How do I stop this train wreck. Long

[giotto]

sounds very familiar! I can only say that it won't last. She wants a sexless marriage, because, for one reason or another, she doesn't want sex with you. But she wants the family thing. So, she might give you sex for a bit to keep you there and then back to "normal". She will do this until you really put your foot down and tell her that you are off...

 

we don't know what her problem with sex is, but you are putting pressure on her and she hates it even more. Let me tell you, though: if you put your foot down and she agrees to regular sex, would you be ok with the pity shags you will be getting?

[MSUE]

Hi shutter

 

I really do hope that its the start of something good for you guys...however I've been in her shoes before ...and here is what happened...I loved my then H dearly but as time passed by(we were together for 8 years) sadly I fell out of love...I loved him as a friend..I loved him dearly...but not as a man...I was terrified of leaving him or him leaving me...the house, my car, my bills paid, my check being 100% disposable income, the trips around the world...I was scared of losing it all...losing my security blanket...but I just could not help myself I didn't want him sexually at all, I did not want him to touch me or kiss me or even to see me naked...but sometimes I had no choice but to let him and have sex that I did not want...eventually I had an A...and got caught big time...I had to make a choice...I chose my OM...I lost all my financial security...and my OM now BF had gotten fired twice in that year so forget supporting us...but I did not care at all...not one bit because I loved him so and I had never smiled so much in my life I had never experience such love till then ...in the end everything worked out in the end...I'm happy, he's happy and even my EXH is happy cause he is finally healing and me being out of his life and house has made that possible...now my BF is finally able to support us as a top manager for GM...

 

This is my story...I don't know about her girls nights out...has it crossed your mind that maybe its not what she claimed it to be? that maybe there could be someone else? that maybe she fell out of love and wants out but is terrified of the consequences ? its so difficult to fall back in love w your partner...I tried and tried I just couldn't do it for the life of me...sex is a beautiful thing and it is a super important and crucial part of a relationship...a sexless marriage isn't a marriage its just a friendship and you deserve to be and feel loved...in every sense of the word...I never believed in divorce till I found myself in those shoes

[vox]

"Mommy won't let me sleep in my own bed."

 

She wants no part of you, man. She wants the family, the money, the security. She humped you long enough to hook you and now you're just the father of her children and the second income, not her husband.

 

Sorry to say, I would love to be wrong, but once it's lost, I don't think I've ever heard of anyone suddenly desiring their SO ever again.

[Shutterb]

Muse, obviously anything is possible but I do not think there was any OM and the GNO's were not many. Plus I was invited to go to most. But I would have felt odd with her reminiscing with her old GF about High School. One of them I grabbed an old buddy of mine and we met up with them with very late notice. She may have been excited by the attention of other men but no time for much else. Plus she has had a low interested in sex for as I say 10 years. And sure there were times where I know she felt insecure of her weight time and again, Job stress, etc…. But we were fine, or at least she was because I never pressed really hard about my own fellings. Only when June came. She became more into me, not less. Would that be an typically reaction if she was having an A. How Ironic that if I did not get a taste of my NEW wife that month, I would not be in this position.

 

I hope it is just a low sex drive but then I don’t…LOL Funny thing is her sex drive was at its peak the both times she was pregnant. Can anyone explain that? And one note that I have not mentioned yet, we had a miscarriage in Nov 08… Blighted Ovum. Now this type of miscarriage leave the body to think it is still pregnant, at least initially, but nothing developes. I have thought that was the issue with her stomach because it began to hurt her after the DNC… one more odd note, her breast were very sensitive the last night of our June fun… Now I seriously doubt her increase in SD is related to this but I guess I have heard of stranger things…

[Shutterb]

VOX, I think the closer observation that a OM case... Fell out of Love. or at least the passionate lustful honeymoon part. She has always shown and stated that she loves me... Just not in the bedroom, or at least with the frequency I would like. And plus she had had more Multiples as we has gotten older than before, so she enjoys it when she gives in... Is it hard for a women to O x2 or 3 if they are out of Love with their partner?

