How do you stop something you don't want to end?

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Oh, and an update -- church was fine! Thank God. I just completely avoided him -- I barely even saw his face!!! Oh, and I know this is mean, but he got laid off from work (he has a union job as a contractor so getting laid off is part of the profession) and I couldn't help but think HAHA. I know, that's mean considering he has a family and a house and bills, but... yes, I'm being petty right now, but I don't care!

 

Glad to hear things went well, CarbonCopy. I think you should keep doing that whenever you see him and focus on yourself (I know you already know to do that, but I figured I would give my $0.02 anyways! ). And, hey, the way I see it -- you can feel however you want to feel about things. It's not like you are broadcasting it to his family that you're happy he got laid off (or, maybe "happy" is not the right word, but you know what I mean) or you're taking an active role in making sure he doesn't have a job. You're just enjoying something you have no control over. As long as you don't him or anyone who knows him know you're being petty.... by all means!

[CarbonCopy]

Glad to hear things went well, CarbonCopy. I think you should keep doing that whenever you see him and focus on yourself (I know you already know to do that, but I figured I would give my $0.02 anyways! ). And, hey, the way I see it -- you can feel however you want to feel about things. It's not like you are broadcasting it to his family that you're happy he got laid off (or, maybe "happy" is not the right word, but you know what I mean) or you're taking an active role in making sure he doesn't have a job. You're just enjoying something you have no control over. As long as you don't him or anyone who knows him know you're being petty.... by all means!

 

Yes, I'm just going to keep ignoring him. It wasn't really difficult since there were plenty of people around to talk to and entertain myself with. It still felt awkward because I could FEEL his presence there, but whatever. I'm sure that will go away in time.

 

See, slowly but surely it's getting better! I still think about him a lot and I do still miss him, but I feel a lot better.

 

How are you doing today?

 

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

How are you doing today?

 

Well, we haven't seen each other for going on three and a half weeks (the longest since we starting "seeing" each other, and not by our choosing -- we've had conflicting week and half long vacations). So, I've had a good chunk of time to reflect and recently came across all of his family vacation pictures on Facebook. That hurt. A lot. And, so I sent him an e-mail last night telling him we need to talk about ending this. And that'd I'd been reflecting upon that for the weeks we haven't seen each other (we've been in contact sporadically, but less so since we were both with family/friends...) He responded saying that he wished he met me before he was married (how genuine that is, who knows) but that he is realizing that he's potentially hurting a lot of people. So, I don't know. I think we're getting together Wednesday to talk about things. I've tried -- unsuccessfully -- to end things twice before. Those times I tried to end it via e-mail only, which may seem a bit impersonal/immature, but considering the situation, I don't rule much out. That didn't work, clearly, so now I'm trying to talk it out with him -- which sounds counterintuitive to what most people say to do -- simple NC. We'll shall see...

[ednadean]

Well, we haven't seen each other for going on three and a half weeks (the longest since we starting "seeing" each other, and not by our choosing -- we've had conflicting week and half long vacations). So, I've had a good chunk of time to reflect and recently came across all of his family vacation pictures on Facebook. That hurt. A lot. And, so I sent him an e-mail last night telling him we need to talk about ending this. And that'd I'd been reflecting upon that for the weeks we haven't seen each other (we've been in contact sporadically, but less so since we were both with family/friends...) He responded saying that he wished he met me before he was married (how genuine that is, who knows) but that he is realizing that he's potentially hurting a lot of people. So, I don't know. I think we're getting together Wednesday to talk about things. I've tried -- unsuccessfully -- to end things twice before. Those times I tried to end it via e-mail only, which may seem a bit impersonal/immature, but considering the situation, I don't rule much out. That didn't work, clearly, so now I'm trying to talk it out with him -- which sounds counterintuitive to what most people say to do -- simple NC. We'll shall see...

 

hugs love! it was the family vacation pictures that put me off as well. It was seeing him with his kids...looking sooo happy and relaxed that made me think that I was potentially messing up something much larger.

 

stay strong and do what you feel is right. We'll be here for you!

