How do you stop something you don't want to end?

[CarbonCopy]

I don't know what's happening with me. After months of sadness and insane obsessing -- I met my MM last week and had a really really nice chat. Not even about the EA as much -- just as two friends to be honest.

I felt SOOO incredibly elated after the chat. Seriously, like walking on clouds. It wasn't a feeling of love or anything, it was just a feeling of incredible happiness -- I can't explain it. REALLY WEIRD.

 

Then -- that weekend, I partied quite a bit, went to a few different events, met new people etc etc. And didn't really think about him much at all. This week he hasn't contacted me at all and you know what? It's not bothering me. I don't feel the need to contact him back. It's like we're normal friend again who can contact each other whenever and not be offended or upset.

 

I don't understand how that day could have made so much of a difference, but it has. Like overnight. Not sure how long it will last -- but just wanted to let you know that getting over it can happen! -- and I think a lot of it is about expanding one's social circle a little bit, meeting new people and feeling attractive again.

 

HUGS to all!!!

 

I'm so happy for you, honey!!!!!!

 

I do think keeping busy and active REALLY helps with getting over someone.

 

You're on the right track!!! Keep it up!!!!

[CarbonCopy]

I'm not doing very good today either. Seems to be a trend. I saw MM last night and we had probably the best night we've ever had since we met. Which is why today is not so good. We went for a run at night that led to amazing conversation and, of course, amazing sex. But, this time it was different. There was more talking and kissing. And less pure sex. It scares me and complicates things and I don't know how I am all over the board on this. He did reach out and ask me more about things -- I'm in the middle of this big project launch at work and he seemed genuinely interested in it.

 

Actually, I do know why I'm all over the board. The less I see him the less I want to see him and the more I realize I'm doing something incredibly stupid. But, the more I see him the more we connect and the more I want him. Which is why I have a hard time having the strength to tell him no when he always contacts me. Also, work plays a huge factor. The busier I am the less I have time to reflect on this. And, less time I have to hear from people like you all who provide me with the crucial lens through which I really do need to be seeing this affair.

 

But, as you as say MourningMM, I need to go complete NC because that is the only way I can ensure I cut this affair off for good. I am just not there yet (clearly) but I want to be. I want my SG man to come back from vacation, damn it.

 

Oh, Contemplating.

 

I'm sorry you're struggling. It's so hard, I know, but stay strong -- we're all here for you when you need us.

 

[ednadean]

hope we're all doing well this weekend!

Met up with my MM again and once again felt nothing. So girls -- it CAN happen. You can move on and still see them and act naturally. Just wanted to put that out there -- especially since my obsession was getting so out of hand and making me miserable. It's like it took me a few months to finally "get it".

 

Hang in there

[CarbonCopy]

Saw them today. Saw them cuddling with him putting his head on her shoulder and saw her pathetic attempts at being affectionate. Ok, sorry, that's mean since she's done nothing wrong and he IS her husband, but I can't help feeling petty.

 

I'm sooo sick of this. Honestly even seeing him once a week at this point sets me back. They were late and I figured YAY, they weren't coming today, but nope, they came and immediately my heart started racing when I saw him. WTF!!!!!!! I hate it. We don't even speak to each other but just SEEING him bothers me.

 

UGH, when will these feelings be gone?! I just want to be over him and the situation already!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Why watch them? Turn away. BE ACTIVE and do all that you can to get over it.. Stop being jealous, hurt, judgemental of their 'recovery!' Put more of the blame on you and not them. Take ownership and responsibility of your own choices, grow from it, learn from it..

 

Let me ask..Do you "think" about him? Fantasize about him, re-think the good times? If so, STOP DOING THAT as it's only doing more harm to you.

 

Start living, having fun. Be with friends, family, those who care about you.. Again, stop focussing and wondering on MM and his wife. They've moved on, so should you.

[mourningMM]

Honestly even seeing him once a week at this point sets me back. They were late and I figured YAY, they weren't coming today, but nope, they came and immediately my heart started racing when I saw him.

 

Habits are hard to break. Your body has a habit of reacting to him...it is learned response that you need to unlearn.

 

This is difficult for me to admit; because in my own relationships I've always wanted to feel "out of control"...that way I don't have to take responsibility for my actions. But I've also learned that in order to have hapiness in my life I have to make choices that are healthy and safe.

 

YOU are making a choice to see him once a week with his wife. I'm certain that in part you do not want to change your habit of going to that specific service. It would seem like you are letting him win something. But really, it also might be you punishing yourself for what you have done.

 

Free yourself from the pain, annoyance, and aggravation. Find a different service to attend.