[vox]

VOX, I think the closer observation that a OM case... Fell out of Love. or at least the passionate lustful honeymoon part. She has always shown and stated that she loves me... Just not in the bedroom, or at least with the frequency I would like. And plus she had had more Multiples as we has gotten older than before, so she enjoys it when she gives in... Is it hard for a women to O x2 or 3 if they are out of Love with their partner?

 

You're kind of missing my point. I'm not saying she doesn't love you. But she seems to love you as the father of her children. Provider. Not a man. And it's an unfortunate thing with a lot of relationships that once someone sees you one way, nothing you can do will alter that. You may want to bond with her sexually, but... she got everything she wanted already. So why bother?

[sally4sara]

After cooling off she understands and states that she is the one that needs to change. I asked her what I need to change and she said nothing besides to watch my drinking( and yes it is worse now since I am so depressed) But that she is the problem and needs to make changes. I told her that I want to be a priority in her live the way I make her a priority in mine. She says that she loves me and that she is more in love with me than ever. But I just do not see it anymore.

 

Please elaborate the bolded part. Especially explain - worse than WHAT now? My ex is a drunk and the consequences of his alcoholism really ate away at my feelings for him. The lost jobs, the legal fees and insurance rates always getting more expensive. Then the car I paid for got booted for a few months......I hated him on top of me, the alcohol smell sweating out of him for hours because he was too drunk to finish but too proud to admit it all while I didn't want sex from him to begin with.

If any of this fits, I'm sorry. You're going to have to sober up and THEN work on building intimacy.

Sorry, again if I'm wrong but no one else seemed fazed by the drinking comment in your first post.

[giotto]

I think we were all hoping it would be a temporary thing... BTW, you are depressed and you drink and you get even more depressed, because it's a depressant...

[semperdolens]

just a little note from an ex, highly functioning drunk and smoker: it's not attractive, unless you mix with other drunks and smokers... drowning your sorrow in alcohol is not good, it makes you look like a spineless, pathetic man. Believe me, I've done that myself. I don't really know how much you are drinking, but I can tell you it's not helping...

[semperdolens]

Please elaborate the bolded part. Especially explain - worse than WHAT now? My ex is a drunk and the consequences of his alcoholism really ate away at my feelings for him. The lost jobs, the legal fees and insurance rates always getting more expensive. Then the car I paid for got booted for a few months......I hated him on top of me, the alcohol smell sweating out of him for hours because he was too drunk to finish but too proud to admit it all while I didn't want sex from him to begin with.

If any of this fits, I'm sorry. You're going to have to sober up and THEN work on building intimacy.

Sorry, again if I'm wrong but no one else seemed fazed by the drinking comment in your first post.

 

gosh, that sounds really disgusting...

[MSUE]

Muse, obviously anything is possible but I do not think there was any OM and the GNO's were not many.

She may have been excited by the attention of other men but no time for much else. Plus she has had a low interested in sex for as I say 10 years. And sure there were times where I know she felt insecure of her weight time and again, Job stress, etc…. But we were fine, or at least she was because I never pressed really hard about my own fellings. Only when June came. She became more into me, not less. Would that be an typically reaction if she was having an A. How Ironic that if I did not get a taste of my NEW wife that month, I would not be in this position.

…

 

I think you are in denial of the possible reasons why this is happening... 10 years on no drive and insecurity about weight? seriously if that's the case she needs to find a way to deal with it either get some help or go to the gym...job stress...yea right we all have stress specially now that job security is not what it once was...I go nuts at times I deal with the public sometimes for 14 hours straight I come home to my BF and leave that stress out the door...we always make sure to have us time...so my point is all those lil reasons that you have come up with aren't too valid to say the least...if you truly love and care about your partner you make time for intimacy as it is wout a doubt a big part of any relationship...not to plant a seed in your head but the possibility of an OM is very high...that's how I acted when I was married and fell out of love I went and had an A...I didn't even want to sleep in the same bed with my then H...I always came up with every excuse possible not to have sex...

[MSUE]

Shutter...how much do you drink and how often? has your drinking been going on for the 10 years she has neglected your needs or is it a recent thing cause you are fed up?

