How do you stop something you don't want to end?

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

I'm a younger S woman involved -- both emotionally and physically -- with an older MM. I want to ask a question that could provoke some heated responses but I hope you see what I'm trying to say and hope that people have some insight as to how I could go about resolving this. To say up front -- there is, of course, the obvious moral reasons why I shouldn't be involved with a MM (b/c of his wife, kids, the list goes on). That is not lost on me or him, trust me.

 

But, at the same time, I have never really seriously entertained the thought of being in a relationship with him if his marriage ended. In fact, I could point to a lot of reasons why it wouldn't work out (age difference, different stages in life, v. different social circles, etc.). I know that this is often a problem for many people involved in an A -- is the MP ever going to leave his/her M? That's not the case here. At least not yet -- we've been involved w/ each other for about five months. I've never done this and don't know things like this usually progress. But, the thought of him leaving his family for this is both A) unrealistic and B) scary and not desired on my part.

 

So, that said, I find myself having a hard time answering this question: "How do you stop something you don't want to end?"

 

The conversations, sex and -- hell -- even the silence when we're just sitting doing nothing -- are all amazing. Despite how different are lives are, we have undeniable chemistry. I'm seeing other men, but they simply don't do it for me like this MM does. When you're in an A and you're either the MM/MW and the OW/OM -- you're in this little bubble where reality (i.e., sabotaging marriage, kids, potential other relationships) don't exist. Am I right? So, from my perspective, I'm finding it so hard to cut this A off. I know it's wrong and I hate what I know I'm doing to his marriage and family. Yet, when I'm with him, it all stays at bay.

 

I know with this post I risk sounding like woman who has a cavalier attitude toward marriages and/or wives. To that end, I really don't think I do -- it's not that simple -- and I would appreciate any insight anyone could offer.

[whichwayisup]

You like what he's giving you and even though you know no good is going to come of this, you can't stop yourself.

 

Start really thinking of his wife and kids. What if she finds out, are you ready to face his wife? Ready to face the consquences of your choices, by having an affair with a MM? Go read in the infidelity section and read about betrayed spouses' pain. Read in this section about how OM/OW get really hurt by staying in the affair.

 

Imagine your own father dating someone behind your mothers back, someone alot younger than him. Imagine how hurt, and betrayed your mom would feel..

 

You're addicted to the intensity and taboo of the affair. It's all based on fantasy and fun feelings, not real life.

 

And ofcourse noone is going to compare when you're still with him. You will miss other opportunities and possibly a great relationship with a guy closer to your age whom you can share everything with, rather than stolen moments on MM's time frame.

 

If you want it to end, then you have to be serious about atleast trying to end it. Saying it should end and then doing nothing is pointless.

[bentnotbroken]

You put on your big girl panties and walk away. How would you react if you had a daughter and her H were treating he in this manner? What will you tell her? What would you tell him? Does MM have a daughter? Would he want someone treating his daughter like he is treating her mother? Yes these are all "if's". If's that one day could be your reality.

[In_Repair]

OP, I am in a similar position. I'm not pushing for my MW to leave her husband, and the thought of her actually ending an 18 year marriage for me kind of scares the crap out of me. On the other hand, I do love her and I want her in my life. I guess the only thing to do is to let the affair run it's course. Either she decides to leave, or we continue on until we are either discovered or I find someone else.

 

 

whichwayisup and bentnotbroken... A guilt trip?... really?... I mean REALLY?

 

I did take your advice though, and I just sat here and thought about all of the pain my MW's husband would feel... and you know what? To hell with the SOB. I disliked his sorry ass way before I ever even contemplated a relationship with his wife. My wife and my MW were friends before she left me and I started seeing MW. She does not bad-mouth her husband to me, and actually, he is almost never a topic of our conversation. Come D-day though, it's going to be hard to restrain myself just because of all the bull**** that I know he has put her through for the last 5 or 6 years that I have known them.

If it was a different unknown man, then yes, I would feel immense guilt... but still, probably not enough to stop. It's crazy to just automatically assume that every BS is a saint that has never inflicted any emotional pain on the WS. I'm not saying it justifies an affair, but some BSs are really crummy people and deserving of every little bit of pain that is sent their way.