[ednadean]

Awe, ednadean. I'm so sorry!!! Is it hard to work with him? Do you see him everyday? I don't think I could work with my MM. It's bad enough that I have to see him once a week now, but to see him 5 times a week? No way.

 

I'm so sorry, but it is for the best. I think about my MM all the time, too. I honestly don't know how to get him out of my head.

 

It's best that contact gradually stops. I think the little contact that you have now might subconsciously still give you hope and is making it harder to let him go. Are you the one contacting him or is he contacting you?

 

I don't understand why or how we all found ourselves in situations like this. You, me, and Contemplating are all young, single, successful women with our whole lives ahead of us. What were we thinking getting involved with this older married men?!

 

Oh, and an update -- church was fine! Thank God. I just completely avoided him -- I barely even saw his face!!! Oh, and I know this is mean, but he got laid off from work (he has a union job as a contractor so getting laid off is part of the profession) and I couldn't help but think HAHA. I know, that's mean considering he has a family and a house and bills, but... yes, I'm being petty right now, but I don't care!

 

to all!

 

no -- luckily don't see him everyday.

the contact is both ways. sometimes ill contact him -- sometimes the other way around.

to be honest -- I'm not strong enough to end the contact completely...it's SO hard because he's such a good person and I really love him. And it's hard to justify NC when you've never gone PA...it seems a bit dramatic...not sure if that makes sense...

 

hard. glad church went well!!!

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

hugs love! it was the family vacation pictures that put me off as well. It was seeing him with his kids...looking sooo happy and relaxed that made me think that I was potentially messing up something much larger.

 

stay strong and do what you feel is right. We'll be here for you!

 

Thanks, Ednadean, that means so much, really. While I did tell two of my girlfriends that I'm involved with a MM, I hardly ever talk to them about it and so they don't even know that I'm attempting to end it by sending that e-mail. So, this is literally my only outlet.

 

I can't help but look at the pictures over and over again. Most of the pictures are just his two kids, which really makes me realize how important they are to him and the marriage he and his wife built. There are barely any pictures with him and his wife, but even that tiny glimpse into his "real" life makes me want to throw up, literally (sorry if that's TMI, ha.) Plus, his wife is gorgeous and I know she's really smart given her profession/position, which makes me all the more confused. I realize looks and intelligence don't make or break a marriage -- especially after nine years, but still, for me as the OW, that's all I've got to go off of.

 

My MM and I getting together tomorrow night to talk about everything so we shall see how that goes.

 

I hope your day has gone well! I know every day is like a roller coaster when you're in an A or recovering from the aftermath of an A. I know tomorrow will certainly be a roller coaster...

 

How long did your A last, again? And, how on earth did you just keep it emotional?

[ednadean]

Thanks, Ednadean, that means so much, really. While I did tell two of my girlfriends that I'm involved with a MM, I hardly ever talk to them about it and so they don't even know that I'm attempting to end it by sending that e-mail. So, this is literally my only outlet.

 

I can't help but look at the pictures over and over again. Most of the pictures are just his two kids, which really makes me realize how important they are to him and the marriage he and his wife built. There are barely any pictures with him and his wife, but even that tiny glimpse into his "real" life makes me want to throw up, literally (sorry if that's TMI, ha.) Plus, his wife is gorgeous and I know she's really smart given her profession/position, which makes me all the more confused. I realize looks and intelligence don't make or break a marriage -- especially after nine years, but still, for me as the OW, that's all I've got to go off of.

 

My MM and I getting together tomorrow night to talk about everything so we shall see how that goes.

 

I hope your day has gone well! I know every day is like a roller coaster when you're in an A or recovering from the aftermath of an A. I know tomorrow will certainly be a roller coaster...

 

How long did your A last, again? And, how on earth did you just keep it emotional?

 

anytime. i know how it feels. this board is my only outlet. only one friend knows...and she's overseas.

his vaca photos are the same -- lots of him with his children - -none taken together with his W. But still -- it makes you realise HOW GUILTY you'd feel if it ever happened that one of your actions broke up something like that. Even if you never asked for it.