 

Alcoholics don't go into bars; it is too dangerous to their recovery.

 

Make the choice to free yourself from the temptation of wallowing in thoughts of him that I'm certain distract you from the focus on the ceremony.

 

Pray for happiness, but help yourself by praying in peace.

[CarbonCopy]

Why watch them? Turn away. BE ACTIVE and do all that you can to get over it.. Stop being jealous, hurt, judgemental of their 'recovery!' Put more of the blame on you and not them. Take ownership and responsibility of your own choices, grow from it, learn from it..

 

Let me ask..Do you "think" about him? Fantasize about him, re-think the good times? If so, STOP DOING THAT as it's only doing more harm to you.

 

Start living, having fun. Be with friends, family, those who care about you.. Again, stop focussing and wondering on MM and his wife. They've moved on, so should you.

 

I DON'T watch them!!! For the past few weeks they've been sitting a few rows in front of me and it's hard to not see them unless I keep my eyes closed. They're in my direct line of vision. Usually they sit behind me so I DON'T see them, but lately they haven't been. I'm hoping they go back to their usual seats.

 

And no, I don't focus on him and his family. I HAVE my own life, I go out, I have hobbies, I study for exams that I have to take, etc. I don't see where you're getting that I'm not "living" my life. Honestly my week is fine until Sunday comes and I have to see him.

 

I have been going to this church since I was a child and I love and am close to many people that go there. I'm not about to give up my church that I've been attending with my family for FAR longer than he has just because things went sour between us. I will seek alternatives for an occasional visit to another mass, but I chose to get involved with someone that I associate with on a regular basis and I understand that I have to face the consequences for my actions. Aside from seeing him, I love going to my church. It makes me feel good, and no, I'm not distracted from the sermon. In fact, today's sermon was about hypocrisy... something that I know about VERY well.

 

I guess I just have to deal with this until I'm over it.

[ednadean]

Why watch them? Turn away. BE ACTIVE and do all that you can to get over it.. Stop being jealous, hurt, judgemental of their 'recovery!' Put more of the blame on you and not them. Take ownership and responsibility of your own choices, grow from it, learn from it..

 

Let me ask..Do you "think" about him? Fantasize about him, re-think the good times? If so, STOP DOING THAT as it's only doing more harm to you.

 

Start living, having fun. Be with friends, family, those who care about you.. Again, stop focussing and wondering on MM and his wife. They've moved on, so should you.

 

WhichwayisUp, you can't help how you feel. You can't stop fantasising until you're ready to -- and CC seeing her AP isn't helping her -- but she can't be expected to change her life and her church because of this guy.

 

I was COMPLETELY obsessed with my MM for MONTHS and I didn't want to be --- I couldn't help it. I felt sick to my stomach all the time whenever I thought of him and his family. My heart would skip a beat every time I saw him. I wasn't going to quit my job over it though. And I eventually moved on, when my head "got it".

 

This thread is a place to talk about ones feelings -- without getting lambasted for feeling them.

[NoIDidn't]

Saw them today. Saw them cuddling with him putting his head on her shoulder and saw her pathetic attempts at being affectionate. Ok, sorry, that's mean since she's done nothing wrong and he IS her husband, but I can't help feeling petty.

 

I'm sooo sick of this. Honestly even seeing him once a week at this point sets me back. They were late and I figured YAY, they weren't coming today, but nope, they came and immediately my heart started racing when I saw him. WTF!!!!!!! I hate it. We don't even speak to each other but just SEEING him bothers me.

 

UGH, when will these feelings be gone?! I just want to be over him and the situation already!!!!

 

Wow, you guys go to the same church? We lost a few members to our roving MM music staff.

 

And they seemed to blame the W for responding to his "lame attempts" at affection too.

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It will take some time, but its possible. And its possible to keep attending the same church without those feelings one day. It is. I've been in this position before. I don't envy you.

 

Are there any ministries in your church that you participate in? If not, get into some and your feelings of belonging there without any relationship to him will increase. If you are already in some, consider changing to other ministries for the same feeling of not doing something that reminds you of him.

[CarbonCopy]

Wow, you guys go to the same church? We lost a few members to our roving MM music staff.

 

And they seemed to blame the W for responding to his "lame attempts" at affection too.

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It will take some time, but its possible. And its possible to keep attending the same church without those feelings one day. It is. I've been in this position before. I don't envy you.

 

Are there any ministries in your church that you participate in? If not, get into some and your feelings of belonging there without any relationship to him will increase. If you are already in some, consider changing to other ministries for the same feeling of not doing something that reminds you of him.