[bentnotbroken]

OP, I am in a similar position. I'm not pushing for my MW to leave her husband, and the thought of her actually ending an 18 year marriage for me kind of scares the crap out of me. On the other hand, I do love her and I want her in my life. I guess the only thing to do is to let the affair run it's course. Either she decides to leave, or we continue on until we are either discovered or I find someone else.

 

 

whichwayisup and bentnotbroken... A guilt trip?... really?... I mean REALLY?

 

I did take your advice though, and I just sat here and thought about all of the pain my MW's husband would feel... and you know what? To hell with the SOB. I disliked his sorry ass way before I ever even contemplated a relationship with his wife. My wife and my MW were friends before she left me and I started seeing MW. She does not bad-mouth her husband to me, and actually, he is almost never a topic of our conversation. Come D-day though, it's going to be hard to restrain myself just because of all the bull**** that I know he has put her through for the last 5 or 6 years that I have known them.

If it was a different unknown man, then yes, I would feel immense guilt... but still, probably not enough to stop. It's crazy to just automatically assume that every BS is a saint that has never inflicted any emotional pain on the WS. I'm not saying it justifies an affair, but some BSs are really crummy people and deserving of every little bit of pain that is sent their way.

 

 

Who is trying to guilt anyone? I have a children so I think in terms of my children having to experience heartbreak at the hands of someone who doesn't really care about them or the impact they have on their lives. And no one can be made to feel guilty if they feel there is nothing wrong with their actions, not that the OP said that, just in general. Ask jeannie.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

WhichWayIsUp: "You will miss other opportunities and possibly a great relationship with a guy closer to your age whom you can share everything with, rather than stolen moments on MM's time frame." -- Yes, you are right. That is precisely what compelled me to come on here to start getting myself out of this mess. I am wanting to spend more and more time with him yet holding back considering I know I shouldn't want that, know it's not good for me, and -- most importantly -- deprives his family of his time.

 

In_Repair: I do not know MM's wife at all. I've never met her and MM doesn't talk about her much. Since I know so little about his family and when we met I didn't know he was married, it's easier for me to keep all that at bay. At the same time though, I also have no reason (that you seem to have) to not feel guilty and of course I do, like I said initially. She is presumably a very nice woman whose H now sees here as just a friend... (according to him, anyway).

 

Bentnotbroken: I know you are completely right -- of course -- that I should walk away. But, at the same time, I have always (even before this affair) been pessimistic (realistic? depends on how one looks at it) about lifelong marriages, relationships, etc. Nothing is ever black and white and I know there is always some reason (more than the OP) why MP cheat. I know some marriages work out great for 30 years, while others don't as people change, mature, etc. And, that's why I find it hard to judge either of us as negatively as most people do. This probably sounds pretty heartless, but I am just trying to be honest.

 

As to all your "ifs": If I had a daughter and her H was doing this to her, I would tell her to get out of the marriage but emphasize that there is probably some reason he is straying in the first place. And, that she is better off without him, or something like that. I wouldn't, however, automatically say her H is a horrible person. He could be, but it depends on the circumstances and the lives of the people involved.

[taylor]

this is often a problem for many people involved in an A -- is the MP ever going to leave his/her M? That's not the case here. At least not yet -- we've been involved w/ each other for about five months. I've never done this and don't know things like this usually progress. But, the thought of him leaving his family for this is both A) unrealistic and B) scary and not desired on my part.

 

So, that said, I find myself having a hard time answering this question: "How do you stop something you don't want to end?"

 

You sound like many OM who enter affairs with MW. They don't want the MW to leave their husbands and they aren't picturing a long-term committed relationship with them. They just want to live in the moment and have some fun.

 

So, in one way, you are a little different than most OW.

 

However, like some OM and many OW, feelings and attachments begin to develop over time. The affair will progress and a time will come when you will want this MM all to yourself. You will want him to leave his wife and be exclusively with you.

 

Perhaps you don't feel that way now because you are young and still playing the field. But when you are ready to be in a serious, committed relationship..and you are still having amazing sex with him...and you are more attached to him than ever...you willl want more of him. You will start putting pressure on him to leave his wife and the more he resists, the more you will want it.

 

You don't see this happening now. It's hard to see the consequences of an affair when you are in the midst of it and riding high on the euphoric feelings it creates. But it will catch up with you and in the end, he will either dump you because you put pressure on him...or you will dump him...but not until he has sucked the very life out of you.