 

WEll -- I think if he didn't have children it would have become a PA...but mainly -- it's because we don't get any time alone together and none of us would ever organise time alone while sober -- once it came really close -- and all I could think about was his children -- and how he'd have to return to his family the next day and have to lie and pretend that everything was o.k...taking away my last shred of integrity and his honesty...and I couldn't do it.

 

The OTHER thing that helped me was that I got on this board pretty early on in the EA --- and saw SO many disasters and realised that my situation and my MM wasn't that special/unique. I saw some definite behavior patterns.

 

Let us know how it goes. STay strong...and remember that if you're starting to feel guilty -- it's usually a sign that it's time to stop...I think.

 

HUGS

[ladydesigner]

(((((ContemplatingTheEnd))))) Good Luck. I know it is really really hard just take care of yourself.

[CarbonCopy]

Is it weird that I never felt guilt? I KNOW I should have since I go to church, I know his family, etc, but... it just never came up. I don't even know if he felt guilt either. He told me during the breakup that he didn't regret any of it. So I don't know. Maybe I'm really messed up or something.

 

Contemplating, GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll be thinking of you!!!

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Well, I certainly didn't accomplish a thing I wanted to in my conversations with MM last night. BUT, I find myself not as attracted to him as before. All the time spent on here rehashing it out and all the times I've gone through his Facebook pictures keep creeping into my head when we're together. He seems so, SO content in the situation. So carefree. More so than ever. That bothered me, especially after I specifically said I wanted to end things in that e-mail. Clearly this is going to be a decision I have to make. Of course, why would he want to end it? He literally has the perfect situation set up. And, in a way, I do too, except it appears I have a bit more of conscience than he does...

 

I'm noticing more and more how much he talks about his problems and I just keep mum about mine. He even said he noticed how I never talked about my mother but I do my dad. (Which I don't think is true; I talk about neither of them equally.) CarbonCopy -- I know you had mentioned that's how it with you and your xMM, right? While it doesn't really bother me that I don't talk to him about my problems, it bothers me that he just doesn't care enough to ask me about mine (apart from that brief mention last night). While every man is like this to some extent, in a dynamic of an A when the MM is older, the stereotypical thing for the younger OW to do is just sit there and look pretty and be fun for the stressed MM to have a good time with. I don't like that I'm falling right into that stereotype.

 

The more I think about my situation the more I see how painfully, painfully perfect it is as an A -- so many reasons to make it a taboo, enticing experience every time we're together. Our jobs/professions are at odds with each other but in the same general industry, I'm much younger than him, we're diff. races (he hasn't dated much outside his race), his friends have nicknames for me (nice ones, but nicknames nonetheless), we go places that we *may* run into *someone* he knows but nothing too close to home, of course. This is has turned into game for him, really. That all leads me to think that his feelings are not genuine. Mine could be -- but I have closed myself off so much I'm afraid I won't be able to open myself up to an available man. SG is currently on vacation .

 

Anyways, I have rambled, clearly, but it helps get my thoughts out. Thanks for reading...or not if you didn't make it this far. Ha!

[CarbonCopy]

Hey Contemplating!

 

I'm sorry things didn't go as planned, but you did make some progress -- I think not feeling as attracted to him is a big step! It will makes things easier when you're ready to call things off.

 

I'm noticing more and more how much he talks about his problems and I just keep mum about mine. He even said he noticed how I never talked about my mother but I do my dad. (Which I don't think is true; I talk about neither of them equally.) CarbonCopy -- I know you had mentioned that's how it with you and your xMM, right? While it doesn't really bother me that I don't talk to him about my problems, it bothers me that he just doesn't care enough to ask me about mine (apart from that brief mention last night). While every man is like this to some extent, in a dynamic of an A when the MM is older, the stereotypical thing for the younger OW to do is just sit there and look pretty and be fun for the stressed MM to have a good time with. I don't like that I'm falling right into that stereotype.