[Shutterb]

The drinking is not bad as I see it but at time yes. I may drink a 12 pack of Beer in a week’s time or wine equivalent. Sometime more sometimes less. Generally on the weekends or a beer or glass of wine or 2 at dinner along with wife. My wife drinks wine and I will drink wine with her as well. There have been times that I would take it too far and end up drunk… usually dealing with a get together where shots were being handed around friends. I get off my typical drinking pattern and it usually ends me getting more alcohol than my limit. This is the part that my wife gets upset at me and it is deserved. Maybe one night a month… on average if even that. She is not immune to drinking too much either but not as often as I. Now we met in collage and drinking was just normal. I do not drink nearly as much as I did when we got together.. In the past week I think I had 2 glasses of wine and 4 beers, 2 on Sat and 2 on Sunday.

 

Now within the past 2 months, I would drink a few too many on a weeknight.. Not that it affected my work at all but there has been an increase… That started because of the drop in intimacy after June so not the cause of it… Depression set in and I know there was an increase in drinking on my part. Now if she is being truthful and a few things distracted her in early July... the initial rejections caused my mind to race and then the increase of drinking kept her distant to go along with my depression and pressure for sex.. Now that combination I could see would cause her to change her NEW attitude towards me..

 

No legal issues and no work issues to deal with… In fact I had been worried that my wife’s night outs would get her in trouble…. Often was ready to pick her up if she felt unsafe to drive. But I think she scared herself and was carful after that.

[Holding-On]

"Mommy won't let me sleep in my own bed."

 

She wants no part of you, man. She wants the family, the money, the security. She humped you long enough to hook you and now you're just the father of her children and the second income, not her husband.

 

Sorry to say, I would love to be wrong, but once it's lost, I don't think I've ever heard of anyone suddenly desiring their SO ever again.

 

Balderdash.

People's desires ebb and flow in a long term relationship.

My sister was teasing me for gushing about my husband just the other day. (he has gotten pretty fit recently and looks really hot )

 

I would suggest that you read Michelle Langley. She comes from it at a more negative point of view but I think she is a good read anyway.

 

You and your wife have been together since she was 19. So that means you are the only man she has been with. Perhaps she is different than I, but I was surprised to find that hitting my late 30s meant, for a time, I was much more interested in OTHER men, not so much my husband.

 

Right now she does take you for granted, possibly as you are so attentive and available she experiences that as pressure. You might look at the 180 and see if that would work for you.

[semperdolens]

The drinking is not bad as I see it but at time yes. I may drink a 12 pack of Beer in a week’s time or wine equivalent. Sometime more sometimes less. Generally on the weekends or a beer or glass of wine or 2 at dinner along with wife. My wife drinks wine and I will drink wine with her as well. There have been times that I would take it too far and end up drunk… usually dealing with a get together where shots were being handed around friends. I get off my typical drinking pattern and it usually ends me getting more alcohol than my limit. This is the part that my wife gets upset at me and it is deserved. Maybe one night a month… on average if even that. She is not immune to drinking too much either but not as often as I. Now we met in collage and drinking was just normal. I do not drink nearly as much as I did when we got together.. In the past week I think I had 2 glasses of wine and 4 beers, 2 on Sat and 2 on Sunday.

 

Now within the past 2 months, I would drink a few too many on a weeknight.. Not that it affected my work at all but there has been an increase… That started because of the drop in intimacy after June so not the cause of it… Depression set in and I know there was an increase in drinking on my part. Now if she is being truthful and a few things distracted her in early July... the initial rejections caused my mind to race and then the increase of drinking kept her distant to go along with my depression and pressure for sex.. Now that combination I could see would cause her to change her NEW attitude towards me..

 

No legal issues and no work issues to deal with… In fact I had been worried that my wife’s night outs would get her in trouble…. Often was ready to pick her up if she felt unsafe to drive. But I think she scared herself and was carful after that.

 

 

your drinking was fairly normal in the pre-crisis period, but now it's escalating dangerously. I'm not here to preach, but I've been there and I can tell that you need either to moderate or stop completely. If you carry on at this level, you'll soon find yourself dependent on it. On the long run, you will stop functioning and alcohol will take over.

 

I started drinking exactly because I felt rejected by my wife. But she had justified (medical) reasons to do that and I, instead of helping her, took the easy way out: the bottle. So, be very careful... it's easily done.

