our relationship is just as important to me as our emotional love. I don't know why you keep rejecting me, but that's how I feel, rejected. If I rejected you on a constant basis on something that was important to you, you'd feel the same.

Honey you have a decision to make, because if you will not make me happy and fullfill my needs, someone else will."

[giotto]

So, you think she will take the money and provide the services?

 

I doubt it very much... and I won't ask, because I want to live...

[giotto]

Do what I did. Sit her down and say "I cannot and will not live in a sexless marriage. The physical aspect of our relationship is just as important to me as our emotional love. I don't know why you keep rejecting me, but that's how I feel, rejected. If I rejected you on a constant basis on something that was important to you, you'd feel the same.

Honey you have a decision to make, because if you will not make me happy and fullfill my needs, someone else will."

 

I did that myself as well, in my marriage... she didn't have an answer to that...

[Stung]

I hope it is just a low sex drive but then I don’t…LOL Funny thing is her sex drive was at its peak the both times she was pregnant. Can anyone explain that? And one note that I have not mentioned yet, we had a miscarriage in Nov 08… Blighted Ovum. Now this type of miscarriage leave the body to think it is still pregnant, at least initially, but nothing developes. I have thought that was the issue with her stomach because it began to hurt her after the DNC… one more odd note, her breast were very sensitive the last night of our June fun… Now I seriously doubt her increase in SD is related to this but I guess I have heard of stranger things…

 

 

Forgive me if someone else has addressed this...I read through this thread a day or two ago but did not have time to post then, and am not sure if I'm totally caught up right now.

 

The above quote caught my eye, and as far as I know, it doesn't seem to have caught anyone else's. OP, I do realize that you are lamenting 10+ years of libido incompatability, however you do seem to have stressed that it's been worse lately, and I assume by that you mean in the last several months or year. Yet you don't seem to acknowledge or realize that your wife went through a traumatic event 9/10 months ago which could easily have screwed up her hormones and her emotions. The fact that you mention the blighted ovum miscarriage and D&C as if it were an afterthought, a minor blip on your radar...let's just say, it makes me wonder how big of a blip it was on your wife's radar. I have been through a similar experience and it was very difficult, physically and emotionally, a painful event that left my hormones out of whack for many months after.

 

Also, you mention that your sex life was always best when your wife was pregnant (this would probably be largely due to your wife's hormones, and is not all that unusual, a lot of pregnant women get pretty randy), and that your marriage improved briefly in June, before falling back into the dumps. If the miscarriage was in November, wouldn't June have been right around the due date, if the pregnancy had carried to term? I know when I had my miscarriage, I knew what the due date would have been and my mind and emotions were all over the place at that time, up and down like a rollercoaster...and my hormones had still not settled back into their normal routines, although everyone is different in this way.

 

I'm not suggesting this is the source of all your marital discord, obviously,but again, you have complained about things being worse lately...and look what's happened lately, kind of a big thing. You wouldn't be the first man to misunderstand how important and difficult that kind of thing can be for a woman, and she wouldn't be the first woman to start shutting a man out because of that. This could have been compounded by the fact that you then by your own admission started drinking more and more heavily as you grew resentful about not getting enough sex. Is it possible that some of this downward spiral your marriage is in is caused by lack of real communication about this miscarriage? Maybe you have even rewritten your marital history a bit in your head, making the last several months of dry spell loom larger and extend further back in your marriage than really accurately reflects the truth, if you think about it again?

 

Just some thoughts. I'd still read the books and look at the websites others suggested, and keep on working on your communication with your wife. Good luck.

[Shutterb]

Stung Thanks for making this point. I can’t say I knew what she went through or is still going through but I know the hormones were out of whack for a while. She seemed to be herself around January. But I know it is still in the back of her mind. She brought it up during our last fight. I also believe that it is the cause of her stomach issue… Hormonal imbalances are a cause of Gallblader issues. Which she is showing more indication of over the weekend.