 

Right now everything you do is very self-serving. Everything is about how he makes you feel. You aren't capable of thinking about his wife and children..not really..not the way you would be if you were in an objective position. So don't even try. There is no way you will ever be able to muster enough guilt to surpass the euphoria you are feeling now.

 

But maybe you can start to think about the consequences YOU will most likely face if you continue to allow this affair to progress. You will feel pain..tremendous gut-wrenching pain. You just don't know it now.

[NoIDidn't]

Contemplating, I didn't get a cavalier attitude from your OP at all. It seems like you just want to discuss this rationally and without all of the emotional upheaval that could cloud what you are "contemplating".

 

I think its easier than it sounds, but very simple to say. You just stop. You consider the consequences of your actions and if you want to make time in your life for that level of drama and go from there. Because there is going to be drama, real and imagined, as you continue.

 

You say that MM is older than you. I assume that means he has older children. Children that are old enough to know what he is doing if they find out and form their own opinions about the whole thing. In fact, there are a couple of posters here that have been harassed and threatened by the MM's grown children. That's unnecessary drama, IMO.

 

Me, personally, I think of it like a diet plan with goals. If I don't want to gain weight, I put down that chocolate cake that goes against my stated goals.

 

An aside: based on what you have said that your MM says about his BW, I have to wonder if you aren't his first affair?

[bentnotbroken]

WhichWayIsUp: "You will miss other opportunities and possibly a great relationship with a guy closer to your age whom you can share everything with, rather than stolen moments on MM's time frame." -- Yes, you are right. That is precisely what compelled me to come on here to start getting myself out of this mess. I am wanting to spend more and more time with him yet holding back considering I know I shouldn't want that, know it's not good for me, and -- most importantly -- deprives his family of his time.

 

In_Repair: I do not know MM's wife at all. I've never met her and MM doesn't talk about her much. Since I know so little about his family and when we met I didn't know he was married, it's easier for me to keep all that at bay. At the same time though, I also have no reason (that you seem to have) to not feel guilty and of course I do, like I said initially. She is presumably a very nice woman whose H now sees here as just a friend... (according to him, anyway).

 

Bentnotbroken: I know you are completely right -- of course -- that I should walk away. But, at the same time, I have always (even before this affair) been pessimistic (realistic? depends on how one looks at it) about lifelong marriages, relationships, etc. Nothing is ever black and white and I know there is always some reason (more than the OP) why MP cheat. I know some marriages work out great for 30 years, while others don't as people change, mature, etc. And, that's why I find it hard to judge either of us as negatively as most people do. This probably sounds pretty heartless, but I am just trying to be honest.

 

As to all your "ifs": If I had a daughter and her H was doing this to her, I would tell her to get out of the marriage but emphasize that there is probably some reason he is straying in the first place. And, that she is better off without him, or something like that. I wouldn't, however, automatically say her H is a horrible person. He could be, but it depends on the circumstances and the lives of the people involved.[/QUOTE]

 

 

I don't think most realistic adults believe marriage is forever. But as you said as people mature, then they should act accordingly. This isn't behavior of a mature person. Walking away is would hurt for a while, but it wouldn't carry with it the same reprecussions that A's do. Divorcing doesn't have to include lies, gas lighting, basic deception by omission, or even some of the exteremes of some A, like pregnancy and STD's.

 

All of lif is black and white. We humans muddy it up when what we won't supersides what is right and honorable. It just isn't you, him or even just adultery. There are some things that hurt a lot longer than the initial shock. Is that fair...probably not. Can it be prevented...a lot of the time. Should other's people lives be considered in response to our actions.....all the time.

 

And I do agree with you, there is always a reason for straying, it's called poor coping skills and decision making. If we use that justification for straying that something was probably wrong...then both partners should "always" cheat. After all aren't they both in the same marriage where something is obiviously wrong? But since we know that isn't the case, that means some other coping skill was used to deal with the issues. Whether those things are healthy or not depends on the person and circumstances, but a sure thing is A's are never healthy for anyone involved. Starting a new entanglement before ending a previous one is not only wrong, unfair(and only my opinion immoral)it is so very destructive for all involved.

 

I don't necessarily believe that all people involved in A's are horrible either, but the action, the lack of respect lack of dealing with a spouse, the lack of diginity for one's self and family, the lack of integrity in being honest with one's self and all involved and for some the lack of caring for others involved enough to do the right thing..is a horrible thing.