 

Lastly, a pathetic man who drowns his misery and sorrow in alcohol is never attractive and will obtain exactly the opposite. Your wife will despise you for being a spineless drunk...

[MSUE]

Shutter,

 

 

besides the amount you drink...are you a happy drunk or an angry one? that could play as well

[semperdolens]

Shutter,

 

 

besides the amount you drink...are you a happy drunk or an angry one? that could play as well

 

well, even if he is a happy drunk now, it won't last, because he will get even more depressed... alcohol is a nasty and sneaky beast...

[Shutterb]

Happy, Always have been a Happy drinker. Oh I have been a mean drunk a few times. Unfortunately just since starting this downhill slide, I said some mean things to my W twice while drunk. I am so ashamed of that and have made my apologies but I know the damage was done. That is why I have made a conscience effort to stay away from drinking more than 2 beers since. During our TALK, W told me how hurtful that was to her. But I knew that already.

So if my wife was truthfull that in July our daughters friction burns distracted her, then my actions building up after weeks could very well have pushed her away. My mind racing, depression setting in, drinking heavier, and the added pressure i was dumping on her because of all of this, well I can very well see how I put out the flames of my NEW wife and the happiest month we had been together. Heck, all of this could have brought back her stomach issue as well, just continuing the cycle. Ugh.

[mem11363]

This is a sad situation. What is that saying - when sex is good it is 10% of the marriage, when bad it is 90% of the marriage.

 

I have been married 20 years - we have 3 kids - and the two of us have worked hard to have a truly passionate marriage. My wife has a low drive, I have a high drive. We have a lot of sex because I learned two things:

- How to make my wife be "in love" with me and

- How to get her aroused when she starts out "not" aroused - which is most of the time

 

One thing you might want to stop doing is saying this "I will never leave you". Or "I will never divorce you". I know you believe that signals commitment, to most spouses it actually signals weakness. And the biggest turnoff in the world to a woman is male weakness. A weak woman might get us guys hard as a rock, since we get to protect her - and then breed with her - but a weak man is a TOTAL libido killer for any woman. And this is why it is so very darn hard to be a man. Where does kindness stop, and weakness begin. Where does commitment stop and weakness begin. How do you learn to come across as "tough" as opposed to just "angry". Tough is a turn on, angry is a turn off.

 

Hard as it will be - you need to stop radiating unconditional love - interspersed with random outburst of fury - at your wife - until she demonstrates that she truly loves you. And at this point the ONLY demonstration of love that you should accept from her is the honest truth about how she feels, what is really going on in her head sexually, etc. Until she tells you the truth about why sex is so rare - be honest if you put no pressure on her, it sounds like she might never have sex with you again.

 

1. Your wife does love the "idea" of you, that is the place holder of having a co-parent, a co-income earner and a friend to share the household duties with. She is afraid of divorce for all the obvious reasons. The funny things is she might divorce YOU if the kids were grown. But for now she might feel that is too high risk.

 

2. She does not respect you, nor is she terribly concerned about whether you are happy. She is totally aware that you are in a state of sexual frustration and worse, the deep emotional feeling of rejection that comes with chronic sexual starvation. She FULLY UNDERSTANDS this, she simply either is indifferent to your emotions or truly finds having sex with you very NOT FUN

 

3. She does not respect you in that she KNOWS you are very unhappy and is trying to intimidate you into NOT going to counseling. Why is that? Why is she afraid of counseling?

 

4. Because she knows that a counselor is going to tell her that it is cruel and emotionally abusive for her to NOT BE HONEST with you. And she is not being honest. She is NOT telling you what is really going on.

 

I have taken a few "formal IQ tests". Lets just say I score very high on that type of test. However I would never in a million years try to figure out WHY your wife is denying you a basic emotional component of marriage. Only she knows. And it could be many things.

 

The message to her needs to be: We need to solve this issue before it destroys our marriage. (Note destroy does not necessarily mean end - but be real if the kids were grown would you tolerate this? If so, you must love misery because LOTS of women will love you WAY WAY more then your wife does and yes that of course includes lots of sex). If she mentions divorce I would simply say - I never used that word - I simply don't want to end up actively not liking each other. Since we can't solve this alone, we need help to solve it. And you need to come, that is not optional. If she refuses you need to consider how to encourage her.