 

Thanks, NoIDidn't. I decided I'm going to seek out other churches to visit every once in a while, but I can't and won't abandon my church. I love going and I love the people, plus it would really raise suspicions to my family.

 

Unfortunately I think this is something that I'm just going to have to deal with until my feelings fade away. It'll probably take longer than I want, but I know I WILL get over this eventually -- we as all know, time heals everything.

 

And thank you ednadean for sticking up for me. How are you doing this week?

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

I decided I'm going to seek out other churches to visit every once in a while, but I can't and won't abandon my church. I love going and I love the people, plus it would really raise suspicions to my family.

 

Sorry I have been a bit MIA lately...but CC -- I definitely think it's good you're not going to up and leave your church. Primarily, because you love it there and shouldn't have to drastically change your life for a man who is not in it anymore (in any substantial, real way, that is. I understand he is still v. much on your mind.) Not going to church because of him would also, IMO, make you even more angry at him and his wife and your former A. The last thing anyone needs is another reason to become frustrated. Also, if you stopped going, it would also send him a signal -- and any signal is not good at this point.

 

I am sorry to hear you're so frustrated and so hurt. Try to use your frustration in a proactive way. For me, I'm learning SO much about relationships, marriages and what it takes to make a marriage work (or not...apparently.) I hope that when/if I am ever married, that I can build a relationship that things like this don't happen. We're both young, CC, we have to make these experiences help us because the alternative is leaving us scarred for our poor decisions. I don't mean to rope you into my negative comments, but I mean it in the most constructive way .

 

My MM had I had a pretty substantial talk last night. He told me he's going to talk to his mother about all this. And, that he is pretty sure he is going to tell his wife at some point -- that the truth comes out eventually. He's thought about ending it (to not hurt me, according to what he said) but that he knew he could never b/c he would always come back to me. It was the most honest conversation about the A that we've had. But, I am still 100 percent sure he will never leave his wife. Which is still -- and will always be -- fine by me. It scares me to think I could ruin a marriage. So, why I'm still involved with him I simply don't know and hate that I am.

[CarbonCopy]

Sorry I have been a bit MIA lately...but CC -- I definitely think it's good you're not going to up and leave your church. Primarily, because you love it there and shouldn't have to drastically change your life for a man who is not in it anymore (in any substantial, real way, that is. I understand he is still v. much on your mind.) Not going to church because of him would also, IMO, make you even more angry at him and his wife and your former A. The last thing anyone needs is another reason to become frustrated. Also, if you stopped going, it would also send him a signal -- and any signal is not good at this point.

 

I am sorry to hear you're so frustrated and so hurt. Try to use your frustration in a proactive way. For me, I'm learning SO much about relationships, marriages and what it takes to make a marriage work (or not...apparently.) I hope that when/if I am ever married, that I can build a relationship that things like this don't happen. We're both young, CC, we have to make these experiences help us because the alternative is leaving us scarred for our poor decisions. I don't mean to rope you into my negative comments, but I mean it in the most constructive way .

 

My MM had I had a pretty substantial talk last night. He told me he's going to talk to his mother about all this. And, that he is pretty sure he is going to tell his wife at some point -- that the truth comes out eventually. He's thought about ending it (to not hurt me, according to what he said) but that he knew he could never b/c he would always come back to me. It was the most honest conversation about the A that we've had. But, I am still 100 percent sure he will never leave his wife. Which is still -- and will always be -- fine by me. It scares me to think I could ruin a marriage. So, why I'm still involved with him I simply don't know and hate that I am.

 

Hey Contemplating! Thanks for the kind words.

 

I can't imagine why your MM would want to tell his mother or his wife? Is it the guilt? That's an extremely risky move!

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Hey Contemplating! Thanks for the kind words.

 

I can't imagine why your MM would want to tell his mother or his wife? Is it the guilt? That's an extremely risky move!

 

I know! I was a little taken aback when he told me that. He was more concrete about talking to his mother about it. He said she would be able to offer some good insight and that all his friends (who also cheat on their wives, albeit w/ women they don't have as substantial feelings for as he does me, according to him). So, I think he is looking for someone to talk to seriously about this. His dad is sick and is in no condition to offer insight. But, it scared me that he said he would tell his wife. I don't think that will happen any time soon. And, selfishly, I hope it happens after we're over or else it will become a v. messy situation v. quickly.

 

How are you doing this week? Have you thought anymore about going to a diff. church every now and again?

[CarbonCopy]

I know! I was a little taken aback when he told me that. He was more concrete about talking to his mother about it. He said she would be able to offer some good insight and that all his friends (who also cheat on their wives, albeit w/ women they don't have as substantial feelings for as he does me, according to him). So, I think he is looking for someone to talk to seriously about this. His dad is sick and is in no condition to offer insight. But, it scared me that he said he would tell his wife. I don't think that will happen any time soon. And, selfishly, I hope it happens after we're over or else it will become a v. messy situation v. quickly.