 

I had not stated that things are worse, but the same as per June and pre MC, ie past 10 years. If it sounded worse it is because I am making it so with my confusion and the struggle to get June back. As I said, if June had not happened, I would not be missing anything. Think of it as an affair I had with my earlier wife. And I can’t stop thinking about it or the years we have spent with a near sexless marriage.

 

Over the weekend her stomach issue was worse. Stronger signs pointing to gall stones. I am trying to help her focus on that… Not trying to be too pushy but trying to give her support. I have no idea what it feels like but know we will not be happy until she gets better. We do seem closer and she stated the other night that she wants to make me very HAPPY and hopes the Dr. can find out something so she can do just that… Yes we actually had a talk about us that was constructive and did not blow up into a fight…. I am trying to be affectionate but not pushy. It’s a struggle acting somewhere inbetween emotionless to passionate. Just today she told me not to hide my emotions but dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t is how I feel.

[mem11363]

The only way to really know how sick someone is feeling is to see which activites that you KNOW they enjoy that they are curtailing because of their condition. If the only activity being curtailed is sex.....

 

The other piece of the puzzle is how aggressively they are seeking treatment. "Pretend" sickness, people avoid seeing the doctor. They know it is just a waste of time and in fact the doctor may just think they are a hypochondriac. A truly sick person is usually quite proactive about getting prompt help.

 

Just saying be careful here. There are men who are 10 years ahead of you in this process who will tell you that their wives have used "not feeling well" as a permanent excuse. I am NOT saying that is true for your wife.

 

I also - just me - would want to go with her to the doctor. I would want to hear it first hand, help her formulate questions, maybe even be the guy taking notes. If my wife tried to discourage that I would simply say - we have merged everything in our life, your health is as important to me as my own - I am coming to all the appointments, tests etc. And I am going to be supportive and helpful. And then just don't discuss it - hold up your hand and say - "stop" - this is not a subject for further discussion. An "honest" wife will simply thank you for this. A dishonest wife will fight you tooth and nail.

 

Stung Thanks for making this point. I can’t say I knew what she went through or is still going through but I know the hormones were out of whack for a while. She seemed to be herself around January. But I know it is still in the back of her mind. She brought it up during our last fight. I also believe that it is the cause of her stomach issue… Hormonal imbalances are a cause of Gallblader issues. Which she is showing more indication of over the weekend.

 

I had not stated that things are worse, but the same as per June and pre MC, ie past 10 years. If it sounded worse it is because I am making it so with my confusion and the struggle to get June back. As I said, if June had not happened, I would not be missing anything. Think of it as an affair I had with my earlier wife. And I can’t stop thinking about it or the years we have spent with a near sexless marriage.

 

Over the weekend her stomach issue was worse. Stronger signs pointing to gall stones. I am trying to help her focus on that… Not trying to be too pushy but trying to give her support. I have no idea what it feels like but know we will not be happy until she gets better. We do seem closer and she stated the other night that she wants to make me very HAPPY and hopes the Dr. can find out something so she can do just that… Yes we actually had a talk about us that was constructive and did not blow up into a fight…. I am trying to be affectionate but not pushy. It’s a struggle acting somewhere inbetween emotionless to passionate. Just today she told me not to hide my emotions but dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t is how I feel.

[Shutterb]

I know exactly what your thinking. I was suggesting her go to the dr again over the weekend and was glad to hear that she made the apt on Monday. I am supporting her but not to seem as pushing her to get better. Hoping she wants to do that herself. But I am watching and noting all the times that she eats something that she knows makes her feel bad.

I headed to the grocry store early this morning and got stuff that I hear could help. She had a healty lunch due to it. Will see.

When tempers started to flare up between us, this issue came up. I told her weeks ago that I wanted to see whoever was needed and at any cost to find out what was wronge with her. She had tabled it until this weekend, probably because it got worse. I do beleive there is something wrong but I do not see any urgancy from her to fix it, at least until now.

I am giving her the benifit of the doubt right now. I have to play this out as I do not want to come off as a complete Jack A** I truely do love her and want her to feel great but I will not let her hide behind this either.