 

By the way the pattern you have set must be incredibly appealing to her. This is how you describe it yourself:

- I try to be the PERFECT husband for her for weeks on end praying that she will realize what a great man I am and fall in love with me

- Every once in a long, long while she randomly has sex, or lets me have sex with her and I convince myself that I am succeeding. Then the cycle repeats.

 

You need to focus on a few things:

- Working out as a replacement for alcohol, you are on the edge of a slippery slope with the drinking - be careful

- Accept that it is way better to stop having sex totally at this point and focus ALL your energy on counseling and true intimacy - meaning getting her to open up and tell you what is happening. Stop focusing on why she was nice to you for one month in the summer. Just focus on the here and now. She needs to understand you are going to have some conversations that are not about having sex in one hour or one day, but they are about doing 1 of 2 things:

1. Bringing back her physical desire for you or

2. Increasing her emotional connection/love for you to the point where she gets pleasure from pleasing YOU

 

Outside the bedroom

1. What does she find a "turn on" in men - fitness/muscle tone - nice clothing - sense of humor - athletic skills - what?

2. What does she find a "turn off"

 

Inside the bedroom:

Would you bet your house on whether or not she orgasms when you have sex? No offence but if she was really having great O's don't you think she would not fight you so hard to avoid sex?

 

1. Does she like oral sex and do you give it to her?

2. Does she like things a little rough - biologically most women are hardwired to like being dominated - verbally and physically - many women are ashamed of this side of them and need to be encouraged to open up - sometimes they like to be "held down" - well you get the picture

3. What is it that she likes/dislikes sexually

 

 

Just keep in mind a few things. You cuddling her again and again - which makes her feel safe and loved and ends up with you feeling angry and tense because it rarely turns into sex. That is a bad, bad pattern. Change the pattern.

 

This is what my wife and I do before we get into bed. One or the other of us will say is this a cuddle/tv night or a lovin night? And the other answers and then that is that. A lovin night usually STARTS with cuddle time - which we both like - but it always ends in sex.

 

For you - you are within your rights to tell her nicely - baby I love you but until we solve this sexual issue, which is not about sex at all, it is about love. I don't want to cuddle. It leaves me feeling tense and angry.

 

 

Happy, Always have been a Happy drinker. Oh I have been a mean drunk a few times. Unfortunately just since starting this downhill slide, I said some mean things to my W twice while drunk. I am so ashamed of that and have made my apologies but I know the damage was done. That is why I have made a conscience effort to stay away from drinking more than 2 beers since. During our TALK, W told me how hurtful that was to her. But I knew that already.

So if my wife was truthfull that in July our daughters friction burns distracted her, then my actions building up after weeks could very well have pushed her away. My mind racing, depression setting in, drinking heavier, and the added pressure i was dumping on her because of all of this, well I can very well see how I put out the flames of my NEW wife and the happiest month we had been together. Heck, all of this could have brought back her stomach issue as well, just continuing the cycle. Ugh.

[sally4sara]

This is a sad situation. What is that saying - when sex is good it is 10% of the marriage, when bad it is 90% of the marriage.

 

I have been married 20 years - we have 3 kids - and the two of us have worked hard to have a truly passionate marriage. My wife has a low drive, I have a high drive. We have a lot of sex because I learned two things:

- How to make my wife be "in love" with me and

- How to get her aroused when she starts out "not" aroused - which is most of the time

 

One thing you might want to stop doing is saying this "I will never leave you". Or "I will never divorce you". I know you believe that signals commitment, to most spouses it actually signals weakness. And the biggest turnoff in the world to a woman is male weakness. A weak woman might get us guys hard as a rock, since we get to protect her - and then breed with her - but a weak man is a TOTAL libido killer for any woman. And this is why it is so very darn hard to be a man. Where does kindness stop, and weakness begin. Where does commitment stop and weakness begin. How do you learn to come across as "tough" as opposed to just "angry". Tough is a turn on, angry is a turn off.