 

Yep. He never really asked me much about myself. He would say "WHAT'S UP" but that's it. The only two times he specifically asked me about something was when another guy was involved. :rolleyes: Again, I'm not one that has a very interesting or dramatic life so it never bothered me much, but still. I'm not a blabber like his wife, so I wasn't going to talk his ear off if that's what he was afraid of! But yeah. I was the cute little thing that was so intrigued by him and I loved when he told me stories and I loved to listen to them. Obviously he liked that.

 

Hope you're doing ok!

 

[ednadean]

Well, I certainly didn't accomplish a thing I wanted to in my conversations with MM last night. BUT, I find myself not as attracted to him as before. All the time spent on here rehashing it out and all the times I've gone through his Facebook pictures keep creeping into my head when we're together. He seems so, SO content in the situation. So carefree. More so than ever. That bothered me, especially after I specifically said I wanted to end things in that e-mail. Clearly this is going to be a decision I have to make. Of course, why would he want to end it? He literally has the perfect situation set up. And, in a way, I do too, except it appears I have a bit more of conscience than he does...

 

I'm noticing more and more how much he talks about his problems and I just keep mum about mine. He even said he noticed how I never talked about my mother but I do my dad. (Which I don't think is true; I talk about neither of them equally.) CarbonCopy -- I know you had mentioned that's how it with you and your xMM, right? While it doesn't really bother me that I don't talk to him about my problems, it bothers me that he just doesn't care enough to ask me about mine (apart from that brief mention last night). While every man is like this to some extent, in a dynamic of an A when the MM is older, the stereotypical thing for the younger OW to do is just sit there and look pretty and be fun for the stressed MM to have a good time with. I don't like that I'm falling right into that stereotype.

 

The more I think about my situation the more I see how painfully, painfully perfect it is as an A -- so many reasons to make it a taboo, enticing experience every time we're together. Our jobs/professions are at odds with each other but in the same general industry, I'm much younger than him, we're diff. races (he hasn't dated much outside his race), his friends have nicknames for me (nice ones, but nicknames nonetheless), we go places that we *may* run into *someone* he knows but nothing too close to home, of course. This is has turned into game for him, really. That all leads me to think that his feelings are not genuine. Mine could be -- but I have closed myself off so much I'm afraid I won't be able to open myself up to an available man. SG is currently on vacation .

 

Anyways, I have rambled, clearly, but it helps get my thoughts out. Thanks for reading...or not if you didn't make it this far. Ha!

 

it's funny how we're on similar trajectories! I had a chat with my MM as well and today for the first time in AGES I didn't feel the need to contact him and didn't mind that he didn't contact me. SOOO weird. It was so good to see him last week -- but it's kind of like the obsessing sort of stopped a little.

Which is one of the reasons I'm not 100% NC fan. I think sometimes it can make things even harder.

 

How are we all this week?

[ladydesigner]

How are we all this week?

 

I am doing horribly this week. My xOM broke no contact then I responded. Now I am back at square one. I felt better with LC. Now I have not heard from xOM and I feel like crap all over again...the rejected feeling, the pain, god it hurts so bad. I know I will get flamed from some, but this pain just does not go away. I am seriously thinking I need to end my marriage and hide, just be by myself. I hate my husband for hurting me to the point of falling out of love with him, I hate myself for falling in love with someone who has ripped my heart out. I wish I never had the affair. I wish I would have separated from my husband a long time ago.

 

I am really hurting today. It's gut wrenching.

[CarbonCopy]

How are we all this week?

 

I'm ok now, but yesterday I wasn't. Seeing him at mass yesterday was worse than the week before! I saw them cuddling, I saw her playing with his hands and fingers and it killed me. I was so angry and hurt, and yet at the same time I also wanted to be cuddling with him. And for the first time, the hypocrisy and the immorality of the whole situation really bothered me. How can we both claim to be Christians and go to church and be baptized and partake in communion? I honestly contemplated telling my minister everything, but I decided against it. But ugh.

 

I need to not see him until I'm completely over him. I can't deal with this. Even though it's only once a week, it's still once a week too much. I feel so much for the OW who have to work with their exMM -- holy crap, I would go insane.