 

How are you doing this week? Have you thought anymore about going to a diff. church every now and again?

 

Honestly, I would stay away from talking to his mother. If he feels the need to share this to someone, he should tell a friend that he can trust (my MM told two of this friends) and who won't judge him. And he should definitely NOT tell the wife. What would that accomplish?

 

And I'm good this week, thanks. I won't be going to a different church. I'll just be praying for the strength to deal with this until I no longer care.

[ednadean]

any news ladies?

I'm still successfully "cured" -- well -- around 95% in any case.

Every day becomes easier as I know he's over his infatuation for me. I think I realised that for me, it was mostly about that -- that there was someone in the world who was a little obsessed with me.

 

you know a good song that I've been able to relate to? Cover my Eyes by La Roux. [especially you carboncopy ]

 

hope we're surviving without too much drama!

[mourningMM]

Stay strong and focused on using you energy in a healthy way...you are right, this is really an experience that is full of "life-lessons".

 

It sounds like you are both doing much much better!

 

Congrats

[CarbonCopy]

any news ladies?

I'm still successfully "cured" -- well -- around 95% in any case.

Every day becomes easier as I know he's over his infatuation for me. I think I realised that for me, it was mostly about that -- that there was someone in the world who was a little obsessed with me.

 

you know a good song that I've been able to relate to? Cover my Eyes by La Roux. [especially you carboncopy ]

 

hope we're surviving without too much drama!

 

Haha, I love La Roux!

 

I'm doing ok. Going on another date with this guy tomorrow. So far so good. He's really nice and sweet and he has a lot of the qualities I would want in a partner.

 

But... I don't know. I like him (otherwise I wouldn't be going out with him again and talking to him on the phone) but I'm missing that explosive chemistry. I don't want to compare him to MM, but now that I've had a taste of that rush, I want it again! Ugh, and of course I'm still thinking about MM, although I haven't cried in a couple of weeks.

 

So... yeah, haha.

 

How are you? Are things better now?

 

[scatterd]

It hurts me to read this my husband is seeing someone and wont admit it

My kids and myself are suffering, you would like us.We were a happy and

loving family if you think our hearts have never beat together your wrong'

If he can do this to us he would do it to another.I wish you can see what

its like to be hurt this way.Only if you could peak into my life you might

run away.He is getting served papers he does not know but the other woman can see him hurt and cry now.He might even not like her after this

I hope this helps you think I would run because someday its not going to

be the same as it is.Good Luck

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

It hurts me to read this my husband is seeing someone and wont admit it

My kids and myself are suffering, you would like us.We were a happy and

loving family if you think our hearts have never beat together your wrong'

If he can do this to us he would do it to another.I wish you can see what

its like to be hurt this way.Only if you could peak into my life you might

run away.He is getting served papers he does not know but the other woman can see him hurt and cry now.He might even not like her after this

I hope this helps you think I would run because someday its not going to

be the same as it is.Good Luck

 

Scatterd, thank you for your honest and constructive yet not biting words. I can't imagine how hard it must be to NOT lash out at all OW, when you know you're husband is having an affair.

 

You are right on the money re: "peaking" into your life. The majority of me that's getting morally beat up (by me) for being involved in this affair wants that more than anything -- to see MM in his life. To see him with his marriage that he says is not bad but does not have the passion we have (duh, I haven't been w/ him nine years...) To see him with his children. To see him spend evenings out with his wife at receptions and dinners and school functions. To see him happy with her. I do not know for sure that he is happy in his marriage, but I can only assume that. He never says anything bad about her. Like so many others, the spark is gone (he says they never had one...but I doubt that), the chemistry is not there, but the marriage, for all intents and purposes, is fine -- that's what I'm getting from MM.

 

I don't know your situation -- maybe your marriage was once good and you have since grown apart? Maybe you thought you hadn't grown apart and his affair caught you completely off-guard? I have NO idea what my MM's wife is thinking.

 

We do not live in the same social circles AT ALL, thus I am as withdrawn from his reality as I could be. I have seen pictures of him and his family online, though, and those are what bring me to the brink of ending it with him. I have tried -- three times no less and am considering again -- but every time he pulls me in again and I do not rise to the strength I know I need to have but concede I don't want it right now.