 

Hard as it will be - you need to stop radiating unconditional love - interspersed with random outburst of fury - at your wife - until she demonstrates that she truly loves you. And at this point the ONLY demonstration of love that you should accept from her is the honest truth about how she feels, what is really going on in her head sexually, etc. Until she tells you the truth about why sex is so rare - be honest if you put no pressure on her, it sounds like she might never have sex with you again.

 

1. Your wife does love the "idea" of you, that is the place holder of having a co-parent, a co-income earner and a friend to share the household duties with. She is afraid of divorce for all the obvious reasons. The funny things is she might divorce YOU if the kids were grown. But for now she might feel that is too high risk.

 

2. She does not respect you, nor is she terribly concerned about whether you are happy. She is totally aware that you are in a state of sexual frustration and worse, the deep emotional feeling of rejection that comes with chronic sexual starvation. She FULLY UNDERSTANDS this, she simply either is indifferent to your emotions or truly finds having sex with you very NOT FUN

 

3. She does not respect you in that she KNOWS you are very unhappy and is trying to intimidate you into NOT going to counseling. Why is that? Why is she afraid of counseling?

 

4. Because she knows that a counselor is going to tell her that it is cruel and emotionally abusive for her to NOT BE HONEST with you. And she is not being honest. She is NOT telling you what is really going on.

 

I have taken a few "formal IQ tests". Lets just say I score very high on that type of test. However I would never in a million years try to figure out WHY your wife is denying you a basic emotional component of marriage. Only she knows. And it could be many things.

 

The message to her needs to be: We need to solve this issue before it destroys our marriage. (Note destroy does not necessarily mean end - but be real if the kids were grown would you tolerate this? If so, you must love misery because LOTS of women will love you WAY WAY more then your wife does and yes that of course includes lots of sex). If she mentions divorce I would simply say - I never used that word - I simply don't want to end up actively not liking each other. Since we can't solve this alone, we need help to solve it. And you need to come, that is not optional. If she refuses you need to consider how to encourage her.

 

By the way the pattern you have set must be incredibly appealing to her. This is how you describe it yourself:

- I try to be the PERFECT husband for her for weeks on end praying that she will realize what a great man I am and fall in love with me

- Every once in a long, long while she randomly has sex, or lets me have sex with her and I convince myself that I am succeeding. Then the cycle repeats.

 

You need to focus on a few things:

- Working out as a replacement for alcohol, you are on the edge of a slippery slope with the drinking - be careful

- Accept that it is way better to stop having sex totally at this point and focus ALL your energy on counseling and true intimacy - meaning getting her to open up and tell you what is happening. Stop focusing on why she was nice to you for one month in the summer. Just focus on the here and now. She needs to understand you are going to have some conversations that are not about having sex in one hour or one day, but they are about doing 1 of 2 things:

1. Bringing back her physical desire for you or

2. Increasing her emotional connection/love for you to the point where she gets pleasure from pleasing YOU

 

Outside the bedroom

1. What does she find a "turn on" in men - fitness/muscle tone - nice clothing - sense of humor - athletic skills - what?

2. What does she find a "turn off"

 

Inside the bedroom:

Would you bet your house on whether or not she orgasms when you have sex? No offence but if she was really having great O's don't you think she would not fight you so hard to avoid sex?

 

1. Does she like oral sex and do you give it to her?

2. Does she like things a little rough - biologically most women are hardwired to like being dominated - verbally and physically - many women are ashamed of this side of them and need to be encouraged to open up - sometimes they like to be "held down" - well you get the picture

3. What is it that she likes/dislikes sexually

 

 

Just keep in mind a few things. You cuddling her again and again - which makes her feel safe and loved and ends up with you feeling angry and tense because it rarely turns into sex. That is a bad, bad pattern. Change the pattern.

 

This is what my wife and I do before we get into bed. One or the other of us will say is this a cuddle/tv night or a lovin night? And the other answers and then that is that. A lovin night usually STARTS with cuddle time - which we both like - but it always ends in sex.

 

For you - you are within your rights to tell her nicely - baby I love you but until we solve this sexual issue, which is not about sex at all, it is about love. I don't want to cuddle. It leaves me feeling tense and angry.