[utterer of lies]

...

 

Sounds like both of you get what you want from this A - why stop it? As long as you are both ok with it...

 

That he is married and cheating on his wife is his problem, his responsibility, not yours.

 

Enjoy.

[fooled once]

I'm a younger S woman involved -- both emotionally and physically -- with an older MM. I want to ask a question that could provoke some heated responses but I hope you see what I'm trying to say and hope that people have some insight as to how I could go about resolving this. To say up front -- there is, of course, the obvious moral reasons why I shouldn't be involved with a MM (b/c of his wife, kids, the list goes on). That is not lost on me or him, trust me.

 

But, at the same time, I have never really seriously entertained the thought of being in a relationship with him if his marriage ended. In fact, I could point to a lot of reasons why it wouldn't work out (age difference, different stages in life, v. different social circles, etc.). I know that this is often a problem for many people involved in an A -- is the MP ever going to leave his/her M? That's not the case here. At least not yet -- we've been involved w/ each other for about five months. I've never done this and don't know things like this usually progress. But, the thought of him leaving his family for this is both A) unrealistic and B) scary and not desired on my part.

 

So, that said, I find myself having a hard time answering this question: "How do you stop something you don't want to end?"

 

The conversations, sex and -- hell -- even the silence when we're just sitting doing nothing -- are all amazing. Despite how different are lives are, we have undeniable chemistry. I'm seeing other men, but they simply don't do it for me like this MM does. When you're in an A and you're either the MM/MW and the OW/OM -- you're in this little bubble where reality (i.e., sabotaging marriage, kids, potential other relationships) don't exist. Am I right? So, from my perspective, I'm finding it so hard to cut this A off. I know it's wrong and I hate what I know I'm doing to his marriage and family. Yet, when I'm with him, it all stays at bay.

 

I know with this post I risk sounding like woman who has a cavalier attitude toward marriages and/or wives. To that end, I really don't think I do -- it's not that simple -- and I would appreciate any insight anyone could offer.

 

You also stated that you are beginning to want him to spend more time with you.

 

So your feelings are developing.

 

But as long as you know up front that there is a 97% chance he is NOT going to leave ............

 

What are you going to be doing during holidays, which are coming up? He will be with his family, not you. Oh, he might sneak a call or a text to you; but he will be with them.

 

Are you okay with the fact that there is a 50/50 chance he is still sleeping/having sex with his wife? How does that make you feel?

 

How old are you vs him? A lot of MM who cheat prey on younger women; they get 'highs' from knowing they can still turn on your girls. They get their ego fed from it. He also gets an ego boost because you are all ready for him when he does have a bit of time to spare for you.

 

I do have an issue with how you blame the BS

 

Nothing is ever black and white and I know there is always some reason (more than the OP) why MP cheat. I know some marriages work out great for 30 years, while others don't as people change, mature, etc. And, that's why I find it hard to judge either of us as negatively as most people do. This probably sounds pretty heartless, but I am just trying to be honest.

 

Maybe the MM you are having an affair with just likes to get his rocks off on younger women? Maybe it has nothing to do with his wife? Maybe he is just a jerk? Maybe he has checked out on the marriage? Maybe instead of being honorable and working things out with his wife (either via counseling, a seperation or divorce) he choose to go get his ego fed by you?

 

Only YOU can decide if you want to stop doing what you are doing. Can you introduce him to your family? Can you look your family/friends in the eye and tell them you are 'dating' a married man?

 

You are in an "affair fog" right now. Things are so great because you spend limited time with him. You don't really KNOW him as a person; you know the guy who tells you how wonderful you are, how pretty you are, how sexy you are, blah blah blah.

 

You don't see him sick. You don't see him constipated. You don't see him after a truly crummy day at work. You don't see him right when he wakes up with morning breath and hair sticking everywhere

 

If you are willing to risk the heartache that most likely will come from being with him (assuming he gets tired of you asking for more time with him, becoming more demanding of things from him, becoming more emotionally attached to him, etc) and him NOT leaving his wife; then continue on.

 

OR you can pull away and end this now before the heartache. Read posts from Misty or Aquarius Rising and feel the pain they are experiencing after their Affairs have ended. Do you want that for yourself?