[ednadean]

I am doing horribly this week. My xOM broke no contact then I responded. Now I am back at square one. I felt better with LC. Now I have not heard from xOM and I feel like crap all over again...the rejected feeling, the pain, god it hurts so bad. I know I will get flamed from some, but this pain just does not go away. I am seriously thinking I need to end my marriage and hide, just be by myself. I hate my husband for hurting me to the point of falling out of love with him, I hate myself for falling in love with someone who has ripped my heart out. I wish I never had the affair. I wish I would have separated from my husband a long time ago.

 

I am really hurting today. It's gut wrenching.

 

oh love! hugs.

that sounds terrible. give it time and try to forget you AP -- he sounds like he's not the sort of person who you deserve, who'll make a committment to you.

Don't give up on your marriage though -- give it time and see if you can rebuild. Otherwise -- you could go through a trial separation -- but seriously it sounds like you need to me around some people who love you and will support you.

 

hugs!!!

[ednadean]

I'm ok now, but yesterday I wasn't. Seeing him at mass yesterday was worse than the week before! I saw them cuddling, I saw her playing with his hands and fingers and it killed me. I was so angry and hurt, and yet at the same time I also wanted to be cuddling with him. And for the first time, the hypocrisy and the immorality of the whole situation really bothered me. How can we both claim to be Christians and go to church and be baptized and partake in communion? I honestly contemplated telling my minister everything, but I decided against it. But ugh.

 

I need to not see him until I'm completely over him. I can't deal with this. Even though it's only once a week, it's still once a week too much. I feel so much for the OW who have to work with their exMM -- holy crap, I would go insane.

 

 

OMG!!! he sounds so thoughtless...and to be honest - a bit of a liar. To be so affectionate in church with her while she knows nothing -- and knownig that you can see as well.

I really feel for you -- but I'm kind of happy you've gotten yourself out of the situation as well. He sounds no good...as an impartial outsider.

[mourningMM]

How do you stop something you don't want to be over?

 

1) You realize that what you have isn't exactly what you think it is. You have begun by taking the blinders off, and seeing his behavior for what it is...selfish, controlling, manipulative (of both you and the BS), and unhealthy FOR YOU.

 

2) You focus on understanding why you have chosen the half-life of an affair. Physical release, attention, but what else is this man giving you? To do this, you may need more than LoveShack and one friend who is overseas. I honestly think that talking to your minister might be good, if it can remain confidential. Or better yet, find a good counselor. Being in the affair is a CHOICE you made; you need to uncover what feeds into that choice and work on fixing those emotional wounds. This affair sounds like a bandaid for something you aren't willing to address directly; a distraction.

 

3) You set up a support system so that when you cut the ties, you are not alone. This means friends, family, counselor, and even a trainer/membership at the gym to help you use up that extra energy that won't go into sex with the MM.

 

4) You learn to meditate, or journal, or continue to use LoveShack to keep you honest. Sometimes the best way to stay good is to have a buddy...other parts of a relationship really can't be shared with people you know. Things that would be damaging to you or to the MM or even to the BS. But if you keep all of that inside, it will rot you. You need to find a way to get it out.

 

5) You need to cut the cord. The tie to your MM has to be cut quickly with a sharp knife, and then NC. If you leave a door open, right at the end, you may never heal. Now I'm not saying that you couldn't be friends in the future, once nostalgia had set in....but right after the split, no, it would leave you open to an emotional affair and further half-life with no physical intimicy.

 

Honestly...these MM that you are talking about don't offer emotional intimicy to either of you. It doesn't sound like they give you much on any level but physical, and maybe some intellectual stimulation.

 

You, we all, deserve so much more.

[mourningMM]

My affair with the MM ended in person. I told him that the next time we met would be the last time. I gave him a chance to say/do everything that he needed to in order to feel like I was being respectful of his feelings and his needs.