 

There are of course countless reasons -- considering his family, wife, my friends, my future boyfriends, etc., etc., etc., -- why this is an incredibly bad situation for everyone directly involved or indirectly affected. But, if I had to limit it to one reason why I am going stark raving mad thinking about him when I'm not with him, it's because I simply don't know anything. About anything. I don't know a damn thing about his life, what he's thinking or what compelled him into this affair. I hate that.

 

I know I've rambled...but in any case, thank you for reading.

 

And, Scatterd, I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry your husband felt the need to stray. And, I am also sorry since you likely also don't know anything. About anything related to his reasons for cheating. And, I can't imagine how unbearable that must be after X amount of years. I've only known MM for a little over six months.

 

Good luck. And I do apologize in advance if I have presumed anything that's not true...

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Haha, I love La Roux!

 

But... I don't know. I like him (otherwise I wouldn't be going out with him again and talking to him on the phone) but I'm missing that explosive chemistry. I don't want to compare him to MM, but now that I've had a taste of that rush, I want it again! Ugh, and of course I'm still thinking about MM, although I haven't cried in a couple of weeks.

 

Hi CC, I'm sorry to hear your mind is still wandering off to MM, despite having great single guys to date. I'm in the same boat (well, except I'm still involved w/ MM.)

 

I hate how that "explosive chemistry" is not there with other guys. I know people will say that it's because we're hung up on MM, but I have a hard time believing that 100 percent. I think if, say, I got back together with this guy I was dating last year -- someone who I shared amazing chemistry with, both in the bedroom and otherwise -- I could v. easily shrug off MM. After all, when I first met MM and then subsequently realized he was married and found myself continuing to see him, I was like "huh, well maybe this is the twisted way I'm supposed to get over" the guy who I had been dating. (Of course, that completely disregards all the pain I'm causing other people, but hey, a sentence can only include so many thoughts...) And, well, I am pretty much over that other guy. Ha. BUT, I would still start seeing him again...

 

I had this amazing conversation, connection with this guy I met last weekend...but I'm not sure how much physical attraction there is. That's hard to beat w/ MM. But, also there's this other guy who goes to my gym who I have amazing sexual attraction to (okay, he may resemble MM, but I have liked men who look like MM well before I met MM.)

 

But, in any case, I feel like chemistry can be found with people other than MM...so maybe are we just not meeting those people we have chemistry with? Do you think your feelings are being held up with MM?

[CarbonCopy]

Hi CC, I'm sorry to hear your mind is still wandering off to MM, despite having great single guys to date. I'm in the same boat (well, except I'm still involved w/ MM.)

 

I hate how that "explosive chemistry" is not there with other guys. I know people will say that it's because we're hung up on MM, but I have a hard time believing that 100 percent. I think if, say, I got back together with this guy I was dating last year -- someone who I shared amazing chemistry with, both in the bedroom and otherwise -- I could v. easily shrug off MM. After all, when I first met MM and then subsequently realized he was married and found myself continuing to see him, I was like "huh, well maybe this is the twisted way I'm supposed to get over" the guy who I had been dating. (Of course, that completely disregards all the pain I'm causing other people, but hey, a sentence can only include so many thoughts...) And, well, I am pretty much over that other guy. Ha. BUT, I would still start seeing him again...

 

I had this amazing conversation, connection with this guy I met last weekend...but I'm not sure how much physical attraction there is. That's hard to beat w/ MM. But, also there's this other guy who goes to my gym who I have amazing sexual attraction to (okay, he may resemble MM, but I have liked men who look like MM well before I met MM.)

 

But, in any case, I feel like chemistry can be found with people other than MM...so maybe are we just not meeting those people we have chemistry with? Do you think your feelings are being held up with MM?

 

I'll reply to you via PM!

[scatterd]

Thank you for understanding I think the cheater is getting all the rewards mean time all the others are having pain.The best thing you can do is to show him that u r not going to do this with him.If the ow came to me I would be hurt but he is the one who commited to me.but I would want to work together with her to show him how wrong he is to hurt so many people.Its hard not knowing but only feeling he is I cant make my own mind up being blinded like this.So many men are out there hoping to meet the right person to marry and would be faithfull.Why waist your time with someone who later down the road when the new filling is gone will cheat on you.You know he is a cheater go find a good man that is not capable of doing that.You do not want to end up being my age with bad health and no where to go.It makes it hard to have any choses.Life is short why live it in pain if you found him you will find someone else.I beleived he would never do this I never would have married knowing this.It is hard to keep a marriage fresh with so many things to do but I would never do it to him and I have had many chances.Move on live your life thinking of others and you will get respect and love from people dont let him do this.You seem to care and seem nice so go find a for sure thing.Run dont look back :DGood luck

Edited October 10, 2009 by scatterd