 

Good luck in whatever you decide.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

fooled once: I am 14 years younger than him. I am sure that's what initially attracted him to me, but as our A grew (and, yes, our feelings as well, like you pointed out I said) I think it has become more than that. We have talked about that. Re: this "do have an issue with how you blame the BS" -- I don't blame anyone but myself and MM. Regardless of how good or not good a marriage is, the blame for these decisions re: this A come down on only the two of us.

 

I do concede I am in "affair fog" right now, that I don't know much about him in terms of what he does with his family and whatnot. But, we do talk about almost everything else, including some hardships he's had with his parent and difficulties in my life. Still, I know that doesn't equate to a marriage. But, it does clear the air a bit in a foggy A.

 

And, I will read those posts by Misty or Aquarius Rising -- thank you for suggesting them.

 

To answer NoIDidn't Q's re: the children: they are not quite old enough to really know what he's doing. And has he had another affair? I strongly suspected that when I first met him but his actions, words, etc. really suggest otherwise now. But, hell, of course I don't really know for sure.

 

Taylor: you are completely right that what I am doing is self-serving and that I am incapable of really thinking about his wife, in any real way that would alter my actions, anyway. I know I need to see the consequences from my POV, and I've been trying to do that. I suppose I will feel pain, but not as much as I have felt in past real relationships that ended that I thought had a future. I know this one doesn't.

 

I really do think that if he never contacted me (I never reach out to him, it's always him to me. I told him that from the beginning and that's how it has been), I would be fine. Surprisingly. I could get over him -- albeit it would be hard -- but it wouldn't be hard as the other couple times I have had strong feelings for someone and they ended it. I can't seem to ignore him, though, when he does reach out.

 

But, as you say, I say this now -- who knows how things could develop if we continue. While I typically bottle up my feelings with men, eventually, something will crack. And, I suspect that is starting to happen now. (Btw, I have read your other posts -- you have very insightful thoughts to offer. Thank you.)

 

Utterer of lies -- you are the devil on my shoulder whispering what I want to do but know I shouldn't do!

[Teslacoil]

Contemplating, I think it's a lot like giving up a drug. Fortunately you seem to have an idea of where you're going and what you're doing.

 

You're driving down a dead-end street, and you know it, and are really puzzled as to why you keep on driving anyways.

 

Why do people stay in relationships they know won't last? Because they get comfortable.

 

You're comfortable right now. You like this MM, you have a "good" relationship going. Nothing you want to go anywhere, but nothing to motivate you to send him packing either. If it wasn't for the cheating and the lies, you'd be fine. I'd probably tell you you're wasting your time, but some people don't have an issue being in long, comfortable relationships, even if they know it isn't going to end up anywhere.

 

Personally, if I'm in a relationship and I can see a year down the road "No, I don't want to be with this person, I'm not that crazy about her", that's my queue to leave. I want to be with someone I'm crazy about. I'm willing to risk being alone and single for awhile for that to happen.

 

Some people aren't like that. They don't want to sacrifice comfort for the possibility of something great in the future. So they'll stay with whoever they are with until something better comes along.

 

I think that's what I'm getting from you, but I'm not sure. Even though you say you're not really losing anything by being in this relationship, because you're dating other guys who aren't really doing it for you, you're pouring emotional energy and time into this person who you know it won't last with.

 

That'd be my suggestion to use as motivation for moving on. That, and the fact that under his cool exterior, this guy is a lying manipulative jerk for how he treats his wife / family. He might not show that side to you, but it's under there.

[jwi71]

Oh...you maybe comfortable now but it wont be long before all the glamor and comfort gives way to sadness, loneliness and despair.

 

There's a definite progression to affairs in my opinion. And you;re sliding from comfortable, great sex, great times together into...developing feelings and needs which he WILL NOT (not cannot) meet. And once love has its hooks on you...weeks will become months which become years...all of which unsatisfactory for you.

 

I do not think you are able to pull away...but if you can, go NC and never look back...

[whichwayisup]

Surprisingly. I could get over him -- albeit it would be hard

 

Then take the bull by the horn and END IT now.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Teslacoil: I actually could see myself with MM for the longterm (that is, if he wasn't married). I've entertained that idea, but I don't seriously consider that b/c I need to be realistic: because of circumstances beyond my control, that is simply not going to happen. and, I don't feel comfortable at all in this situation. I am crazy about him and want to spend time with him but feel guilty/immoral/[insert another-negative-adjective-here] practically the entire time. I may be in the minority, then, at least in this point in my life. I don't want a longterm relationship at all (at least I don't think I do...). I'm busy with my career, etc., and just don't want that. Thus, this A does, as someone put it, fit nicely in my life. But, you're right, I never know who I'm missing when I'm wasting my time with MM. I have in fact told MM that exact thing.