 

And then I told him that he was not being respectful of my feelings and needs. I explained that he was also not showing me that he was the kind of man I could trust with my heart and soul because he was all about himself. I told him about the negative impacts that the affair had on my life...and pointed out that if discovered it would have even greater negative impacts on him, his wife, and his children.

 

I told him to man-up and go home; to be honest; to be the good man I knew he could.

 

REALITY CHECK I left the door open the first time I did this...and we went through about a year of thrashing. We'd end, we'd start up, we'd end again...and the only time it worked was when I did this the final time and LEFT NO DOORS OPEN. By then he'd absorbed the reality of the truth. He finally left, we had NC.

 

Then he died and I didn't know, and I found LoveShack. I was sad, and confused...but incredibly proud at the same time that when he died, he was doing the right thing. He was with his family, being a whole man. He wasn't splitting his energy.

[skywriter]

mourningMM,

 

This is off subject, and forgive me for that, but I just wanted to tell you

I love the list you made and it'll be very helpful.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

I'm not doing very good today either. Seems to be a trend. I saw MM last night and we had probably the best night we've ever had since we met. Which is why today is not so good. We went for a run at night that led to amazing conversation and, of course, amazing sex. But, this time it was different. There was more talking and kissing. And less pure sex. It scares me and complicates things and I don't know how I am all over the board on this. He did reach out and ask me more about things -- I'm in the middle of this big project launch at work and he seemed genuinely interested in it.

 

Actually, I do know why I'm all over the board. The less I see him the less I want to see him and the more I realize I'm doing something incredibly stupid. But, the more I see him the more we connect and the more I want him. Which is why I have a hard time having the strength to tell him no when he always contacts me. Also, work plays a huge factor. The busier I am the less I have time to reflect on this. And, less time I have to hear from people like you all who provide me with the crucial lens through which I really do need to be seeing this affair.

 

But, as you as say MourningMM, I need to go complete NC because that is the only way I can ensure I cut this affair off for good. I am just not there yet (clearly) but I want to be. I want my SG man to come back from vacation, damn it.

[ednadean]

mourningMM,

 

This is off subject, and forgive me for that, but I just wanted to tell you

I love the list you made and it'll be very helpful.

 

yes! it was really insightful.

you know, there's a pearls of wisdom thread that that list would be PERFECT for.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t199775/

[ednadean]

I'm not doing very good today either. Seems to be a trend. I saw MM last night and we had probably the best night we've ever had since we met. Which is why today is not so good. We went for a run at night that led to amazing conversation and, of course, amazing sex. But, this time it was different. There was more talking and kissing. And less pure sex. It scares me and complicates things and I don't know how I am all over the board on this. He did reach out and ask me more about things -- I'm in the middle of this big project launch at work and he seemed genuinely interested in it.

 

Actually, I do know why I'm all over the board. The less I see him the less I want to see him and the more I realize I'm doing something incredibly stupid. But, the more I see him the more we connect and the more I want him. Which is why I have a hard time having the strength to tell him no when he always contacts me. Also, work plays a huge factor. The busier I am the less I have time to reflect on this. And, less time I have to hear from people like you all who provide me with the crucial lens through which I really do need to be seeing this affair.

 

But, as you as say MourningMM, I need to go complete NC because that is the only way I can ensure I cut this affair off for good. I am just not there yet (clearly) but I want to be. I want my SG man to come back from vacation, damn it.

 

*sigh*...it's a common problem. Although...it is interesting that the less you see him the less you want to see him. I don't think you're in love with him yet. The thing is -- if he did want to split up with his wife ['best case scenario' -- in inverted commas of course] would you go there and try a long term relationship? Because it sounds like he might be the type to really fall head over heels for you and maybe do something like that.

 

Part of me thinks that if you're not getting that emotionally involved -- and he's not that emotionally involved -- then maybe you can let it fizzle out naturally? The problems start primarily when one partner falls in love and the other doesn't.

 

You won't be able to go NC or LC if you don't really really want it. And you'll only really want it when he hurts you, either intentionally on not. To end something you have to want to.