 

 

Uhhhh, what you're telling this guy to NOT do, it exactly what does work in creating intimacy and arousal for me. To me, only a strong man could say "I will never walk away from my promise or this life I have with you" and mean it. Only a strong man could say that and not worry about being taken for granted or vulnerable.

While I can recognize that I may not be much like his wife, I can't imagine thinking I know how she thinks or what she wants for certain. Certainly not enough to advise he hold her down or force her while they have a lack of intimacy they need to work on. Power struggle sex is fun when true intimacy and trust are in place.

[vox]

Uhhhh, what you're telling this guy to NOT do, it exactly what does work in creating intimacy and arousal for me. To me, only a strong man could say "I will never walk away from my promise or this life I have with you" and mean it. Only a strong man could say that and not worry about being taken for granted or vulnerable.

While I can recognize that I may not be much like his wife, I can't imagine thinking I know how she thinks or what she wants for certain. Certainly not enough to advise he hold her down or force her while they have a lack of intimacy they need to work on. Power struggle sex is fun when true intimacy and trust are in place.

 

Or, you know, knowing he'll never leave her/stop contributing/doing things for her no matter how much she takes him for granted.

[sally4sara]

Or, you know, knowing he'll never leave her/stop contributing/doing things for her no matter how much she takes him for granted.

 

You know, I get that. And it is up to the OP to figure out what will best work since he knows her best.

I just can't imagine advising someone to do what could amount to rape (should it not go over well) when trying to fix an issue like this.

[vox]

You know, I get that. And it is up to the OP to figure out what will best work since he knows her best.

I just can't imagine advising someone to do what could amount to rape (should it not go over well) when trying to fix an issue like this.

 

I don't think anyone is advocating rape. (That hold-down thing did raise an eyebrow though, to be honest) -- She basically has all of the benefits of the marriage and doesn't really seem to care about his needs at all.

[mem11363]

I am sorry for writing it that way. I did not for one second mean to suggest that our fellow blogger "do any" of that stuff sexually.

 

I was trying to suggest things for him to ASK her about so he can LEARN what turns her on or off.

 

I am 100% opposed to men using physical force or the threat of physical force in any way in any relationship.

 

With the exception that it is a mutually agreed upon form of "play" that both partners truly enjoy - wrestling during sex etc, dominance during sex - again - all in play.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think anyone is advocating rape. (That hold-down thing did raise an eyebrow though, to be honest) -- She basically has all of the benefits of the marriage and doesn't really seem to care about his needs at all.

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This is just my opinion - I am not claiming that it is "right" just what I believe.

 

I am totally committed to my wife. I cannot picture us parting other then through death. Neither of us has ever cheated. If she cheated - I think I would just try to understand why and forgive her - and myself if I played some role through neglect.

 

With that said our commitment is two way. There were a couple times during our marriage when I felt very badly treated and like I was not important to her (nothing to do with sex). And I simply asked her both times - one of them was in year 12 of our marriage: "Do you think I will tolerate this treatment after the children are grown"?

 

And she was shocked by that question. And she asked me, "Is that your plan - to leave me after they are grown". And I said no way, I totally believe in the til death do us part stuff, I just don't think you respect/love me any more. So why would we stay together after they leave. And both times she ended up coming back to me and saying, I want to fix this, I don't want to make you so unhappy that you are just "waiting" til they are grown to leave me.

 

But our friend here has been struggling with this problem for over a decade, if his "commitment" made him seem so strong to her, why is it that she seems so indifferent to his misery? Why is it that she attacks a man who is clearly in pain, for wanting a MC to help him/them?

 

The worst nightmare in the world is to be totally committed to an abusive person. Abuse is abuse. Emo / physical it all does damage.

 

Lets say he were a "she" and the husband deprived her of kind words, of hearing "I love you", and was a bit critical in general so that she just felt unloved. AND also that he refused counselling?

 

Would you really tell her to tell him - I am totally committed I will never leave you. Would you say she is being "strong" or she is being one of those weak women who can't leave her abuser?

 

 

 

 

You know, I get that. And it is up to the OP to figure out what will best work since he knows her best.

I just can't imagine advising someone to do what could amount to rape (should it not go over well) when trying to fix an issue like this.