 

re: this: " You're driving down a dead-end street, and you know it, and are really puzzled as to why you keep on driving anyways." -- Yes, that's precisely how I feel. I've said that to myself over and over again. I know it will end, and I have a feeling it will be sooner rather than later given our most recent conversations that have bordered on too emotional. Notice how I use the word "end" and not "stop" though. Big difference between having something end and actively stopping it. I acknowledge that and take full responsibility for not stopping it. I guess I have been hoping that he will come to realize what he is doing is wrong. Since, like I said, I am never the one to initiate anything (but the urge to do so is growing.) I am sure that is absurd to think he will come to his senses; he is getting what he wants from me (and I am getting what I want from him) and his chances of getting caught are pretty low given our complete opposite social circles.

[Owl]

You end it through simple (not easy, but simple) steps.

 

1. Tell him it's over. You're no longer going to be his mistress. This means establishing NC (no contact) with him immediately.

 

2. Prevent contact. Remove him from your cell phone/IM/email/facebook/little black book. Delete all of his contact information, block his email/IM accounts from yours so that you couldn't see any attempts at resuming contact from him if he tried. And by deleting the information on your side, it makes it a little easier for you to prevent yourself from "getting weak" and doing so as well.

 

3. Grieve for the loss of the relationship. Let yourself deal with the emotions you're gonig to feel. They're there, no matter how this ends or what the relationship was.

 

4. Fill your time/mind with something else to occupy what you'd devoted to him. Start a new hobby, resume an old one, start working out/running/walking...all good things to deal with the stress and occupy your energies.

 

5. Use your friends and family as support while you deal with the grief.

 

And there you go. It's not rocket science, and the real "trick" that people struggle with here is just DOING it. Read my signature...one smart muppet when you get down to it.

[Teslacoil]

Teslacoil: I actually could see myself with MM for the longterm (that is, if he wasn't married). I've entertained that idea, but I don't seriously consider that b/c I need to be realistic

 

I see, I think I misunderstood one of your earlier statements to mean that if this guy weren't married, you'd be enjoying a relationship with him, but long term it wouldn't work out because you're both in different stages of your life, etc.

 

If you are really nuts about him, then that's an even tougher situation. At least you're wise enough to realize that the relationship isn't likely sustainable. I assume this is because the MM is quite clear on the "not leaving the wife and kids" thing... and also it sounds like you're not quite ready to jump into domestic life being a step-mom, or daddy's girlfriend.

 

It sounds to me like you have a lot of sense. Your heart is going to need to take baby-steps away from him, but you'll get there eventually. Just hope that you can get away before there is a D-Day. You, him, and his wife/kids will all be better off if the A ends gracefully without anyone finding out.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Teslacoil: Oh yes I could see how re: to the diff. stages in life comment would mean I'm not interested in this for the longterm. I could see myself with him in a relationship; we have all the little things in common -- hobbies, personality, food, you name it. It's the big and important ones -- age, life stage, marriage status OBVIOUSLY -- that we don't. And, you're right, I am not ready for the domestic life at all. I'm not sure where his mind is re: leaving his wife. I really, really don't think he will, but he has made references re: how I would be a good woman to settle down with and how I would perceive him if his wife left him and he was all of a sudden a free man. (He said I wouldn't even be able to trust him...) The timing of us meeting is clearly off. I think we both realize it wouldn't work out but can't help but think about "what if."

 

Obviously, my comments are still a bit contradictory. Clearly, I am still confused.

 

Owl: Those are very good simple steps that I really hadn't thought about much since you articulated them so well. Thank you.

[taylor]

I think young women like yourself are the reason many married men get away with having "side dishes."

 

These married men, like your MM, want young women who are fun and uncomplicated..women who are looking for fun with no strings attached.

 

The thing is, you WILL become very attached to this man as the affair progresses. I can see the attachment forming already. You are already having a hard time letting him go. You already want to spend more time with him. He is already filling your head with notions of what it would be like to be with him if he left his wife (he is planting this notion in your head to keep you interested, but it isn't sincere). And already you are comparing him to other men who you say do not stack up to this guy.