 

Hang in there and keep us informed

[ednadean]

I don't know what's happening with me. After months of sadness and insane obsessing -- I met my MM last week and had a really really nice chat. Not even about the EA as much -- just as two friends to be honest.

I felt SOOO incredibly elated after the chat. Seriously, like walking on clouds. It wasn't a feeling of love or anything, it was just a feeling of incredible happiness -- I can't explain it. REALLY WEIRD.

 

Then -- that weekend, I partied quite a bit, went to a few different events, met new people etc etc. And didn't really think about him much at all. This week he hasn't contacted me at all and you know what? It's not bothering me. I don't feel the need to contact him back. It's like we're normal friend again who can contact each other whenever and not be offended or upset.

 

I don't understand how that day could have made so much of a difference, but it has. Like overnight. Not sure how long it will last -- but just wanted to let you know that getting over it can happen! -- and I think a lot of it is about expanding one's social circle a little bit, meeting new people and feeling attractive again.

 

HUGS to all!!!

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Although...it is interesting that the less you see him the less you want to see him. I don't think you're in love with him yet.

 

Part of me thinks that if you're not getting that emotionally involved -- and he's not that emotionally involved -- then maybe you can let it fizzle out naturally? The problems start primarily when one partner falls in love and the other doesn't.

 

I am definitely actively closing myself off to him. So, the less I see him the less I want to see him...because when I don't see him it's easier for me to close myself off to him more and more. Does that make sense? And, yes, I don't think I'm in love with him yet either. Although, Monday night came close to him saying something like that. We thought about each other all day yesterday...at least I did and he signaled to me that he did (I'm always taking everything he says with a grain of salt...). The more I think about Monday the more I realize how pivotal it was...for better or, more likely, worse.

 

The thing is -- if he did want to split up with his wife ['best case scenario' -- in inverted commas of course] would you go there and try a long term relationship? Because it sounds like he might be the type to really fall head over heels for you and maybe do something like that.

 

I am 99.999 percent sure he would never leave his wife. I also know he has strong feelings for me but there is just too much not wrong with his marriage to leave (I know this sounds like so many other As...that he isn't leaving b/c of factors other than being really in love with his wife.) But, to answer your question...yes, I would try a longterm relationship. As we've talked about before, though, we're 14 years apart in age and so we're different stages in our lives. Would that make a difference if the A blinders were off? Who knows. I'm guessing it would factor into the relationship, but I don't know if it would mean it wouldn't work out. Age gaps like that aren't all that uncommon...

 

You won't be able to go NC or LC if you don't really really want it. And you'll only really want it when he hurts you, either intentionally on not. To end something you have to want to.

 

You are so right. And, that's what scares me. I won't want out until it's too late to not come out of this A incredibly hurt and scarred. Like someone on here once said, it's one thing to get really hurt by a relationship ending it, it's another knowing you're hurt, you helped a man cheat on his wife and potentially break up his family and that you were only getting a slice of him the whole time.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

I don't know what's happening with me. After months of sadness and insane obsessing -- I met my MM last week and had a really really nice chat. Not even about the EA as much -- just as two friends to be honest.

I felt SOOO incredibly elated after the chat. Seriously, like walking on clouds. It wasn't a feeling of love or anything, it was just a feeling of incredible happiness -- I can't explain it. REALLY WEIRD.

 

Then -- that weekend, I partied quite a bit, went to a few different events, met new people etc etc. And didn't really think about him much at all. This week he hasn't contacted me at all and you know what? It's not bothering me. I don't feel the need to contact him back. It's like we're normal friend again who can contact each other whenever and not be offended or upset.

 

I don't understand how that day could have made so much of a difference, but it has. Like overnight. Not sure how long it will last -- but just wanted to let you know that getting over it can happen! -- and I think a lot of it is about expanding one's social circle a little bit, meeting new people and feeling attractive again.

 

I'm so happy to hear that for you! It should give others, like myself, faith that no matter how blind we are to the rest of the world (i.e., other available men), that you can and will move on. Keeping busy and being social is absolutely critical. Stay strong and if you ever start falling into the same mindset before...just remember how you feel now .