 

Every day you stay in this affair, the attachment grows, so subtley that you won't even realize how attached you really are.

 

You won't know how attached you are until he starts to pull away.

 

And he will pull away. It could be for a number of reasons:

 

1. You start getting too attached..the relationship starts getting too complicated...too messy...too inconvenient..too difficult.

 

2. He meets another young woman like yourself and wants to expand his affair activities with yet another willing participant.

 

3. He grows a conscience and decides he can't continue the affair (most unlikely scenario).

 

It is good you realize this is a dead-end relationship and that in the end you will experience tremendous pain. You can brace yourself for it.

 

But realize you may also experience some feelings you may not have experienced at the end of your "normal" relationships with other guys.

 

You may feel tremendous guilt for helping a man cheat on his wife.

 

You may also feel sordid or dirty for being this man's hidden little sex secret.

 

You may also feel a complete loss of personal integrity. If you read some of my posts, you know I have spent almost a year trying to regain my sense of self-esteem and integrity following my emotional affair. It's a hard thing to get back. And until you get it back you can feel very lost...like you don't know who you are anymore...you don't recognize the person you let yourself become..and you truly don't like that person you let yourself become.

 

You are young and so it may be difficult to put yourself in this man's wife's shoes. But one day you will be a wife and mother. In many ways it's a very vulnerable state to be in...as wife and mother. You put your faith in your husband that he will be there for you, that he will love you faithfully, and you trust him...and every day you live your life with these precepts in mind. Know that you are the one that has the power to destroy her world..as well as the one who has the power to not destroy her world. It's a choice you make every time you are with her husband.

[ladydesigner]

You may also feel a complete loss of personal integrity. If you read some of my posts, you know I have spent almost a year trying to regain my sense of self-esteem and integrity following my emotional affair. It's a hard thing to get back. And until you get it back you can feel very lost...like you don't know who you are anymore...you don't recognize the person you let yourself become..and you truly don't like that person you let yourself become.

 

Taylor you truly nailed this one on the head. I am in the same boat, it has taken me a year also to try and regain my integrity and self-esteem and I am still making progress. Not sure if I will ever get it back. Your post really hit home with me.

[taylor]

Taylor you truly nailed this one on the head. I am in the same boat, it has taken me a year also to try and regain my integrity and self-esteem and I am still making progress. Not sure if I will ever get it back. Your post really hit home with me.

 

Yes, Lady D, I think our integrity is one of those things we take for granted until we lose it...or should I say...throw it away. We don't realize the value of it until it is gone. And we don't realize how it feels to not have it, until well, we don't have it.

 

There are very few things a person can call their very own. Our Integrity is one of them.

 

I make no excuses for throwing mine away. I am sure you don't either.

 

I think doing good works and staying true to yourself in all situations is the best way to try to recover that which was lost.

 

But it takes time.

 

The best advice, and the one I offer the OP, is to not lose it in the first place. I am sure you would agree with this as well.

 

(Glad to hear I am not alone in this)

[2sure]

You ask how to end it when you dont want to...

If you dont want to...then why end it???

 

If you are not frustrated or otherwise affected by his being elsewhere committed, and are not hoping for any change in your status...do you feel morally guilty or something along those lines?

 

I'm not being obtuse but...obviously there is a reason you feel you want to end it...if you have no reason, then you dont want to end it.

[ednadean]

I'm a younger S woman involved -- both emotionally and physically -- with an older MM. I want to ask a question that could provoke some heated responses but I hope you see what I'm trying to say and hope that people have some insight as to how I could go about resolving this. To say up front -- there is, of course, the obvious moral reasons why I shouldn't be involved with a MM (b/c of his wife, kids, the list goes on). That is not lost on me or him, trust me.

 

But, at the same time, I have never really seriously entertained the thought of being in a relationship with him if his marriage ended. In fact, I could point to a lot of reasons why it wouldn't work out (age difference, different stages in life, v. different social circles, etc.). I know that this is often a problem for many people involved in an A -- is the MP ever going to leave his/her M? That's not the case here. At least not yet -- we've been involved w/ each other for about five months. I've never done this and don't know things like this usually progress. But, the thought of him leaving his family for this is both A) unrealistic and B) scary and not desired on my part.

 

So, that said, I find myself having a hard time answering this question: "How do you stop something you don't want to end?"

 

The conversations, sex and -- hell -- even the silence when we're just sitting doing nothing -- are all amazing. Despite how different are lives are, we have undeniable chemistry. I'm seeing other men, but they simply don't do it for me like this MM does. When you're in an A and you're either the MM/MW and the OW/OM -- you're in this little bubble where reality (i.e., sabotaging marriage, kids, potential other relationships) don't exist. Am I right? So, from my perspective, I'm finding it so hard to cut this A off. I know it's wrong and I hate what I know I'm doing to his marriage and family. Yet, when I'm with him, it all stays at bay.

 

I know with this post I risk sounding like woman who has a cavalier attitude toward marriages and/or wives. To that end, I really don't think I do -- it's not that simple -- and I would appreciate any insight anyone could offer.

 

 

I hear you completely. I was in an EA that was very very similar. What tipped me over the edge though was seeing photos of his family...with HIM in them. Ina world that I'd never seen, that I would never see. I mean -- that was an impossible bridge for me to get over. I understand that once you're with him all that stuff seems to disappear...but it doesn't in reality...and all those times that you're with him, he could be spending time with his family, and when he goes home to his W and children, he's the same happy family man -- lying to them in a sense.

 

It's a tough one. Hang in there. Just take care that you don't get hurt...

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

I hear you completely. I was in an EA that was very very similar. What tipped me over the edge though was seeing photos of his family...with HIM in them. Ina world that I'd never seen, that I would never see. I mean -- that was an impossible bridge for me to get over. I understand that once you're with him all that stuff seems to disappear...but it doesn't in reality...and all those times that you're with him, he could be spending time with his family, and when he goes home to his W and children, he's the same happy family man -- lying to them in a sense.

 

That's exactly what is happening with me. The more I find on Facebook, et. al, the more it becomes reality to me. The worst are those pictures that have been taken recently -- with MM looking apparently quite happy and content with his wife. It's so hard because there are SO many unknowns on his end for me, while for him, there isn't. Yes, the pictures temporarily go away while we're together. But, they are coming into my mind more lately when we're together. But, clearly, they didn't tip me over like they seemed to have with you.

 

After starting this thread and getting feedback, my trust in MM is waning. And, as it should be. There is no reason why I should trust him. OBVIOUSLY considering the situation we're in. For some reason, I don't feel quite as bad if I thought MM was truly unhappy in his marriage. But, if he's happy -- which he seems to be -- I feel more guilty and see him in a more negative light. He's having his cake and eating it too.

 

2sure -- yes, I feel morally guilty, which is the primary reason I think I should end it. Notice I didn't say "want" to end it. I WANT to end it because of Taylor's points -- very good ones, btw, Taylor. I can feel myself losing integrity, now that you mention it.

 

When I met MM, I had just gotten injured and couldn't run (a big thing in my life) and also got really busy at work. So, all those things together really put me in a spot where I wasn't comfortable with my life. And, I am still kind of there but the injury and work is better...but the A w/ MM is still here. So, I think my self-esteem and integrity were being strained when I met him. I'm not making excuses at all -- just placing into context how I could let myself become involved in this from the get-go. Clearly I should have cut this off the moment I found out he was married.

 

Taylor -- what you said about me feeling differently about this relationship when its over compared to "normal" ones is a very good one. I can see obviously how that could happen but at the same time I don't think it's something that will really come full circle for me until I am there. Until, in a way, it's too late.

 

I came on here initially because I can't seem to convince myself to ignore him. I almost want to "sabotage" this A so I can persuade him to not want to be involved with me, since I apparently cannot persuade myself. Does that make sense or does it sound as twisted as I think it does when I articulate it? I want to tell him outright that I want him to leave his wife (even though I don't) so maybe that would scare him and push him away. I want to run into him and his family so the guilt really goes over the top for me. (and presumably him) and we both want to end it. I can't seem to get out of the bubble that is this A.

 

Taylor, you also drove it home with this: "He is already filling your head with notions of what it would be like to be with him if he left his wife (he is planting this notion in your head to keep you interested, but it isn't sincere)." -- I had never thought about that until you said it. It's easy to say these things in a bubble. It's outside of it where things get messy.